DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

[JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater]

You have got to end this. Your H is abusive, workshy, lazy, disengaged from family life, unpredictable and frankly, frightening.

I do not agree with ‘affairs’, it’s not the answer, but frankly, I don’t blame you.

Leave. Five days of abuse? Sexual assaults? Covert surveillance? No.

[AnotherEmma]

LTB. You should have left him years ago when he was taking the piss by not pulling his weight. But surely the sexual assault and verbal threats should have been the final straw. You were wrong to cheat but you are also wrong to stay with him. Don't do it out of guilt.

[Hoppinggreen]

He was violent and sexually assaulted you. Nothing else in your post matters.
You need to leave

[itsnote]

"it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing"

Bullshit. Leave. He punished you by sexually assaulting you. Revolting

[5128gap]

I'd leave. While you were in the wrong, your H crossed a very serious boundary, into violence and sexual assault and to me there would be no going back. His behaviour is not the normal and expected response to betrayal. Thst would be to end the relationship, not to stay and try to 'break' the person to re establish power.
Now he's had a taste of it, I doubt it will be the last time he'll want to punish you in this way, either when memories of your affair resurface (which they will, many times for many years) or next time you do something wrong. Unfortunately it's likely he no longer sees you as someone worth masking and resisting his base instincts for.

[RandomMess]

I think you need to lay it on the line that he needs to own his reaction that he did assault you and terrify you. That there was no justification for his reaction.

[Rowen32]

@affairdilemma

I don’t really mind him checking my emails (and there wasn’t anything in there anyway as I didn’t have contact w OM between meetings). I was upset that he read my therapy journal - he hacked into it - waited til I was asleep and used my fingerprint to get into it (digital diary). But as a PP says this is “allowed” in the context of looking for an affair. This is my issue - a lot of behaviour that would be otherwise impermissible is ok in the context of cheating. DH points to books on affairs which talk about all sorts of crazy behaviour to explain his level of hurt.

but I can’t get past it. I don’t think it’s acceptable that even when I do something horrible and wrong you respond with physical threats and violence. But then we have done some really good work on rebuilding our marriage annd he has fully forgiven me for my cheating. Ugh.

So he used your fingerprint when you were asleep? That is so creepy OP, I mean on top of everything else, how can you sleep and feel safe?

[Crikeyisthatthetime]

Let me get this straight. He hacked into your online therapy journal using your fingerprint while you were asleep? And you think that's ok?
He's gaslighting you. Joint therapy with an abuser is a bad idea. Ending the marriage is a much better one.
OP, you don't need a reason to leave that your abusive partner will find acceptable. You know you are afraid of him and will always be afraid of him, because of what he did. The trust is gone. That's enough reason.

[GoodChat]

I didn’t have contact w OM between meetings

You said it was a really intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year but you only met three times so how does that work? Was it a colleague in a different city or something? You said he cut all contact after H visited him but according to this there was no contact to cut?

You don't need to answer me but I just think maybe your story doesn't add up because there are things that you're not opening up about, which is your prerogative and doesn't change the fact the relationship needs to end, but that might hold some answers.

[katseyes7]

it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake
My ex husband used to do this. I'd wake up with him trying to have sex with me. He'd say he had no recollection of it, the next morning. I believe that this is actually a thing, but....
l was abused for years, psychologically and sexually. He'd ignore me and refuse to speak to me for days, ,have rages, smash the house up, he threatened to kill me (and our dogs), and repeated that to my mother. He said that if he found out l'd been seeing someone else (I hadn't) he'd kill both of us.
I don't think this is going to get better, OP. It didn't for me. PLEASE get some proper help and think very carefully about whether you want to stay with this man. Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is normal?

[millymog11]

OP it is difficult, reading your first post, to know what you want by way of responses.

• Do you want people to side with you, sympathise with you and tell you your OH is very much in the wrong and does not deserve you. This type of post will make you feel righteous and "too good" for your husband, whilst you decide to stay with him nonetheless because you tell yourself you love him
• Do you want people to tell you your relationship with your husband is over (it is, by the way, even if you decide in your head it is not over because you get to decide it is not over. Your relationship is dead now and was toxic before it died)
• Do you want people to tell you you were justified in having an affair in all the circumstances?
• Do you want people to feel sorry for the fact you work full time (and look after the kids) where your husband "only" works part time?

Im just not sure what you want.

[LaviniasBigBloomers]

OP, is one of the reasons you don't want to leave is because you're scared of what will happen when you tell him?

That's maybe worth thinking about. You can't be frightened into a relationship.

[ThePear]

The naval gazing analysis is irrelevant. Divorce him, urgently. Do not make your kids live full time with a violent sex offender. If you actually believe he ‘didn’t know what he was doing’ then how can he be sure he won’t commit offences on your kids? There’s your answer. Only sex offenders commit sex offences, it’s never an accident.

Awful to make your kids live in this toxic sham, so damaging.

[BHRK]

I wound have left him for his behaviour before the affair to be honest. When you have children and work five hours a week, the rest of the time is not to do with as you please!

[LaviniasBigBloomers]

@ThePear

The naval gazing analysis is irrelevant. Divorce him, urgently. Do not make your kids live full time with a violent sex offender. If you actually believe he ‘didn’t know what he was doing’ then how can he be sure he won’t commit offences on your kids? There’s your answer. Only sex offenders commit sex offences, it’s never an accident.

Awful to make your kids live in this toxic sham, so damaging.

Yeah, I'm a fan of therapy but it does feel like you're in analysis paralysis.

Look up the sunk cost fallacy - you're investing so much into the therapy and the 'saving' that it feels foolish to walk away. But no amount of therapy in the world will fix this marriage.

[TokyoSushi]

Good grief, you need to leave him.

Regardless of what happened to lead to it, you know that he's capable of that now. If he's done it once, he'll find it easier to do it a second time.

Leave, seriously.

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

What the fuck. You and DP need to end your relationship now if you have any love for your children.

[Bluetrews25]

'People do crazy things when they find out about affairs'
Do they.
That was absolutely chilling to read after the events at the College this week. (Not wishing to imply that there was an affair in those circumstances)
It's chilling that OP thinks that an affair justifies violence. Next week it might be 'people do crazy things when they are stressed in a new job' or somesuch. Is it going to be ok, then, OP?
There is never an excuse for violence.
Yes, the affair should not have happened, but there is still not a justification for violence.
What's the statistic? It takes something like being assaulted 9 times before women leave. You've basically told him he can do what he likes to you and you will put up with it. Would you tell a daughter to stay put?

Have you told your individual counsellor about the violence/sexual assault ?

[Heronwatcher]

I mean you don’t actually believe all that bullocks about sleep
sexual attacks on you do you? Surely if you did you’d have to leave because if he is that out of it when he’s asleep what’s to stop him doing it again, or doing it to the kids? I think if you’re determined to stay he at least needs to be honest about that, as do you. But all in all it sounds like a complete shit show so you’d be much better separating and learning to co-parent. Surely you’d all be happier?
The thing about him using your finger print to access your journal when you were asleep gave me the absolute fear.

[oakleaffy]

It's an unhealthy relationship.
Affair, violence, threats, sexual assault.

Split.
You are not compatible.

The other man must have been threatened to not see you again.

[Tirednest]

Sounds like a desperately miserable marriage. Not sure why you are still together tbh.

[Led9519]

I wouldn’t be able to get passed the violence either. I would be thinking what might be a trigger next time that myself or the kids would be attacked even if he was ‘asleep.’ I just would never stop thinking about it.

I’d get some legal advice about his lone access to the kids and probably plan to separate. It’s a shame as possibly an affair can be recovered from but uncontrollable psychotic violence or assault isn’t. I just wonder if you might waste another couple of years postponing the inevitable. Could you separate and see where that gets you? At least you’d be physically away from him. Lots of sympathy.

[Alexandernevermind]

The only way you will get through this is if you feel like you can completely trust each other. Not many women would be able to get past what he put you through, and I did worry about your comment about his being half asleep when the assault happens made it not quite black and white.
Does he trust that you won't look elsewhere again, but more importantly do you feel safe? Have you had to adjust your behaviour so as not to get the violent reaction again, do you feel like you can speak to other men without fear?

[affairdilemma]

@RandomMess i think you’re right. I will do this in our couples session this week.

@GoodChat yes it was a work colleague in another city. My second job. I resigned immediately on discovery so we had a bit of back and forth in terms of conversations post discovery. We talked the day before H visited him as I warned him H was in the vicinity (OM also married). He was supportive of me working it through with H but concerned about me. After I found out H had visited I texted him a couple of times to see if he was ok but he never wrote back. I haven’t posted much about the affair as I don’t want to derail and as I say it doesn’t really matter what the affair was as it was wrong. But we sort of just fell for each other immediately - I’ve never experienced anything like it.

@LaviniasBigBloomers i have pondered that. I don’t know if I’m scared. I don’t believe he is a fundamentally violent person. We’ve been together for 20 years and nothing like this. That’s why I’m confused.

@millymog11 i don’t want anything per se. I didn’t post to get confirmation or rejection of anything. I’m confused and my thoughts are a jumble.

[Apairofsparklingeyes]

This relationship doesn’t work. It was over before you started your affair but it has become dangerous now. You need to stop any therapy and contact women’s aid to make a plan for leaving safely.