Husband infiltrated group Whatsapp

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I'm on a group Whatsapp with three other friends. I had a phone call from one of them asking if I was free on a particular date and I'm not, we chatted about other possibilities and I've got loads on so she suggested I let them all know when I wasn't available to work around it, so I did.

A message appeared tonight clearly written by one friend's husband. Three of us are single.

He started off trying to wind me up about football as he supports a rival team and he's obsessed. They've come home from holiday early so he doesn't miss a game. The message went on suggesting I'm not a proper supporter because I don't hold a season ticket and suggesting I've not been to the matches since 1999 which is untrue. (The reason I couldn't make one date is I'm going to football with another friend) The message goes on:

You have never bothered since 1999.Why change habits of so long .Much more enjoyable lunching with M, S and W. Maybe they have some important dates too? Compromise is usually best as it could get tricky if there are 4 lists?

This sounds like I'm expecting everyone to work around me and I'm not. But what it has to do with him I've no idea I'm not at all happy he's muscling in on group Whatsapp chat! He's somehow got hold of her phone. It's definitely him not her.

I'm not sure what I'm going to say, it's bloody bizarre.

How awkward.

Not the main point here i realise, but given your groups difficulties finding common dates it strikes me the simplest way to handle this would be by doodle poll - you just enter all possible dates, send out the link and invitees fill in whether each date will or won't work for them.

Oh my lord if this is right then he is so awfully crossing the line (not that he wasn’t anyway).

in your shoes I’d be tempted to just call the friend, hopefully at a time he is less likely to be with her and talk it though.

Id also be tempted to respond in the group something along the lines of “Niel this is a private group for us 4. We are adults and able to manage our own diaries without your input”.

A PP suggested and was right that he had deleted the message from W's phone after sending it. Tosser!

What's the background to this friendship group, OP? It seems your friend is the only one who is currently married/in a couple although you have socialised as couples before. Did you know your friend before she met this guy? If you are a long-standing group of female friends, it makes his attempt to barge in and stomp around on your relationships with eachother even worse. I've re-read what he said. That's not just a bit of football banter maybe sent after a drink or too when he grabbed her phone from her and sent a stupid message for 'a laugh'. There's a nasty tone, it's directed at you personally, and she didn't know anything about it.
It's not good. Definitely arrange through other means to see her on her own and reassure her no need to be mortified and let her know you are all there for her. And put something short and firm on the chat as a PP suggested to make it clear he should butt out.

Oh no, so she had no clue? What a twat he is!

God she must be so embaressed and furious with him.

I've been friends with one of the group (single friend, M) for the longest, since we lived on the same road in our 20s, I am 42 now, she is 37. M was friends with W already, same age as her, she was newly married to 'Neil' in her early 20s. He's two years younger than her, they met at university. S became friends with W through her ex, who was 'Neil's friend (who she kicked out for cheating). So, W was married to 'Neil' when I got to know her. When I was in a relationship we occasionally socialised together with other couples and he was always acting foolish.

This whole thread has made me reflect, W has said that she's lost a few friends over the years, and I bet it is through him, and these are longstanding friends from "Before Neil". Makes me think. We'll definitely be there for her.

He's been a twat towards me personally, true, but I think it's exposed his dark underbelly too.

They always do OP

Arrange a meeting for you all on a day and time where he can't attend, better still, arrange it verbally and tell her to keep it to herself. He's absolutely trying to cut her off from you all. Tell her not to be embarrassed, you know it's him, not her.
What a sad little man he is

The thing is, we now know what he's like, really. Pieces of the jigsaw are falling into place, all his controlling about football, must come home early for the match from holidays, football ruling everything, all the teasing and joking and banter, all to disguise what an utter &%$£?<>!!! he is.

The other two women have said things about him in the past being irritating but nothing like this. We care for our friend, so nothing he can do can stop that.

I'm really glad she has you, and the other friends. My approach at a similar age is to find a good time and mention any worrying traits of a partner to my friend one to one, from a position of "I saw this was happening and it made me worry that it might make you unhappy, does it?" Then at least they know that they're not going mad, and they know you're looking out for them.

I still think talking to her about it could make a difference. He's probably told her all sorts about how shite and worthless she is and how she needs him.

Just be careful if any of you try to talk to her about him/this. There is every chance she doesn't recognise him as being controlling, so if people start "confronting" her with it, she might push back and withdraw. Especially if she thinks you talk about her or pity her or dislike the husband she loves. In these types of situations it is often best to just be there and wait for the person to come to you when they start to realise.

She has said that if she could turn the clock back she wouldn't marry him, but not with any real force, just in passing. We just took that to mean that was because he is a pain in the arse.

What a prick. Can you delete his message?

Your next get together with the girls needs to be an escape committee meeting. Your friend needs help to get away from her controlling creepy unfunny dick head husband.

So she's in her late 30s and has been with this charmer since university. Do they have children? If not, does she want children? If so, does she really want them with him?

If she's said, even in passing, that she wouldn't marry him if she could turn the clock back, she is wishing she wasn't with him.

@SmallBrush no, no children, she once said that's by choice but not sure if that's a joint decision or his. She's already got an almost 36year old child as it is!

She's already got an almost 36year old child as it is.

Yup. Except that he's also an unpleasant and controlling arse. And one that she can leave while she still has time to have kids if that's what she really wants.
**

It makes me so mad. I left my ex because of constant sniping, pulling faces, moaning, criticism and put downs. One of those was that I'm me me me and selfish so this arse has touched a nerve, got me wondering if my ex was right. But the friend from the group who spoke to me today said they're both twats!

"Unless you've explicitly asked for absolute secrecy it is better to assume that long term partners and husbands of friends know the big details of stuff that is going on. Many couple share stuff like this as part of pillow talk."

Re this quote from another poster above, I was in my late thirties before I realised this happened. My close childhood friends and I never shared private "between us" stuff with partners and I just assumed everyone had the same girl code. Was rather horrified when I discovered many later friends told their husbands everything. And I mean everything. Embarrassing!

I'm still not comfortable with it to be honest. Rather than have to specifically request privacy, I'd rather it was the norm to be confidential and you have to ask to share!

@Theonlyone67 Nothing you share with anyone is ever private, written or spoken. My close friends discuss everything with their husbands as do I so if you want something to truly be private don’t share it with anyone

See, I find that sad. So I can never have a deep heart to heart with my best friends because their husbands will hear about it? When it's nothing to do with them as we as women don't have the same level of trust and friendship with them as with our chosen friends?

Nope. We respect each others privacy and do not share details with partners. Means we can be honest without having to avoid Dave's eye over the BBQ.

In sincerely doubt anyone’s partner would sit rapt to a verbatim regurgitation of a heart to heart between their partner and their friend. Of course spouses talk about their friends. Maybe not all details but I think you’d be surprised.

Every new thing we hear about Thundertwat makes him sound worse and worse.

Your poor friend - sounds like she's just been worn down by it over the years. I expect he thinks he's hilarious and that everyone else is stupid. Unfortunately I've met the type before - fortunately one hasn't attached its parasitic self to me or any of my friends.

Well you know the perfect gift for her next birthday - a couple of hours with a divorce lawyer.