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Original poster

Not another naive one

214 replies

Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 20:50

Hello! I am looking for an objective opinion as I can't ask in real life. Sorry, it is going to be a long one.

I am 37 and my ,partner' is 7 years older. I met him when I was 23 and I have made a tactical mistake of moving with him into is property when I was 25. Year later our child was born who is now 11. At the time he was still paying his mortgage, but he has been mortgage free for the last 5 years. It is a big detached 5 bedroom house.

Having a child was his idea, as he was desperate for a child. He talked me into it years ago but obviously I love my child and I don't regret this at all :) On the outside I have a great life- ,nice family', nice holidays, live in a big house, drive a nice car, ok job in finance (I work 30 hours a week WFH).

I have naively assumed years ago when I was younger that getting married was a natural part of us being together (how silly, I know !) and he has proposed to me when I was expecting but I think it was more to do with the fact that he was actively trying to persuade me to have another child soon after. He kept on saying let's have a second child first and then we will see about getting married. He kept on saying he is not getting married without having a 2nd child first , but I have luckily put my foot down and I said no. I said marriage first and then maybe we will see one day about the second child. And here we are years later. I wouldn't want a second child now anyway as I feel complete :)

I can't help but feel very resentful which has killed my love for this guy I think.

  1. Firstly, he kept on saying to our child that it is my fault he hasn't got siblings. It is not true. I kept on saying marriage first and then we will see. i am disgusted when he blames me for it.
  2. He has assets and a big house and he wouldn't ever put me on house deeds. I haven't contributed towards his mortgage so I totally understand it, but he wouldn't even entertain the idea of will or prenup in the past.
  3. I was the one / I am still the one doing all the boring every day drudgery jobs - school runs, all the cleaning, all the cooking. i just think he needed someone to pick up where mummy left off.
  4. For the first 5 years of our child's life I have only worked 1 day a week as he didn't want to pay for the nursery as it was expensive and he didn't want his child to be with strangers (His mum looked after our child). So while he was building his business I had not much money. He would kindly borrow me when I was running short but I needed to pay it back each time. Even though I was the one staying at home with the child.
  5. When our child started primary school I upped my hours as I have started to realise that it was very unhealthy and I needed to start taking care of my financial future as he was leaving me very vulnerable with no money. He wasn't over the moon that I upped my hours but he got over it.

I have not got £40k in savings and I think resentment killed me love for him and I am planning on leaving within next few years. We argue a lot as I feel so resentful. He called me a gold digger in the past as apparently I talk a lot about money to him. Only because I keep on saying to him that being unmarried leaves me in very vulnerable position for the future in case anything happens. He hates me talking about money. He has also called me a lodger a few times in the past. (I have also called him some nasty names in the arguments but lodger is a bit too much I think)

The thing is I don't even know why I talk to him about it. I don't even want to marry this guy anymore and I can't imagine my future with him. His domestic laziness, entitlement, he can't / doesn't want to cook. He won't do school runs and cook as he is paying the bills apparently.

For the record I buy all the food (circa £400-500 a month) and pay him towards gas and electricity and everything for our son, including school lunches (circa £80 a month) and all my expenses. I save the rest.. We go 50/50 to the penny on foreign holidays (we go 2-3 times a year).

He says I am lucky that I get to live with him apparently as lots of girls would love that. Ha

i think he sensed it that I am gaining my independence back and trying to go full time and planning my life without him so he is trying to be so nice and says he wants to spend his life with me, but I think resentment killed my love.

Do you think I sound entitled or do I have a right to feel so resentful ?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 20:52

**Just to correct I have NOW got £40k in savings

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/02/2023 20:57

Stop giving him money towards the bills until he gives you half of shopping and DC expenses.

He won't kick you out because he won't want to look like the bad guy he is!!

Remember when you leave or end the relationship you can start claiming CMS from day 1.

RandomMess · 07/02/2023 20:58

You have been a mug and he knows it.

Flowers
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:00

I only pay half towards gas and electricity, he pays all the other bills- council tax (a lot - £350 a month), water, broadband etc.

OP posts:
Christmaspyjamas · 07/02/2023 21:00

I think you've got him sussed and a long term plan.

I'd suggest you push him so that you pay some rent and he buys half the food.

He's set this all up to suit him for now and to leave you with nothing if he ups and leaves. He's fairly intentionally made you dependent and financially vulnerable whilst getting a lot of free services.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2023 21:00

He's played the long con and you fell for it. Get out while you still have a shred of your youth left.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2023 21:00

He’s played you like a violin.

Why are you paying 50% at all. Stop doing this.

I would consider leaving far sooner than in a few years time. Do not stay with him merely because of your child.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:06

Thank you for your comments :) I thought you might say that. I know deep down that this is just ridiculous but I don't want to sound too entitled. All I wanted is some healthy balance where my contribution to the family is recognised, but it has sadly never been recognised and it never will be.

I am saving to get my deposit together and planning to leave him. But what annoys me is that my mum says that I would be stupid to do it as he is a decent man he doesn't cheat etc). I think he is financially cunning and domestically lazy.

OP posts:
Christmaspyjamas · 07/02/2023 21:11

Your mum has a different upbringing and generation.

By building your deposit you have CHOICES and POWER. It's really smart.

You haven't been stupid...far from it. You're responded to circumstances and given yourself options.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:18

Here comes the bad bit. He bought me a nice car to drive a few years ago- but he got it invoiced in his name. I have to pay him depreciation £150 every month as it loses it's value so for when it is time to sell it he doesn't want to loose out on the value of the car too much. This is not family isn't ?

OP posts:
wishing3 · 07/02/2023 21:23

Wow-he sounds awful. How can he not realise how outrageous his behaviour is?! Good on you for saving £40 grand. I hope you get your freedom and enjoy it.

Orangesare · 07/02/2023 21:25

The car bit is really bad.
I would start playing down the amount of money I had available big time. Everything is going up and your money is not is it? So he is going to have to start paying nore than you or you will start economising by turning the heating down and buying asda own brand food.
dont over egg it but just a bit more so you can save a bit more.

Dacadactyl · 07/02/2023 21:28

Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:18

Here comes the bad bit. He bought me a nice car to drive a few years ago- but he got it invoiced in his name. I have to pay him depreciation £150 every month as it loses it's value so for when it is time to sell it he doesn't want to loose out on the value of the car too much. This is not family isn't ?

Dear oh dear...I mean your first post about him was bad enough, but this just takes the absolute biscuit.

I'm glad he's got so much money, that's all he will have to comfort him in his old age.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:31

He says that I am lucky to get to live in this nice house with such low outgoings where I get to keep a big part of wages for myself and he keeps paying the bills. He says he doesn't understand why I am unhappy about our setup, but deep down I think he knows very well and he is just protecting myself.

I am planning on going back full time soon and I have also started studying towards chartered accountancy qualification to up my future earnings.

What annoys me- he says to our friends that I don't know anything about raising costs of living. This is so demeaning

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 07/02/2023 21:33

@Newyearnewme2023 he just gets worse with each update.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:38

His dad is the same. He saved up £200k , his wife he has been married to for 50 years to didn't know about it. Now he is in care home and all his savings are paying for care home. The difference is that his parents are married.

I don't want to be his unmarried carer in old age not even having a right to a family home. Here goes the bad bit again- he says jokingly when I mention having at least a will- don't worry , our child will let you stay in the house if I die

OP posts:
Mischance · 07/02/2023 21:39

Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:18

Here comes the bad bit. He bought me a nice car to drive a few years ago- but he got it invoiced in his name. I have to pay him depreciation £150 every month as it loses it's value so for when it is time to sell it he doesn't want to loose out on the value of the car too much. This is not family isn't ?

Good grief - that really takes the biscuit!!

What is he like as a father? Does your son have any sort of relationship with him? It is just worrying to think what lessons your son is learning about partnerships and loving relationships. You might think about leaving sooner in order to avoid these terrible life lessons that your son is receiving.

discobrain · 07/02/2023 21:40

Oh my god, what an absolute fucking arsehole he is.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:43

He is a decent dad. He takes our child to football, he is very generous with him. He reads books with him in bed, they have a great relationship (it wasn't like that when our child was younger- he was trying to avoid all the boring stuff ). He was busy paying the bills he says. It is just me and money that is the sticking point

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 07/02/2023 21:46

Marry him, wait a year, save all that you can then divorce him

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:47

I think I knew when we got together 14 years ago that he was a bit domestically lazy, did not want to cook, etc. I knew that he was very protective over his money too. But I was young and I thought we were in it together, so I was happy to do some daily drudgery as I thought we would get married and it will all be ours anyway and we all have equal contribution to this relationship. But now I see this is never going to happen (I don't want it anymore anyway as my resentment took over) . I can now see that my contribution is not valued at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:48

He will never marry, it is obvious now. He says I didn't want another child so we won't marry

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/02/2023 21:49

I would tell him you don't want the big expensive fancy car that costs you £150 per month you want a cheaper one.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 07/02/2023 21:53

I'd run him over with the bloody car!

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:55

When our child was born and I was only working 1 day a week for a few years, we went on holiday abroad. I had to pay him half of the cost of holidays back in instalments over the next few months as I couldn't afford it all in one go. Even though I was looking after our child so he could build his business

OP posts: