Open Marriage - seems to be working against odds, is there something wrong with us?

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

I posted a few months ago about my DH asking we went to relate to discuss our non existent sex life, or to consider an open marriage. The lack of sex has been coming from me and I fully acknowledge this.

At my own admission, I felt a bit weird about therapy and after three months of discussions we decided to embark on an open marriage. DH now sleeps in the spare room and meets up with someone for sex a few times a week.

Weirdly, our relationship has improved massively since we started this arrangement. We are better co-parents, we have a lot more fun together and are strangely more loving and affectionate. We want to spend more time together too, and do a lot more as a family and on our own as a couple. I feel a weight has been lifted and he is now sexually satisfied and much happier.

Is it strange that it seems to be working so well for us? I am obviously under no illusions about what the future holds, but for now, we are the strongest we've ever been. I am surprised by how much things have improved between us and am worried this makes us abnormal. We made love for the first time in months the other day and it was apparent that that area of our relationship has fizzled out (lack of arousal from both sides, DH lost his erection, I didn't climax)

We are still very much a couple in every other way, and I know DH has no emotional ties to this other woman and she doesn't for him.

Am I being naive to think that this has been a positive for our marriage?

I almost feel guilty for being happy with the arrangement as the popular view was to not open our marriage. Opinions welcome x

That'll soon add up money wise if they're meeting twice a week in a hotel! What sort of hotel?

Maybe I'm focussing on the wrong thing there

If you're happy, then you're happy. It doesn't matter what random people on the internet feel about your marriage and how you choose to run it

Why did you get cold feet about therapy?
I don't understand why you're more comfortable asking a bunch of unqualified strangers opinions about your relationship than talking to someone trained to help couples improve their relationships.
But what do I know 🤷🏻‍♀️
If you are genuinely happy in the knowledge that neither of you want to have sex with each other, but he is enjoying sex with another woman, then crack on.
Would you be interested in sex with another man or not at all?

What is much harder is to find, online, a woman who wants an open marriage of her own plus meet ups twice a week or more with a man also in an open marriage. That's really quite a specialist niche. The other partner usually wouldn't like the closeness that implies.

You'd be surprised.

Lots of DADT (Dont Ask Don't Tell) marriages and married women are happy with that arrangement.

It's always the case that women have more choice in the picking... with the imbalance of numbers.

I'd say it's easier to find someone in these circumstances... than those just looking for a straight up AP.

There are also places to find a NSA match in your locality.

@AnotherEmma

I don't understand why you're more comfortable asking a bunch of unqualified strangers opinions about your relationship than talking to someone trained to help couples improve their relationships.

I think it's fear of hearing directly IRL what is brought up in therapy. Therapy has a way of digging deep and often times clients don't want digging into the underlying issue..
There's also some shame/embarrassment that people feel in this type of situation.

She has anonymity here... so it doesn't feel as scary. If she doesn't like what people say... she can stop reading or get the thread deleted, as people often do.

You can't just leave the therapy room like that.

OP whether he had someone all along or not, it doesn't matter at this point. What does matter is that you are ok, that it's not affecting the DCs negatively and that you are fully aware he may want to go live with her eventually. You have to make sure you won't lose out financially if this does happen. You don't sound compatible as a married couple. I hope you will be ok if he leaves (as others have mentioned). Sorry to sound cynical but I think you have to be to protect yourself.

My concerns would be good sex life costs something like 150-300 a WEEK. Or do they hire it by the hour? Do you equal spends for yourself?

If he slipping out for a perfunctory fuck once the kids are in bed or is he leaving you to sort the kids, tidy up etc? If so do you get equal free time?

Sounds like your disinclined to find someone on secureashag.com so is it OK for you to meet someone to get to know them better etc before sex, to go out for drinks or spend time together?

If you're off to shag Roger three times a week and he's with Sheila three times a week, when do you spend all this happy couple time together?

Is there ANY chance he could get her pregnant? Pulls fail, condoms break etc>

But ultimately, you know if you're happy or not. If you both are, then you don't need anyone else's consent

@SleepingStandingUp

My concerns would be good sex life costs something like 150-300 a WEEK.

Probably cheaper than a divorce/2 seperate households.

He probably shares the cost with the OW.

If he slipping out for a perfunctory fuck once the kids are in bed or is he leaving you to sort the kids, tidy up etc? If so do you get equal free time?

If you're off to shag Roger three times a week and he's with Sheila three times a week, when do you spend all this happy couple time together?

She's not shagging anyone. She had no sex drive.

It might be cheaper than a divorce, my point was does she get equal money to spend on things that interest her or are they spending all their free time on his sex life.

And she's not currently shagging Roger, but that bit came after a post about if she'd be able to meet someone if she wanted to and be able to get to know them in the way she'd need to for sex rather than just finding someone on the Internet. So would he be OK with her going through almost a dating phase.
Then the time management issue followed that.

@SleepingStandingUp

It doesn't sound like she's interested in other men at all.

The thing with equal spends, very much depends on how their finances operate. His income may be just that...HIS.

A lot of households don't combine income and contribute to bills on a prorata amount of earnings.

I guess the arrangement works for her and she seems happy...FOR NOW at least.

I can't see it going on till the kids are grown up into the teen years. At that point...it's easier to leave the marriage and he may not want to keep going to hotels for sex.

“if your situation works for you and your marriage that’s all that matters.

All I will say is - keep communication really open. Feelings change. Sometimes temporarily. Sometimes what you want changes. The main two things is communication and respect. As long as you both have them then live in a way that works for you both.”

This. My DH and I had a period of open marriage. Technically it still is open but neither of us have any desire to avail ourselves of the freedom. It’s absolutely not for everyone - probably not for most people - but it worked for us. Yes, there’s a risk he or she will develop feelings for each other. In fact, DH and I did have feelings for the other people - we wouldn’t have opened up our marriage just for sex - but that didn’t feel like a threat to our relationship and it wasn’t.

The naivety of some posters. There are thousands upon thousands of people in relationships like this across the UK. There are whole websites dedicated to the fact! Believe me it’s more common than you think.

Sex and love don’t go hand in hand all the time. Sex is about pleasure but doesn’t mean you’ll automatically fall in love with the person! Chances are the OW has got her own husband at home too

which websites?

I’ve seen men being very straight forward on apps

This isn’t an open relationship as you haven’t got a sex drive. You don’t even have sex together never mind with anOther

open relationships are about you both having sex with each and others too not this one sided arrangement

dont you feel anything about the fact he lost his erection during sex even if it’s been a long while. Not this it isn’t his fault because I rejected him all the time.

I know of open relationships and this isn’t it this is a disaster waiting to happen

read the books @EthicalNonMahogany recommended

If no one knows about it (hopefully this doesn't get picked up by the gutter press) then don't worry about it.

It does feel like it has the potential to go tits up, like 50% of marriages so just enjoy it while it's good and worry about the future when it comes.

Nothing wrong with it and echoing what others said just keep in tune with your feelings. Like don’t feel pressured to act like you’re happy if you’re not. But currently it sounds like you are so good luck to you!

I don't think she sounds happy at all.

Disclaimer: I've been in polyamorous/open relationships. Most of the time it's a sticking plaster over a big mess. Occasionally it works OK, when it's not being done because the primary relationship is fucked up.. this one is.

I’m glad it’s working for you OP. Can’t help
but wonder if he will be as laid back if you take a lover though

open relationships are about you both having sex with each and others too not this one sided arrangement

Thats not necessarily the case at all.

Open relationships are where there is permission for sexual or relationship-style intimacy with other people.
It’s by no means compulsory that both do.

I know quite a few adults with the condition my DD has, for one example, where one party in a relationship has sex with others because one of them physically can’t.

Whether the OPs case is a wise choice or not is debatable and remains to be seen. However, the idea that there’s a fixed rule that both parties in a relationship should be having sex with others or it’s automatically doomed is simply incorrect.

most open relationships are about a solid base to open it up to this

this isn’t, its one sided for him

I truly believe he won’t like it when you do get your sex drive back and change the set up.

Your relationship isnt solid it’s on shaky ground.

I'm another one who thinks all of this was set up suspiciously quickly. I don't think he had her "waiting in the wings" OP, I think it was further forward than that. And I suspect she is the reason that he suggested an open marriage. It sounds like he had her in mind when he suggested an open marriage as a solution.

Maybe that wouldn't matter if things were more casual. But if he's having sex with her x2-3 times per week, it's inevitable that intimacy will develop. Even if he says he wants to stay married to you, and the OW says that she wants to stay in her relationship - and even if both of those facts remain unchanged - they could still end up having strong feelings for each other.

How would you feel about the fact that your DH is having sex with someone that he has feelings for? Would you be happy to ignore that fact as long as he didn't leave your marriage? Or would that cross a boundary - have you considered what your boundaries are?

I think the fact that your DH is so desperate for sexual relations yet couldn't manage to keep an erection with you is perhaps a real warning sign. It suggests that already he's only able to have sex with this other woman, and no longer sees you as a sexual partner. You don't sleep in the same bed, you don't have sex, and several times a week your DH is nipping off to have sex with another woman, the same woman every time.

This doesn't sound like one of those rare open marriages that works well. You sound like flatmates who enjoy hanging out - and I can't see this ending well. I really hope that I'm wrong.

If true, sounds to me like he's paying for sex.

OP, are your finances completely merged and transparent?

I knew a man whose wife "closed eyes" to his affairs. Well, it was an affair only once. All the other times were prostitutes in hotels.

It does feel like it has the potential to go tits up, like 50% of marriages

This. It's worth a try if you're otherwise happy together.

TBH of you have no drive (eg. Don't feel aroused, don't masturbate, fantasize etc.) no amount of counseling or sex therapy makes a difference. In fact, it can make you feel worse because they're trying to coax a "reason" out of you for something that, for you, feels normal and natural. Not everyone's drive is "blocked" by tiredness, chores, resentment etc. some people just go off sex.

I think the fact that your DH is so desperate for sexual relations yet couldn't manage to keep an erection with you is perhaps a real warning sign

I think considering the OP very clearly, and openly, doesn’t want to have sex it would have been a bigger warning sign of his personality had her husband been able to stay hard.

Where did he find this woman? I think it's too early to say if this arrangement is successful so I wouldn't count my eggs yet.
Are you not bothered by the extra costs of all those hotel rooms?

The only couple I know that they have an open set up, with the woman not bothered about finding someone as well, is where they have too much money to lose by going separately (joint multi million business). Their lifestyle is a lot more cushy together so she's given him free reign. He was always a bit of a horny womaniser, mind.

That's why I ask where he found her.
I don't know how an ordinary woman would be able to meet a random man and have sex in hotels and go. It does sound like a prostitute arrangement.

Women that are having sex like this usually like the texts, the emotional connection. I don't know many women who would find a random man and have regular sex sessions and nothing else. If she had the sexual and emotional chemistry build up from seeing him in real life such as working with him or practising a hobby together or known each other for years socially, yes but for the same completely stranger woman to agree to regular hotel meets without any strings or any contact at all or 'buttering up' before and between meets is very unusual. Unless, he is seeing different women or this is a prostitute? Unless, your husband is so amazingly handsome with a fantastic dick?? The average man just doesn't find a regular woman to have NSA sex with and absolutely nothing emotional else on the regular this easily. So if he is sleeping wth many women I would worry about catching something from him even if they all claim to be tested and clean. Words are easily, test results can be faked and sometimes you genuinely were not aware or the timing meant you STIs weren't detectable.

I would be more upset if my husband is seeing prostitutes to be honest.