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Original poster

Not another naive one

214 replies

Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 20:50

Hello! I am looking for an objective opinion as I can't ask in real life. Sorry, it is going to be a long one.

I am 37 and my ,partner' is 7 years older. I met him when I was 23 and I have made a tactical mistake of moving with him into is property when I was 25. Year later our child was born who is now 11. At the time he was still paying his mortgage, but he has been mortgage free for the last 5 years. It is a big detached 5 bedroom house.

Having a child was his idea, as he was desperate for a child. He talked me into it years ago but obviously I love my child and I don't regret this at all :) On the outside I have a great life- ,nice family', nice holidays, live in a big house, drive a nice car, ok job in finance (I work 30 hours a week WFH).

I have naively assumed years ago when I was younger that getting married was a natural part of us being together (how silly, I know !) and he has proposed to me when I was expecting but I think it was more to do with the fact that he was actively trying to persuade me to have another child soon after. He kept on saying let's have a second child first and then we will see about getting married. He kept on saying he is not getting married without having a 2nd child first , but I have luckily put my foot down and I said no. I said marriage first and then maybe we will see one day about the second child. And here we are years later. I wouldn't want a second child now anyway as I feel complete :)

I can't help but feel very resentful which has killed my love for this guy I think.

  1. Firstly, he kept on saying to our child that it is my fault he hasn't got siblings. It is not true. I kept on saying marriage first and then we will see. i am disgusted when he blames me for it.
  2. He has assets and a big house and he wouldn't ever put me on house deeds. I haven't contributed towards his mortgage so I totally understand it, but he wouldn't even entertain the idea of will or prenup in the past.
  3. I was the one / I am still the one doing all the boring every day drudgery jobs - school runs, all the cleaning, all the cooking. i just think he needed someone to pick up where mummy left off.
  4. For the first 5 years of our child's life I have only worked 1 day a week as he didn't want to pay for the nursery as it was expensive and he didn't want his child to be with strangers (His mum looked after our child). So while he was building his business I had not much money. He would kindly borrow me when I was running short but I needed to pay it back each time. Even though I was the one staying at home with the child.
  5. When our child started primary school I upped my hours as I have started to realise that it was very unhealthy and I needed to start taking care of my financial future as he was leaving me very vulnerable with no money. He wasn't over the moon that I upped my hours but he got over it.

I have not got £40k in savings and I think resentment killed me love for him and I am planning on leaving within next few years. We argue a lot as I feel so resentful. He called me a gold digger in the past as apparently I talk a lot about money to him. Only because I keep on saying to him that being unmarried leaves me in very vulnerable position for the future in case anything happens. He hates me talking about money. He has also called me a lodger a few times in the past. (I have also called him some nasty names in the arguments but lodger is a bit too much I think)

The thing is I don't even know why I talk to him about it. I don't even want to marry this guy anymore and I can't imagine my future with him. His domestic laziness, entitlement, he can't / doesn't want to cook. He won't do school runs and cook as he is paying the bills apparently.

For the record I buy all the food (circa £400-500 a month) and pay him towards gas and electricity and everything for our son, including school lunches (circa £80 a month) and all my expenses. I save the rest.. We go 50/50 to the penny on foreign holidays (we go 2-3 times a year).

He says I am lucky that I get to live with him apparently as lots of girls would love that. Ha

i think he sensed it that I am gaining my independence back and trying to go full time and planning my life without him so he is trying to be so nice and says he wants to spend his life with me, but I think resentment killed my love.

Do you think I sound entitled or do I have a right to feel so resentful ?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 23:38

Thank you for your comments. I have taken them all on board and you might be right . I might be going to see a lawyer. He only pays himself £2k a month and his business is struggling. But he has considerable assets, I think circa £150k in his business and personal account plus house worth circa £470k.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 23:39

Yet he is playing poor to me. He complained about buying me 2 glasses of wine in the pub for £4 each

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 23:43

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 23:03

Why in god’s name did you tell him what you had told to the therapist? Did you tell him who the therapist was?? He isn’t going to change.

Show quote history

Yes it was silly to tell him what therapist told me but I couldn't help myself. I wanted him to take some blame for this crappy relationship. He apologised and said that he was not fair to me , but nothing changed. In fact he got even tighter money wise

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 23:46

Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 23:43

Yes it was silly to tell him what therapist told me but I couldn't help myself. I wanted him to take some blame for this crappy relationship. He apologised and said that he was not fair to me , but nothing changed. In fact he got even tighter money wise

Show quote history

Course he did. He was punishing you. Stop telling him anything and get out of their asap.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 23:49

Just to answer above questions we haven't got cohabitation agreement , no nothing, and the reason I came on mumsnet is because I was too embrassed to talk to my friends as on the outside my life looks really rosy and I didn't want them to know the truth as I didnt want sympathy. My mum knows but I think she is from disfunctional family so she thinks I am lucky. But thank you soo much, I will leave him as it is over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 23:51

I have a feeling he might go 50/50 on looking after our son to try to avoid paying child maintenance . Oh I have been silly. Please tell me 37 is not too late to start again

OP posts:
Haffiana · 07/02/2023 23:52

The embarrassment and shame are his, OP. Stop hiding his dirty little secrets for him. Tell your friends. Let the light in, because it will help you see exactly what is there as well as let your friends see.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 23:54

Haffiana · 07/02/2023 23:52

The embarrassment and shame are his, OP. Stop hiding his dirty little secrets for him. Tell your friends. Let the light in, because it will help you see exactly what is there as well as let your friends see.

Thank you. They keep on asking why we aren't married and he just goes quiet and laughs and I keep on thinking you disgusting little man. His time is up. I needed this. Thank you

OP posts:
mrsfollowill · 07/02/2023 23:55

You are so fortunate to have the savings you have -run away asap! what an arsehole he is. I have a friend who's DH paid for everything 'in cash' - no assets whatsoever on paper- she tried to leave him a few times but ends up going back to him as he has all the money and holds all the cards- she has put up with all sorts- he goes on holiday with his nubile young women 'friends'
Walk out of that door now and fuck him and the horse he rode in on!

cpphelp · 07/02/2023 23:57

Does he know about your savings? If not, DONT tell him

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 23:58

cpphelp · 07/02/2023 23:57

Does he know about your savings? If not, DONT tell him

He knows I have a bit. Maybe £20k or so but he doesn't know I have £40k

OP posts:
Minteraye · 08/02/2023 00:00

Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:18

Here comes the bad bit. He bought me a nice car to drive a few years ago- but he got it invoiced in his name. I have to pay him depreciation £150 every month as it loses it's value so for when it is time to sell it he doesn't want to loose out on the value of the car too much. This is not family isn't ?

😧

canfor · 08/02/2023 00:00

He sounds horrible.

You know in your heart of hearts that he will not play fair. He won't be giving you £25k and he won't be paying child maintenance. So stop paying that £150 for the car now. Stop paying toward gas and electric. Save your money and feather your nest....it's what he has done after all - and at your expense.

Get out as soon as you can, no point in trying to change who he is.

I predict he will find a replacement for you relatively quickly - someone to act as a lodger with benefits.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 08/02/2023 00:01

I think he tells me he has me where he wanted but I have been planning leaving him for a while. Thank you agin all your comments. I feel sorry for anyone that will ever go out with him.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 00:02

Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 23:51

I have a feeling he might go 50/50 on looking after our son to try to avoid paying child maintenance . Oh I have been silly. Please tell me 37 is not too late to start again

Without you there to do the donkey work there is zero chance he will want 50/50. He will threaten it to be a dick and try to hold on to his precious money but just keep remembering there is no chance of it happening. How old is your son now anyway? Get copies of any of his bank statements you can to show income, etc.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 08/02/2023 00:02

Sorry I meant to say he thinks he has me where he wanted

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 08/02/2023 00:03

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 00:02

Without you there to do the donkey work there is zero chance he will want 50/50. He will threaten it to be a dick and try to hold on to his precious money but just keep remembering there is no chance of it happening. How old is your son now anyway? Get copies of any of his bank statements you can to show income, etc.

Show quote history

Our child is 11 and in the first year of secondary school so childcare is pretty easy now

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 08/02/2023 00:04

I won't be able to get any copies of statements etc as he always hidden all passwords online and told me not to look. I know, how ridiculous. What a miser

OP posts:
Minteraye · 08/02/2023 00:06

I have read your thread OP and – I hate him.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 08/02/2023 00:07

Minteraye · 08/02/2023 00:06

I have read your thread OP and – I hate him.

Thank you so much. I started to hate him too a few years ago as resentment has build up in me over the years .

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 00:09

Newyearnewme2023 · 08/02/2023 00:03

Our child is 11 and in the first year of secondary school so childcare is pretty easy now

Show quote history

He is approaching the age that he will be asked in any dispute over residency where he wants to spend most of his time, so it’s not just as simple as your ex saying I want 50/50. 11 is still very far from independent and by the sound of it your ex does f all. He isn’t going to start now.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 08/02/2023 00:12

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 00:09

He is approaching the age that he will be asked in any dispute over residency where he wants to spend most of his time, so it’s not just as simple as your ex saying I want 50/50. 11 is still very far from independent and by the sound of it your ex does f all. He isn’t going to start now.

Show quote history

He has got his mummy to help him as she leaves in the same city. He is her only child too . In fact she used to iron his shirts up to recently. I know our child loves him dearly, and they have great relationship but our child tells me that no lady will last long with dad as he is selfish and he will regret once I am gone. Our child is only 11 and tells me that

OP posts:
canfor · 08/02/2023 00:14

I wouldn't get hung up on the 50 50, because he runs his own company, he will end up hiding money so that he doesn't have to pay much or any maintenance. He sounds lazy so even if he fought for and got 50 50 he wouldn't really want it, 11 year olds need dinner cooked for them, clothes cleaned, beds changed, assistance with homework. He doesn't sound the type to get stuck into that and your son will not feel at home if he slacks off.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 08/02/2023 00:16

canfor · 08/02/2023 00:14

I wouldn't get hung up on the 50 50, because he runs his own company, he will end up hiding money so that he doesn't have to pay much or any maintenance. He sounds lazy so even if he fought for and got 50 50 he wouldn't really want it, 11 year olds need dinner cooked for them, clothes cleaned, beds changed, assistance with homework. He doesn't sound the type to get stuck into that and your son will not feel at home if he slacks off.

Yes, he won't cook so he will try it to take him to his mum for dinner. She has spoiled him and did everything for him. He is useless and once we had child it was obvious but I was young and stupid. Now it's time to rectify it

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 08/02/2023 00:18

I think he will want our child to live in a decent place so he will have to pay up

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