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Original poster

Not another naive one

214 replies

Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 20:50

Hello! I am looking for an objective opinion as I can't ask in real life. Sorry, it is going to be a long one.

I am 37 and my ,partner' is 7 years older. I met him when I was 23 and I have made a tactical mistake of moving with him into is property when I was 25. Year later our child was born who is now 11. At the time he was still paying his mortgage, but he has been mortgage free for the last 5 years. It is a big detached 5 bedroom house.

Having a child was his idea, as he was desperate for a child. He talked me into it years ago but obviously I love my child and I don't regret this at all :) On the outside I have a great life- ,nice family', nice holidays, live in a big house, drive a nice car, ok job in finance (I work 30 hours a week WFH).

I have naively assumed years ago when I was younger that getting married was a natural part of us being together (how silly, I know !) and he has proposed to me when I was expecting but I think it was more to do with the fact that he was actively trying to persuade me to have another child soon after. He kept on saying let's have a second child first and then we will see about getting married. He kept on saying he is not getting married without having a 2nd child first , but I have luckily put my foot down and I said no. I said marriage first and then maybe we will see one day about the second child. And here we are years later. I wouldn't want a second child now anyway as I feel complete :)

I can't help but feel very resentful which has killed my love for this guy I think.

  1. Firstly, he kept on saying to our child that it is my fault he hasn't got siblings. It is not true. I kept on saying marriage first and then we will see. i am disgusted when he blames me for it.
  2. He has assets and a big house and he wouldn't ever put me on house deeds. I haven't contributed towards his mortgage so I totally understand it, but he wouldn't even entertain the idea of will or prenup in the past.
  3. I was the one / I am still the one doing all the boring every day drudgery jobs - school runs, all the cleaning, all the cooking. i just think he needed someone to pick up where mummy left off.
  4. For the first 5 years of our child's life I have only worked 1 day a week as he didn't want to pay for the nursery as it was expensive and he didn't want his child to be with strangers (His mum looked after our child). So while he was building his business I had not much money. He would kindly borrow me when I was running short but I needed to pay it back each time. Even though I was the one staying at home with the child.
  5. When our child started primary school I upped my hours as I have started to realise that it was very unhealthy and I needed to start taking care of my financial future as he was leaving me very vulnerable with no money. He wasn't over the moon that I upped my hours but he got over it.

I have not got £40k in savings and I think resentment killed me love for him and I am planning on leaving within next few years. We argue a lot as I feel so resentful. He called me a gold digger in the past as apparently I talk a lot about money to him. Only because I keep on saying to him that being unmarried leaves me in very vulnerable position for the future in case anything happens. He hates me talking about money. He has also called me a lodger a few times in the past. (I have also called him some nasty names in the arguments but lodger is a bit too much I think)

The thing is I don't even know why I talk to him about it. I don't even want to marry this guy anymore and I can't imagine my future with him. His domestic laziness, entitlement, he can't / doesn't want to cook. He won't do school runs and cook as he is paying the bills apparently.

For the record I buy all the food (circa £400-500 a month) and pay him towards gas and electricity and everything for our son, including school lunches (circa £80 a month) and all my expenses. I save the rest.. We go 50/50 to the penny on foreign holidays (we go 2-3 times a year).

He says I am lucky that I get to live with him apparently as lots of girls would love that. Ha

i think he sensed it that I am gaining my independence back and trying to go full time and planning my life without him so he is trying to be so nice and says he wants to spend his life with me, but I think resentment killed my love.

Do you think I sound entitled or do I have a right to feel so resentful ?!

OP posts:
Restinggoddess · 07/02/2023 21:56

Get some legal advice about your situation as an unmarried partner.
You have been treated very badly - get out as soon as you can

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:57

I have discussed splitting up numerous times and he says I have ruined his life as I have apparently strung him along for years ?! He says he wanted a real family for life and I am talking about living and being horrible to him. I must admit I am nasty to him sometimes as I am so resentful

OP posts:
WhatWhereWhenHowWhy · 07/02/2023 21:57

Get the car sold if you can and get a cheaper one bought so you don't have to pay £150 (or save up extra for a runaround car to factor in when you leave and give the car back)

You've been so wise to save up £40000, that was a good choice and gives you options.

I wouldn't hang around personally, you may not be able to afford a big fancy house but you'll get a deposit on a nice house and can claim CMS asap. You'll have freedom and your youth left, time with your lovely DC and maybe even a bit of time to yourself if he is decent in any way and has DC a couple of days a week.

category12 · 07/02/2023 21:57

What a shit - can you sell the car? or stop using it and tell him to get rid of it? You'd be better off buying your own runaround than giving him £150 a month for the use of it, surely?

He's awful. Leave him as soon as you can.

RandomMess · 07/02/2023 21:57

So emotional abuse to keep you stuck

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:59

I don't think I have any rights as I have never paid towards the house and he almost owned it outright by the time we meet. The thing is I was never grubby - I was happy to have a prenup or at least a will. But nope. He wants to be together for life apparently without any of that

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 22:01

Yes. I looked into getting a car in my name and giving him this car back as a few times during a heated argument he asked for car key back

OP posts:
category12 · 07/02/2023 22:02

Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:59

I don't think I have any rights as I have never paid towards the house and he almost owned it outright by the time we meet. The thing is I was never grubby - I was happy to have a prenup or at least a will. But nope. He wants to be together for life apparently without any of that

Well of course he does, he has everything he wants at no risk of having to share, and you have zero security.

Well done on saving £40K.

Isn't that enough to get you set up on your own? Are you putting it off?

TheShellBeach · 07/02/2023 22:02

Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 21:18

Here comes the bad bit. He bought me a nice car to drive a few years ago- but he got it invoiced in his name. I have to pay him depreciation £150 every month as it loses it's value so for when it is time to sell it he doesn't want to loose out on the value of the car too much. This is not family isn't ?

What do you think he'd say if you told him you weren't going to pay this any more?
Or if you told him you weren't going to pay for the food shopping any more?
Your post just demonstrates why women should insist on marriage if they have babies with men who are higher earners than themselves. Sorry, I know that isn't helpful.

RandomMess · 07/02/2023 22:03

He just wants a housekeeper and nanny that also pays her own way.

I would honestly move out asap.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 22:09

Yes I know I have been stupid.I have realised that as soon as our child was born and I think he became a bit financially abusive and possessive over his assets. So I have started to save up just in case.

I think I am putting it off because we get on well sometimes, we have a laugh and i can rely on him in other aspects of my life. But I think I no longer love him as a partner as resentment killed it. I wanted a normal family and this is not a normal setup.

So I am trying to have at least £50k saved up and I have mentioned to him that i want him to give me £25k if I was to leave

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 22:10

Yes, he 100% wants a housekeeper and nanny , and cook. But I decided I want a partner I can share my life with and sadly he is not the one it appears

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 07/02/2023 22:11

@Newyearnewme2023 what would the 25k be for? I mean, why would he give you this? I think that's pie in the sky thinking on your part personally.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 22:13

I wanted £25k to help me start off on my own as he got to build a business while I stayed at home for 5 years looking after a child while his asset doubled in price. He agreed he would give me £25k once I put deposit down on my own property but when it comes to me talking about it he says he loves me still. I think he would never give it to me though to have me trapped

OP posts:
category12 · 07/02/2023 22:13

Yeah, he won't give you £25K if you leave.

He's charging you for using the car, FGS. There's no way he'll give you a penny.

Dacadactyl · 07/02/2023 22:15

@Newyearnewme2023 I know, I thought you'd say something like that, but the thing is, this is not a man who has form for any sort of generosity.

This is why marriage is important.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 22:15

TheShellBeach · 07/02/2023 22:02

What do you think he'd say if you told him you weren't going to pay this any more?
Or if you told him you weren't going to pay for the food shopping any more?
Your post just demonstrates why women should insist on marriage if they have babies with men who are higher earners than themselves. Sorry, I know that isn't helpful.

Show quote history

I think he would say that I need to pay my way and I can't scrounge off him. And that if I want to drive a nice car I need to pay up. And if he pays the bills I need to buy food

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/02/2023 22:15

I'm confused as to why you think he would give you £25k he doesn't even pay for 50% of his own child's costs, after all you don't work full time to care for him and he still charges you!

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 22:17

RandomMess · 07/02/2023 22:15

I'm confused as to why you think he would give you £25k he doesn't even pay for 50% of his own child's costs, after all you don't work full time to care for him and he still charges you!

He suggested it that he owes me some money if I want to leave, but when it comes to it he says he loved me still

OP posts:
Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 22:19

For anyone reading this let my story be a cautionary tale. Always look after yourself financially

OP posts:
category12 · 07/02/2023 22:20

And if he pays the bills I need to buy food

But you're even paying towards bills and you're paying for everything for your son?

Make the jump, you'll probably be able to manage perfectly well financially without him. And he'd at least have to pay child support.

Money isn't everything - you've got to think about the example your child is being set and the atmosphere they're soaking up.

RandomMess · 07/02/2023 22:21

I think he says that to guilt you into staying tbh, I don't think he will pay up. Rather he will get nasty and vile.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 22:22

He is self employed so he gets paid in dividends so he will be able to cook his books and not pay child maintenance. I have told him £25k would be instead of child support

OP posts:
category12 · 07/02/2023 22:24

You'll be waiting for it a very long time.

Original poster
Newyearnewme2023 · 07/02/2023 22:24

category12 · 07/02/2023 22:20

And if he pays the bills I need to buy food

But you're even paying towards bills and you're paying for everything for your son?

Make the jump, you'll probably be able to manage perfectly well financially without him. And he'd at least have to pay child support.

Money isn't everything - you've got to think about the example your child is being set and the atmosphere they're soaking up.

Yes, I buy most of our son's clothes, cinema, fun money, his phone etc. With all the fairness he buys big ticket stuff- xbox, bike , play station, bed etc so in all fairness he pays too

OP posts: