DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

I agree with this. Whatever else happened, you really can't trust him not to physically or sexually assault you again.

Well you won't be having an affair any time soon, will you?

Honestly, I don't condone the cheating but he's got you right where he wants you now, hasn't he? 5 hours work a week, you're petrified to put a foot out of line, his life continues as normal. Just be really clear on what his other red lines are, you don't want to get sexually assaulted again, do you?

(Sorry, sarcasm not really in the spirit, but OMG you have to leave him!)

Leave. For so many reasons. The first being you work full time and he works 5 hours a week and you still do more? If it helps I bring in 3x what my husband doesn’t financially but we still split everything with the house etc else equally, not depending on income!
You had an affair as you were unhappy. I promise your kids will pick up on it eventually and you’ll teach them how to live in a relationship this way. Leave. You’ll actually sounds like you’ll be better off time wise.

He starts a full time job in two weeks - one of the things that happened post affair was that he finally realised how unacceptable our set up was and threw himself into job hunting. So he is taking real actions.

@purpledalmation your assessment of it is kind of where I am. I do think it’s possible for me to check back in given the radical change in his attitude and behaviour, and this is happening slowly as we go through therapy and repair. But this crazy behaviour is bugging me - I can’t lay it to rest.

You cheated and he assaulted you. You're both grim but on completely different levels. Leave him.

Are you having therapy OP? Or just your OH? Are you having couples therapy?

It depends what you are referring to here.

If you mean that the OP is excusing her affair in a way that wouldn't be accepted if a man was posting this then yes. But that's not MN double standards because men also try and excuse their affairs that's just human behaviour.

If you mean MN double standards because posters aren't picking her reasons apart like they would with a male poster then you are right. But that's because a male poster probably wouldn't have been physically and and sexually assaulted

When a poster is in an abusive relationship its far more important to encourage them to leave than berate them for their behaviour. That's not MN double standards, that's knowing that 2 women a week are killed by men in situations like this, and men aren't, so women need different advice.

There is probably something to dig down into into why men and women have different reasons for having an affair and whether there is a double standard there or whether this is actually more around societal and domestic expectations but that's for a different thread rather than derailing this one

MN double standards as always.

If a woman posted here to say she had threated to smash her husband's head into a wall and sexually assaulted him in response to an affair then posters would all say she was abusive and her husband should leave immediately.

Nobody here has said the OP was right to have an affair. The overwhelming consensus is that threatening violence and actually committing sexual assault should be deal breakers, regardless of any affair.

Having the affair is inexcusable. However, it does not justify his reaction including violence, threats of violence and sexual assault. Rather than seeing your children as that clichéd old excuse for not finding the courage to end a toxic relationship, how about seeing their safety as the perfect reason for ending it. All those men you read about who one day murder their wife and family, what makes you think your husband is any different from them? He sounds exactly the type to me.

None of this matters really apart from the assault bit because he has shown what he is capable of (he knew what he was doing) and he will do it again. Because now he knows that you will excuse it (and buy his BS excuses). Many of us have been there and understand how compelling it is to blame violence and abuse on a freak episode.. the first time. Then it happens again. It always does.

a lot of behaviour that would be otherwise impermissible is ok in the context of cheating

Who's told you this? So you feel you deserved the punishment he meted out, in his sleep? Did it even the score?

This is absolute nonsense, you do not get to rape your wife in the night and violently attack her and threaten to smash her face in the wall so that you can move on with your marriage.

He has got you, and has had you for some time, over an absolute barrel and you are believing that narrative he is pushing for his own benefit. It sounds like he has been grinding you down for years, and you're brainwashed.

Can you approach a professional in the field of domestic violence for help with this? You do not get a free pass to rape and assault your wife, no matter how many affairs she has had. This is not the truth.

It's really clear from your posts that the reason you can't get past this is because your marriage is over, OP. I'm sorry.

He should not allow anyone to cheat on him and you should not allow anyone to sexually abuse you/threaten violence to you.
You both need to find some self respect and then find someone who also respects you and understands boundaries in a relationship.

This relationship isn't bringing the best out in either of you nor is it enriching either of your lives.

To me, sexual or physical violence or threats of violence is never ok, and you cannot come back from that ever.

Its illegal. If that line is crossed you always need to split up.

But I am very black and white.

But this crazy behaviour is bugging me - I can’t lay it to rest.

Listen to that. It's nagging at you for a reason.

Sorry, but why on Earth are you trying to rebuild that marriage???? Fuck that for a game of soldiers! You had an affair bd abuse you are in an unhappy relationship with a selfish, neglectful and abusive man. Wake up and make a run! Take your children with you.

I am surprised you have stayed with him even before the affair. He sounds selfish snd lazy.

Doesn't sound like you love him so start making plans to leave see a solicitor BUT be very careful as you leaving might trigger him.

He won't change go!

I don’t believe for one second that he didn’t know what he was doing. I think he is lying about that so that he doesn’t have to accept the consequences and live with the guilt.

To be clear, I’m not trying to justify or excuse my affair. It was unacceptable and wrong and I should have left before it happened as I was very unhappy but lacked the courage to do so. I knew it was wrong while I was in it and actually had a go at ending it the 3rd time I met om and I’m certain would have ended it of my own accord had I not been discovered (not that that makes it better, but more to say that I don’t or didn’t ever have any belief that it was ok).

to the PP who asked, we are both in individual therapy and in couples therapy (3 different therapists)

I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me

Can you accept that even in the circumstances of an affair, this very circumstance, that his aggressive, violent and frightning behaviour is a deal breaker?

Your affair does not give him the justification to do what he did to you.

Why did you have an affair in the first place? It wasn't a happy relationship then and he sounds bloody useless. No wonder you wanted an escape.
It sounds like you think you deserve it because you made a mistake. He's a twat, keep moving forward...you will meet far better.
He's only going to bring you down and trust me he will throw the affair in your face when ever he pisses you off and you try and have it out with him. Don't do it.

the reason you can’t get past his behaviour is you know it could happen again and he has not taken responsibility for it. He has just excused it as a reaction to something you did, sort of making it your fault.

Every so often a thread comes up on here where the best advice for the op is to read your original post as if a friend was telling you this about her. Take yourself out of it - look at the facts. If you were my friend I'd be saying to you it's over, it's desperately unhealthy all round. sort yourselves out and separate.

Abuse is not a relationship problem. The couples counselling is not helping you. Get yourself as much distance as you can from this situation in order to be able to see more clearly what's going on.

I don't think you'd be here asking if everything was fine with the marriage.

There were issues before the affair and before he assaulted you.

Remind yourself of these things.

Seems he has been a workshy cocklodger.
You worked full time and handled everything else including the childcare and household duties for everyone until utter exhaustion.

And what was he doing all this time?