Open Marriage - seems to be working against odds, is there something wrong with us?

[Pumpkinspicedmum]

I posted a few months ago about my DH asking we went to relate to discuss our non existent sex life, or to consider an open marriage. The lack of sex has been coming from me and I fully acknowledge this.

At my own admission, I felt a bit weird about therapy and after three months of discussions we decided to embark on an open marriage. DH now sleeps in the spare room and meets up with someone for sex a few times a week.

Weirdly, our relationship has improved massively since we started this arrangement. We are better co-parents, we have a lot more fun together and are strangely more loving and affectionate. We want to spend more time together too, and do a lot more as a family and on our own as a couple. I feel a weight has been lifted and he is now sexually satisfied and much happier.

Is it strange that it seems to be working so well for us? I am obviously under no illusions about what the future holds, but for now, we are the strongest we've ever been. I am surprised by how much things have improved between us and am worried this makes us abnormal. We made love for the first time in months the other day and it was apparent that that area of our relationship has fizzled out (lack of arousal from both sides, DH lost his erection, I didn't climax)

We are still very much a couple in every other way, and I know DH has no emotional ties to this other woman and she doesn't for him.

Am I being naive to think that this has been a positive for our marriage?

I almost feel guilty for being happy with the arrangement as the popular view was to not open our marriage. Opinions welcome x

DH is always home before me now, so taking travel out of the equation, they are spending less than two hours a week together.

Not very good sex, is it?

They did know each other beforehand, we both knew her and OWs open marriage with her husband is widely known about.

Where do you live? It sounds like a very tight-knit community what with your friend coming to babysit every time your husband goes off to fuck the OW. I don't know anyone with an open marriage that is 'widely known about'.

Does he not exercise any more now?

I actually think you are very strong OP, very brave.
Just make sure you get to address your needs in that you are supported with childcare so you can go to the gym or have pampering done. Remember BF is a complete libido killer and that your needs are very important too as another Emma said.
It sounds like you've really thought it through and communication has been good between you. I just don't want you getting lost and forgotten about. So many women in my family acted as martyrs and I feel their needs weren't/aren't met.
I know sex isn't everything but I do think it should be part of marriage and enjoyable for both. I did discuss your post with DH since he asked me what I was looking at and he said ah the DH is having his cake and eating it. That was another man's take. I was just concerned,I don't like people being taken advantage of.
I suppose I'm possessive I really couldn't share my DH, I'd have to split up. Everyone is different and we have choices.

We are in the South East. OW and her husband are open about their set up and always have been. OW is an ex colleague of mine. We used to go out on a Friday after work in a group and DH would also be out with his work lot so got to know her socially too. We are not best friends, but know each other fairly well and as I said, her set up with her DH was known even then. Its not a seedy clique of people, its just how they have always been as a couple. Our set up is not common knowledge, and we prefer it that way.

I dont think its odd that my friend looks after my DCs for a couple of hours a week when I help her out too and also look after her DD every Saturday. It helps us both out with childcare and I know lots of people who do this. DH doesnt go to the gym with me now but does now go for a run with my brother or to the gym on a Saturday morning when I look after my friend's DD. The rest of our weekend is our own.

I am certainly not in a place where I am even contemplating sex with DH on a regular basis. I am open to the fact that once I stop bf I might feel differently but I'm not there yet, so am not really overthinking it x

Thank you @carryonroundthecorner we are communicating well and hopefully it stays this way xx

This is the gentlest, kindest, and most well intended death of a marriage I’ve ever come across. Your divorce won’t be acrimonious. You do know that you’ll have to face it one day though. You can’t possibly tart up the dead bedroom and do a maypole dance around the marital corpse forever. But for the moment, it works, your open marriage. And what matters most is this very moment. Stay strong OP. 💐

Oh love. This is one of the saddest things I’ve read on here. You’re going through a completely normal part of early motherhood. I can guarantee that the majority of women on this board have felt like you’ve described at some point. And breastfeeding DOES makes you feel like a sack of potatoes and about as sexy.

But, and I say this gently, it might be worth reconsidering why you’ve felt it necessary to open up your marriage in response to a perfectly normal biological stage that is highly likely to be temporary. I would really encourage you to explore this with a good therapist, not with the objective of recovering your libido but more to explore why you’ve jumped to this very extreme solution.

last, you may not feel sexy but you should feel strong and loved. Your body is doing something amazing right now and I hope you give yourself credit for that. Be well.

I second this. Although I typically love sex for the first six month breastfeeding I didn't want it much and I guess some might not at all. I was the same, focused on the baby. But he's having sex three times a week with someone else. This is where his attention and money (for hotels) is going. How is he not supporting you, being there, tidying up, giving you a hug, looking after your baby♥️. It sounds like escapism and he's being selfish. I don't know what happens when your baby stops breastfeeding and you realise you want sex. He might be back or he might have formed a connection with this woman - he's spending so much time with her.

I understand you're trying not to worry. But I don't know why you should try not to overthink it. This is a big thing, it merits consideration.

It’s a strange set up, particularly as you know the woman and know what she looks like! I think they would be a step too far for most people.

it’s your life though and if you are happy accepting this, then the views of strangers shouldn’t matter.

Honestly all the holier than thou responses here. The op doesn't want to have sex and her do doesn't want to remain in a celibate relationship. ( both totally fine) so they've agreed jointly he can satisfy his sexual needs elsewhere and their emotional needs together . No judgement here
In fact I see posts here all the time where an op is shocked that a partner left a sexless relationship. Your communication around this appears to be excellent.
Who knows maybe one day your husband may fall in love with one of his partners but that's the unknown everyone faces. Enjoy things while ye are both happy

It's not an open marriage really though, is it? Because you're no longer having sex.

And you're breastfeeding with a reduced sex drive, which is perfectly biologically normal. Rather than you feeling under pressure, your husband should be supporting you, not trying to fuck other women.

I think it's sad that you think so little of yourself that you don't realise you deserve better.

Honestly all the holier than thou responses here.

Nope. Just direct. Honest. No
illusions. It works now and that’s a good thing.
I guess what I’m trying to say is what this poster said best:

And you're breastfeeding with a reduced sex drive, which is perfectly biologically normal. Rather than you feeling under pressure, your husband should be supporting you, not trying to fuck other women.

It is an open marriage.

An open marriage is where one or both parties have permission to seek sexual (or romantic) pleasure with other people.

It absolutely doesn’t have to be with both parties playing when one of them has zero desire to have sex with anyone.

And that's fine, but I was saying what would concern me about the situation because I'd want to exhaust every avenue. Its a long time to assume she'll know she'll never want sexual intimacy with a man or woman ever again. I'd want to consider the what ifs.

Yes agree re finance, but if his extra bit of wages used to mean the kids could go to the zoo once a month and now can't, or if he's no longer putting money towards their needs, or if it IS shared, then ththat would be a concern. They might have such high wages that a few nights in a Premier Inn barely registers!

Her DH was celibate for five years..I'm amazed he has even remained in the marriage.

You are absolutely delutional

Holier than thou means an attitude of morale superiority.

But no one has said they're morally superior to anyone. It's not about superiority but just pointing out what doesn't seem ok or poses questions.

I think this is a great idea. I BF for 3 years and hated sex and in my worst moments used to actually shout at DH to just “go with a prostitute but leave me the f alone”. Honestly the thought of sex made me so angry. I think this is normal. And in different times the man would’ve discreetly gone elsewhere but now people lose their minds

This is nuts.
Why not just be honest & admit your marriage is over?
Urg I couldn't be dragging it out like this.

This. 100%

They have managed to have DC in that time. So obviously not that celibate.

Gosh, well, it wouldn't make me happy (but I suspect that I am the biologically unusual one, as I really didn't feel any emotional connection to bf and really hated how flat and unsexual it made me) but think if it makes you happy and saves your marriage it is not for me to judge.

I would urge you to reconsider on counselling though. I think that you are scared of being persuaded into sex and don't like discussing it and you feel more in control setting rules on what your partner can do with someone else. I think a good counsellor would eventually and very gently have probably helped you find a less extreme interim solution for both of you - intimacy and sex doesn't always have to be sexy lingerie and a perfect body and you do sound really down on yourself. You seem to think that you cannot be attractive to your husband and he would just be pitying you. There is definitely something really sad about that

OP. It sounds like a really good solution to me.

It may develop in various ways, including in time, maybe you will feel better, and refind your sense of presence in your own body/ pleasure/ desire etc....

there is no relationship dynamic that comes with guarantees. Yours right now, at least, you are both being honest, you are both communicating well, treating each other well, have the amount of sex in your lives that you both want, and you are both feeling better on it ..... so great stuff!

If YOU are feeling good about it, that is all that matters. Don't let judgement/ society bother you! All kinds of relationship set ups can work! Good luck!

So many people saying he's guaranteed to catch feelings for OW....what makes you so sure?

Many people successfully separate sex and emotions and can have a fuck buddy situation and NEVER get attached.
Around 9/10 years ago, I had a FB that I met with regularly and we weren't interested in each other in the slightest. It worked really well for us.
We'd meet up, have sex and then go on with our lives.
Neither caught feelings.

@Pumpkinspicedmum you sound really depressed. The way you talk about your body sounds like you are totally dissociated from it. I think you need to see your GP. I can see now why you didn’t want to attend counselling as a couple. I don’t think you are very well at the moment. Breastfeeding to two is great but it’s wrong to put an arbitrary time limit just because you did it for the first baby. I’m concerned about you and I think you should speak to someone. Did you have PPD?

I'm glad you're able to be this open-minded about sex, but at the same time it seems strange given your refusal to be even a bit open-minded about counselling.
If the priority was to give your child a healthy home life, wouldn't it be worth even trying to have a complete marriage? If you could good a good sex counsellor, you might end up having a really rewarding sex life which deepened the bond between you, rather than severing that bond strand by strand as is happening now.

Another concern is that children pick up on all sorts of signals about their parents' relationships, and this is setting the scene for your kids to be trapped in a similarly dysfunctional situation in future, when surely you'd prefer for them to avoid that? They'll be learning that it's normal for a husband to be rejected by his wife, normal to be in a sexless relationship; isn't it better for them to see his father in a fulfilling relationship, and you either happily, but authentically, alone, or perhaps in a loving relationship with a man who doesn't want sex either, or even maybe in a fulfilling relationship with a man who you do want to have a sex life with. Here's some links about setting your children up for positive relationships in future :

medium.com/@DrPsychMom/how-to-teach-your-kids-that-sex-is-a-positive-thing-81a46616fb1

www.drpsychmom.com/2021/05/07/being-in-a-sexless-marriage-is-as-bad-as-being-in-an-emotionless-one-and-your-therapist-should-agree/

open.spotify.com/episode/3xKgMkCv8sfEJNMpt5PvAj?si=sO9vOOydThCiR4yJ6J79Cg