Not another naive one

[Newyearnewme2023]

Hello! I am looking for an objective opinion as I can't ask in real life. Sorry, it is going to be a long one.

I am 37 and my ,partner' is 7 years older. I met him when I was 23 and I have made a tactical mistake of moving with him into is property when I was 25. Year later our child was born who is now 11. At the time he was still paying his mortgage, but he has been mortgage free for the last 5 years. It is a big detached 5 bedroom house.

Having a child was his idea, as he was desperate for a child. He talked me into it years ago but obviously I love my child and I don't regret this at all :) On the outside I have a great life- ,nice family', nice holidays, live in a big house, drive a nice car, ok job in finance (I work 30 hours a week WFH).

I have naively assumed years ago when I was younger that getting married was a natural part of us being together (how silly, I know !) and he has proposed to me when I was expecting but I think it was more to do with the fact that he was actively trying to persuade me to have another child soon after. He kept on saying let's have a second child first and then we will see about getting married. He kept on saying he is not getting married without having a 2nd child first , but I have luckily put my foot down and I said no. I said marriage first and then maybe we will see one day about the second child. And here we are years later. I wouldn't want a second child now anyway as I feel complete :)

I can't help but feel very resentful which has killed my love for this guy I think.

1. Firstly, he kept on saying to our child that it is my fault he hasn't got siblings. It is not true. I kept on saying marriage first and then we will see. i am disgusted when he blames me for it.
2. He has assets and a big house and he wouldn't ever put me on house deeds. I haven't contributed towards his mortgage so I totally understand it, but he wouldn't even entertain the idea of will or prenup in the past.
3. I was the one / I am still the one doing all the boring every day drudgery jobs - school runs, all the cleaning, all the cooking. i just think he needed someone to pick up where mummy left off.
4. For the first 5 years of our child's life I have only worked 1 day a week as he didn't want to pay for the nursery as it was expensive and he didn't want his child to be with strangers (His mum looked after our child). So while he was building his business I had not much money. He would kindly borrow me when I was running short but I needed to pay it back each time. Even though I was the one staying at home with the child.
5. When our child started primary school I upped my hours as I have started to realise that it was very unhealthy and I needed to start taking care of my financial future as he was leaving me very vulnerable with no money. He wasn't over the moon that I upped my hours but he got over it.

I have not got £40k in savings and I think resentment killed me love for him and I am planning on leaving within next few years. We argue a lot as I feel so resentful. He called me a gold digger in the past as apparently I talk a lot about money to him. Only because I keep on saying to him that being unmarried leaves me in very vulnerable position for the future in case anything happens. He hates me talking about money. He has also called me a lodger a few times in the past. (I have also called him some nasty names in the arguments but lodger is a bit too much I think)

The thing is I don't even know why I talk to him about it. I don't even want to marry this guy anymore and I can't imagine my future with him. His domestic laziness, entitlement, he can't / doesn't want to cook. He won't do school runs and cook as he is paying the bills apparently.

For the record I buy all the food (circa £400-500 a month) and pay him towards gas and electricity and everything for our son, including school lunches (circa £80 a month) and all my expenses. I save the rest.. We go 50/50 to the penny on foreign holidays (we go 2-3 times a year).

He says I am lucky that I get to live with him apparently as lots of girls would love that. Ha

i think he sensed it that I am gaining my independence back and trying to go full time and planning my life without him so he is trying to be so nice and says he wants to spend his life with me, but I think resentment killed my love.

Do you think I sound entitled or do I have a right to feel so resentful ?!

I only read your first two sentences and everything in there is wrong.

You can use the £150 a month to buy one. Give him the keys back.

Good for you @Newyearnewme2023 we’re rooting for you and your lovely son. What a brilliant and strong woman you are xx

Preferably move out when he is out or away. Otherwise last minute and make sure someone else is there with you too. Ask a friend to have your son for the day and night of move

Even though it wasn't easy to hear you have been great help. I am eternally grateful. I was in this darkness all this time. I need to admit to sth I am ashamed off as I have only realised how bad it was a few years ago. When I was working very part time when our child was little we kept on going on holiday abroad a few times a year and he suggested that if I pay a bit less than him fir holiday I can get drinks for us on holiday. By getting drinks I don't mean buy them as it was all inclusive, but just go to a bar and bring them to us so he can do fuck all as he is on holiday. I know , it makes me feel sick thinking about it

Thank you so much. You are all great help🙂

I can’t wrap my head around why you are giving him such a massive head up on your plans. You’re telling him you’re going to leave and giving him huge warning to cook the books and screw you over. That’s pretty idiotic on your part.

shut your mouth about money, stop asking him for £25k or anything to do with money and play along until you can leave. All you’re doing now is giving him a heads up.

@KEG973 And I can't wrap my head around the fact that you you find it necessary to be a b*tch to me at 3.50 am. Wind your neck in and mind your own business.

To everyone else thanks, you have been great. I am now getting off mumsnet and moving on stronger💪

You know he is financially abusive. Get out now. Housing yourself will only get harder the longer you wait.

Yep, I have already spoken to my Dad this morning who was very angry when I told him the truth. He promised he won't say a word to him. I normally don't tell him much about what is going on as I didn't want him to dislike my ex. My mum knows a lot but she is enabler I think as she has always been brushing everything off I told her about my situation telling me I have nothing to complain about and I have it so easy. Anyway I am off to estate agent this morning to enquire about a couple of flats circa £850 a month, I will pay a year upfront. I am going back full time from April that should give me £2000 take home a month ish. Plus child benefit plus CM eventually although it might not be much as he will make it difficult. Then I am planning to buy next year. I feel free already 😁🍹🍾 I will try to come back on this thread some time in the future to let you know how I am getting on once I have proceesed everything that happened and what led me to this situation.

Wow! You are taking charge! This all sounds really positive.

I have got £10k in Help To Buy ISA ( that's part of my £40k savings), so that will give me 25% bonus when I want to buy next year on top of what I already have. Now I am wondering what the f*ck I have been waiting for. I am just getting shivers thinking what could have happened if I had another child with him like he wanted or had no savings. Lucky escape 🍀

Well done, you’re a very strong woman and you can do it. It might be overwhelming and even frightening at times, but you WILL get to where you want and deserve to be.

This self-centered lord’s bastard deserves to suffer the loss of not having you there to enhance his life at YOUR expense of happiness, security and well-being.

I would really recommend you do the accountancy course you mentioned. I did, and it changed my world.

Yes, I needed someone to help me open my eyes and see the light in the tunnel. Expecially the comment that I have been abused most of my adult life by him . This is so true. He kept on saying I won't manage without him and I will look back thinking he was a good boyfriend. F*g hell😂

@BackAgainstWall Yes I have already passed a few exams so I am truly on course 🙂

Work FT
start saving
don’t have another child x

We'll done OP. You are in a great position to take back control of your life.

Well done for finally realising this is no way to live and you don't have to wait.

I cannot stress enough to you that telling people the absolute truth of his emotion and financial abuse that he has subjected you to WILL be what will wound him the most.

He doesn't love you.
He has just wanted to control you.

He is a shit father who is also abusing his son by his abuse of you.

Rin women's aid for a chat.

Feel no shame, just tell people the truth.

Keep telling them you are just so happy to be free of him and his abuse.

Abusive men HATE when the word gets out.

They hate people knowing the truth.

It is the greatest thing you can do.

You tell people of all the money he has, but you had to leave with the shirt on your back.

Tell people you had to borrow the deposit for the flat.

Tell people that he has NEVER paid a penny for his child.

Shaming him is your friend here.

You do realise that he sees you as his future nurse skivvy?

That was your future.

He will leave his money to anyone but you.

Keep your cards close to your chest.
Ask your friend can you leave precious photos, keepsakes at hers so they are safe.

Start clearing out stuff so you can leave with what you need quickly.

Passports and papers in a safe place.

You are so young and have a great future ahead.

Just do it and tell everyone the horrible truth about him.

No shit.

Did you actually read ANY of the thread? Even the OP?

Just to say I am in awe of how you have blossomed as this thread has developed

I wish you the very best - go for it

Obviously also financial control/abuse.

You need to remove the focus on his money, which he’s going to continue to do his absolute best not to share with you. Focus on your own money, yourself and your Son.

Well done for starting to sort out your housing options so quickly!

Keep stum. Tell him nothing. Nada!
He’s your enemy, so treat him like one. Remember, he does not have your best interests at heart.

STOP giving him money and don’t ask for him any money for food, although you should start asking him to contribute towards expenses for your Son.
I would also give him the car keys back if you can manage without a car. If you need the car to transport your Son to school, etc - keep driving it but STOP giving him money for it!
Just start buying and preparing food for only you and your Son. Label the food if you have to and if it makes you feel better.

I agree that you most definitely need to do the Freedom Programme. If doesn’t matter how much it costs, as you can afford it.

This should also help:
outofthefog.website/

Good luck

I do not have to add anything to be honest, the previous posters said it all. I just want to chime in to bold, highlight and underline what everyone else said. Leave this man!!!! Sooner rather than later. He is mean first of all, abusive, controlling and not matter where you go and what you do after you leave him, it will be much, much better than the life you are living now. I am sorry to tell you this but do not listen to your mother either. That generation of women were raised to believe that preserving marriage should be women's first priority. I remember my mom saying, if a man is not beating you up, drinking, cheating or gambling you should stick with him. The sad truth is majority of men around us did do one or all of these things and women still stayed.

You are young, smart, employed, with what seems like a great job. I suggest you go back to therapy, but definitely find a new one. Next step is finding a solicitor, a good one as you are going to need him or event better Her, to help you get what you are owed. In the meantime look for a place to live. Do not discuss any of this with your partner, just do it all and tell him when you are ready to leave.

And no, it is never to late. I left my ex husband after 25 years of marriage. We have been separated for almost two years and waiting for divorce to be finalized. Is it easy, no. Am I having best time of my life, no. What I am is happy, content, relaxed, confident, smiling, singing, optimistic. I am enough!

Good luck OP and keep posting.💕

Hi, I am OP, I am back to give you all an update ! I have recently bought a nice 2 bedroom flat and I am moving out in a few weeks. I have put a very healthy deposit down so my mortgage payments will be quite low so I will be able to maintain good lifestyle.

I know it took a while to get myself out of this situation but I needed to get my finances in order first. I have also met a man in the summer this year and I haven't held back, so this was a kick in the backside for my to make a move finally.

My ex surprisingly is giving me some money to go (not much- £15k !) so I will use it furnish my new home as he wants amicable split for the sake our son apparently. Time will tell.

So for anyone still following this thread - all the best and thanks for advice. I took a while but I managed to get myself out of it eventually !