Not another naive one

[Newyearnewme2023]

Hello! I am looking for an objective opinion as I can't ask in real life. Sorry, it is going to be a long one.

I am 37 and my ,partner' is 7 years older. I met him when I was 23 and I have made a tactical mistake of moving with him into is property when I was 25. Year later our child was born who is now 11. At the time he was still paying his mortgage, but he has been mortgage free for the last 5 years. It is a big detached 5 bedroom house.

Having a child was his idea, as he was desperate for a child. He talked me into it years ago but obviously I love my child and I don't regret this at all :) On the outside I have a great life- ,nice family', nice holidays, live in a big house, drive a nice car, ok job in finance (I work 30 hours a week WFH).

I have naively assumed years ago when I was younger that getting married was a natural part of us being together (how silly, I know !) and he has proposed to me when I was expecting but I think it was more to do with the fact that he was actively trying to persuade me to have another child soon after. He kept on saying let's have a second child first and then we will see about getting married. He kept on saying he is not getting married without having a 2nd child first , but I have luckily put my foot down and I said no. I said marriage first and then maybe we will see one day about the second child. And here we are years later. I wouldn't want a second child now anyway as I feel complete :)

I can't help but feel very resentful which has killed my love for this guy I think.

1. Firstly, he kept on saying to our child that it is my fault he hasn't got siblings. It is not true. I kept on saying marriage first and then we will see. i am disgusted when he blames me for it.
2. He has assets and a big house and he wouldn't ever put me on house deeds. I haven't contributed towards his mortgage so I totally understand it, but he wouldn't even entertain the idea of will or prenup in the past.
3. I was the one / I am still the one doing all the boring every day drudgery jobs - school runs, all the cleaning, all the cooking. i just think he needed someone to pick up where mummy left off.
4. For the first 5 years of our child's life I have only worked 1 day a week as he didn't want to pay for the nursery as it was expensive and he didn't want his child to be with strangers (His mum looked after our child). So while he was building his business I had not much money. He would kindly borrow me when I was running short but I needed to pay it back each time. Even though I was the one staying at home with the child.
5. When our child started primary school I upped my hours as I have started to realise that it was very unhealthy and I needed to start taking care of my financial future as he was leaving me very vulnerable with no money. He wasn't over the moon that I upped my hours but he got over it.

I have not got £40k in savings and I think resentment killed me love for him and I am planning on leaving within next few years. We argue a lot as I feel so resentful. He called me a gold digger in the past as apparently I talk a lot about money to him. Only because I keep on saying to him that being unmarried leaves me in very vulnerable position for the future in case anything happens. He hates me talking about money. He has also called me a lodger a few times in the past. (I have also called him some nasty names in the arguments but lodger is a bit too much I think)

The thing is I don't even know why I talk to him about it. I don't even want to marry this guy anymore and I can't imagine my future with him. His domestic laziness, entitlement, he can't / doesn't want to cook. He won't do school runs and cook as he is paying the bills apparently.

For the record I buy all the food (circa £400-500 a month) and pay him towards gas and electricity and everything for our son, including school lunches (circa £80 a month) and all my expenses. I save the rest.. We go 50/50 to the penny on foreign holidays (we go 2-3 times a year).

He says I am lucky that I get to live with him apparently as lots of girls would love that. Ha

i think he sensed it that I am gaining my independence back and trying to go full time and planning my life without him so he is trying to be so nice and says he wants to spend his life with me, but I think resentment killed my love.

Do you think I sound entitled or do I have a right to feel so resentful ?!

Yes, I think he doesn't want to give it to me so I don't move out. To keep my trapped. But I have decided I am going nevertheless. We have slept in separate bedrooms for the last 2 years anyway as I told him no marriage so we are not sharing a bed. That's bad

These promises he makes to you are financially meaningless. What he offered you is what you have been given, though you thought otherwise.

The choice to make is to stay with a man you do not love (he doesn't love you I don't think) and raise your son in comfort and try and build a financial future as you do, while risking what is obvious, which is that this may end. This doesn't stop you from using your 40k to make a deposit on a flat or house to give you some security and perhaps moving in or renting it.

Or you can plan your own life and your son's which will look different in terms of comfort but you might face a better old age because you have made some plans.

Good luck.

So you have £40k but will only leave once you get to £50k

This is madness

How on Earth do you live like this?

Leave him fgs

Yes I ask myself this question too. I think I am still here because we got on well as mates , have a laugh etc. But money is a sticking point which made me very resentful over the years. I was waiting for our child to get older so I can move out and not rely on any child care as I have no family support nearby and now is the time

I'd be gathering paperwork proving his innocence no me from his business before he gets creative with his accounting.

£350 a MONTH for council tax? Do you live in a palace?

Proving his income, not innocence!

Yes, it is very big house and council house is £350 a month and it is going up by another 5% soon. So with all the fairness he has high outgoings himself

There's no partnership here. To him you are just a lodger with benefits. Nothing seems to be "joint" between you. He was never really letting you into the relationship.

Please keep with your plan to leave and don't communicate to him about it at all. Avoid confrontation by walking away and agreeing with a "whatever" if he tries to start an argument and don't start any yourself. You can always use the excuse that you are studying to not be around him.

After you have gone you can tell everyone that he future faked you with promises of marriage while trying to tie you down with more children so you couldn't leave and would be dependant upon him. He appears to be more than careful with money; something of a miser. He will get worse with age. The business with the car is unbelievable. He seems to be trying to get every last penny from you. Keep the car until the day you leave and leave him the key when you go. If you can get copies of any salary documents he has, that is useful, but if not, just start the CMS claim as soon as you are gone. Don't look back. You are young enough to start over with someone else who will make you happy.

His business is struggling, he used to earn very good money but not anymore as he is struggling to get any clients

Fgs @Newyearnewme2023 I honestly want to shake you. Stop living with him now. You have more than enough to get started on your own. Think of your son. Move out now and get in to therapy. Do not even think about another relationship until you have worked on yourself. Get this total prick out of your life. He has made a a fool out of you, he isn’t a good dad if he is bad mouthing you to your son. That is sick. Wake up.

Thank you for anyone that read my post and added a comment. It just made me realise what I already knew- it is over and the guy is a tight miser. He told me in the past that I am entitled so sometimes I was doubting myself.I couldn't check that in real life with people around me as I am embarrassed to ask and didn't want to feel sorry for myself.

I am going to go back full time and start looking for a flat and move on with my life :)

I must admit I have gone to therapist a few times last year to check whether this is ridiculous and she said exactly the same this as you all did. That this set up is simply crazy, he is trying to control me, and he does not sound like a guy for me. I stopped seeing her as I have realised she knows him and they share friends

The therapist is pretty unlikely to tell him anything about you if she says he is not the man for you. Get back in to therapy and get a home where you and your son can relax and live your life

Thank you. I was hoping to leave him, and then at some point go to another therapist as I wasn't comfortable talking to her once I realised they share very close friends. She told me he used money to control me. I know she was 100% right., I told him all that and he initially declined and said I fabricated the story to her. But then he came and apologised and said he is sorry but nothing changed.

I bet you'll have trouble getting any child maintenance out of him. Still, anything would be better than continuing with this unequal partnership.

Why in god’s name did you tell him what you had told to the therapist? Did you tell him who the therapist was?? He isn’t going to change.

At least you've realised he's an utter arsehole, which he obvo is, but so often on here women don't want to see it.

So that's great.

Now work on stashing as much money as you possibly can away to get out,

Get copies/photos of all hos financial documents you can.

See al lawyer. You might get more from him than you think.

Good luck, you've got this.

Oooh, one other thing, with my ex as soon as I realised how much I disliked him, took far too long!, it has got so much easier to communicate with him. Because I can't give a flying shit what he thinks of me. I used to want him to like me so I'd acquiesce so often. So, I now say exactly what I think and want at all times. Cos I have nothing to lose.

I'm so sorry OP. I've been reading through your thread. What a vile, poor excuse for a man.

I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world for this next phase. You can have a fresh start and be free of him. He can find another servant. You can enjoy life on your terms xx

I have a friend who was in a very similar situation. Her ex also built up a business and home while she looked after house, child and worked for free at the business. They have now split up and she has nothing. She is not entitled to any of his large pension that he also built up.
So sad. She is so angry with herself now. At least you have managed to save up. Get out quickly. X

Do not make any arrangements such as he gives you £25k and you will not claim Child Maintenance if you leave. Do NOT do this. This would just be adding yet another poor financial decision to your mix.

He has a child and he needs to pay money for that child. He already is not doing that and you are letting him. And here you are, already thinking of doing even worse going forward.

It is not as easy as you think, to hide money from CMS. Dividends are income, and ALL income is assessed for CM if you were to apply for it to be considered because he takes a small or zero salary from his business. It is a silly and dangerous MN myth that dividends are somehow magically exempt from CM calculations. In order to truly withhold money from CMS then he would have to not take dividends from his company.

If you need advice on any of this then speak to a decent solicitor.

And stop discussing your abuse with your abuser ffs. Do you imagine that he will suddenly realise what a prick he is and agree with you and change?

Do you have friends or family in real life that you can discuss things with? Abuse often flourishes because the abused hides the abuse even more than the abuser does.

Do you have a cohabitation agreement? My solicitor warned me not to live with a man without one as he would potentially have a claim against my property if we split, I think you should get legal advice especially given the length of your relationship. Good luck

I am so sorry for you OP this is abuse but he has conditioned you to think this is OK and is what you are worth.

I am rooting for you as you start your exit journey

You need to leave. I’d stop paying for the car, not take any more holidays with him, he can take your son away for a holiday and it will be like a holiday for you too, and get out asap. He won’t pay you £25k, he won’t pay you anything. Make sure you take your sons things , clothes bikes, games with you, as well as kitchen things and basics like towels. You’re the only one who has ever used the kitchen things anyway!

Coercive control. 40K is more than enough. Leave now.