DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

You are both at fault and just need to end the relationship as it has become toxic

Actually ignore what I said. No matter what the trigger was a sexual assault is never something you can put behind you.

I think you should just call it a day. He is an absolutely horrible person, he's selfish in every day. I don't condone the affair but I couldn't move on from the fact he sexually assaulted you and I don't think you are safe. You'd be better off divorcing him, working on yourself and starting again with someone who would treat you as equal in a relationship

The fact that you've got two children is precisely why you need to end this miserable, toxic, abusive relationship with a violent sex offender.

This is the perfect example of when an affair is not the worst thing and you're not a monster for doing it.

Sounds completely toxic either way and best for all that you just end this marriage.

You were wrong to have an affair. You should have just left him at that stage.

However, that does NOT justify him assaulting you. NOTHING EVER justifies sexual assault.

You are letting your feelings of guilt at having the affair excuse an inexcusable act against you.

You feel like you have to put up with this because you have kids. Fast forward to the future. If one of your children were in the same position - trying to rebuild a broken relationship in which their partner had assaulted them, you'd be horrified, wouldn't you?

Hold yourself to the same levels of kindness and compassion.

You keep trying to put a plaster on a gushing wound of blood. At some point, you're going to learn that the plaster is woefully inadequate.

You were sexually assaulted by this piece of shit that has treated you badly for years.

Of course you cannot get over it.

He's an absolute liar.

He knew well what he did.

You will NEVER live in full peace nor trust him again.

Why would you?

Stop trying to bend yourself out of shape to accept his violating you.

Stop it.

Focus on separation and if he gets nasty again, involve the police and have him charged with sexually assaulting you.

Do not try and fix this awful man.

You have a better future ahead of you away from him.

He has shown you for years who he really is.

This is who he is.

A nasty lazy selfish man who thinks sexually assaulting his wife is justified because of his anger.

You are not a person, just a possession to him, hence his disgusting behaviour.

Do not be bullied.

Call Womens aid and get support.

Tell family and friends the truth and let them support you.

An affair such as this was, is NO excuse whatsoever to sexually assault someone.

He is utter scum and that is why you are not getting over it.

And nor should you.

Hacking into your therapy journal is very creepy and controlling.

And he didn’t just threaten to injure / kill you and sexually assault you supposedly in the middle of the night when he didn’t now what he was doing.

He waited until you were away on a course , drove to your AP house and threatened him as well. I assume he wasn’t half asleep then ?

Thats three criminal offences . At least the third one was carefully planned.

He is violent and controlling, I know you think you are staying for your kids sake but you need to leave for your kids sake.

He will make a lot of noise and fuss about wanting the kids 50:50. But in reality he will have a new partner in a few months ( men like him need the ego boost ) and that will fall by the wayside.

Sorry.

Hi OP.

The main thing for me is, do you trust him? As in, do you feel you and DC are safe around him? What would concern me given what he’s done prior to you attempting to reconcile with him is the risk of family annihilation. Not being intentionally dramatic but he has shown you that when something happens that doesn’t please him he resorts to serious violence. The manipulation and minimising don’t bode well for there being no future violence. Also it went on over five nights, it wasn’t a slap or a shove or whatever in the initial shock, and then genuine contrition and remorse. He has clearly forgiven himself for his ill-actions but that’s not the point. Burning your clothes has a possessive nastiness to it, and creatively sadistic element too. Just because someone is hurt doesn’t give them carte blanche to act as they like. I think you’re trying hard because you were at fault because of the affair, but you didn’t assault him or make him afraid for his personal safety, did you?

It would be very hard for me to look at him and not wonder what he’d do if something else adverse happens between you. Say you’re not having an affair but he gets suspicious, for example? Are you 100% certain you’re safe?

You are taking all change as a positive and it might well be. Honestly, though, I also wonder if he has gone back into work FT because he’s aware your marriage may not last. We women are all told to get our ducks in a row; I wonder what he’s really thinking.

I’d approach my future dealings with a man like this with major caution, it doesn’t feel like a safe place to be in, and especially not with two tots.

but I can’t get past it.
You can't get past it. So you separate. You were unhappy before the affair. You're unhappy now, in a different way. He was a shit before the affair, he was shit after in a different way.
My exh had an affair, it was horrible, we broke up, we all readjusted, time passed and it's behind us now. These things happen.

I (of course wrongly)slept with someone else in the first few months of my relationship with dh we “repaired&moved past it” . He has punished me for 6 years . Checked my phone every night not aloud me to go anywhere ,belittled and gaslighting me. and I put up with it as in my mind I knew I was the one in the wrong. Every time I wanted to do anything It was referred to , every time he did something wrong or I called him out on something - you guessed it I was to blame for that . It was ok for him to message women as he hadn’t slept with anyone else etc..You may get past this but it will be always under the surface. I finally called it a day last week and that side has resurfaced once more, I’ve got someone else lined up etc, he’s told everyone we’ve spilt because I cheated. Don’t become me for the sake of your children.

I (of course wrongly)slept with someone else in the first few months of my relationship with dh we “repaired&moved past it” . He has punished me for 6 years . Checked my phone every night not aloud me to go anywhere ,belittled and gaslighting me. and I put up with it as in my mind I knew I was the one in the wrong. Every time I wanted to do anything It was referred to , every time he did something wrong or I called him out on something - you guessed it I was to blame for that . It was ok for him to message women as he hadn’t slept with anyone else etc..You may get past this but it will be always under the surface. I finally called it a day last week and that side has resurfaced once more, I’ve got someone else lined up etc, he’s told everyone we’ve spilt because I cheated. Don’t become me for the sake of your children.

Leave him.

I don't think I could come back from what you've described OP. However it looks like you want to move on from it and stay with this man. Is there love there?

If you want to stay with him, maybe set up a fund to escape if needed and draw a line that if this sort of thing ever happens again, it's game over. You'll also have to accept that he may take an opportunity to 'even the score' in the future and cheat on you back. There are a couple of green lights there now that wouldn't be there usually.

Either way you need to put it to bed whether you stay with him or not, or it'll eat away at you.

How long have you been together? If it's more than 10 years and he's never behaved like this apart from when you had an affair then personally I would see it as a result of being completely and utterly betrayed. Was his behaviour ok? No was it abusive? Yes - but IMO so it having an affair and the emotional impact that has. You've both been disrespectful abusive pricks - you both need to be working very hard to turn this around by yourselves and as a couple.

You need time to believe that it was a one off and won't happen again and to learn to trust him again. It'd takes 2 or 3 years to get over an affair so I'd guess it could take you that long too. It sounds like there has never been any kind of team work in this relationship, poor communication, poor listening skills - there's a lot to work on here, not least how you deal with any issues that arise.

You don’t respect him.
Neither of you fully trust the other, for different reasons (but both with good cause).
You cheated on him.
He physically and sexually assaulted you.

This is a toxic train wreck of a relationship in which to bring up children. Separate, for both your sakes, and put your energies into co-parenting as amicably as possible but apart.

You've said that you don't know if you're frightened of him and you don’t believe he is a fundamentally violent person.

You would have to be heavily sedated in order not to be frightened of a man who has done what he did. If a house mate that did this, would it be appropriate? How about a work colleague on an overnight trip? Him being your husband does not make it more acceptable, it makes it worse, that this happened in your own home, the one place that you should feel safe.

You can make excuses for him all day long but fundamentally this is not a safe or healthy environment for you or your children.

@Choconut weve been together for 20 years. And yes there are big issues we need to work on in the marriage pre cheating / this behaviour. Who knows if we’ll make it.

@Rinkydinkydoodle @gamerchick i don’t think finances really come into it much. We are both (very) financially independent in our own rights - he has been able to not work and fund his half of our expenses because of it, I could leave tomorrow and take zero out of our marriage financially and be absolutely fine.

You need to divorce him asap. He's been incredibly lazy and checked out of family life, and now he's been violent and sexually assaulted you.
nobody has the right to do that.
Stop trying to mend something that's broken and leave now, this is no atmosphere to bring children up in.

'I know. But of course more complex - it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing. And then mid way through he sort of snapped and started crying and I had to put him back to bed. Not black and white'

You sound like one of those defence lawyers claiming their client killed their wife during 'rough sex' or sleepwalking or some such shit.

LTB.

You now know that when emotionally provoked he is a violent man. Do not stay. Do not expose your children to this danger. Just look at the news this week. Please leave. Your affair was wrong but violence - whatever prompted it - is the biggest possible red flag.

You need to leave, and I agree with pp who suggested contacting Women’s Aid for support and help in leaving safely. He may well become violent again when you leave - you now know what he is capable of.

Leave.

My ex husband cheated on me - would it be ok for me to assault him...no it wouldn't.

but I can’t get past it

Good.

You should not be able to 'get past' sexual assault. Or any level of violence.

The only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is zero.

While he continues to blame you, the circumstance etc and accept none of the responsibility himself, there is no chance of any lasting improvement.

I would encourage you to get away, seriously, while you still can.

He might have changed. It might be the circumstances. Nevertheless, the only level of abuse in a relationship is none. Hope you get away with your children.

OP
as another poster said, your initial post reeked of unhappiness and your further posts do not mention love of any kind.
Your husband was happy to let you work full time and have all that time off - yet have the nerve to complain when you wanted to get your hair cut ! He only got motivated when he realised his lazy lifestyle could be coming to an end and then he got violent.
You are no good for one another and need to separate for the sake of your children