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Original poster

DH extreme reaction to my affair

537 replies

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:38

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

OP posts:
hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 08/02/2023 10:40

You have to leave.

He sexually assaulted you.

Squiblet · 08/02/2023 10:41

But why are you still together??

StupidlyImperfect · 08/02/2023 10:41

Shouting and raging -fair enough.

Threatening to smash your head against a wall and sexual assault- LTB.

brujarosada · 08/02/2023 10:42

It does not sound like this is a relationship that will be good for you in any way long-term.

Original poster
affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:42

I know. But of course more complex - it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing. And then mid way through he sort of snapped and started crying and I had to put him back to bed. Not black and white.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 08/02/2023 10:42

Squiblet · 08/02/2023 10:41

But why are you still together??

You'd have to wonder.

Scautish · 08/02/2023 10:42

He’s a revolting man. Absolutely nothing ever gives anyone the right to abuse anyone, especially sexually. He’s a pathetic contemptible little prick.

Original poster
affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:43

^^ sorry that was to hallodarkness

we are still together because he has made radical change in the wake of all of this and I feel I should try to repair not least because we have two children together.

OP posts:
Bard6817 · 08/02/2023 10:43

Sorry but this post reeks of:

If a man cheats - it’s because he’s a b**d, if a woman cheats - there’s a problem in the relationship.

Ultimately - he changed - you cheated - he’s abusive. Time to move on with your life seperately.

plumduck · 08/02/2023 10:43

He sexually assaulted you?

Leave him for fucks sake

OrlandointheWilderness · 08/02/2023 10:43

You cheated on him. He threatened extreme violence.
Why are you still together?! This is dead.

plumduck · 08/02/2023 10:43

Bard6817 · 08/02/2023 10:43

Sorry but this post reeks of:

If a man cheats - it’s because he’s a b**d, if a woman cheats - there’s a problem in the relationship.

Ultimately - he changed - you cheated - he’s abusive. Time to move on with your life seperately.

Yes this

Coffeellama · 08/02/2023 10:44

You leave, he’s been violent and you’ve had an affair, if it was just you two then destroying eachother would be your choice. But you have 2 small children who deserve far far more from both of you. Put them first and end this ‘relationship’ while they are still young enough to not be traumatised by it.

plumduck · 08/02/2023 10:44

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:43

^^ sorry that was to hallodarkness

we are still together because he has made radical change in the wake of all of this and I feel I should try to repair not least because we have two children together.

No its beyond repair. The best thing you can do for your kids is show them an example of when things go wrong and can't be fixed there is still hope and a happy life to be had

lifeturnsonadime · 08/02/2023 10:44

I'm not in any way condoning his conduct and you should end this marriage because he is an abuser but had you agreed an open marriage?

I can't think why you'd got to the point of the affair in the first place?

Just end it now.

Nothing in it for either of you even before the violence.

whizzpopping · 08/02/2023 10:44

So - your marriage has been 'in the doldrums' for some time, you feel he has checked out emotionally, parenting work isn't shared fairly, there is clearly resentment on both sides, you've had an affair, he went crazy and threatened & assaulted you...

I don't think there is any dilemma here. It's clear the relationship isn't working

MummyJ36 · 08/02/2023 10:45

You have two kids, young children, is this the kind of environment you want to bring them up in? Their mum having an affair and their dad assaulting her? You don’t sound good for each other and I honestly can’t understand why you’re posting here if you’re so determined to stay with him despite these terrible past actions.

maddy68 · 08/02/2023 10:45

You are both not in this relationship. Leave

maranella · 08/02/2023 10:45

Whatever you have done, your husband is an abusive arsehole and you shouldn't stay with him. As for sexually assaulting you in the middle of the night and then saying he was asleep and couldn't remember ... WTAF??? That is gaslighting as well as abusive. No doubt he was threatening and abusive to the OM too. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

GoldDuster · 08/02/2023 10:45

There is a lot going on here and none of it is yours to fix.

You move past this without him. That's how you do it.

I feel violence and sexual assault are black and white, and so does the law. If you choose to view it otherwise and believe

he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing.

then my love you are going to be faced with more of the same, if not worse at the next opportunity as soon as you let your guard down.

Don't stay and bring your children up with this man, please.

deeperthanallroses · 08/02/2023 10:47

christ just leave him already then you and your children can be happier.

Tiswa · 08/02/2023 10:47

This sounds incredibly toxic and you need to end it - your children do not need to be growing up in this environment and where were they when this all happened.

there is nothing to fix or repair

ConfusedNT · 08/02/2023 10:48

There is never any excuse for violence and sexual assault not even an affair

He had the option to walk away, or to choose to work through it and instead he chose violence

What that means is you are now in a relationship where if you step too far outside of his definition of good you know he has the potential to assault you

Therefore you need to leave

I would also for what it's worth apply the same logic to your affair. You had the option to walk away or work through your issues but instead you chose to cheat. Which leaves him in a position where if he doesn't behave as you want he knows you might respond by cheating. However cheating is not on the same level as physical and sexual assault.

The relationship is very dead and your children deserve not to be brought up in the middle of it.

At a push with a lot of work some people do manage to get past an affair. But no one should be working and pushing themselves to get past abuse, that's always the key to leave.

panthea · 08/02/2023 10:49

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:42

I know. But of course more complex - it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing. And then mid way through he sort of snapped and started crying and I had to put him back to bed. Not black and white.

Very black and white I'm afraid. Rubbish he didn't know what he was doing.

You need to leave regardless of any 'changes' he's made, and I don't say that lightly.

Dodecaheidyin · 08/02/2023 10:50

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:42

I know. But of course more complex - it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing. And then mid way through he sort of snapped and started crying and I had to put him back to bed. Not black and white.

He was punishing you. He was awake. What he did was intentional. Tears are so often used as manipulation. It doesn't seem black and white from where you are, it never does, but when you are free of the fog/manipulation/headfuck you can see it for what it is.

You injured his ego and pride. This was your punishment.