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Original poster

Open Marriage - seems to be working against odds, is there something wrong with us?

184 replies

Pumpkinspicedmum · 08/02/2023 11:40

I posted a few months ago about my DH asking we went to relate to discuss our non existent sex life, or to consider an open marriage. The lack of sex has been coming from me and I fully acknowledge this.

At my own admission, I felt a bit weird about therapy and after three months of discussions we decided to embark on an open marriage. DH now sleeps in the spare room and meets up with someone for sex a few times a week.

Weirdly, our relationship has improved massively since we started this arrangement. We are better co-parents, we have a lot more fun together and are strangely more loving and affectionate. We want to spend more time together too, and do a lot more as a family and on our own as a couple. I feel a weight has been lifted and he is now sexually satisfied and much happier.

Is it strange that it seems to be working so well for us? I am obviously under no illusions about what the future holds, but for now, we are the strongest we've ever been. I am surprised by how much things have improved between us and am worried this makes us abnormal. We made love for the first time in months the other day and it was apparent that that area of our relationship has fizzled out (lack of arousal from both sides, DH lost his erection, I didn't climax)

We are still very much a couple in every other way, and I know DH has no emotional ties to this other woman and she doesn't for him.

Am I being naive to think that this has been a positive for our marriage?

I almost feel guilty for being happy with the arrangement as the popular view was to not open our marriage. Opinions welcome x

OP posts:
Comedycook · 08/02/2023 16:19

What if he falls in love with her?

I don't know how you can bear knowing your dh is sleeping with another women. Is the idea of having sex with your own husband so repulsive that you'd rather he shags someone else?!

CleaningOutMyCloset · 08/02/2023 16:25

It's obviously working for you both op, so that's a good thing. Sod what society thinks, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors

As you said the future may change, your dh might start to have feelings for the woman he's sleeping with, or it might be someone else down the road. He might react badly if you dip your toe in the water, or you might start having feelings for another man, who knows. All of this could happen in a monogamous relationship, but more likely if the physical side is already there

SNWannabe · 08/02/2023 16:27

It depends on what your marriage is to you.

To most, it is an exclusive relationship. To most, it includes physical intimacy- not necessarily full PIV sex but a physical intimacy that you don’t have with anyone else.

If this isn’t what your marriage is, what is it? And how does it differ from a friendship? If you redefine your marriage to be a Co-parenting friendship, then fair enough… but I guess you’re bothered what others think in a way because you know that’s NOT a marriage. And perhaps the relief you feel is the pressure not being on you for sex, but perhaps you need to address that perhaps your marriage is over.

Wellitjustgetsworse · 08/02/2023 16:29

Think these arrangements can work but there will always be a risk those hormones that go off when you meet someone new and shiney for them to think they would make a better partner. I saw a thread on here awhile ago where that happened where they agreed nothing emotional but it developed after years of having this arrangement.

Choconut · 08/02/2023 16:30

Opening it up is always potentially dangerous due to the possibility of you getting hurt if he develops feelings for the OW so I'm not surprised people were against the idea. But with anything there's risk and it wasn't working the way it was so why not try things a different way and see if you can make it work. Enjoy it while being aware things may change again at some time in the future.

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 16:32

Personally i think it's inevitable that he will eventually develop feelings for her. People aren't robots...if you are having regular sex with someone it's natural there will also be an emotional element too. What do you think happens afterwards? They get dressed and shake hands? No, they probably cuddle, snuggle up, look into each others eyes. Are you really fine with that?

windyarse · 08/02/2023 16:34

You are just friends with your husband. If you are ok with that because you would rather that then lose him, fair enough. It wouldn't be for me though and I say this as someone in a non sexual relationship with my husband.

Mmotherknowsbest · 08/02/2023 16:37

Bookist · 08/02/2023 13:55

I just don't really see the point. You're calling it an open marriage but the second one of you has sex with someone else then it simply stops being a marriage in my book.

But that's kind of the point. It's by your book, if everyone's relationship is different, and it is, it will run by their own version of their own book

category12 · 08/02/2023 16:40

If everyone is happy, then that's great.

I'm sure there will be ups and downs with it, because nothing ever stays the same, and the person he's seeing may end things with him and he might find himself sad about it, or they could get more emotionally connected and want more from each other, or you might meet someone you're attracted to yourself. You can't predict these things.

But you can't really predict what will happen in a conventional marriage either. People have affairs and leave or split up all the time.

As long as it's all in the open and you're comfortable with things, then that's just dandy.

discobrain · 08/02/2023 16:40

Good for you OP! It looks like things are working out well for you both.

nc1013 · 08/02/2023 16:45

I don't know much about these things but what you describe to me sounds more like a flat-mate co-parenting situation rather than a marriage. That's not to say it's wrong but other than the piece of paper saying you're legally married, what makes it a marriage? Genuinely curious.....

Also, I'd struggle with the fact my DH was able to get turned on and maintain an erection several times a week with someone else, but not manage once in a blue moon with me. I'd find that quite personal?!
At least with you, you've lost interest in sex. Full stop. He's got quite a high sex drove but not sexually attracted to you. That would tear my self esteem to shreds (sorry of that sounds harsh, could be my own insecurities)

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 16:45

If my dh wanted me to sleep with someone else just so he didn't have to, my heart would break into a million pieces. Has the fact you're fine with this not hurt your dh?

tribpot · 08/02/2023 16:48

It's clearly working for you at the moment, so why not. My concern would be the many ways in which it could stop working for you and what the agreement is with your DH if that becomes the case. Things I would be concerned about:

  • one or other of them (or both) develop feelings
  • they are seen by one of your friends or family, how is that handled?
  • the OW becomes pregnant
  • he finishes it with her or vice versa and it starts to intrude on your home life
  • you meet the OW in another context, e.g. at work or (god forbid) it turns out to be another mum at school
  • his extracurricular activity curtails what you can do in the evening, since presumably you're covering childcare whilst he's out shagging 3 times a week.

I do also wonder how he'd actually handle it if you decided to start seeing other people. Since this situation has arisen in response to your low libido, I think he would be affronted if you wanted to pursue something with someone else.

GrumpyPanda · 08/02/2023 16:52

We are still very much a couple in every other way, and I know DH has no emotional ties to this other woman and she doesn't for him.

Well bully for you. So she's also married? And if not, what happens if she wants more, then it's tough titty?

You're both being completely callous cannibalizing a third party's potential emotional well-being to breathe new life into a flailing marriage.

user1188 · 08/02/2023 16:59

If it's working now then that's great. It must be a weight lifted off both your shoulders. However I can't see this lasting - it's still too early. Your DH literally has the best of both worlds right now so he's bound to be in higher spirits.

What came across to me the most when reading this is that you and your DH sound like best friends now. Doing this has brought you closer but it doesn't seem much in a romantic way. More getting along better and doing things with the kids.

  • you don't mind him having sex with other women which must mean something has gone for you - some sort of feeling.
  • he's actually having sex with another woman. You're not. I bet he would change if you did.
  • you've tried sec together and it didn't work.

Just seems like you would be better off as good friends and co parenting

Lili132 · 08/02/2023 17:02

Open relationships work when people have a very strong emotional and physical connection in the main relationship.

That's not the case here is it?

You're running a huge risk that he will fall in love with someone else and decides he wants to have a full relationship that involves sex etc.

AllOfThemWitches · 08/02/2023 17:03

Aren't you basically just friends if you don't fancy each other?

Viviennemary · 08/02/2023 17:03

It will probably all end in tears for somebody. Still thats life.

Comedycook · 08/02/2023 17:08

And the fact that he's meeting up with her three times a week is definitely ringing alarm bells...this isn't an occasional dalliance...

JustJamie5 · 08/02/2023 17:09

I think - all things have a beginning, and all things have an end. What matters is that we have happy stories overall. It sounds like that’s what you have.

I think, if you ultimately keep communicating maybe one day you could ‘just’ be friends but, good friends are hard to come by!! And I’ve never massively understood why we’re allowed lots of friends but only one ‘romantic’ partner (plenty of people and my DP will disagree with me on this…. But as someone who isn’t very jealous & has had a successful open relationship in the past etc. I don’t get why we can’t all be a bit more free. Trust is what matter more than anything really!)

Mom2K · 08/02/2023 17:18

Well this has disaster written all over it, but good luck to you. Seems very unlikely to me that two people can have sex a few times per week on an ongoing basis and not actually have that turn into a relationship of some sort or that neither party will end up developing feelings.

Maybe he won't, but my bet is he will leave at some point to actually be with the other woman but that probably doesn't really matter since you've agreed to just be his roommate. I don't think it matters in the slightest if you coparent under the same roof or not 🤷‍♀️ just be prepared for this possibility.

Mom2K · 08/02/2023 17:19

&but that probably doesn't really matter since you've agreed to just be his roommate*

Correction- housemate

PermanentTemporary · 08/02/2023 17:25

I'm glad it's working and long may it last.

Yes there are about a hundred possible pitfalls but there are in all relationships. I hope you've been able to set boundaries that work for you.

LikeMindedLady · 08/02/2023 17:31

Good for you if it's working, who cares what other people think.

He might get feelings for his sexual partner but deal with that if and when it comes up, it doesn't have to mean the end of your arrangement. I have very strong feeling for my other partner, and it's reciprocated, but that doesn't take anything away from how we feel about our main partners. We don't feel like we ever have to progress to a 'next step', we are happy enjoying what we have long term and don't wish to change it.

MaireadMcSweeney · 08/02/2023 17:38

My relationship is open to a degree so I'm not coming from a position of judgement but no emotional ties? Really? They have sex several times a week? This has disaster written all over it. You're in the honeymoon stage which is why you feel so loved up but in my view meeting several times a week with the same person is way too much. Now I do know couples who have more of a polyamory arrangement and that works for them but that's clearly not what you any and wouldn't be for me either.

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