Page 6 | Open Marriage - seems to be working against odds, is there something wrong with us?

Pumpkinspicedmum · 2023-02-08T11:40:42+00:00

I posted a few months ago about my DH asking we went to relate to discuss our non existent sex life, or to consider an open marriage. The lack of sex has been coming from me and I fully acknowledge this. At my own admission, I felt a bit weird about therapy and after three months of discussions we decided to embark on an open marriage. DH now sleeps in the spare room and meets up with someone for sex a few times a week. Weirdly, our relationship has improved massively since we started this arrangement. We are better co-parents, we have a lot more fun together and are strangely more loving and affectionate. We want to spend more time together too, and do a lot more as a family and on our own as a couple. I feel a weight has been lifted and he is now sexually satisfied and much happier. Is it strange that it seems to be working so well for us? I am obviously under no illusions about what the future holds, but for now, we are the strongest we've ever been. I am surprised by how much things have improved between us and am worried this makes us abnormal. We made love for the first time in months the other day and it was apparent that that area of our relationship has fizzled out (lack of arousal from both sides, DH lost his erection, I didn't climax) We are still very much a couple in every other way, and I know DH has no emotional ties to this other woman and she doesn't for him. Am I being naive to think that this has been a positive for our marriage? I almost feel guilty for being happy with the arrangement as the popular view was to not open our marriage. Opinions welcome x

PigTableManners · 10/02/2023 06:02

Posted too soon, sorry.

So if this is a woman he has an emotional bond with or he knows in real life in a different capacity then I would be worried about emotions getting involved.
People say all sorts of things and then change their mind so I wouldn't take it as gospel when they say they won't leave their spouse.

I think you're desperate to hold on to your marriage but might be quite naive. It works for few couples but who knows about the resentment and changes of heart when he does meet someone fantastic that he falls for.. it can and does happen more often than the scenario of NSA open relation.

Monty27 · 10/02/2023 06:05

OP is he paying her? Does she know he's married with a young family?
Who pays for the hotel?

Luckymonth · 10/02/2023 06:19

@Pumpkinspicedmum I wonder if you just care what people think because you haven't had this experience before and are concerned about where it might head. I sense you're not just one of those people who worries what others think or you wouldn't have taken up a different arrangement in the first place.

One thing I wonder, do you want to have sex with him? What's your attitude to sex, for example is it that you want to, but not as often that he does, do you not fancy him like you used to, or is that it you've never been interested in sex (I read that some people are not interested in sex at all, we assume everyone is the same but it is a thing)?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 10/02/2023 06:32

YerAWizardHarry · 09/02/2023 22:30

The naivety of some posters. There are thousands upon thousands of people in relationships like this across the UK. There are whole websites dedicated to the fact! Believe me it’s more common than you think.

Sex and love don’t go hand in hand all the time. Sex is about pleasure but doesn’t mean you’ll automatically fall in love with the person! Chances are the OW has got her own husband at home too

I feel a song by Stevie Wonder coming on here and then another from Elton John.

Adventvibes · 10/02/2023 07:00

Seems a bit odd that you would conclude after one try at being intimate together that that part of your relationship is totally dead. Not a surprise it wouldn’t be great after a long time and with all the context - but something made you decide to try again and be enough in the mood to get to that stage - isn’t that worth unpicking a bit?

you say you’re a people pleaser, seems like this is also extending to your marriage and what does feel like a very unbalanced arrangement

Milkand2sugarsplease · 10/02/2023 07:13

In no order, I wondered

this ow and her "similar situation' appeared rather quickly.
how much are they spending on hotels...
where is the line drawn - if he meets a random in a pub, can he (or you I guess) just bugger off with them for a quickie
what happens if feelings become involved? You can't know they won't.
what happens if she ends it against his wishes and he's mooing around the house because of it.
would he really be ok if you found anyone else or is he saying that because you're not interested in meeting someone?
if it's working for you then great, but it seems he's having his cake and eating it - wife at home with the children and a free pass to do whatever he pleases with someone else.

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 07:17

ClearMoth · 09/02/2023 23:17

I don't think she sounds happy at all.

Disclaimer: I've been in polyamorous/open relationships. Most of the time it's a sticking plaster over a big mess. Occasionally it works OK, when it's not being done because the primary relationship is fucked up.. this one is.

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I have to agree OP from what you have said you just sound relieved that your marriage hasn’t ended. I don’t think that’s the same as being happy. Therapy isn’t for everyone, but the fact you were frightened to go stood out to me. I may be wrong but reads like you are afraid to think about the real issues between you in case the relationship doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. I think your husband must be like the cat that got the cream, you are still keeping the ship afloat at home and he gets to shag whoever he likes without even having to worry that YOU might meet someone else that you like more than him. I mean you only have his word about the person he is meeting. Could be a different person every time for all you know. It opens a gulf in the trust between you. I couldn’t live that and I don’t know many people who could long term and honestly say they are happy.

rwalker · 10/02/2023 07:27

Open marriage is not for everyone it ether ok for you or it isn’t
I’ve friends who are swingers have been for years
they both meet people separately
then liken sex to a sport lol it’s purely physical zero emotional involvement.
mine of the happiest couples I know

YerAWizardHarry · 10/02/2023 07:49

PositiveIntelligence · 09/02/2023 22:42

which websites?

I’ve seen men being very straight forward on apps

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FabSwingers is FULL of singles seeking other singles despite the name. Hundreds of people in my local area alone

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 10/02/2023 08:07

PigTableManners · 10/02/2023 06:00

That's why I ask where he found her.
I don't know how an ordinary woman would be able to meet a random man and have sex in hotels and go. It does sound like a prostitute arrangement.

Women that are having sex like this usually like the texts, the emotional connection. I don't know many women who would find a random man and have regular sex sessions and nothing else. If she had the sexual and emotional chemistry build up from seeing him in real life such as working with him or practising a hobby together or known each other for years socially, yes but for the same completely stranger woman to agree to regular hotel meets without any strings or any contact at all or 'buttering up' before and between meets is very unusual. Unless, he is seeing different women or this is a prostitute? Unless, your husband is so amazingly handsome with a fantastic dick?? The average man just doesn't find a regular woman to have NSA sex with and absolutely nothing emotional else on the regular this easily. So if he is sleeping wth many women I would worry about catching something from him even if they all claim to be tested and clean. Words are easily, test results can be faked and sometimes you genuinely were not aware or the timing meant you STIs weren't detectable.

I would be more upset if my husband is seeing prostitutes to be honest.

Plenty of people on Fabswingers (or similar sites, but Fab is the biggest) looking for exactly the kind of arrangement the OP describes.

And whilst women have far more choices on there (because there are far more men) a man who can show reliability, zero hassles, not try and turn it into more and facilitate hotels (cost sharing and booking wise) regularly would actually find an arrangement because the reliability is hard to find.

ArcticSkewer · 10/02/2023 08:19

Sure he did.

Tell all the other men on fab his secret - they'd love to know! You say plenty of people on fab .. come on ... it's 90% men or couples, and the 10% women are either also men or looking for more variety than a twice a week fuck with the same bloke.

Man in open marriage is a ton of hassle. Why bother when there are a million better options? He doesn't tick the boxes married dating websites for married women in don't ask don't tell - too much risk of hassle as the wife knows already - plus the secrecy is part of the fun - and women usually want to feel the special secret. Women who like anonymous sex prefer variety. There are 100 men for every woman online. What's special about his dick that he pulled straight away in this scenario?

I bet he met this woman ages ago and now it's being more regularised.

TeamadIshbel · 10/02/2023 08:33

Sorry to say but I envisage that without intervention from you, your DH will move onto other partners and develop romantic feelings for one of them.

If you genuinely are not that fussed and don't feel jealous or anything then wouldn't you be better in a long term way to rekindle your sex life, making it satisfying with DH? Talk about sex with the other women with him and bring it into your sex life if it is arousing. Explore your own sexual needs, for example is your DH happy and secure with you having a new man in your life to sexually satisfy you?

The part of your relationship that doesn't involve sex is good it seems but that may be stemming from you allowing your DH to spend a few times a week having sex with someone else,while you protect his home/family life.

Don't forget yourself in this, it's not all about you as a unit.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 10/02/2023 08:38

ArcticSkewer · 10/02/2023 08:19

Sure he did.

Tell all the other men on fab his secret - they'd love to know! You say plenty of people on fab .. come on ... it's 90% men or couples, and the 10% women are either also men or looking for more variety than a twice a week fuck with the same bloke.

Man in open marriage is a ton of hassle. Why bother when there are a million better options? He doesn't tick the boxes married dating websites for married women in don't ask don't tell - too much risk of hassle as the wife knows already - plus the secrecy is part of the fun - and women usually want to feel the special secret. Women who like anonymous sex prefer variety. There are 100 men for every woman online. What's special about his dick that he pulled straight away in this scenario?

I bet he met this woman ages ago and now it's being more regularised.

I know at least a dozen guys from Fab who have that set up with a woman or couple.

And at least as many women who prefer men in open marriages as they’re far less likely to get clingy or want more. They have more to lose so less likely to be dicks. I know of three who exclusively only meet attached guys for that reason.

The secrecy absolutely isn’t part of the fun for many people.

TeamadIshbel · 10/02/2023 08:39

AreolaGrande · 08/02/2023 18:03

Long may it last OP.

I have to say though, speaking from very personal experience (although I was more your DH in my case), I really don't think it will.

Open relationships that stem from a problem/incompatibility in the primary relationship rarely succeed. They're often just a way of delaying the inevitable split.

What you're feeling now is, in my opinion, something similar to the hysterical bonding some people experience after a breakup/affair. You both think you've found a "solution" to your relationship problems that means you get to keep your marriage whilst allowing your DP to have his sexual needs met. You're probably convincing yourself that it is going to work because the alternative is divorce/breaking up your family which you perceive to be worse than being in a sexless relationship where your DH shags other people.

In reality it's unlikely that some sort of emotional connection won't develop between your DH and the OW. And if not her then it will with the next OW.

It's equally unlikely that you won't, on some level, begin to resent the time he is spending outside of the family unit having single person fun with another woman. How can you be stronger than ever when he's likely spending a significant amount of time every day thinking about OW/texting OW/taking dick pics to send to OW.
You'll be watching a film together and see him read a text and smile and you'll know it's OW. That's the stuff that you'll likely start to notice and begin to resent. He'll be generally less engaged in family life as he'll be in the thralls of a shiny new exciting sexual relationship.

I genuinely do wish you well but if you come back and post in in a year's time and things are still rosy in the garden, I'll eat my hat.

Agree. Hope you do come back in a year and post, OP.

TeamadIshbel · 10/02/2023 08:56

Pumpkinspicedmum · 09/02/2023 08:23

For those asking, we did have the night away. It was fine, we discussed counselling in depth and we were going to try it but I got cold feet. Hence why we revisited the open marriage discussion.

Was she waiting in the wings? I don't know, but to be fair DH had been virtually celibate for 5 years so I'm sure he's felt attracted to other women at some point.

With regards to our sex life, I'm not surprised he found it hard to stay aroused. Ive rejected him for 5 years and when we do do it I prefer to just let him get on with it, so it probably wasnt the sexiest experience tbh x

I feel concerned for you OP, it does sound very confusing that your DH starting look for a partner to have few times weekly sex with was easier for both of you than you going to couples counselling.

Do you suspect deep down that he is unattracted to you now and you are avoiding being in a position where you are hearing this? Or did you sense there was another woman.

It sounds so much like it's you making all the concessions. My DH and I have had v little sex in 6 years. It was all me, relating to a health issue. Starting to change but I find it vv difficult to engage because of my own self esteem, confidence about body shape. But I know if he began having sex with anyone else, the bond would be gone. It's good you are so sure about this but are you really?

Louisetopaz21 · 10/02/2023 09:04

Each to their own but I would be less comfortable about it being the same woman has feelings are bound to happen which is natural. At least if it was different women then it would less likely happen. I don't think an open marriage would work for us as we both want one another and I could not bear the thought of DH being intimate with another female on any level but pleased this is for you.

trulyunruly01 · 10/02/2023 09:06

Reading your posts it sounds as if you view the whole thing as entirely your fault, which I find sad. Also sad that you couldn't breach the barrier that stopped you using therapy, with the right therapist and the right questions you might have got to the root of your low sex drive and even if this relationship ended, you may have been able to look to an exciting future.
I would be tempted to test whether my dh was as happy with the arrangement if it were two way - if you said you had arranged a situation such as his, and returned to the house some hours later appearing happy and satisfied, would he be pleased for you, or do you think possibly there might be a little sulky behaviour? I kind of suspect the latter...

Luckymonth · 10/02/2023 09:27

I think there are issues here. Like I understand his issue, not having sex is hard. My OH has a much lower sex drive than me and often I'm rejected, it's tiring.

However there aren't other issues in our marriage. It's just how he is. He would be devastated at the thought of me with another man because although he isn't very interested in sex he wants intimacy and he wants me to not fancy other people.

This difference forces us to consider each other more. Like when he went from sex once every ten days to virtually none at all, i didn't have the option of escapism with someone else. So I had to help him find out what was wrong. It turned out he was ridiculously stressed but hiding it. Which then led him to modify his job and look for a new one.

I also considered what did arouse him, how could I make more of an effort and not just lie there and take it. Could I be kinder to him? Etc.. and I realised actually that I could.

If I were a man with a people pleasing wife who said it was ok I'd probably be shagging someone else (though three times a week is a lot I mean when does he talk to you, watch TV or do the pots!?) and I'd have missed out on all of this, those signs he wasn't ok, opportunities to do more etc..

So I wonder if for both of you this seems like the easy way out. No one has to address their issues, ask themselves what they could do better, or your OH accept he should be getting some sex but no we don't always get what we want.

In your position I'd consider if I still love my OH and if I do, I'd be looking to find out how I can boost my libido to say once a week, address any issue through therapy or couples therapy or self help books, whatever works for you, get him to reduce his sex outside of marriage once a week. Treat this as a short term arrangement and get things back to just you and him.

Original poster

Pumpkinspicedmum · 10/02/2023 11:45

I don't think DH is unattracted to me. When we had sex the other day, it didn't work. Not because he wasn't attracted to me, but because I wasn't particularly into it and that's not attractive. Its my attitude and emotions that turn him off rather than my body iyswim. He also admitted that 4 years of rejection have made him feel a bit inferior in bed, and he has worried about his attractiveness in my eyes, making it harder to enjoy sex. This has resulted in the sparking dying a death atm. We have talked about this not being personal or linked to him and he is finally able to make some peace with situation.

Him and OW are 100% at present not into each other emotionally. There is minimal interaction outside of their arrangement. The twice a week thing is fine with me. He is very discreet and meets her when I go to my exercise classes. My friend has always looked after DCs when I've been at exercise classes anyway as this also gave DH time to go to gym, without encroaching on family time. (I look after her little girl on a Saturday morning whilst she does a cleaning job so this arrangement works for us) And yes, he was at the gym and not with OW as my classes are at the same gym and we used to drive there together.

DH is always home before me now, so taking travel out of the equation, they are spending less than two hours a week together. They did know each other beforehand, we both knew her and OWs open marriage with her husband is widely known about. DH is not the only man she is seeing, hence why he approached her. I am aware he finds her attractive, but in reality, even if our marriage was fine, he'd still find her attractive so it doesnt eat me up. I really am not concerned at present about feelings developing.

I am not going to punish DH when my behaviour in our marriage has been far from great too. I spoke to him this morning after reading some of your comments and we have agreed to review our arrangement in six months. We are both conscious of each other's happiness, hence why we have taken such a risk in the first place x

OP posts:

PigTableManners · 10/02/2023 11:52

The update reads like a reverse I don't even know how you can say 100% no feelings but hope it works out for you all.

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 11:54

Pumpkinspicedmum · 10/02/2023 11:45

I don't think DH is unattracted to me. When we had sex the other day, it didn't work. Not because he wasn't attracted to me, but because I wasn't particularly into it and that's not attractive. Its my attitude and emotions that turn him off rather than my body iyswim. He also admitted that 4 years of rejection have made him feel a bit inferior in bed, and he has worried about his attractiveness in my eyes, making it harder to enjoy sex. This has resulted in the sparking dying a death atm. We have talked about this not being personal or linked to him and he is finally able to make some peace with situation.

Him and OW are 100% at present not into each other emotionally. There is minimal interaction outside of their arrangement. The twice a week thing is fine with me. He is very discreet and meets her when I go to my exercise classes. My friend has always looked after DCs when I've been at exercise classes anyway as this also gave DH time to go to gym, without encroaching on family time. (I look after her little girl on a Saturday morning whilst she does a cleaning job so this arrangement works for us) And yes, he was at the gym and not with OW as my classes are at the same gym and we used to drive there together.

DH is always home before me now, so taking travel out of the equation, they are spending less than two hours a week together. They did know each other beforehand, we both knew her and OWs open marriage with her husband is widely known about. DH is not the only man she is seeing, hence why he approached her. I am aware he finds her attractive, but in reality, even if our marriage was fine, he'd still find her attractive so it doesnt eat me up. I really am not concerned at present about feelings developing.

I am not going to punish DH when my behaviour in our marriage has been far from great too. I spoke to him this morning after reading some of your comments and we have agreed to review our arrangement in six months. We are both conscious of each other's happiness, hence why we have taken such a risk in the first place x

Op is a lack of libido the only reason you don’t want to sleep with him? Do you find him sexually attractive at all?

Adventvibes · 10/02/2023 11:55

I’m still confused re the sex the other day point - if you made peace with this arrangement why did you decide to have sex (because you felt in the mood? To try to keep DH happy? Who initiated?)? It just makes it sound like there’s still hope for that side of things if you two were in that intimate situ so recently.

ZaphodDent · 10/02/2023 12:16

PigTableManners · 10/02/2023 11:52

The update reads like a reverse I don't even know how you can say 100% no feelings but hope it works out for you all.

The story has evolved to address every concern raised.

Original poster

Pumpkinspicedmum · 10/02/2023 12:39

We thought we'd give it a go the other day, we had a rare bit of alone time and decided to try and it was a bit of a mess. I should have declined really as I wasnt in the mood, but felt bad for DH and thought I might enjoy it once we got into it.

I do find DH attractive but the desire is just gone for me. That goes for other men too, not just DH. I can't even remember the last time I masturbated, which was regular for me before DD was born.

I mentioned it to dr once and was told that its not exactly an illness and she brushed it off. I breastfed dd until she was 2 and will do the same for DS so we still have another 5 months to go. I have often wondered if my libido will improve when I stop BF but atm I just can't see it. I think its just gone.

I think in general, I dont feel at all sexy as a mum. A moment that stuck with me (as ridiculous as it sounds) was when DD caught threadworms from nursery. I ended up with them too. Literally the day I treated everyone DH initiated sex. I had honestly never felt less sexy and I told him I wouldn't be having sex with him under any circumstances until they were gone. I was actually annoyed at him for instigating. We've had them a few times since and each time its grossed me out more and more.

Another time I was getting dressed in front of the mirror and just laughed at the state of my boobs since breastfeeding. So far removed from the girl who used to dress up in stockings, suspenders and peekaboo bras for her DH. Now in big knickers and a nursing bra.

I just don't feel like a sexual person at all anymore. The thought of DH having sex with his unsexy wife out of pity makes my skin crawl beyond belief. He always used to say I was exactly his type physically and he felt so lucky. know I'm not sexy now and as I look different and have lost any desire to try anything new, I know that logically this means I am no longer his type (he has never said this to me btw) and I would never inflict myself on him especially as he hasn't changed at all and is very much the same. The relief I have felt since our arrangement started is huge. I feel like I can relax now.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 10/02/2023 12:56

Pumpkinspicedmum · 10/02/2023 12:39

We thought we'd give it a go the other day, we had a rare bit of alone time and decided to try and it was a bit of a mess. I should have declined really as I wasnt in the mood, but felt bad for DH and thought I might enjoy it once we got into it.

I do find DH attractive but the desire is just gone for me. That goes for other men too, not just DH. I can't even remember the last time I masturbated, which was regular for me before DD was born.

I mentioned it to dr once and was told that its not exactly an illness and she brushed it off. I breastfed dd until she was 2 and will do the same for DS so we still have another 5 months to go. I have often wondered if my libido will improve when I stop BF but atm I just can't see it. I think its just gone.

I think in general, I dont feel at all sexy as a mum. A moment that stuck with me (as ridiculous as it sounds) was when DD caught threadworms from nursery. I ended up with them too. Literally the day I treated everyone DH initiated sex. I had honestly never felt less sexy and I told him I wouldn't be having sex with him under any circumstances until they were gone. I was actually annoyed at him for instigating. We've had them a few times since and each time its grossed me out more and more.

Another time I was getting dressed in front of the mirror and just laughed at the state of my boobs since breastfeeding. So far removed from the girl who used to dress up in stockings, suspenders and peekaboo bras for her DH. Now in big knickers and a nursing bra.

I just don't feel like a sexual person at all anymore. The thought of DH having sex with his unsexy wife out of pity makes my skin crawl beyond belief. He always used to say I was exactly his type physically and he felt so lucky. know I'm not sexy now and as I look different and have lost any desire to try anything new, I know that logically this means I am no longer his type (he has never said this to me btw) and I would never inflict myself on him especially as he hasn't changed at all and is very much the same. The relief I have felt since our arrangement started is huge. I feel like I can relax now.

I find this very sad to read. I can identify in many ways. I also have two young children and my sex drive has plummeted since becoming a mother. I breastfed both children until they turned 2; when I stopped BF DC1 my sex drive did return, but since I've stopped BF DC2 it has been more of a struggle, probably because I'm more exhausted from parenting them both and work and life in general.

However, I just cannot imagine feeling OK about the solution you've agreed to. I just hope you are genuinely OK with it because I'm not sure that you are. I just get the impression that you're allowing him to go elsewhere for sex so you don't have to worry about it. But I don't think burying your head in the sand about how you feel (in terms of your attractiveness and your sense of being a person with the right to enjoy your own pleasures) is going to help you at all in the long run.

I am struggling with all this myself and to some extent I think it's normal as a mother to young children. So I'm not judging you at all. I just feel sad that you seem to be prioritising everyone's needs over your own (which can be so easily done as a mother).