DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

OP: i don’t want anything per se. I didn’t post to get confirmation or rejection of anything. I’m confused and my thoughts are a jumble.

You've got an entire vast chorus of women on here, all telling you essentially the same thing: your marriage is not viable, your partner is dangerous, you and your children are not safe, you have to leave.

If you find that you're "unable to get past" his behaviour, it's probably because at some unconscious level your mind is not letting you get past it - because that would leave you in an unsafe place.

For some reason, that message is not getting through to your conscious mind - why? Is it too frightening to imagine the possibility of going it alone? That's understandable, but you have to be brave and ask yourself some hard questions.

OP You did not have an affair. You say in first post ''we only met 3 times and kissed'' - which was ''very emotional'' that is not really an ''affair'' - you just wanted attention and affection so no punishment from H is in order.

My take on it is that his mindset says that his feelings are more important than yours.

So previously, he worked very few hours, with fully paid for childcare. Yet still expected you to do the majority of the childcare/work. He has a very entitled attitude.

Then when he discovered your affair, he was also entitled to behave anyway he wanted. From your description of his behaviour at that time it does sound extreme, especially the sexual assault. It may be he doesn’t always tell the truth because that would mean admitting he is unreasonable.

You have both been at fault, but his faults sound more entrenched and enduring.

The reason you can’t get past his behaviour immediately after his discovery of your affair is because it was violent and abusive.

The reason you think you should get over this is because he has conditioned you into believing his wants and feelings come first. This is emotional abuse.

Whatever you do in the future, believe in your own feelings. You have a right to them and they are normal after his treatment.

At the very, very minimum he should be owning this behaviour and accepting it was wrong and was domestic abuse.

Like others, I think you should leave, but you have young children and it can only ever be your decision. If you work full time, have wraparound childcare, and he didn’t help anyway it sounds like you were halfway to being a single mother already.

im sorry this is not answering your question of how to get over his behaviour in those five days. To an outsider that just shows us he doesn’t feel the need to put any checks on his behaviour.

You say he has seen the error of his ways. And perhaps he has when he is calm and rational and nothing upsets him. But if he loses his temper or gets very upset, will the rational side of his brain stay in control of his actions?

H physically and sexually assaulted you. You suspect he threatened and possibly assaulted the OM. You have two young children. How is he going to treat them when they push his buttons? The minimising of his violence is extremely worrying.

I don't understand why you didn't separate immediately. How can you stay in the same house, get in the same bed as a man who sexually assaulted you in the middle of the night? Of course you can't let it go! Listen to your own gut instincts.

Having an emotional affair and kissing another man does mean that you deserve this, that you have to accept this as some sort of 'fair punishment', that H's actions are in any way acceptable. They're not. He is a jealous, controlling and violent man, and you need to prioritise your and your children's safety.

Jesus....there is nothing left to salvage. Get the fuck away from him today. This actually made me feel a bit sick...you should have nothing more to do with this total waste of breath.

Get out. Get your kids out. This is unhealthy and they deserve a better environment.

I didn’t see this update about the surveillance.

With regret, OP, if he’s checking up on you, he has not forgiven you. When you forgive someone you let the past be the past and accept their word that there won’t be a repeat. Forgiveness is such hard work precisely because you need to have faith in someone who has already proved that they will lie to you, and to build trust again you need to control these impulses. Whoever told you that him checking up on you is permissible? Can you not see that just because you’re not having an affair at the moment, letting him look into every aspect of your life at will, to decide whether there’s anything for him to be aggrieved about or not is risky? What if you get an unsolicited dick pic, for example? Or am email from OM/ old boyfriend out of the blue?

Compared with threats, arson, sexual assault and denial, using your thumbprint while you’re asleep to read your innermost thoughts might not seem the worst thing he’s done, but it is a serious betrayal of trust. It shows an unacceptable level entitlement and is another threat to your personal integrity.

There’s a huge difference between feeling safe - there are lots of things we can do to make ourselves feel safe, but which ultimately change nothing - and being safe.

The only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is none.

Counselling is counter indicated in the presence of abuse.

Stop the couples counselling.

Get away from him with your children while you still can.

All the best.

You’re relationship sounds like a resentment filled car crash and I think you should end it.

You cheating on the marriage was not great. But him sexually assaulting you is way out of line.

Why are you together ?

I watched a movie and there was a good line. "Everyone is a potential murderer. All they need is timing and a good reason."

Next time, he could seriously seriously hurt you.

It wouldn't matter if she'd fucked his football team after every win. Punishment would not be 'in order"

Who knows if we’ll make it.

**This is not some great romance against the odds. I sincerely hope for the sake of you and your children that you wake up out of the delusion you're in in order to take advantage of your financial independence and get away from your abusive situation.

OP, if a very good friend told you all of this what would your advice be to her? When you can’t see what is the best thing to do, always, always think about the advice you could give someone you care for.

once you do this, you will see there is really one course of action.

As finances won’t be an issue, I really think you need to get the ball rolling in leaving this man. I would also get some RL support, as who knows how he will react when you do leave him.

BTW fully log out of MN so he cannot read your posts and see you have written them.

Do you thrive on drama? Otherwise I can't for the life of me see why you are prolonging this awful marriage

There's no way you're going to be able to sweep all this under the carpet. Try as you both might.

The affair was wrong, but he has sexually assaulted you and been violent - do you want your children growing up with this?
He also does nothing for/with your children. Why would you want to stay with him when he contributes nothing to family life?

This is not a safe space for your children to grow up in. As their parent you need to keep them safe. You need to split and both of you need to work individually on your issues so that you can co parent successfully and safely. There is no joint happy ending here.

I wonder if part of the reason you can't get over it is that he's taking absolutely zero responsibility for literally criminal behaviour. It's all your fault, because he 'went crazy' because of the affair.

You fucked up, really badly and incredibly hurtfully. You've owned that now. He fucked up, too, but he's not owning it.

How can you trust that it will never happen again if he's not taking responsibility for it happening the first time? He's presenting it as something outside of his control and therefore somehow acceptable - and if it's acceptable, it could happen any time he decides you've been 'bad'.

This behaviour is not 'allowed' because he suspected an affair. If you thought he was cheating, would you really think it was ok to use his fingerprint ID whilst he was asleep? I wouldn't, whatever I thought he was doing.

I’m a bit shocked that a therapist hasn’t encouraged you to leave him after hearing that he sexually assaulted you and threatened violence. Surely they are obliged to report this crime to the police as a professional person concerned for their client’s safety?

Your H is dangerous.
Your instincts are doing a great job by not allowing you to get past this.
All the counselling in the world will not restore the trust that he has broken.
Time to leave and be free from that underlying fear.

In my view you were both abusive to each other and this relationship needs to end. You were emotionally abusing him for a year by carrying out an affair, he knew something was going on and for a year he was going through shit. He was then abusive to you. Neither excuses the other.

Whether you are both shitty people or just a shitty combination who knows but dragging out a marriage between two people who clearly have no respect for each other is only ever going to end in disaster.

I agree with others that the therapy isn't going to save this - this relationship is too far gone. You need to separate and I guarantee you will feel so much better, then focus on therapy for you, unpacking what he has done to you and you to him.

You need to call it a day your DH abused you which is never right.

You committed adultry which also is never right.

Absolutely black and white.

He sexually assaulted you and pretended that he’d been asleep.

Assaulting and gaslighting. Why the hell are you still with him? And what on earth are you teaching your children?

Once there's been violence (and sexual violence at that) in a relationship, it's FUBAR.

You don't owe him another shot at the marriage.

How can you ever feel safe again, that line having been crossed?

And once it's been crossed, it's far easier for him to do it again.

Cheating isn't an excuse for violence. This is how we get to "crimes of passion" bollocks and honour killing. Fuck that.