Not another naive one

[Newyearnewme2023]

Hello! I am looking for an objective opinion as I can't ask in real life. Sorry, it is going to be a long one.

I am 37 and my ,partner' is 7 years older. I met him when I was 23 and I have made a tactical mistake of moving with him into is property when I was 25. Year later our child was born who is now 11. At the time he was still paying his mortgage, but he has been mortgage free for the last 5 years. It is a big detached 5 bedroom house.

Having a child was his idea, as he was desperate for a child. He talked me into it years ago but obviously I love my child and I don't regret this at all :) On the outside I have a great life- ,nice family', nice holidays, live in a big house, drive a nice car, ok job in finance (I work 30 hours a week WFH).

I have naively assumed years ago when I was younger that getting married was a natural part of us being together (how silly, I know !) and he has proposed to me when I was expecting but I think it was more to do with the fact that he was actively trying to persuade me to have another child soon after. He kept on saying let's have a second child first and then we will see about getting married. He kept on saying he is not getting married without having a 2nd child first , but I have luckily put my foot down and I said no. I said marriage first and then maybe we will see one day about the second child. And here we are years later. I wouldn't want a second child now anyway as I feel complete :)

I can't help but feel very resentful which has killed my love for this guy I think.

1. Firstly, he kept on saying to our child that it is my fault he hasn't got siblings. It is not true. I kept on saying marriage first and then we will see. i am disgusted when he blames me for it.
2. He has assets and a big house and he wouldn't ever put me on house deeds. I haven't contributed towards his mortgage so I totally understand it, but he wouldn't even entertain the idea of will or prenup in the past.
3. I was the one / I am still the one doing all the boring every day drudgery jobs - school runs, all the cleaning, all the cooking. i just think he needed someone to pick up where mummy left off.
4. For the first 5 years of our child's life I have only worked 1 day a week as he didn't want to pay for the nursery as it was expensive and he didn't want his child to be with strangers (His mum looked after our child). So while he was building his business I had not much money. He would kindly borrow me when I was running short but I needed to pay it back each time. Even though I was the one staying at home with the child.
5. When our child started primary school I upped my hours as I have started to realise that it was very unhealthy and I needed to start taking care of my financial future as he was leaving me very vulnerable with no money. He wasn't over the moon that I upped my hours but he got over it.

I have not got £40k in savings and I think resentment killed me love for him and I am planning on leaving within next few years. We argue a lot as I feel so resentful. He called me a gold digger in the past as apparently I talk a lot about money to him. Only because I keep on saying to him that being unmarried leaves me in very vulnerable position for the future in case anything happens. He hates me talking about money. He has also called me a lodger a few times in the past. (I have also called him some nasty names in the arguments but lodger is a bit too much I think)

The thing is I don't even know why I talk to him about it. I don't even want to marry this guy anymore and I can't imagine my future with him. His domestic laziness, entitlement, he can't / doesn't want to cook. He won't do school runs and cook as he is paying the bills apparently.

For the record I buy all the food (circa £400-500 a month) and pay him towards gas and electricity and everything for our son, including school lunches (circa £80 a month) and all my expenses. I save the rest.. We go 50/50 to the penny on foreign holidays (we go 2-3 times a year).

He says I am lucky that I get to live with him apparently as lots of girls would love that. Ha

i think he sensed it that I am gaining my independence back and trying to go full time and planning my life without him so he is trying to be so nice and says he wants to spend his life with me, but I think resentment killed my love.

Do you think I sound entitled or do I have a right to feel so resentful ?!

Even putting money aside, and lack of marriage, over last few years I have realised we are very different people and he needs a girl to pick up where mummy left off. It's over and now is the matter of time I leave him. Thank you so much. I feel stronger

I honestly don't think he'll care, and he won't pay up.

He is such a twat isn't he. All about money

Stop giving him money for the car, electric and gas. He basically wants a free Maid, Nanny, etc. Get organised and find somewhere else to live ASAP. Yes, childcare should be a little easier now your DS is a little more independent at age 11 and at Secondary School. Don’t tell him anything about your plans to leave until the very last minute.
Well done for not giving up your job/career and saving up 40k. That was very smart. Definitely don’t discuss your savings with him. Sad what your DS said about his Father being selfish and no other lady putting up with him.
All the best.

OMG OP I am so sorry. This man is abusive.

please read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle and read discreetly). Consider your options and congratulations on your savings - that is really impressive.

Bear in mind the kind of example this is setting for your son. Children are little not stupid.

WTAF 🤯🤯

You couldn't afford to go halves with family holidays so he made you pay it back in monthly installments?! And he makes you pay depreciation on a car that's essentially his?! Wtf, honestly I'm speechless. Don't even know where to start.

When I read your opening post I actually thought he sounded quite tight but not hideously so. But every single update you've posted has just went from bad to worse to awful.

Honestly you're still so young, you've got a lot going for you. You only get one life, go and live it far away from that tight, miserable cxxt.

I assume you know that you can see his company accounts online ?

I’d be going now, not in a few years. Use your savings for a deposit on your own place

Get your chartered status, up your hours and move out.

He has been awful, but you need to stop being nasty to him too- this creates a horrible environment for your child, so stop.

Also, this man had been financially controlling for your whole relationship. Your posts saying ‘ he’ll want our child to live somewhere decent so he’ll have to pay’ etc are worrying. Surely as a chartered accountant you’ll be able to comfortably stand on your own two feet?
Just stop thinking he’ll be fair when you leave. Put your energy into your career, your child and creating a wonderful healthy environment for your child.
The best part of your life is in front of you!

All this man cares about is money and acquiring it from whatever source and using you as a cook/cleaner/child bearer. He neither cares about you or his child (that has his surname?) for that matter because if he did you as his mother would not have been abused in the ways you have. He targeted you deliberately. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?

Make the split happen asap, you don’t have to kick the can down the road by stating you need to save up another 10k. You’ve gone along with this charade long enough and at great cost, not solely financially, to yourself but to your child.

@Newyearnewme2023 He really is an awful and selfish man and I hope you can get out soon.

I've only read your comments and not replies so I'm sure it's already been said but please stop telling him anything.

Don't talk to him about your money, your plans to leave, therapy, what you want from him. Nothing.

You discuss mundane stuff, your child etc but nothing else. He doesn't have a right to any of that information and he'll use it against you.

Keep your cards close to your chest and get planning.

Thank you for everyone that took time to comment. I feel sickened knowing what he has done to me. Reading your comments has only reinforced what I knew but reading them again made me feel very angry. The funny thing is everyone thinks he is lovely and generous, including neighbours. For years he was talking me into having another child, but thanks god I said no. I will now up my hours, study harder and start looking into my next stop of moving out. I will never look back.

He said to me in the past that he won't pay as he wants 50/50 so he won't have to pay maintenance. I know, given age of our child's life, that he will get a choice who he wants to reside with, but I have a feeling he won't willingly pay up, if our son wants to be half a week with him.

His business is not massive, I think we business assets he has and money in business account he would have circa £200k

Why was he so keen for another child?

To take part in parenting and raising a family or to keep you trapped and make it harder for you to work and leave?

What do you mean "have to"? Stop paying. This is ridiculous, nobody makes their partner do that. You shouldn't be paying 100% of the food bill either.

If the house is worth the amount you say for such a large house then I presume you live somewhere with cheap housing. Could you afford to buy somewhere easily. I'd be happier in a two bed terraced on my own rather than with him.

Are you earning a decent amount as you seem to have quite high expenses.

I look and him this morning and feel nothing rather than anger and resentment, but I will put my energy into good use. He would always be sweet to me, unless I mentioned his money to him. Then it always ended in argument and calling me gold digger

We live in South West house would be max £500k. I don't earn very decent amount but I am studying so I am hoping to up it soon. I was looking at flats circa £180k for now

I mean his house is worth max £500k

Your 11 year old sounds more mature than him.

Tbh maybe you were a bit too attracted to the big house and his obvious wealth at first, being young and immature yourself. Now the scales have fallen from your eyes you should see a divorce solicitor to formulate a plan even if you're not quite ready to leave him yet.

I think he was keen to have another child as he was only child himself and lonely when he was younger. But I said no if unmarried.

I also think it was to trap me even though he denies it and to stop me from upping my hours. He used to blackmail me and say he will leave if i don't want another child but I grew the hell up and told him go then. He was just saying that to scare me, but at this point I didnt care anymore as the damage was done

Yes, therapist I saw last year said she thinks I went in this relationship with my head not my heart. But I used to love him, just resentment over money killed it off.

OMG I want to punch him! You need to run away from this arsehole. Get off Mumsnet and make some plans to get away.

This was exactly my situation.