Open Marriage - seems to be working against odds, is there something wrong with us?

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

I posted a few months ago about my DH asking we went to relate to discuss our non existent sex life, or to consider an open marriage. The lack of sex has been coming from me and I fully acknowledge this.

At my own admission, I felt a bit weird about therapy and after three months of discussions we decided to embark on an open marriage. DH now sleeps in the spare room and meets up with someone for sex a few times a week.

Weirdly, our relationship has improved massively since we started this arrangement. We are better co-parents, we have a lot more fun together and are strangely more loving and affectionate. We want to spend more time together too, and do a lot more as a family and on our own as a couple. I feel a weight has been lifted and he is now sexually satisfied and much happier.

Is it strange that it seems to be working so well for us? I am obviously under no illusions about what the future holds, but for now, we are the strongest we've ever been. I am surprised by how much things have improved between us and am worried this makes us abnormal. We made love for the first time in months the other day and it was apparent that that area of our relationship has fizzled out (lack of arousal from both sides, DH lost his erection, I didn't climax)

We are still very much a couple in every other way, and I know DH has no emotional ties to this other woman and she doesn't for him.

Am I being naive to think that this has been a positive for our marriage?

I almost feel guilty for being happy with the arrangement as the popular view was to not open our marriage. Opinions welcome x

meeting up a few times a week - more than once, less than 4

meeting up several times a week - more than once, 2 or 3

Same difference. Anything that frequent is very frequent... probably too frequent.... in the sense that it won't end well if op wants her husband to not catch feelings.

yup.

Totally an existing affair partner.

But it's working for everyone right now so probably not too important in that sense whether he had her lined up ready to reveal or not

The problem will come when your husband does develop feelings for a partner, which I expect he will

then what ?

And I can’t see why you’d post something quite so judgemental, @windyarse but each to their own…

If it’s working for you, OP, and your DH, then that’s great. I can see why you’d worry about what other people think — I’d be the same — but it’s your marriage and your happiness and we’re all different so good luck to you. I hope it continues to work for you both.

The thing is with the op - I'm not sure if deep down it is working for you? Or else why would you be posting? If you had no concerns then you wouldn't feel the need to jump on MN and ask for advice. You say it's weird and strange to you that things have improved. Maybe the strange and weird feelings of this is making you uncomfortable.

Also the fact that he's having sex several times a week but not able to perform sexually with the 2 of you speaks volumes to me too.

He's having his cake and eating it but I'm wondering if deep down or even subconsciously you're finding this really quite tough.

I read your previous thread. You had been planning to have a night away together and start couple's counselling. You were going to give that a try and see if you could improve your sex life before resorting to an "open marriage" (I wouldn't call it that if only one spouse is actually seeing other people, but there you go). So what happened? How did your plan to give it a year turn into him regularly seeing someone else for sex within months? Did the night away and therapy go so badly that you changed the plan?

It sounds to me as if your physical/sexual connection is dead, so whether other people are involved or not, either way the marriage is over surely? As plenty of people have said you're friends, housemates and co-parents, but not sexual partners... which is not most people's definition of marriage. I think a sexless marriage could work if both people are ok with it, but I think your arrangement is a recipe for disaster tbh.

It's fine until it's not. Not for me to judge. I have always thought polygamy/sister wives sounded bloody sensible tbh, but in your situation, I would worry that his fuckbuddy becomes something more six months from now.

Open marriages work for many people. If it does, that's fine for you and is nobody else's business.

There are lots of men and women in DB marriages (dead bedroom), who are looking for another person to have sex with.. but not leave their marriages.

There are websites and forums to meet such people on, so I have no doubt it's entirely possible that the OPs husband found a woman who fits the bill. There are more men than women looking for this kind of arrangement, but a good looking man, with a decent personality will not have too much trouble.

With the OP having young kids... could be even more attractive to some women who don't plan on leaving their marriage, as he's unlikely to want to leave the marriage... for financial reasons and splitting homes and all that comes with it.

Completely agree with every word that Sandy has written.

PSM, I recall your other thread.

Although your H is complimentary, you’ve always felt that he settled for you, as his former girlfriends were ‘stunningly beautiful.’ You compare yourself as ‘normal’ and ‘ordinary.’ At some point, a jerk friend of H’s rated his girlfriends at a party and placed you near the bottom. H became angry with him, but the humiliation has stuck with you and become a part of your self-image, certainly affecting your libido and confidence. I’m wondering if you ever discussed this belief with H and, if so, how he reassured you.

Have you ever had IC to help you navigate this block? Was it discussed in your couples counseling?

All of the open marriages/partnerships I have known of have been disasters. I fear that this new arrangement of yours will also end in a train wreck.

What rules have you two established? Twice a week sounds excessive if strong boundaries are to be upheld. Will H and his sex partner be messaging/videoing in between sessions?

(1) It sounds like your H is a warm, emotionally open person. There is huge possibility that such frequent physical intimacy/reliance with this woman will lead to a blurring of boundaries and emotional intimacy/reliance. He obviously already likes her. They will be chatting, laughing, and getting to know one another. He must be thinking of her while interacting with you and the children. These fantasies likely sabotaged his performance when you recently tried to have sex.

(2) This arrangement was not made from a position of strength on your part. You believe that H settled and you never measured up, and that negative
self-talk has played a part in your decreased libido and this decision to outsource H’s sexual satisfaction. Can you handle having another woman and their connection in your marriage? Will this ultimately crush your self-esteem?

(3) As of late November, the plan was to have couples counseling and perhaps sex therapy, and to work on rebuilding your physical connection for a year before reassessing, with an open marriage being the last resort. 2 1/2 months later, H has already found his sex partner and their relationship is well on its way. I can’t help but wonder if he had her lined up when he started the conversation.

I wish you well, PSM.

Marriages are so much more than just sexual intimacy, though. So much of marriage is about other things that are enjoyed and shared between people. Is it really for you to say that a marriage is over because it doesn’t feature regular exclusive sex? Why do we need to go by other people’s definitions of what a marriage is?

OP, if it works for you then the best of luck. Just keep the lines of communication open with your partner.

Its nothing to do with anyone else. Its your life. As long as the ow doesn't want more than sex then I can't see it being a problem.

Jeez, a hotel room 2-3 times a week sounds expensive! How does that work in your family budget?
Do you know for sure that he's seeing her in hotels?
Do you get the equivalent amount to spend on meeting your FWB if you were to want one, or indeed do you currently get the equivalent amount to spend on yourself every week?
I think your uneasiness about this is telling you something OP.

@queencookiemonster is the one talking the most sense here. Ignore people with no experience of this.

I would also recommend reading Polysecure as well as The Ethical Slut.

I am a bit concerned about the back story to this and I think therapy still sounds like a good idea otherwise you'll be storing up trouble for later as there may well.be resentments on both sides that you are sort of hiding now.

I also think, as other posters, that it's likely his current partner was on the scene before you opened up the marriage. While it is possible to regularise affairs in this way, you do have to have the honesty to admit you're having an affair, and I'm not sure your husband has gone down that route.

Best of luck, and do try finding a fun person to explore with yourself before you totally write off your own sex drive... you never know...

@EthicalNonMahogany Lots of great advice for OP there (and haven't come across your book recommendation before so I'll check it out). Also, your username brings me great joy 😊

That was my thought, very expensive. I’d see no issue if you’d have said he meets her every couple of weeks for sex. But 2-3times a week. That would concern me

Virtually every day there's a post in here about an unhappy participant in a marriage... for whatever reason (seemingly, typically after kids or nearing menopause in MN), one completely loses interest in sex.

The attitude generally seems to be "I don't want them like that, but I don't want them to get it elsewhere either"... It's 'generous' of you to acknowledge your partner's desires and accommodate them. Few others do in this respect.

Probably true!

And yes, websites exist to meet this niche of married dating/affairs.

What is much harder is to find, online, a woman who wants an open marriage of her own plus meet ups twice a week or more with a man also in an open marriage. That's really quite a specialist niche. The other partner usually wouldn't like the closeness that implies.

Anyway, it's all just seasons. If you feel it's going well right now then enjoy the moment.

For those asking, we did have the night away. It was fine, we discussed counselling in depth and we were going to try it but I got cold feet. Hence why we revisited the open marriage discussion.

Was she waiting in the wings? I don't know, but to be fair DH had been virtually celibate for 5 years so I'm sure he's felt attracted to other women at some point.

With regards to our sex life, I'm not surprised he found it hard to stay aroused. Ive rejected him for 5 years and when we do do it I prefer to just let him get on with it, so it probably wasnt the sexiest experience tbh x

It all sounds good for the moment (apart from the cost of hotels - ouch!)
Enjoy.
Meanwhile I would make sure you are sorted for the end of the marriage when it happens. Are you okay financially? Good job? Full time? Able to remortgage? That kind of thing. Just work on you and making sure you are okay.

@DMLady

And I can’t see why you’d post something quite so judgemental, @windyarse but each to their own…

Let's not pretend meeting a woman for a quick shag in a hotel a few times a week is anything but grim. Of course I'm gonna be judgemental, fwiw judgement is the human response we use to keep us safe as we navigate life, it's not a stick to beat someone with.

Some people would find that preferable to a FWB situation where there is dinner, drinks and lots of chat.

Everyone is different. That you think something is grim doesn’t necessarily mean that a) everyone shares your judgement or that b) the OPs set up is doomed to fail.

see this is where different people see things differently.

Quick sex a couple of times a week, with no suggestion from the Op of constant contact between times, doesn’t imply a closeness to me.

It sounds more like a clear fuckbuddy set up. Rather than anything closer or even friend based.

I'd say he filled a very specific niche suspiciously quickly, which makes me thing this is an ongoing affair partner brought into the open. Implications for the future there.

But it doesn't really matter. Everyone is happy enough currently and that's fine.