DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

Hope you’re ok
@affairdilemma

@affairdilemma
I think this is like the equivalent of getting the 'ick.'
Once this feeling sets in, I don't think there's anything consciously you can do to get rid of it.

It's simple, you have seen a very ugly side to your DH, and no matter how much counselling you have, you'll never get rid of the very disturbing memory of his actions.

I don't think you should ever blame yourself or feel partly responsible for his actions.

I'm not usually pro-affairs, but equally I totally understand why you almost had one.

@MyStarBoy you are probably right. I think I can only give it a bit more time and see.

we discussed it in couples therapy and I think it finally hit home for him what I was saying. He is still adamant that he didn’t know what was going on but the counsellor was very firm that he didn’t get to invalidate my experience or dictate what had actually happened. We left it as her saying “sometimes in the heat of affair discovery lines get crossed that are very difficult to come back from” - we’ve let it sit there. Now i wait I guess.

@Ineedatrain thank you.

I’m really astonished at some of the posters on here. Thinking that having an affair could somehow equate to being a deranged sadist that sexually abused the OP and burnt her clothes (do people really not see the symbolism in that? He wanted to burn the OP really).

This marriage sounded dead before the affair and OP’s husband should have never agreed to have kids if he doesn’t want any involvement with them, or not even give the OP some time away from the house to have a haircut - what is that about,

This guy has absolutely no redeeming features, is lazy, a shit parent and I think he is actually very dangerous and things could escalate quickly.

OP - please leave him for your and your children’s safety.

I’m really astonished at some of the posters on here. Thinking that having an affair could somehow equate to being a deranged sadist that sexually abused the OP and burnt her clothes (do people really not see the symbolism in that? He wanted to burn the OP really)

There are a lot of people on MN who view affairs as just about the worst thing you could do without killing someone and the only way to destroy a marriage, no matter what went on before. I've seen people call to decriminalise ABH and GBH in the case of infidelity - ie, make it legal to beat the shit out of someone if they cheat on you or sleep with your spouse.

I've seen people call to decriminalise ABH and GBH in the case of infidelity - ie, make it legal to beat the shit out of someone if they cheat on you or sleep with your spouse.

@ReneBumsWombats I've been on here for several years and I've never seen that. I suppose we do get some people who enjoy saying things that'll shock others.

@affairdilemma Sexual assault is never ok and yes he did know what he was doing.

I've seen it more than once. Once saw a thread where an OW (both marriages dead, now married to each other) said the wife had come round and broken her hand and several posters said the wife shouldn't have been prosecuted.

I think it's very worrying that he won't admit wrong-doing.

If it's not wrong, if it's beyond his control, if he has nothing to feel ashamed of or to work on, then doing it again is clearly fine.

(Not that it would make it OK or get-overable if he did admit it, tbh.)

The counselor can say what she likes about 'not invalidating', but that's not going to change that he believes what he did was an 'acceptable' reaction. He is still not admitting nor truly taking responsibility for his criminal actions. All it means to him is "Don't say anything about 'the real truth' out loud". And the lines he crossed were not 'difficult to come back from', they are impossible to come back from.

I'm curious as to what 'letting it sit there' is supposed to result in. And exactly what are you waiting for? He's shown you who he is, believe him.

No. I’m so glad your therapist said that, and also, they were far too gentle on him.
he has brushed off and excused his own behavior far too much, and not taken accountability for violation that should be anathema to him, if he loved you.

I would absolutely leave him.

BTK (known as bind torture and kill in the usa was a prolific rapist and sadistic killer) was a " normal loving husband" who never once showed ANY sign of violence or sexual deviant behavior his wife said. Just because she couldn't see his demons, doesn't mean they weren't there. Fortunately for you, you husband slipped up and his were on full display for you to see! Unfortunately that also means his "self-contol" and "impulse control" that is utilized to keep his skeletons in the closet, is also slipping, so very soon you could be seeing much more of this "behavior"! Mental breakdowns/Crisis DO NOT cause a person to develop such strong sadistic sexual desires that their mind is shut down and their body acting completely independent from the mind and of its own doing, that they attack their partner in their sleep. You have children right? Is one of them female? Because if DH suffering from uncontrollable sexual urges that he is completely unaware of, wouldn't ANY body with a vagina be at risk of being penetrated by him? If he truly has no idea that he's even doing it and can't control it, then any person with a vagina(mom grandmother etc) is not safe sleeping under same roof as him.