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Original poster

Not another naive one

214 replies

Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 20:50

Hello! I am looking for an objective opinion as I can't ask in real life. Sorry, it is going to be a long one.

I am 37 and my ,partner' is 7 years older. I met him when I was 23 and I have made a tactical mistake of moving with him into is property when I was 25. Year later our child was born who is now 11. At the time he was still paying his mortgage, but he has been mortgage free for the last 5 years. It is a big detached 5 bedroom house.

Having a child was his idea, as he was desperate for a child. He talked me into it years ago but obviously I love my child and I don't regret this at all :) On the outside I have a great life- ,nice family', nice holidays, live in a big house, drive a nice car, ok job in finance (I work 30 hours a week WFH).

I have naively assumed years ago when I was younger that getting married was a natural part of us being together (how silly, I know !) and he has proposed to me when I was expecting but I think it was more to do with the fact that he was actively trying to persuade me to have another child soon after. He kept on saying let's have a second child first and then we will see about getting married. He kept on saying he is not getting married without having a 2nd child first , but I have luckily put my foot down and I said no. I said marriage first and then maybe we will see one day about the second child. And here we are years later. I wouldn't want a second child now anyway as I feel complete :)

I can't help but feel very resentful which has killed my love for this guy I think.

  1. Firstly, he kept on saying to our child that it is my fault he hasn't got siblings. It is not true. I kept on saying marriage first and then we will see. i am disgusted when he blames me for it.
  2. He has assets and a big house and he wouldn't ever put me on house deeds. I haven't contributed towards his mortgage so I totally understand it, but he wouldn't even entertain the idea of will or prenup in the past.
  3. I was the one / I am still the one doing all the boring every day drudgery jobs - school runs, all the cleaning, all the cooking. i just think he needed someone to pick up where mummy left off.
  4. For the first 5 years of our child's life I have only worked 1 day a week as he didn't want to pay for the nursery as it was expensive and he didn't want his child to be with strangers (His mum looked after our child). So while he was building his business I had not much money. He would kindly borrow me when I was running short but I needed to pay it back each time. Even though I was the one staying at home with the child.
  5. When our child started primary school I upped my hours as I have started to realise that it was very unhealthy and I needed to start taking care of my financial future as he was leaving me very vulnerable with no money. He wasn't over the moon that I upped my hours but he got over it.

I have not got £40k in savings and I think resentment killed me love for him and I am planning on leaving within next few years. We argue a lot as I feel so resentful. He called me a gold digger in the past as apparently I talk a lot about money to him. Only because I keep on saying to him that being unmarried leaves me in very vulnerable position for the future in case anything happens. He hates me talking about money. He has also called me a lodger a few times in the past. (I have also called him some nasty names in the arguments but lodger is a bit too much I think)

The thing is I don't even know why I talk to him about it. I don't even want to marry this guy anymore and I can't imagine my future with him. His domestic laziness, entitlement, he can't / doesn't want to cook. He won't do school runs and cook as he is paying the bills apparently.

For the record I buy all the food (circa £400-500 a month) and pay him towards gas and electricity and everything for our son, including school lunches (circa £80 a month) and all my expenses. I save the rest.. We go 50/50 to the penny on foreign holidays (we go 2-3 times a year).

He says I am lucky that I get to live with him apparently as lots of girls would love that. Ha

i think he sensed it that I am gaining my independence back and trying to go full time and planning my life without him so he is trying to be so nice and says he wants to spend his life with me, but I think resentment killed my love.

Do you think I sound entitled or do I have a right to feel so resentful ?!

OP posts:
Blessedwithsunshine · 08/02/2023 08:54

The smartest thing you did was stop at one child.
That same child is nearly a teen and can choose where they live, and look after themselves. You can focus on your future.

Knuckle down get your qualifications. Move him into the spare room. Save like crazy and prepare to leave. If you meet someone else in the meantime don’t hold back. There is no future with this man.

rainbowstardrops · 08/02/2023 08:59

Blimey, he's done a right number on you.
Well done for seeing the light though!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/02/2023 09:02

"The funny thing is everyone thinks he is lovely and generous, including neighbours. For years he was talking me into having another child, but thanks god I said no".

Many abusers are actually quite plausible to those in the outside world and they do put on an act for others; an act they cannot ever maintain. Protecting their self imposed image of a nice family oriented person is all important to them.

It was indeed smart of you to say no to a second child.

Its going to take you a long time, perhaps years even now, to recover from his abuses of you and in turn your son. I would also look at the Freedom Programme in the future and enrol yourself onto this.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 08/02/2023 09:13

Thank you All for your messages. I really needed it to build me up.

The funny thing is that I am quite attractive (it's not that it is relevant) and he knows it. And he knows I wouldn't have a problem getting anyone's attention if that's what I wanted.

I am going to get off mumsnet, summon all energy into my job and qualification and leave him. I have been dreaming about it for the last few years 🙂

OP posts:
Shockedandworridbythistunt · 08/02/2023 10:27

Really feel for you because exh was like this. There are sadly s lot of them about. Please just leave now before you waste any more years with him.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 10/02/2023 23:31

Oh dear. I was looking for some paperwork today and found statement from one of his saving account. £50k. That is just one of his accounts. Normally he is very careful but he must has forgotten to shred it. I told him so you are playing poor to me, making me pay for all the food and yiu have so much money? Some of that money has been saved up at my expense I said. He went mad. He said how dare I go through his stuff

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 23:35

Newyearnewme2023 · 10/02/2023 23:31

Oh dear. I was looking for some paperwork today and found statement from one of his saving account. £50k. That is just one of his accounts. Normally he is very careful but he must has forgotten to shred it. I told him so you are playing poor to me, making me pay for all the food and yiu have so much money? Some of that money has been saved up at my expense I said. He went mad. He said how dare I go through his stuff

Kindly, stop telling him your every thought and stop pointing him in the direction of what you are going to do. Fgs that money will already have been moved to somewhere you can’t get it. Keep your powder dry if you actually want to leave. You can get addicted to the highs of conflict and drama all the time OP. Make sure that you don’t fall further in to that trap. You should have stored that somewhere safe and said nothing. Stop paying for all the food. Stop paying bills. Countless people have said this. Start thinking with your head a little bit not reacting to everything he does

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 10/02/2023 23:41

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 23:35

Kindly, stop telling him your every thought and stop pointing him in the direction of what you are going to do. Fgs that money will already have been moved to somewhere you can’t get it. Keep your powder dry if you actually want to leave. You can get addicted to the highs of conflict and drama all the time OP. Make sure that you don’t fall further in to that trap. You should have stored that somewhere safe and said nothing. Stop paying for all the food. Stop paying bills. Countless people have said this. Start thinking with your head a little bit not reacting to everything he does

Show quote history

I needed to say sth as shame is on his side. He has been playing so poor to me all this time. I wanted him to know that I know that he has money to pay me to go. I wanted to see his reaction as this is the man I spent so many years with and now I wonder whether I have actually ever known him. He wont move it as he knows I have no right to it, as we are unmarried.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 10/02/2023 23:50

This is money made at my expense too. I know that I should have kept it to myself but I really couldn't as he keeps on saying every day how he has no money and can't pay for this or that. I needed him to be shamed as this was first time ever I got to see his statement. It makes no difference as I won't be entitled to it anyway, the only thing he needs to pay is CMS according to law apparently

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 23:52

Newyearnewme2023 · 10/02/2023 23:41

I needed to say sth as shame is on his side. He has been playing so poor to me all this time. I wanted him to know that I know that he has money to pay me to go. I wanted to see his reaction as this is the man I spent so many years with and now I wonder whether I have actually ever known him. He wont move it as he knows I have no right to it, as we are unmarried.

Show quote history

Sorry but no you didn’t. You already know what he is like. He is not going to accept it because you wave a bank statement under his nose. Now he will be moving money where you will have to look much harder to find it and will make sure every single statement in the house is shredded, because he is a miser. He is likely going to try and avoid paying you any child maintenance as he is self employed and a miser. You should be QUIETLY collating evidence to support your CMS claim. Not starting rows. He is never going to come to the realisation he is in the wrong. You are wasting your time and he now clearly knows what you know. You need to play it a lot cooler. Please tell me you still have the statement or at least took a pic of it with the account details before you went in to start a row. Would have been FAR more effective to wipe the smile off his face when he was trying to lie to governmental entities about having no money by playing your trump card then. You’ve just showed him your hand completely. You need to think tactically here, this man has been running rings round you for years. He doesn’t owe you any money to let you go OP, you aren’t married. His only financial responsibility is to your child. You should be focusing on that

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 10/02/2023 23:52

All along he was stringing me along financially. He is financial abuser. I didn't realise how bad it was until now. From now on 🤐, I swear

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 10/02/2023 23:54

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 23:52

Sorry but no you didn’t. You already know what he is like. He is not going to accept it because you wave a bank statement under his nose. Now he will be moving money where you will have to look much harder to find it and will make sure every single statement in the house is shredded, because he is a miser. He is likely going to try and avoid paying you any child maintenance as he is self employed and a miser. You should be QUIETLY collating evidence to support your CMS claim. Not starting rows. He is never going to come to the realisation he is in the wrong. You are wasting your time and he now clearly knows what you know. You need to play it a lot cooler. Please tell me you still have the statement or at least took a pic of it with the account details before you went in to start a row. Would have been FAR more effective to wipe the smile off his face when he was trying to lie to governmental entities about having no money by playing your trump card then. You’ve just showed him your hand completely. You need to think tactically here, this man has been running rings round you for years. He doesn’t owe you any money to let you go OP, you aren’t married. His only financial responsibility is to your child. You should be focusing on that

Show quote history

Yes I took the picture. But this won't support CMS claim as my understanding is that CMS claim is based on earnings, not his assets, savings to date?

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 23:55

Newyearnewme2023 · 10/02/2023 23:52

All along he was stringing me along financially. He is financial abuser. I didn't realise how bad it was until now. From now on 🤐, I swear

You’ve sleep walked in to this OP. You can’t change it now. Keep your lip zipped and do not mention his money again. You have plenty of money to get away. I honestly don’t know why you are still there.

LexMitior · 10/02/2023 23:55

You are going to have to a be lot smarter than this to get any money out of this man

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 10/02/2023 23:57

Honestly you can see how I fell for this shit. I thought we were a family. F*g hell

OP posts:
category12 · 10/02/2023 23:57

www.gov.uk/how-child-maintenance-is-worked-out/ask-other-income-expenses-included

You can ask for other income/assets to be taken into account.

Eyerollcentral · 10/02/2023 23:58

Newyearnewme2023 · 10/02/2023 23:54

Yes I took the picture. But this won't support CMS claim as my understanding is that CMS claim is based on earnings, not his assets, savings to date?

Show quote history

If he is crying poverty and saying oh but I only earn x a year on the books and has amassed a significant amount in savings and assets that may be of interest to HMRC and CMS. You need to have as clear a financial picture as possible. If you had any sense you would instruct a solicitor with some of the tens of thousands you have in the bank and get professional advice - obviously do not tell him you are doing this.

Eyerollcentral · 11/02/2023 00:00

Newyearnewme2023 · 10/02/2023 23:57

Honestly you can see how I fell for this shit. I thought we were a family. F*g hell

I know you were young at the start of the relationship but honestly no I personally cannot understand how you fell for this and why you agreed to live the way you have for so long without even the protection of being married. But you are where you are now. Take advice and go from there. Don’t engage in rows about money. Get out as soon as possible.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 11/02/2023 00:04

Right, enough of this. I think I was stilli cling to some hope that he might see his wrongdoing and see my point. After all we shared fucking 14 years together and this little twat has amassed so much money. I am going to see solictor next week and I go fron there. I am 🤐

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 11/02/2023 00:14

Newyearnewme2023 · 11/02/2023 00:04

Right, enough of this. I think I was stilli cling to some hope that he might see his wrongdoing and see my point. After all we shared fucking 14 years together and this little twat has amassed so much money. I am going to see solictor next week and I go fron there. I am 🤐

Yes you need to be clear about this in your mind and I’m going to be brutal with you - he has deliberately stashed away money from you and your son, he has exploited you financially despite you earning much much less and he knew exactly what he was doing. Money is more important to him than you or your son. I’m sorry but you have to get this in to your head, get advice and get help to allow you to process this and then embark confidently on your new life. My only other bit of advice is to try and keep him inside until you get out. Don’t mention money again. Behave as you normally would (bar handing over money). You don’t have to have a stand off about I am not paying this because you’ve treated me as a cash cow for 14 years, you just forget your purse, bring the wrong card, fail to get money out of the bank, give him the wrong amount etc, hold on to what you have as long as you can and do not get in to any rows if you can avoid it - I only say this because this guy sounds like a nasty piece of work and your only aim now is for you and your son to get out quickly and safely

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 11/02/2023 00:24

Eyerollcentral · 11/02/2023 00:14

Yes you need to be clear about this in your mind and I’m going to be brutal with you - he has deliberately stashed away money from you and your son, he has exploited you financially despite you earning much much less and he knew exactly what he was doing. Money is more important to him than you or your son. I’m sorry but you have to get this in to your head, get advice and get help to allow you to process this and then embark confidently on your new life. My only other bit of advice is to try and keep him inside until you get out. Don’t mention money again. Behave as you normally would (bar handing over money). You don’t have to have a stand off about I am not paying this because you’ve treated me as a cash cow for 14 years, you just forget your purse, bring the wrong card, fail to get money out of the bank, give him the wrong amount etc, hold on to what you have as long as you can and do not get in to any rows if you can avoid it - I only say this because this guy sounds like a nasty piece of work and your only aim now is for you and your son to get out quickly and safely

Show quote history

Yes, I will wake up in the morning and behave like nothing ever happened. I will carry on as usual but spending less money. Not going out. I knew it was bad but this is just tip of the ice berg. Even though I know this was bad tactical move to say what I have seen I am glad I did. He can't now say he has no money. I needed to see it with my eyes to have closure

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 11/02/2023 00:35

Newyearnewme2023 · 11/02/2023 00:24

Yes, I will wake up in the morning and behave like nothing ever happened. I will carry on as usual but spending less money. Not going out. I knew it was bad but this is just tip of the ice berg. Even though I know this was bad tactical move to say what I have seen I am glad I did. He can't now say he has no money. I needed to see it with my eyes to have closure

Show quote history

Good luck. Try and keep a cool head and keep going forward.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 11/02/2023 00:40

Eyerollcentral · 11/02/2023 00:35

Good luck. Try and keep a cool head and keep going forward.

Show quote history

Thank you for your comment. I will behave like nothing happened in the morning, cut all my spendings right down. Go for a walk as we usually do. I know I don't help myself by being hot head and speaking my mind to him but this is the guy I have been with for 14 years and sheer realisation of him explpoiting me financially has really hit me hard

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 11/02/2023 00:50

Newyearnewme2023 · 11/02/2023 00:40

Thank you for your comment. I will behave like nothing happened in the morning, cut all my spendings right down. Go for a walk as we usually do. I know I don't help myself by being hot head and speaking my mind to him but this is the guy I have been with for 14 years and sheer realisation of him explpoiting me financially has really hit me hard

Show quote history

No, stop spending your money on HIM and household stuff. Spend whatever you like on you and your son. Stop giving your abuser more of your money. Don’t stop going out of the house, in fact go out as much as you can. Have you heard of the freedom programme?

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 11/02/2023 00:54

Eyerollcentral · 11/02/2023 00:50

No, stop spending your money on HIM and household stuff. Spend whatever you like on you and your son. Stop giving your abuser more of your money. Don’t stop going out of the house, in fact go out as much as you can. Have you heard of the freedom programme?

Show quote history

Yes I have googled it a few days ago. Do you think I need it? I mean I know this set up was bad but now I think it's much worse than I thought as few people pn this fprum said I need it. I worry slightly how can I stop buying food altogether as we need yo eat sth. This will cause a war

OP posts: