Husband finally lets slip what I've known for years.

[pinkpigletjoe]

Married 25 years, kids at uni and pretty grown up. Own a lovely home with H and have a job I enjoy.
H has never been the husband I wanted. Very secretive, nasty temper sometimes, lies and puts self and hobbies above me and family.

Over the years I've been busy with life, and tbf H can be pleasant, works hard and is a good joint provider. Does little or no house work, but looks after cars, bins etc. I know he loves his kids. Sex was good for many years but for the past 5 the behaviour meant I moved into the spare room.

I've always known he has a big porn habit, chats up other women, and can be very charming. He loves the ego boost. Lots and lots of red flags for cheating and once online dating and iphones took off, there were lots of suspicious messages etc.

However I actually never though he'd go through with sleeping with other women or one woman. No idea why I was so dumb. My father used to spend every weekend with another woman and my mother just put up with it.

When he gets anxious he start shouting and turning on me (I just ignore it) but I heard him say ... your father lived with another woman every weekend as well. He instantly knew what he'd said and so did I. I pushed him on it but he just walked away.

Its incredibly stupid to be so upset by this, but he has denied, denied and denied for 20 years, and yet he actually admitted it.

I don't want to split up, I love my home and I don't feel any particular loathing of him, just a bit in shock. I won't pursue it. He wants us to be civil (I will be) I don't want his company, but I'm feeling so weird and confused.

Presumably I'll just get used to this and carry on as before. Is that what people do?

Presumably I'll just get used to this and carry on as before. Is that what people do?

Well, some people do. Your mother did. Did it make her happy?

I suppose if you're both clear on the fact that your marriage is a business arrangement for convenience and you're both OK with that, you could do it. And I assume you get a boy in every port as well, right?

But without love to bind you together, there's always that chance that one of you will meet someone who means more to you than comfort and familiarity...

Two things in response to your reply OP:

1. start looking into the size of of deposit you could have for your own place based in splitting your assets 50:50. You might be surprised. (I was some years ago)

2. readjust the ideas in your head about the type of property you need. Slightly cheaper area. Fewer bedrooms etc. and again you might be surprised. (again opened up new possibilities for me)

It’s highly unlikely you and husband will still be living in your current place together for much longer with this atmosphere. I expect it will get worse too. He will decide to call it a day if you don’t I would guess. I mean you don’t really care who he’s seeing. What’s left for you both?

Good luck! X

Start detaching emotionally and financially. Build up a rainy day find.

you’re going to need it.

he may decide to call time on your marriage and you don’t want to be left with no options.

Sorry - if I sound blunt it's because I want you to find your anger, not to make you feel stupid. It's no surprise you don't know how, because he's long been taking the piss and your formative experience of relationships was with a wife just putting up with it.

But you have every right to be angry. He's a cruel man, a liar, and a terrible, terrible husband. You should try and tap into some of that anger: allow yourself to be angry at the time he's wasted of yours, of the happiness he's stolen by not being a good husband OR good enough to tell you the truth and let you move on. Allow yourself a bit of fire - why should you let him waste a single second more of your life?

In the very, very immediate short term: make an appointment with a divorce solicitor. You don't have to start ANYTHING, just make the appointment for in a week or two, and in the meantime, try being angry. Let your feelings and priorities come first in your head and think about what a colossal DICK he is. Then go and see the solicitor and find out what your options might be/a potential roadmap.

Don't wash his fucking pants, don't cook his tea, and resist the urge to pretend everything's fine: if he can't do you the courtesy of being honest, you don't have to do him the courtesy of being his live-in maid.

As PPs have said: now it's out in the (semi)open, the risk that he decides to bugger off with someone else is higher, I'd have thought. So don't passively wait for that to happen while playing nice - make a plan, now. Even if you're not ready to put it into action, make a plan. Do not let him continue to determine what happens next in YOUR life.

Your mother conditioned you to settle for a sham of a marriage, and now you're doing it to your kids. The cycle will only repeat itself.

The saddest thing of all is that you don't want better for yourself.

I really feel for you @pinkpigletjoe

But think what you said - your mother had this life. You've copied her. Do you want your children to copy you? Please break the cycle. Show your children that when someone treats you badly, you walk away with your head high. You don't stick around and let them keep doing it.

Show them you have self respect and you don't need a feckless, lying man to be happy in life. You will be doing them a huge favour as opposed the to the damage that's currently being done - to them and to you.

You love your garden too much to leave? I'm certain you love your children more, and you can plant another garden. No house or garden is worth more than your self worth and mental wellbeing and that of your children.

Your relationship is over. He lies, he cheats, he doesn't respect you. You aren't friends. You have no sex life (entirely understandable why you wouldn't want that). There is no marriage left. If you divorce him, you can get your own calm, happy home. Somewhere for you and DCs to enjoy life.

Leave him to his sordid lies. He doesn't deserve you.

And at the very least stop looking after him. He does't act like a husband so stop acting like a 'wife'. No cooking, cleaning, washing for him. Small steps but the very least he should expect.

I think its sad that you are willing to settle for so little.

You have the ability to have another relationship even for companionship and fun. You are selling yourself so short by staying in this marriage.

I understand the security of your home and what you have built but you can build it somewhere else. I would also be really concerned that he may meet someone who isn't happy with his status quo and all of a sudden you could be facing a divorce and financial situation you aren't ready for.

I also think its really unhealthy to model this type of situation and relationship to children. Fear of being alone and lack of financial independence shouldn't be a reason to have to tolerate being disregarded and disrespected in a relationship and your own home. And he is doing both.

Have you ever had counselling? If not I would get some.

Its the moral injury of the betrayal. Our emotions are complex and painful. Give yourself time and space. Write down your thoughts if you can.

OP. Branching out on your own doesn't mean having to get into another relationship.

Be single and see how it feels to be free of living with a toxic arsehole. To do whatever you choose whenever and not have to be somebody's maid, because that's clearly all he sees in you.

The 3 years I was by choice single between relationships was wonderful. I only chose another DP because he was truly fabulous. There's no way I'd have given up being single for anything less.

What's going to happen when your children grow up a bit and start questioning what he's doing at the weekend?

I also see where you're coming from OP. Not every solution comes with LTB.

Everyone says - you'll be happier. Not everyone is though. Whether it's having to co-parent, splitting kids 50/50 (or even 10/90), losing a home you spent years investing in, losing a lifestyle - for some the relationship doesn't make them unhappy enough to forgo or undergo a separation.

That's ok. The key thing, the only thing you have to ask yourself is - would I be happier leaving? Is my mental health going to remain intact if I stay?

Only you can answer that, but make sure you ask yourself the question frequently and make a promise to yourself that you'll leave the moment the answer changes.

So sad you're going through this. I hope you find the strength to make any decisions you need to and look into all the options and encourage him to do the same. I'd be gutted if my husband behaved in a manner that will probably Start to frighten you at some point in the future. Please seek some help from a DMV organisation where you can speak to others in similar positions. So please stay strong, reach out (maybe not on here . Lol) to those in a position to help you work through the various options available to you. Ultimately only you can decide and in the meantime, I'm sending you a hug because I think you might be needing one 🫂

Your adult kids will have picked up on what is happening even if they have not been told directly. Do you think it is a good example to them that you are living this life. Surely your adult children will want you to be happy. I have heard before that women don’t want to leave their lovely home etc. You will be surprised what you can achieve on your own. A new home, new start can be quite liberating.

OP, I know you say that you have known for years but having it being confirmed is still a shock. Do not make any hasty decisions and please be kind to yourself.

I do suggest that you start getting your affairs sorted in case he decides now that you know, he can leave, hide finance etc. You can set up a scanner app on your phone and set up a new email that you can send and store documents. Scan everything even if you think it is not important. Otherwise copy them and leave with a trusted friend or family member for safe keeping.

I am sorry if this suggestion is unwelcome but please get an std check. I know you haven't slept with him in a long while but sometimes rarely stds can be symptom free for years.

When you say self and "hobbies" before me and family, does he use his hobbies to spend time away from you and family at the weekends? Because in that case it sounds like he's putting another woman before you and family. It's abhorrent behaviour, you should leave him and take him to the cleaners!!!

just because your mother lived with this type of arrangement doesn't mean you have to do the same

'I also see where you're coming from OP. Not every solution comes with LTB'

No it doesn't and we see all the time on mn people suggesting LTB without looking at context or having perspective but here we have both parties have checked out of the relationship. It's a case of who will make the first move and if I were the op I'd make sure it was me.

@pinkpigletjoe How do you think it makes your children feel when they hear their father verbally abusing their mother?

He cheats, he lies, he’s unkind to you, he uses porn and he’s selfish. Don’t be too scared of change to divorce him because you deserve so much better than this scummy man.

If you don’t push to leave, he might.

usually men move more tactically when they do so, he’ll wait until all the children are adults so there’s no maintenance to pay or housing needs. The kids will consider you to be a weak character.

He’ll be happy and in love. Maybe have a 2nd family. Can you finance the home and garden alone?

@NumberTheory We don't argue that much, but I get entirely what you are saying about detaching further and this is definitely how I'm feeling right now. I think in time that detachment will give me the impetus just to divorce.
@JustDrama I keep hoping he will ask for a divorce so the decision is taken away from me. He knows he would be just be the same with any woman and no one would put up with him.
@Bagsandbabies I was in the process of telling him never, ever, ever take your temper out on me or we are done. I think he got the message, but any more of that shit and its the plug.

I hope if you have daughters, history doesn't repeat itself and they put up with cheating husbands.

This.

So you have two options
Stay and lead separate lives with simmering resentment from both sides. Your children will pick up on this and it’s an unhealthy way to live.
Separate and split the house. I’m imagining you live in a big house and possibly have a lot of equity? I may be wrong. Would you be entitled to some of his pension and other assets?
At least get some legal advice to know what you are entitled to?
It doesn’t sit right with me that you are staying for the house and garden. It sounds like a miserable existence.

Have a think about how you'll feel if in 20 (or less years) time you are cleaning him up in the middle of the night, because you're still living together and he's ill and physically dependent on you. This challenges the strongest and most loving of marriages, which yours isn't.

Another question is, would he be prepared to do that for you?

End what is a charade now and grow a garden elsewhere.

I keep hoping he will ask for a divorce so the decision is taken away from me.

Why are you so willing to be a passenger in your own life? I promise I don't say that to be cruel. I think you really need to think about it. If someone kept hitting your in the face, would you sit there and hope they left you alone? He's been hurting you emotionally for years and you're still sitting there, hoping he'll stop - when YOU can make it stop.