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Original poster

DH extreme reaction to my affair

537 replies

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:38

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

OP posts:
flabbygoldfish · 08/02/2023 10:50

it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing.

sorry but he knew exactly what he was doing, unless he had done this before kids etc. men are utterly incapable of taking responsibility for their actions if they look bad or have done something wrong. They have an excuse for everything that ‘is not my fault’.

your marriage sounds like it was a lost cause before the affair, his reaction is just an extension and amplification of his behaviour beforehand as well.

just think about what happened to Emma Pattison at Epsom college. That is when it gets completely out of control before they ‘snap back’.

BrightSaturn · 08/02/2023 10:51

You know life doesn’t have to be like this? You can leave him and either learn to love yourself and be happy on your own and with your children or learn to love yourself and meet someone who loves and respects you.

ultimately you cheated on your husband which is awful - you should have left him when he refused to split the childcare equally - and he sexually assaulted you which is disgusting and beyond any sort of couples counselling.

EmptyPlaces · 08/02/2023 10:52

Having an affair doesn’t give him the right to sexually assault you. He’s a cunt, leave.

Randobelia · 08/02/2023 10:53

It is because you have two children you should leave. What on earth are you teaching them? You and them both deserve to live in a calm atmosphere.

Original poster
affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:56

We have always had a calm house (we never argued in front of kids) and he has never ever shown any signs of this sort of violence before or since. It’s like he had a psychotic break for a few days.

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 08/02/2023 10:56

Trying not to be a Stretch Armstrong here, but it was interesting that you said after his week away he came back different.
Is there a chance he himself slept with someone during that week and feels it is fine - tit for tat?

PotKettel · 08/02/2023 10:57

Leave. I m all for trying to fix things, but this relationship has more holes in it than a sieve. Agree to part amicably if possible and reinvent your life without him. Sad for your little kids but they will be better off with two poor but happier parents.

ConfusedNT · 08/02/2023 10:57

Also in terms of he sexually assaulted you because he was asleep, there's some stuff that's worth breaking down here:

The immediate reaction is of course that he's lying, he knew exactly what he was doing and he's just trying to minimise his part in it. This is bad because if he cannot acknowledge and take ownership of what he has done then he could do it again thinking that he 'got away with it' once by claiming he was asleep.

But if you take it at face value then his behaviour is still concerning. Because what he is saying is that at any given night he could just rape you in his sleep and he can't control it. What has he done to protect you from this. Has he moved to a separate bedroom? Has he undergone medical investigation for what has caused this behaviour change that just coincidentally happened when you had an affair?

Ultimately whether he's lying or not (and he's lying) is actually irrelevant. He sexually and physically assaulted you and you need to leave.

But I've seen this 'I was asleep' excuse given to women on here before, and sometimes those women are accepting it as a reasonable excuse.

But the reality is if he was really asleep and he has not done anything to fix the issue then he is actually saying that it's okay for you to go to bed every night not knowing whether he is going to rape you or not. And that pretty chilling behaviour.

lifeturnsonadime · 08/02/2023 10:59

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:56

We have always had a calm house (we never argued in front of kids) and he has never ever shown any signs of this sort of violence before or since. It’s like he had a psychotic break for a few days.

OP in the kindest possible way, this man is violent.

He could kill you next time. You are not safe. You and your children deserve better.

drpet49 · 08/02/2023 10:59

Bard6817 · 08/02/2023 10:43

Sorry but this post reeks of:

If a man cheats - it’s because he’s a b**d, if a woman cheats - there’s a problem in the relationship.

Ultimately - he changed - you cheated - he’s abusive. Time to move on with your life seperately.

MN double standards as always.

lifeturnsonadime · 08/02/2023 11:00

drpet49 · 08/02/2023 10:59

MN double standards as always.

Show quote history

If a woman has an affair do you think she deserves to be violently assaulted?

Blimey.

Original poster
affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 11:01

@BloggersBlog its possible but unlikely - he was staying with his parents in a different city. I think it was more that he did some great work and was on a professional high. (One of our issues has been that he sees his work as so critical to his identity and he hasn’t been working which has made him miserable which he’s been taking out on me.) But you never know.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 08/02/2023 11:01

He's violent, threatening and has been checking your emails. In what universe is any of that ok?

I think you need to get you and the children away from him. He sounds unhinged to me.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 08/02/2023 11:01

At the end of the day, if you can't get past what he did then the relationship is over anyways.

How do you know that it won't happen again? Or worse?

The fact you had the affair should have been a signal to end the marriage. Then the assault on top of that?

Calm (in your opinion) household doesn't mean that the kids don't pick up on the tension or hurt.

GoldDuster · 08/02/2023 11:02

You may have lots of things, but you do not have a calm and happy house. The kids are well aware of what's going on, do not fool yourself.

I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that... lots of fights about petty stuff.

This is not some kind of utopia where he suddenly had a personality implant and flipped his lid and now he's back. You need to be really honest about what's going on here, that is the only healthy way to deal with it and move forward.

I'm on your side, one hundred percent, his behaviour is absolutely hard line acceptable, and breaks the law. You can justify it on here, but please, in the real world, accept it for what it is and do something to get yourself and the kids away from him. He has give you hard proof that you are not safe with him, and it would not be reasonable in any world, for you to stay and try to fix it.

It's over.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 08/02/2023 11:03

Yeah, agree with PP. You had an affair, and he is abusive. Some marriages shouldn’t be saved

GoldDuster · 08/02/2023 11:05

*unacceptable

Pixiedust1234 · 08/02/2023 11:06

The trust has gone. If you believe that he assaulted you whilst asleep that means it could happen again, any night. How do you cope with that fear?

Btw, most courts do NOT accepted the "I was asleep so not guilty" defence without expert tests. Has he had any? Otherwise he is a lying gaslighting abuser who is using fear to control you.

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 11:08

MintJulia · 08/02/2023 11:01

He's violent, threatening and has been checking your emails. In what universe is any of that ok?

I think you need to get you and the children away from him. He sounds unhinged to me.

But when a woman suspects a man of cheating everyone encourages her to check his emails, bank statement, phone and underwear...

The relationship is toxic. It needs to end.

StarsSand · 08/02/2023 11:09

Leave him.

He sounds horrible.

Why are you still together?

Time40 · 08/02/2023 11:11

He's violent and dangerous. He could kill you, OP. You need to leave.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 08/02/2023 11:12

So you resented his behaviour enough to have an emotional affair. His reaction was so violent that you are now afraid of him. (And so is the OM by the sound of it).
No matter how much he seems to have changed, you are still afraid of him. Why are you still with a man you are afraid of?

Original poster
affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 11:14

I don’t really mind him checking my emails (and there wasn’t anything in there anyway as I didn’t have contact w OM between meetings). I was upset that he read my therapy journal - he hacked into it - waited til I was asleep and used my fingerprint to get into it (digital diary). But as a PP says this is “allowed” in the context of looking for an affair. This is my issue - a lot of behaviour that would be otherwise impermissible is ok in the context of cheating. DH points to books on affairs which talk about all sorts of crazy behaviour to explain his level of hurt.

but I can’t get past it. I don’t think it’s acceptable that even when I do something horrible and wrong you respond with physical threats and violence. But then we have done some really good work on rebuilding our marriage annd he has fully forgiven me for my cheating. Ugh.

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 08/02/2023 11:15

So you cheated and your husband had a breakdown and behave totally out of character for a short time.

It was unacceptable of you and of him.

If you choose to try to make a go of it for all the right reasons then you have to forgive him and he has to forgive you.

He doesn't sound an abusive man just lazy and self absorbed and selfish. If he overcomes these problems and you still have feelings for him you should try. However once an affair kicks in it's because you've mentally checked out and once that happens I don't believe it's possible to check back in.

Vegansausagevole · 08/02/2023 11:15

You should have separated before you had the affair, or worked on your marriage at that stage. It’s too late now the marriage is over there is no coming back from that level of violence, once that line is crossed it’s only a matter of time before it happens again. If you’ve been the main breadwinner you’re not stuck, act now.