Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband infiltrated group Whatsapp

211 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/02/2023 22:46

I'm on a group Whatsapp with three other friends. I had a phone call from one of them asking if I was free on a particular date and I'm not, we chatted about other possibilities and I've got loads on so she suggested I let them all know when I wasn't available to work around it, so I did.

A message appeared tonight clearly written by one friend's husband. Three of us are single.

He started off trying to wind me up about football as he supports a rival team and he's obsessed. They've come home from holiday early so he doesn't miss a game. The message went on suggesting I'm not a proper supporter because I don't hold a season ticket and suggesting I've not been to the matches since 1999 which is untrue. (The reason I couldn't make one date is I'm going to football with another friend) The message goes on:

You have never bothered since 1999.Why change habits of so long .Much more enjoyable lunching with M, S and W. Maybe they have some important dates too? Compromise is usually best as it could get tricky if there are 4 lists?

This sounds like I'm expecting everyone to work around me and I'm not. But what it has to do with him I've no idea I'm not at all happy he's muscling in on group Whatsapp chat! He's somehow got hold of her phone. It's definitely him not her.

I'm not sure what I'm going to say, it's bloody bizarre.

OP posts:
Saturdaynoon · 07/02/2023 06:36

He's controlling and she is not in a good place with this.

Please stay friends with her, off the group chat, keep meeting up with her when she can. She's probably in denial, but it may dawn on her eventually and she'll need friends around her.

If you feel you can, it would be good to sit her down and point out that it's not normal. Depends on whether she's ready to hear it.

plumduck · 07/02/2023 06:39

Is it possible your friend is pissed off at the schedule revolving around you all the time? And asked him for help?

If not then yeah approach her casually.

Zanatdy · 07/02/2023 06:44

I’d be writing back commenting on his football obsession. Cutting short a holiday for football. Sounds like my ex. Reason he’s an ex! Well not that, plenty of reasons but his football obsession didn’t paint him in a good light. Literally pushing midwife’s to discharge me after DS was born so he could watch the match. No nice welcome home son, just dumped the car seat down and started watching. No doubt DS, now 18 would find that amusing as he’s got him the same. He’s not as bad though, if he did that to his future wife I’d be raging

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 06:45

plumduck · 07/02/2023 06:39

Is it possible your friend is pissed off at the schedule revolving around you all the time? And asked him for help?

If not then yeah approach her casually.

It doesn't revolve around me all the time. All four of us have a lot of commitments. The married friend had suggested a date and the other friend called me to discuss. I couldn't make that, and she (one of the single friends) couldn't make others that I suggested. So she asked me to send the group dates I'm not available.

Even if she is pissed off she should tell me that not him. Of course they can all go out without me if I can't make a particular date.

OP posts:
Theonlyone67 · 07/02/2023 06:47

No point approaching her about it unless you just want to tell her that he’s replied, if you start interfering with their relationship then ultimately you will be cut off. Maybe just mention that he’s replied & that you don’t understand why he feels the need to as it’s weird

MeridianB · 07/02/2023 06:49

Do you think he might be controlling/abusing her, OP?

Reading her phone, interacting on message groups, showing up uninvited with her, preventing her from attending your birthday?

On face value, he appears to be an irritating arse, but the bigger picture would make me concerned.

plumduck · 07/02/2023 06:51

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 06:45

It doesn't revolve around me all the time. All four of us have a lot of commitments. The married friend had suggested a date and the other friend called me to discuss. I couldn't make that, and she (one of the single friends) couldn't make others that I suggested. So she asked me to send the group dates I'm not available.

Even if she is pissed off she should tell me that not him. Of course they can all go out without me if I can't make a particular date.

Show quote history

Yeah he's a controlling ass then. Keep an eye on your friend x

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 06:51

MeridianB · 07/02/2023 06:49

Do you think he might be controlling/abusing her, OP?

Reading her phone, interacting on message groups, showing up uninvited with her, preventing her from attending your birthday?

On face value, he appears to be an irritating arse, but the bigger picture would make me concerned.

I do now. I've always thought he's an irritating arse but now I think there's more under the surface. She does complain about him

He's always thought himself really funny kaughs at his own jokes etc.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 07/02/2023 06:56

I do think this sounds more like him being fed up of her moaning about you and not telling you you're bothering her, to be honest.

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 07/02/2023 06:59

He has so much ego he feels he needs to control your group by making his presence felt.

His arrogance has just done your friend a massive favour.

Please keep her close.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 06:59

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 06:56

I do think this sounds more like him being fed up of her moaning about you and not telling you you're bothering her, to be honest.

Where do you get that from?

OP posts:
gettingalifttothestation · 07/02/2023 07:04

Omg I'd be so annoyed. What a little twat he is. Block him if you can

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 07:15

gettingalifttothestation · 07/02/2023 07:04

Omg I'd be so annoyed. What a little twat he is. Block him if you can

It's his wife's phone he's used. I don't have him in my contacts. I'm wondering whether to contact the other two separately or not.

OP posts:
PrincessConstance · 07/02/2023 07:18

You have never bothered since 1999. Why change habits of so long?Much more enjoyable lunching with M, S and W. Maybe they have some important dates too? Compromise is usually best as it could get tricky if there are 4 lists?

Are you sure it's not your friend talking to her husband, and she has given him her phone? He's then made a direct dig at you!

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 07:20

PrincessConstance · 07/02/2023 07:18

You have never bothered since 1999. Why change habits of so long?Much more enjoyable lunching with M, S and W. Maybe they have some important dates too? Compromise is usually best as it could get tricky if there are 4 lists?

Are you sure it's not your friend talking to her husband, and she has given him her phone? He's then made a direct dig at you!

My friend is usually quite straight talking. She'd tell me herself. She's also not interested in football herself.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 07/02/2023 07:21

I'd ignore him. Could he have been drunk and messing around? Weird behaviour!

Newtonsnipple · 07/02/2023 07:27

I definitely understand the knee jerk reaction to say something angry/insulting to him but I’d be worried this was a display of abusive behaviour. It would be satisfying. But any retaliation to him might mean a very bad evening for her.

Can you get hold of her on anything except WhatsApp to checks she’s ok? I think I’d be describing what he’s doing as very odd, asking if she is ok and offering to be there for her whenever she needed to talk.

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 07:28

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron the fact he's specifically tried to wind you up suggests he's irritated. Given he's then made out everyone's plans revolve around you, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to connect the dots.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 07:28

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 07:28

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron the fact he's specifically tried to wind you up suggests he's irritated. Given he's then made out everyone's plans revolve around you, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to connect the dots.

It's nothing to do with him. He's not invited!

OP posts:
Zonder · 07/02/2023 07:30

Has anyone replied to him? I'd hope one of the others would come to your defence.

mincedtart · 07/02/2023 07:33

I also get the impression your friend’s been bitching about you to him and he’s gone “right give me the phone,” and decided to reply on her behalf

PrincessConstance · 07/02/2023 07:33

mincedtart · 07/02/2023 07:33

I also get the impression your friend’s been bitching about you to him and he’s gone “right give me the phone,” and decided to reply on her behalf

This.☝
100 percent.

mincedtart · 07/02/2023 07:34

I just don’t really believe that if he’s abusive and coercive, he’d be trying to make you go on a night out with his wife. Those guys usually do the opposite!

Howtoberight · 07/02/2023 07:34

I talk about things on group chat with friends I wouldn't want their partners to see. I think this is a real betrayal of trust. Have none of the others said anything about it? His message shows he's an absolute dickhead.

Oodieoodieoodie · 07/02/2023 07:34

We had this and everyone posted gifs ‘danger’ man in chat ‘alert’ we’ve been infiltrated… it was quite funny, he got the idea and ran down the hills!