Not another naive one

[Newyearnewme2023]

Hello! I am looking for an objective opinion as I can't ask in real life. Sorry, it is going to be a long one.

I am 37 and my ,partner' is 7 years older. I met him when I was 23 and I have made a tactical mistake of moving with him into is property when I was 25. Year later our child was born who is now 11. At the time he was still paying his mortgage, but he has been mortgage free for the last 5 years. It is a big detached 5 bedroom house.

Having a child was his idea, as he was desperate for a child. He talked me into it years ago but obviously I love my child and I don't regret this at all :) On the outside I have a great life- ,nice family', nice holidays, live in a big house, drive a nice car, ok job in finance (I work 30 hours a week WFH).

I have naively assumed years ago when I was younger that getting married was a natural part of us being together (how silly, I know !) and he has proposed to me when I was expecting but I think it was more to do with the fact that he was actively trying to persuade me to have another child soon after. He kept on saying let's have a second child first and then we will see about getting married. He kept on saying he is not getting married without having a 2nd child first , but I have luckily put my foot down and I said no. I said marriage first and then maybe we will see one day about the second child. And here we are years later. I wouldn't want a second child now anyway as I feel complete :)

I can't help but feel very resentful which has killed my love for this guy I think.

1. Firstly, he kept on saying to our child that it is my fault he hasn't got siblings. It is not true. I kept on saying marriage first and then we will see. i am disgusted when he blames me for it.
2. He has assets and a big house and he wouldn't ever put me on house deeds. I haven't contributed towards his mortgage so I totally understand it, but he wouldn't even entertain the idea of will or prenup in the past.
3. I was the one / I am still the one doing all the boring every day drudgery jobs - school runs, all the cleaning, all the cooking. i just think he needed someone to pick up where mummy left off.
4. For the first 5 years of our child's life I have only worked 1 day a week as he didn't want to pay for the nursery as it was expensive and he didn't want his child to be with strangers (His mum looked after our child). So while he was building his business I had not much money. He would kindly borrow me when I was running short but I needed to pay it back each time. Even though I was the one staying at home with the child.
5. When our child started primary school I upped my hours as I have started to realise that it was very unhealthy and I needed to start taking care of my financial future as he was leaving me very vulnerable with no money. He wasn't over the moon that I upped my hours but he got over it.

I have not got £40k in savings and I think resentment killed me love for him and I am planning on leaving within next few years. We argue a lot as I feel so resentful. He called me a gold digger in the past as apparently I talk a lot about money to him. Only because I keep on saying to him that being unmarried leaves me in very vulnerable position for the future in case anything happens. He hates me talking about money. He has also called me a lodger a few times in the past. (I have also called him some nasty names in the arguments but lodger is a bit too much I think)

The thing is I don't even know why I talk to him about it. I don't even want to marry this guy anymore and I can't imagine my future with him. His domestic laziness, entitlement, he can't / doesn't want to cook. He won't do school runs and cook as he is paying the bills apparently.

For the record I buy all the food (circa £400-500 a month) and pay him towards gas and electricity and everything for our son, including school lunches (circa £80 a month) and all my expenses. I save the rest.. We go 50/50 to the penny on foreign holidays (we go 2-3 times a year).

He says I am lucky that I get to live with him apparently as lots of girls would love that. Ha

i think he sensed it that I am gaining my independence back and trying to go full time and planning my life without him so he is trying to be so nice and says he wants to spend his life with me, but I think resentment killed my love.

Do you think I sound entitled or do I have a right to feel so resentful ?!

This has really hit me hard tonight. I knew he was a bit of miser and tight, and I got to amass some savings by living with him, but I am really realising that this is financial abuse. He was lying to me and making me spend so much money on food while he kept on saving

Yes you need the freedom programme. You need help to get to the bottom of why you stayed in this abusive relationship for so long and how you can avoid abusers in the future. You need help to have confidence to be on your own. Your set up is really bad OP.
Ask him for the money for the groceries before you go out. All you have to say is can you give me 100 pound for groceries please

Stop saying I got to amass savings by living with him. That’s not a normal way to think about living in a loving partnership. You are just repeating what he has told you. You earned the money and you saved it.

Omg I am feeling sick in my stomach reading this. You are right, I think it's the fear of being on my own kept me here for so long. He wont give me money for food ( he used to buy all food until our child was 7). He will say pay me £500 rent for a bedroom then

Scales are coming off my eyes. I needed to hear it. I have been conditioned into thinking it's OK. Is this freedom programme online ? I have googled it and it said £15 or sth like . Is this correct?

Ok ask him to go and get the groceries.
If he asks you for five hundred pound for the bedroom honestly OP just go. I genuinely do not know why you are still there. Can you get an air bnb for a month or stay with your mum until you get a place of your own? You have enough money in savings to pay two years rent depending on where you are. Why are you staying? I would be gone in the morning. This is no way to live with you fretting over asking him for money to pay for the food that you all eat.
Alternatively call his bluff and give him the 500£ and use the next month to get a rental.

I have no idea how much it costs sorry.

My parents have moved abroad a while ago and I have nobody to stay with. He has never done food shopping before. He used to eat at his mums or eat crap fish fingers. I think the reason I am still here was fear of being on my own after 14 years and getting courage going to estate agent, looking at flats etc. So I kept on telling myskef £10k more and I will go

So speak to an estate agent tomorrow and tell them your budget and where you want to be and ask them to set up viewings next week. Be sure to tell them that you can pay a year cash in advance because you’ll go to the top of the list re landlord preference. No one else can do it for you unfortunately OP but you are in a really fortunate position. You have a lot of money in the bank and can access your own housing. Now is the time to stop being a passenger and start driving the bus. What friends can you rely on in real life?

Another thing that kept me here for so long is fear of people around me (including colleagues) finding out that my perfect little world I was pretending to be living in has failed. And this little twat saying I will never be able to manage financially on my own - now I know it was to control me. I take home circa £1650 a month (after deductions) working 4 days a week plus child benefit. It will be more once I am full time

I have one close friend who has no clue about situation and lots of mates. Nobody knows how unhappy I have been for a while

Stop worrying about what other people think, your life wasn’t perfect, it was awful. They should know your partner was an abuser.
Its literally madness to think you can’t manage financially, you have 40k in the bank. You may be entitled to top up payments as a single parent (though probably not with your significant savings) , you already have a car and oh yeah prick ex will have to pay you maintenance in addition to your wage. You are in a far better financial position than probably half the working population. Stop listening to a bullshitter.

All the best op

Text your close friend in the morning and say you need her help. She might be able to go with you to viewings to give you support. One good friend is all you need right now.

Thank you so much. I needed to read this to see for myself how bad it is. I feel physically sick thinking that I have been conditioned into thinking it's OK , and I should count myself lucky. I can see that I really need freedom programme. He kept on saying if you don't like it move out by end of next month

Great, move out by the end of next month then. You have the money and he is a prick

All this time I have been trying to avoid renting and was thinking about getting mortgage at some point, but for years he didn't want me to be on utility bills so I don't build credit history (I am on electoral register and have credit card)

Thank you

You’d probably get a mortgage. Is waiting three months at least something you want to do? Rent for a year and buy next year when you have bills in your name and are working full time. Or stay miserable where you are for the sake of getting a house in what three, four months maybe if you can get one. It’s your life OP

Right , not only I have been financially abused but also emotionally abused into thinking it's OK as I am saving money. And he said to me a week ago we are stuck together for life - when he said that to me I thought I don't think so you little prick. Is that another sign of emotional abuse- saying move out one day and saying shit like that another day? Can I ask how you know all this stuff above ? Am I stupid or naive

You do know even if your married you won't get anything. If he chooses still not to put you in gouse deeds you can't do anything about it, he could also choose to make a will and not name you and the list goes in so not sure how you think marriage will change much. And tbh I think you can already see marriage would be the worst thing you could do its a horrendous very questionable relationship. I mean he didn't buy you a car your making payments who does that is he a loan company. Jeeez and to try bartering child/marriage cmon neither of that is right. Our money all goes in one pot no matter who earns what between me and hubby. Bills go out and then we both have access for foods, treats,kids stuff,holidays, cars,animals etc etc no questions asked. Yes some larger purchases are discussed but always out same pot.To be fair he usually earns alot more as we took last year the decision me to stay with our 3 babies at home atm. I love it still a full purse I spend hubby earns haha and I get to stay home. But seriously to me a good relationship means doesnt matter who gets what or when who pays for what or how. It shouldn't be an issue in a very good relationship/marriage.

Right, I am getting legal advice next week and letting some light in by talking to my friend ( who already once said ge was very tight) and go from there. Do I tell him last minute I am moving out when it comes to it? If we didn't have a child I would just move out without a word

I wouldn't want to marry him anyway. It's over and I knew that for a while as he repulses me with his tightness and being a miser.

You’ve been living with an abuser most of your adult life. Being abused makes you doubt yourself but once the fog clears and you are away from him you will be able to make your own decisions with confidence. Abusers often say contradictory things and when you point out the contradiction try to make out you are wrong and/ or crazy.

Bizarre he said you were stuck together for life when you aren’t married and he doesn’t want to share any of his wealth or assets with you. You can walk out the door now. He just doesn’t realise you are strong enough to do it, let him keep thinking that 🤷‍♀️ He is really full of it

No, tell him you're not paying that anymore. What an abusive prick.