Open Marriage - seems to be working against odds, is there something wrong with us?

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

I posted a few months ago about my DH asking we went to relate to discuss our non existent sex life, or to consider an open marriage. The lack of sex has been coming from me and I fully acknowledge this.

At my own admission, I felt a bit weird about therapy and after three months of discussions we decided to embark on an open marriage. DH now sleeps in the spare room and meets up with someone for sex a few times a week.

Weirdly, our relationship has improved massively since we started this arrangement. We are better co-parents, we have a lot more fun together and are strangely more loving and affectionate. We want to spend more time together too, and do a lot more as a family and on our own as a couple. I feel a weight has been lifted and he is now sexually satisfied and much happier.

Is it strange that it seems to be working so well for us? I am obviously under no illusions about what the future holds, but for now, we are the strongest we've ever been. I am surprised by how much things have improved between us and am worried this makes us abnormal. We made love for the first time in months the other day and it was apparent that that area of our relationship has fizzled out (lack of arousal from both sides, DH lost his erection, I didn't climax)

We are still very much a couple in every other way, and I know DH has no emotional ties to this other woman and she doesn't for him.

Am I being naive to think that this has been a positive for our marriage?

I almost feel guilty for being happy with the arrangement as the popular view was to not open our marriage. Opinions welcome x

Good job your book only applies to you isn't it :)

Thanks for your replies. At the moment I have no concerns about OW and my DH falling in love. She is in a LTR herself which they have opened up for various reasons that are none of my business. She has made it clear she'll never leave her husband and DH is adamant he doesnt want our marriage to end either.

DCs are too little to be asking questions so for the time being I'm not worried. We sleep separately but there is still affection between us, we hug, kiss, go on date nights and have a lot of fun together, DH was always keen on us keeping our sex life going but I did neglect us completely in that area for a long time so now that part of our marriage is dead. He does still compliment me and and make me feel good, he's not emotionally checked out.

We've agreed that our arrangement is to stay between us and if at any time it isnt working for either of us, then we'll revisit it all. I am at peace with my decision, I just care too much what people think sometimes (can be a people pleaser in general) and this sometimes gives me anxiety and makes me question my choices.

I don't view it as cheating because DH tried to work on things with me first, counselling was his initial preference but this felt uncomfortable for me, not him. Thank you for all your understanding posts so far

As far as I know they only have sex, they meet in a hotel half an hour from our house and he is never gone long enough for much else to happen. They don't go on dates, he doesnt stay over. If we were having regular sex, I would probably agree that twice a week is too much but in our current situation, it doesnt feel excessive to me at present x

@Pumpkinspicedmum I remember your last thread. Don't you think he's come to this "arrangement" suspiciously quickly?

Honestly, its what works for you and if this is working - I am very happy for you long may it continue.

Enjoy, sounds great

Just be aware that emotional ties might arise - if not with the current woman, maybe the next - and if emotional ties arises just for the OW and she is unstable, she could create some damage. But hopefully all will go according to plan.

And how about you? Will you try to revive your libido with someone else or are you quite happy with no sexual lifd?

Long may it last OP.

I have to say though, speaking from very personal experience (although I was more your DH in my case), I really don't think it will.

Open relationships that stem from a problem/incompatibility in the primary relationship rarely succeed. They're often just a way of delaying the inevitable split.

What you're feeling now is, in my opinion, something similar to the hysterical bonding some people experience after a breakup/affair. You both think you've found a "solution" to your relationship problems that means you get to keep your marriage whilst allowing your DP to have his sexual needs met. You're probably convincing yourself that it is going to work because the alternative is divorce/breaking up your family which you perceive to be worse than being in a sexless relationship where your DH shags other people.

In reality it's unlikely that some sort of emotional connection won't develop between your DH and the OW. And if not her then it will with the next OW.

It's equally unlikely that you won't, on some level, begin to resent the time he is spending outside of the family unit having single person fun with another woman. How can you be stronger than ever when he's likely spending a significant amount of time every day thinking about OW/texting OW/taking dick pics to send to OW.
You'll be watching a film together and see him read a text and smile and you'll know it's OW. That's the stuff that you'll likely start to notice and begin to resent. He'll be generally less engaged in family life as he'll be in the thralls of a shiny new exciting sexual relationship.

I genuinely do wish you well but if you come back and post in in a year's time and things are still rosy in the garden, I'll eat my hat.

Just seen your last. In what, under 3 months he's managed to identify a willing no strings partner who is conveniently in another "open" marriage and is happy to meet up for sex (and nothing else) a couple of times a week. It doesn't sound terribly plausible to me.

I do kind of agree with this l having seen how easy (or not) most poly/ENM men find it to meet women!! It's possible but does seem a bit implausible

Why can't you sleep in the same bed, even without sex?

That's vile. I can't understand why you would be at all interested in maintaining a relationship with someone quite so disgusting.

Agree with this.
You are sharing a home and co-parenting. At some point one of you will fall in love and this will all end. Why not separate now ? Surely less painful all round.

I would be concerned about risks of the OW becoming pregnant. Also, a few times a week seems excessive. Are you sure it’s just 1 other woman?

@Pumpkinspicedmum
Good for you.
You can probably breathe easy in your relationship now you know there will be no sex. You are free to be affectionate and there will be no repercussions for you. The hotel dates sound good and your husband sounds nice. One size does not fit all. Keep the channels of communications open like you've agreed.
If you hadn't chosen this path you would have probably ended up divorced anyway. Or your husband would have fallen in love with someone as you would have not been affectionate nor wanting sex and the relationship would have become dishonest. Nothing ventured nothing gained - it's your little secret. Like some women don't tell anyone they have anal sex with their husbands : you're not telling anyone he has sex with someone else. It's fine. You owe no one anything - no explanations needed xx

Christ the snarky responses on here.

We don't all want monogamy and a boring life.

OP seems to be happy, which is the point.

They're spending too much time together; feelings are on the way. They'll start to consider each other as meeting more needs than the primary relationship soon.

You make a very good point @Comedycook

Hey. You're all consenting adults (I hope?)

If it works for you. Screw what anyone else thinks.

I hope it works out for you op, I don't know any couples irl who do this so can't say whether I think it will or won't work out down the line. I do find it concerning that you sleep in separate rooms though, is there a reason for that ?

OP I think you're getting a rough time on here. Non monogamy isn't something most people will have practical experience or knowledge of, so it's kind of inevitable you'll get some push back on a general relationships forum. I know Reddit has its faults but there are a couple of polyamory and ethical non monogamy subreddits that are pretty informed. You may still get some criticism of your current set up but it'll be coming from people who've had real life experiences and shared with mostly good intentions. Happy to signpost you if you want to DM me. I'd also recommend you both read The Ethical Slut.

Realistically, it's not great that your open marriage has started from a low point in your marriage. It is more difficult to practice healthy open relationships from this vantage. But it does sound like you've got good communication and have been putting in some of the work, so it might not be irretrievable. It's positive that you've both felt happier since opening up, and that the happiness includes better time together rather than living separate lives. A lot of posters have talked about intimacy. I'm not a believer that intimacy has to be physical. Aside from sex, there will be loads of things you share intimately with DH that you don't share with anyone else.

I would echo that there's a possibility of one of you developing feelings if either of you have regular partners outside the marriage, regardless of whether there's sex involved. If you continue communicating about your relationship and your boundaries, it's possible to work through it. Many people do have very healthy open relationships where feelings aren't off the table with secondary partners.

I have two partners currently, everyone knows about each other. I met one partner's partner early on and we get on. I'm not involved with them on a partner basis but the three of us sometimes chill out together and it's honestly lovely. I'm new ish to polyamory but 18 months in, I'm in the healthiest relationship I've had. Admittedly my previous relationships haven't always been great, but my current relationships are objectively healthy by any monogamous standards. We communicate often and with honesty, and we respect and love each other.

Happy to chat privately if you'd like. Either way, I really hope it works out for you and your family.

Give OP a break, all to their own and certainly not for all the naysayers to add 2 and 2 and make 92!

Many can't read either - OP writes 'meeting for sex a few times a week' - yet this is interpretated as several?

It almost feels like bullying on this post. If I recall, OP was told on previous post, (in maybe not so many words), that she has a duty to meet his needs and should go to counselling (default answer of many) which more often doesn't work and she decided not to do, despite husband's first choice. Many a man would have had an affair, which is more likely to end with an emotional attachment. This is no different IMO to a FWB situation, where often one gets more attached. Both husband and OW have the ideal arrangement which seems to suit their respective OH.

Good for you OP. Take no notice of what others say. If you are both happy then who cares? Issues may crop up in the future but they could in any relationship but I truly believe you are both blessed with friendship and mutual respect first in your marriage, which bodes well for addressing any challenges. All the best.😊

We are still very much a couple in every other way, and I know DH has no emotional ties to this other woman and she doesn't for him

Give it time.

OP writes 'meeting for sex a few times a week' - yet this is interpretated as several?

^ the point is he could just meet up once a fortnight...he's going to get invested.

Many can't read either - OP writes 'meeting for sex a few times a week' - yet this is interpretated as several?

What?

Surely 'several' and 'a few' are the same?

I don't see the point of being together to be honest. But if you're happy then fair enough.