DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

What a load of fucking crap !! You contradicted yourself in the first sentence - infidelity causes as much trauma as sexual assault, but you’re not saying it’s as bad ???? Then what are you saying ? You think the OP - who, has been treated appallingly for years by a husband who admitted that his behaviour was a contributing factor to the affair - meeting a man a couple of times and kissing over the course of 12 months or so, has caused her DH as much trauma as him terrorising her in the middle of the night, restraining, sexually assaulting her and setting her clothes on fire ?? Affairs are something to be concerned about and the majority of posters are not condoning what the OP did - but unlike you, they can entirely understand why his behaviour drove her to find comfort and kindness with someone else. She has had to take responsibility for her behaviour, why shouldn’t he ?

OP, you ve only one life. Is this how you want to live it?

Theres happiness out there for you. There’s a lovely home (sans abusive fucker). There’s joy and safety. You DO NOT NEED this man. Shed him. Like the dead skin he is! Slough him off and move on with your one life.

Ignore the men on this thread (I’d bet my life they are men) telling you their hurt feelz about emotional affairs are just as bad as the coercive control and abuse you ve experienced. It’s not!

Your ‘affair’ was likely a cry for help. A need to feel alive after the deadness that you’ve experienced carrying this useless fucker around for so long. But actually you don’t need the affair. You don’t need your husband. You DONT need these men to feel happy. That’s what terrifies the men on these threads so much. They are redundant. Only necessary if they ADD to a relationship. Unnecessary if they are deadweight or abusive.

Get rid of him. Live your happy one life. The only one you get. And I understand you don’t want to call it rape!!! But that’s what it was/is. He raped you, my love! You hurt his man feelz, so he raped you. That tells you ALL you need to know.

Having been through both, my PTSD is from the violet and sexual assaults, threatening behaviour, humiliation, coercive control, manipulation, financial control and isolation. Yes being cheated on was awful but no where near the same league. Not once did I think I would die from being cheated on, there were many occasions I feared for my life through abuse.

The equation of affair to sexual assault is ridiculous. The poster who made the claim is ridiculous. A ridiculous hu(MAN) being.

You're a dangerous person and nobody should be listening to you.

@Battyfumworts I'm really sorry you've been through all that

@Battyfumworts I am so sorry too.

Don't pay an ounce of attention to the pure idiocy of some posts.

the equation of 3 kisses equaling physical and sexual assault by husband is fair and proportionate in Afganistan under Taliban but we're in the UK...

OP, you've had a lot of people telling you this on here already, but please, please leave this dangerous man. I get that you are struggling to call the assault rape - I was raped and it took me YEARS to actually be able to call it that, even in my head. Because rape is something you associate with a stranger violently grabbing someone off the street and attacking them. Not someone you know. Not a loving partner. Not the person you agreed to spend the rest of your life with. Not the person who you had children with. Not the person you are supposed to be able to trust more than anyone else. I remember feeling guilty and shameful to even consider it as being anything like the stranger situation. And I wasn't even in a relationship with my rapist! If it had been my husband, the father of my children? I really don't know if I'd have ever been able to call it what it was.

Please know this - it absolutely IS rape. It is just as bad as if a stranger had grabbed you whilst out walking. (Some may even say it's worse because of the breaking of the trust, but let's not go getting into a one-upmanship of which crime is worse!) You are justified in feeling hurt, frightened, betrayed, angry... etc. To help you be able to move on, you need to accept what he did to you was horrific, it was a crime and you did not deserve it. Please tell yourself this. Over and over if you have to. You deserve better.

You will never feel safe with this man again. Even if he never does anything like this again, he has that power over you now, knowing you're terrified of him. Knowing he can hurt you if he wants, and you'll end up comforting him and blaming yourself.

I'm not saying leaving will be easy, because it won't. When you've been worn down for so many years by emotionally abusive behaviour, it's easier said than done to leave. But now it's escalated to violence, that violence is more likely to happen again.

Please get in touch with a domestic abuse charity and ask them for help in how to leave safely.

You deserve better.
You did not deserve to be raped.

Well, affairs do cause PTSD. And, from what op has posted, after the first time she kissed om, she put herself and them as a couple into therapy. But, it continued after that? So, DH had been going to therapy, ostensibly to save the marriage, whilst she had been continuing the affair. That could be construed as gaslighting and, if a woman posted that her DH had done that, the LTB would be universal. However, it sounds very much like your reasons for looking outside the marriage were very understandable. He was behaving like a selfish dickhead and you were lonely and taken for granted. Doesn’t make it right, but it is understandable.
I can also understand his screaming and shouting, even at a push the burning of your clothes - it’s weird but people do weird things when they are in shock. But, the threats of violence and the sexual assault? No, never, absolutely not ok, no matter what you might have done. That is unforgivable and I cannot believe that a therapist wouldn’t agree. To make you afraid and violate you in such a disgusting way, in your own home? No. There is never any justification for that. He is using your behaviour to justify his own, but there is no comparison. This isn’t salvageable op and you need to make yourself safe, away from him.

This comment needs to be reposted.

He's just a shit human that you shouldn't be with.

OP this is actually chilling. I think you've normalised it to a certain extent to avoid the reality of how awful it is. There's a very good reason why you can't get over it.

No, it couldn't be construed as gaslighting. Going to therapy while having an affair isn't fucking gaslighting, especially when you're terrified of your partner. And burning clothes isn't ok either!

Do people see what I mean about Mumsnet and affairs? Of course they're never right, and they can be ruinous and devastating. But sometimes they're like this, and the other partner is a violent rapist who sets things on fire, and there's still going to be a barmy army falling over itself to say crap like this. And this isn't even the worst we've had on this thread. I've also seen a thread where the wife broke the OW poster's hand (both marriages long dead in the water, slept together a couple of times before they came clean and ended the marriages, now married to each other) and people were saying that was fine and the law should be changed to decriminalise ABH if the victim had cheated.

It's arse about face in the most fucked up way. Now we have a woman married to an abuser, who sexually assaulted her and sets her things on fire, and she's being told at every turn that she's either as bad as he is or at least deserves some opprobrium because she kissed someone while married to this sack of shit.

For a place that can't stop going on about "morals", there are some wonky compasses out there. Please don't listen to these people, OP.

I would leave him if you don’t love him, and clearly you don’t because you had an affair.

He should never have hurt you physically.

If you are able to get through this together, it will be hard for you both to rebuild trust.

@keeprunning55

If you are able to get through this together, it will be hard for you both to rebuild trust.

In what universe does it make any kind of sense to advocate 'rebuilding trust' after violent sexual assault involving restraint.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is zero. Zero abuse.

Please, OP, I hope you are gathering your strength and resources to leave with your children. Don't leave yourself at risk.

Dear God. He's a violent sexual abuser who sets people's possessions on fire.

This is just fucked up.

There are some posters on here, most likely male, who are trying to be deliberately provocative and get a rise out of us. Best to ignore.

Most right minded people KNOW that there is never any excuse to violently sexually assault your wife while pretending to be asleep.

Having an affair is morally wrong but not a crime.
Sexual assault is.
Burning your clothes is more than anger. It means his hate for you is so deep that he wants to erase everything linked to you.
He cannot erase you so he will erase things that are connected to you.
He is dangerous. He will never ever forgive you and will hurt you to seek revenge. That could mean your children.

I think the issue here is that you feel so guilty for having the affair it's paralysing you. That guilt is coming from not accepting that things are not black and white. Your affair is not the act of a disloyal person having a bit of fun. Your affair, as many have said, was you looking for a way out and looking for solace. Not all affairs are the same. You need to remember and focus on the reasons you had the affair as well as the totally unacceptable behaviour he exhibited after he found out.

Can he change, maybe. But do you want to be around when he reverts to his old ways and/or turns nasty when he sees you chatting to a man. I understand your desire to give him a chance but it's highly risky. You will never trust him. I suspect he will never trust you either.

Having an affair is morally wrong

When you're married to a violent, clothes burning sex offender, it's a neutral act at worst. She owes nothing to this piece of shit. How many marriage vows, and laws, has he broken?

It's not normal. My partner and I have got over infidelities. Yes there was hurt and upset and devastation. We didn't burn anything or damage each others property or make threats.
Be honest in the couple therapy with how you feel and how his past behaviour is a sticking point. I hope this can help. I wish you well.

You don't owe him so you are not obliged to keep trying to make it work. Leaving has to be on the table as an option.

Be honest in the couple therapy with how you feel

DON'T GO TO COUPLES THERAPY WITH YOUR ABUSER

This. OP, this poster has hit the nail absolutely on the head - not for a moment trying to excuse infidelity, emotional or otherwise, but I think you need to stop focusing on the guilt you feel and explore the reasons you strayed. You say you and the OM fell for each other, and I can’t find anything in your posts to say who initiated things, but you have to ask yourself a question. If you had been happily married up to the point you met the OM, would you have initiated/reciprocated the affair ? Your DH has accepted that his behaviour was a factor in the affair, and I think the fact that you didn't have sex with the OM, despite the obvious intense attraction, speaks volumes. It wasn’t a roll in the hay, it was a need for the comfort, warmth and kindness you weren’t getting at home.

It’s obvious that things had been difficult for a long time before the affair, and from what you’ve DH was already showing some controlling and difficult behaviour. What you have to decide, is whether you are prepared to risk staying with him now that you know that he has the capacity for the violence he’s shown. He felt as though he had justification for attacking you the way he did, and you have no idea what will trigger it in the future. As this poster says it could be something as simple as you chatting to someone, or something entirely innocent on your phone/computer that he misconstrues - any number of things.

You said in your original post BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

You shouldn’t accept it, and in any circumstance it’s a deal breaker. Once you realise that, your decision about your future will be easier.

when I said having an affair is morally wrong, I mean that is the view of society. But the OP does not deserve what happened to her. Someone setting fire to her clothes shows how desperate her situation is.
I hope she gets proper counseling , a counselor who can give her the strength and support to leave and start afresh. She cannot live as a prisoner in fear of him.