Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Open Marriage - seems to be working against odds, is there something wrong with us?

184 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 08/02/2023 11:40

I posted a few months ago about my DH asking we went to relate to discuss our non existent sex life, or to consider an open marriage. The lack of sex has been coming from me and I fully acknowledge this.

At my own admission, I felt a bit weird about therapy and after three months of discussions we decided to embark on an open marriage. DH now sleeps in the spare room and meets up with someone for sex a few times a week.

Weirdly, our relationship has improved massively since we started this arrangement. We are better co-parents, we have a lot more fun together and are strangely more loving and affectionate. We want to spend more time together too, and do a lot more as a family and on our own as a couple. I feel a weight has been lifted and he is now sexually satisfied and much happier.

Is it strange that it seems to be working so well for us? I am obviously under no illusions about what the future holds, but for now, we are the strongest we've ever been. I am surprised by how much things have improved between us and am worried this makes us abnormal. We made love for the first time in months the other day and it was apparent that that area of our relationship has fizzled out (lack of arousal from both sides, DH lost his erection, I didn't climax)

We are still very much a couple in every other way, and I know DH has no emotional ties to this other woman and she doesn't for him.

Am I being naive to think that this has been a positive for our marriage?

I almost feel guilty for being happy with the arrangement as the popular view was to not open our marriage. Opinions welcome x

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 08/09/2023 06:57

What if he falls in love with her?

Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 07:06

Pumpkinspicedmum · 08/02/2023 11:40

I posted a few months ago about my DH asking we went to relate to discuss our non existent sex life, or to consider an open marriage. The lack of sex has been coming from me and I fully acknowledge this.

At my own admission, I felt a bit weird about therapy and after three months of discussions we decided to embark on an open marriage. DH now sleeps in the spare room and meets up with someone for sex a few times a week.

Weirdly, our relationship has improved massively since we started this arrangement. We are better co-parents, we have a lot more fun together and are strangely more loving and affectionate. We want to spend more time together too, and do a lot more as a family and on our own as a couple. I feel a weight has been lifted and he is now sexually satisfied and much happier.

Is it strange that it seems to be working so well for us? I am obviously under no illusions about what the future holds, but for now, we are the strongest we've ever been. I am surprised by how much things have improved between us and am worried this makes us abnormal. We made love for the first time in months the other day and it was apparent that that area of our relationship has fizzled out (lack of arousal from both sides, DH lost his erection, I didn't climax)

We are still very much a couple in every other way, and I know DH has no emotional ties to this other woman and she doesn't for him.

Am I being naive to think that this has been a positive for our marriage?

I almost feel guilty for being happy with the arrangement as the popular view was to not open our marriage. Opinions welcome x

It works, at the minute. Feelings arent involved because its relatively new and exciting. Theres just been another post in relationships about open relationship and it rarely ends well. Feelings get involved and your marriage will be over. Sometimes open relationships work, but rarely in the long run.

Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 07:08

TheSnowyOwl · 08/02/2023 12:14

It’s not really an open marriage though. It’s a married couple having separate sleeping and sexual arrangements whilst living in the same household and getting on amicably. You’re effectively housemates raising a child/children together whilst one of you is celibate and the other has a girlfriend.

An open marriage would be continuing to sleep together and have sex with each other, so in all intents and purposes a traditional normal marriage, whilst you both have the opportunity to have sex with others.

^this

emmylousings · 08/09/2023 07:21

I think you should be proud of yourselves for being able to step outside of conventional norms, this arrangement could last long term or enable you to transition to another type of relationship.

Eleganz · 08/09/2023 08:57

It works because your DH has clearly moved on sexually and probably romantically from you and you seem to be fine with that and are now just friendly co-parents.

They key issue as others have said is if his sexual/romantic partner wants more commitment from him. I suspect that it would be rather easy for him to leave.

Likewise what happens if you meet someone and fall in love with them? I suspect your current arrangements will quickly become limiting to you pursuing that relationship.

From what I've read and heard even "successful" open marriages that start like yours (where it is seen as a solution to relationship problems rather than a mutual sexual lifestyle choice) have a life time that is measured in months to a few years and no more. One or other person in the arrangement realises that they can be more fulfilled outside it and so leaves.

In short, I think you are just transitioning from being married to being apart but in a way that has allowed you to pursue other relationships before you actually divorce.

Greenwitchhorse · 08/09/2023 09:14

I think sooner or later one of you will get emotionally attached to another person and your relationship will end.

That's pretty much what I have seen happen in the people I knew who had open marriages.

BraveGoldie · 08/09/2023 16:25

This puu it at is from February.... but it would be interesting to get an update, OP

How are things going for you now?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/09/2023 16:35

and meets up with someone for sex a few times a week

so no judgement and you do you

but who is this lucky lady who gets to be naked and share fluids so many times a week ?

ideally she’s married ! But if she catches feelings … or if he does

I have a casual FWB but ever week to 10 days works better for me really

NotAgainBrian · 08/09/2023 16:42

This thread is from February but yeah I'd love to know how @Pumpkinspicedmum is getting on.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page