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Relationships

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Original poster

Open Marriage - seems to be working against odds, is there something wrong with us?

184 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 08/02/2023 11:40

I posted a few months ago about my DH asking we went to relate to discuss our non existent sex life, or to consider an open marriage. The lack of sex has been coming from me and I fully acknowledge this.

At my own admission, I felt a bit weird about therapy and after three months of discussions we decided to embark on an open marriage. DH now sleeps in the spare room and meets up with someone for sex a few times a week.

Weirdly, our relationship has improved massively since we started this arrangement. We are better co-parents, we have a lot more fun together and are strangely more loving and affectionate. We want to spend more time together too, and do a lot more as a family and on our own as a couple. I feel a weight has been lifted and he is now sexually satisfied and much happier.

Is it strange that it seems to be working so well for us? I am obviously under no illusions about what the future holds, but for now, we are the strongest we've ever been. I am surprised by how much things have improved between us and am worried this makes us abnormal. We made love for the first time in months the other day and it was apparent that that area of our relationship has fizzled out (lack of arousal from both sides, DH lost his erection, I didn't climax)

We are still very much a couple in every other way, and I know DH has no emotional ties to this other woman and she doesn't for him.

Am I being naive to think that this has been a positive for our marriage?

I almost feel guilty for being happy with the arrangement as the popular view was to not open our marriage. Opinions welcome x

OP posts:

Pootles34 · 08/02/2023 11:45

Well, I guess it must work for some people. It sounds like it's working in particular for your husband. Do you get to see anyone else?

I wonder if you might be in the honeymoon phase - he hasn't gotten attached to this woman (yet), you aren't sick of it... I might be being old and grumpy about this, if you really are truly happy with it then that's great.

Original poster

Pumpkinspicedmum · 08/02/2023 11:53

@pootles yes, its a two sided arrangement. I am able to also see other people but I can't be bothered with such a low sex drive.

I dont know why I seem to care so much about what society thinks, but seems ingrained in me to care. Stupid I know x

OP posts:

LadyDanburysHat · 08/02/2023 11:57

I think my concerns would be his other relationship becoming more than sex. And also if he is in a separate bedroom to you, does that mean you are no basically flatmates? Is there no physical affection between you at all? I can get lack of sex drive, but would still need some affection.

LeilaGetTheHose · 08/02/2023 12:00

Pootles34 · 08/02/2023 11:45

Well, I guess it must work for some people. It sounds like it's working in particular for your husband. Do you get to see anyone else?

Why would you say it's working particularly for her husband? You're trying to stir the pot with that comment and it's uncalled for! It's clearly a joint agreement with them where they BOTH get to see other people.

ZekeZeke · 08/02/2023 12:06

How is this working foe the OW?
I would be concerned that feelings will develop and the outcome would be...

PreparationPreparationPrep · 08/02/2023 12:08

Glad it's working OP -
how old are your children? I just wondered if they were old enough to ask questions and how you deal or will deal his? I know this has happen with my dcs friend's parents - more for financial reasons - but the children are older I wonder how they deal with it.

closingscore · 08/02/2023 12:09

It's clearly a joint agreement with them where they BOTH get to see other people.

Except she isn't. So basically it's just her husband having an affair that she knows about.

TheSnowyOwl · 08/02/2023 12:14

It’s not really an open marriage though. It’s a married couple having separate sleeping and sexual arrangements whilst living in the same household and getting on amicably. You’re effectively housemates raising a child/children together whilst one of you is celibate and the other has a girlfriend.

An open marriage would be continuing to sleep together and have sex with each other, so in all intents and purposes a traditional normal marriage, whilst you both have the opportunity to have sex with others.

TedMullins · 08/02/2023 12:15

Why do you care whether it’s “normal” or what other people think? It’s working for you, that’s the main thing. Open relationships aren’t inherently wrong.

TheSnowyOwl · 08/02/2023 12:16

Unless you financially can’t or won’t separate, then I would do so. You can still do everything you currently do to be a happy family but have the right boundaries around you to allow your husband to fall in love with the person he has sex with and you to have your future alone or with someone else you meet that you are interested in.

Enko · 08/02/2023 12:22

We are almost conditioned to feel. Monogamy is then only way op. I agree with @TedMullins open relationships are not inherently wrong.

Just very misunderstood in my view. If it works for you enjoy it. Just keep talking with each other.

Macaroni46 · 08/02/2023 12:26

closingscore · 08/02/2023 12:09

It's clearly a joint agreement with them where they BOTH get to see other people.

Except she isn't. So basically it's just her husband having an affair that she knows about.

But she doesn't want sex and has agreed to the arrangement so she can maintain her marriage. If it's working for both of them, what's the problem.
Agree with other posters though who say that long term it might not work due to feelings developing between the OW and DH.

MsMarch · 08/02/2023 12:38

If it's working for you, that's great. But I would be very concerned that he's going to develop an actual relationship with the OW. Right now, it's fine - he goes off for sex and it's fine. But what happens when she wants him to attend an event or she's upset about something or his sex-meet up is on a day you are supposed to be going to your parents for dinner? That's the thing that would worry me personally. But if he genuinely just has a F+++ buddy situation and it doesn't eat into your time as ac coupe or a family, then sure, whatever works.

ZaphodDent · 08/02/2023 12:43

You say he meets up with someone for sex a few times a week. Isn't that quite a lot for the situation you're in? Feels quite...intense, perhaps?

For some reason I had imagined this kind of arrangement being a few times a month.

What's the nature of their relationship? Is it strictly sex only or are they more FWBs? Do they have meals together? Watch movies?

I'm being curious, not judgemental.

TheUndoing · 08/02/2023 12:50

Like others have said, it’s great that this is working well now but I’d be concerned about him or his current sexual partner wanting a relationship.

Thelnebriati · 08/02/2023 12:52

How long have you been using this arrangement? Is it possible you are still in the phase where it feels like a relief because it solved an immediate problem?

Hartlebury · 08/02/2023 13:51

I would be very wary of open marriage when it is used as a way to 'maintain' my marriage, or to keep one of us happy. It's a dangerous sticking plaster at best in those circumstances.

If it's used to enhance an already happy marriage between two people who genuinely believe in ethical non-monogamy then that's a different matter.

From the sounds of it you fall into the first camp.

ArcticSkewer · 08/02/2023 13:55

A few times a week (a lot!) is possibly/probably going to cause problems at some point - why are they meeting so regularly? Was this actually a hidden affair partner? I ask as it's difficult for men to find a woman who would agree to this particular scenario up front.

Anyway I wouldn't worry, of it works for now it works for now

Bookist · 08/02/2023 13:55

I just don't really see the point. You're calling it an open marriage but the second one of you has sex with someone else then it simply stops being a marriage in my book.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 08/02/2023 13:58

Betcha dh's attitude changes if you sleep with another man op.

Aquarelles · 08/02/2023 13:59

I'm going to go against the grain here and say congratulations, OP. You're the only one who knows what is going on in your own marriage and I'm glad this arrangement seems to be working for you. It can't be easy to deviate away for societal expectations and norms.

Do please keep an eye on the situation, as I'm sure you will. You don't sound like you've got your rose-tinted glasses on, so it's good to just continue to be cautious at this stage.

I hope this works out for you and your husband and you continue to be stronger as a result.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 08/02/2023 14:03

Try not to worry too much about society opinions @Pumpkinspicedmum

People are different. DH and I are swingers. Have been since before we met. Due to our home circumstances lots of our fun times are had separately (one at home and one out). It works for us. That’s all that matters.

if your situation works for you and your marriage that’s all that matters.

All I will say is - keep communication really open. Feelings change. Sometimes temporarily. Sometimes what you want changes. The main two things is communication and respect. As long as you both have them then live in a way that works for you both.

GroggyLegs · 08/02/2023 14:05

I dunno.

If YOU are genuinely happy (not just having a good day today) and it's working then who are we to start pulling it apart & dragging out the dictionary 'its not an open marriage' etc etc. It's your relationship & you set the rules.

But if you were my friend, I would have concerns for you & the realistic longevity of the arrangement.

If he's paying for sex, personally find it repulsive, but if it was one willing partner I'd be worried about their connection becoming more than just sex.

If you're happy to roll with it, then you do you. But in your shoes I'd be absolutely clear minded about keeping one eye on my future security and the real possibility of breakdown further along the line. All savings 50/50, name on everything, career supported, no debt.

Frankola · 08/02/2023 15:50

The thing that I find very strange with your post Op is that you would rather just allow your husband to sleep with other women than go to therapy to help the relationship you have together.

Obviously this is working very well for your husband at the moment. He's getting his cake and eating it too. I'd be interested to see how he reacts when you decide to take a lover. Will he be as laid back as you are about his?

inigomontoyahwillcox · 08/02/2023 16:13

I struggle to believe that a long-term sexual relationship (which is what sounds like is happening with this woman he is regularly sleeping with) won't also turn into an emotional relationship at some point ... even if the parties involved insist that it currently isn't. Just as long as you're prepared.

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