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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband infiltrated group Whatsapp

211 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/02/2023 22:46

I'm on a group Whatsapp with three other friends. I had a phone call from one of them asking if I was free on a particular date and I'm not, we chatted about other possibilities and I've got loads on so she suggested I let them all know when I wasn't available to work around it, so I did.

A message appeared tonight clearly written by one friend's husband. Three of us are single.

He started off trying to wind me up about football as he supports a rival team and he's obsessed. They've come home from holiday early so he doesn't miss a game. The message went on suggesting I'm not a proper supporter because I don't hold a season ticket and suggesting I've not been to the matches since 1999 which is untrue. (The reason I couldn't make one date is I'm going to football with another friend) The message goes on:

You have never bothered since 1999.Why change habits of so long .Much more enjoyable lunching with M, S and W. Maybe they have some important dates too? Compromise is usually best as it could get tricky if there are 4 lists?

This sounds like I'm expecting everyone to work around me and I'm not. But what it has to do with him I've no idea I'm not at all happy he's muscling in on group Whatsapp chat! He's somehow got hold of her phone. It's definitely him not her.

I'm not sure what I'm going to say, it's bloody bizarre.

OP posts:
HyacinthineMacaw · 07/02/2023 09:27

smileladiesplease · 07/02/2023 09:25

I think it's a huge leap to controlling.

I think she's angry with you always being busy. He's a twat to involve himself like this but I know from these type of groups if one person is always busy and can't make any dates it's annoying but we meet up without the busy one.

Maybe you should reassess who you really want to spend time with snd who you don't.

b better for both of you really

But OP has said that they all are busy and so arranging dates isn’t easy for any of them.

Even so, this man has no right to insert himself into the conversation and provide comment on the validity of the OP’s reasons for changing the date, or taking away his wife’s agency to make her own response. That is the concerning part here - not the matter of the dates.

BessieSurtees · 07/02/2023 09:29

I don't understand the thread why don't you just call your friend and say do you know your DH has sent a message?

Or reply to the message saying who is this or have we been hacked? And then if he has deleted his message she will see your message.

She has either mentioned that they have to rearrange around you, or he is reading all of her messages, either way why haven't you spoken to her?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2023 09:36

Why are some posters implying the OP is being difficult by having plans and forcing people to work around her? Surely that's a completely normal whatsapp chat, it certainly is on a lot of my groups chats 'anyone fancy meeting up on 7th?' 'No I'm away then how about 19th' 'I've got plans then, let's all post the dates we are busy over the next couple months and we will find one between us that works' type thing. Nowhere has the OP suggested she said she is busy so her friends cant meet without her!

Anyway I bet your friend is mortified. I'd ring her and ask about it but bearing in mind she probably wont speak when he is there

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/02/2023 09:37

Speak freely I mean

Saz12 · 07/02/2023 09:41

You need to call her direct I think. Check that she’s not frustrated about difficulty in arranging dates.

The whole “oooh, you’re not a PROPER fan” stuff sounds very like 13-year-olds arguing about who loves Bros the most. Im guessing your tickets are for a match of “his” team? He’s a childish dick.

I’d ignore, maybe start a new group called “private chat” or similar.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 09:42

smileladiesplease · 07/02/2023 09:25

I think it's a huge leap to controlling.

I think she's angry with you always being busy. He's a twat to involve himself like this but I know from these type of groups if one person is always busy and can't make any dates it's annoying but we meet up without the busy one.

Maybe you should reassess who you really want to spend time with snd who you don't.

b better for both of you really

We are ALL busy, not just me. This is why we have the bloody group in the first place! It's difficult for all of us to find a date.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 09:47

Lovinmyblanket · 07/02/2023 09:27

Would have been nicer if she'd replied in the group itself

Show quote history

I agree but she didn't want to upset our other friend. I think she is going to see her later today or tomorrow so she will mention how inappropriate he is.

OP posts:
smileladiesplease · 07/02/2023 09:50

So this is AIBU? So you read a post and with some it's an immediate yes or no.

With others it's nuanced. Is the dh a twat YES

Could he be a controlling twat maybe or equally and more likely the friend is fed up and bitched as the op said herself she's too busy to meet up!

Everyone is busy but if there's one that can never make it then it might be with worth looking at your friendships.

I am NOT saying the op is like this but sometimes you need a different perspective on a situation to see more clearly.

But yes he's a twat

smileladiesplease · 07/02/2023 09:51

I see your reply well that's fine and then yes it's unreasonable and needs sorting.

qazxc · 07/02/2023 09:53

That's bizarre behaviour, I couldn't imagine getting hold of DP's What's App and commenting on his arrangements for drinks with the lads.
I think your friend is right, the best response is no response, he is trying to get a rise from you so just ignore.

Pseudonamed · 07/02/2023 09:56

I would box my DPs ears if he dared look at my whatsapp messages let alone posted in one. What a twat.

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 09:58

OP how much do you trust these friends? I'd be wary of people messaging you about your other friends because if they do it to you they could do it about you.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 09:59

@smileladiesplease Just so you know, I work full time and have a small business outside work too and I go to the gym most evenings and am on two committees. The other friends do similar stuff, but the one who's married also has her husband to consider too of course. We don't live too far from each other (about a 6 mile radius) but we don't work near each other so can't meet after work, for example, for a drink.

We meet usually Saturdays for lunch or Fridays if we go to the pub or for dinner. One of us has a fab house with a conservatory and we often meet there for dinner too. So due to commitments in all our lives, they're the optimum times.

I've got plans on Saturdays and Fridays such as a full day craft workshop (paid for), a football match (paid for and involving the other party travelling 150 miles), another lunch with my long-term university friends planned, a theatre trip, a vintage fair and a jewellery workshop, plus a hair appointment. All planned, booked and paid for in advance.

I don't see how this is a reflection on our friendship or my value as a friend, or being too busy to meet. We all chat regularly on the phone. Perhaps next time we meet we get dates in the calendar for months ahead to avoid this situation. Then Neil can go stuff himself!!!

OP posts:
GoodChat · 07/02/2023 10:00

I'd also suggest that because the rest of you are single both parties of the married couple think you should fit around them, because some people are entitled like that.

DoomedForLoneliness · 07/02/2023 10:01

Eleganz · 07/02/2023 08:51

Unless you've explicitly asked for absolute secrecy it is better to assume that long term partners and husbands of friends know the big details of stuff that is going on. Many couple share stuff like this as part of pillow talk.

Show quote history

Sadly, this seems to be the case.

I’ve pretty much stopped trusting personal stuff with women who have bf’s/husbands.
Sad, but what can you do?

It’s worst when they say ”it’s okey, he doesn’t care/remember anywau”.
So you’d rather break my trust, for someone who doesn’t even care?
Thanks a lot.

DoomedForLoneliness · 07/02/2023 10:05

Moveoverdarlin · 07/02/2023 09:04

He could be controlling or in a bizarre way, he could be sticking up for her, it’s obvious what’s happened…your friend has said something like: ‘I’m trying to get a date in the diary to see the girls, I could really do with a girly catch-up but Saffron can never make it as she has so much on, so we never get a date sorted’. He’s then stuck his oar in and sent that message. It’s an idiotic thing to do. But I often feel like this, I’m at home with kids all day and I never ever go out anymore, my longstanding girlfriends can never get a date in the diary as one is so so busy. It leaves me depressed with nothing to look forward to. My husband completely agrees and often encourages me to see my mates and always says you’re friends are useless, they can’t organise a piss-up etc. He also says ‘just go without Karen, she’s the one that can never make it.’ But he doesn’t get the upset this could cause in a girly group. You never know, your friend may be gagging to have some fun or talk to you all about something and in a weird way her husband may be sorting it out like he would with his own mates, in a footy chat, piss take way.

This is a weird and selfish take on things.

It’s not anyone else’s fault you went and had kids and are bored now.

Find something to do, don’t put it on other’s.

You husband calling your friends useless is so rude.

WunWun · 07/02/2023 10:09

I would say "Sorry, is this Neil using Sarah's phone? Have you lost your mind?!"

Then I would speak to Sarah directly and tell her how inappropriate it is to betray your trust etc. Especially given the sharing of medical details etc - you obviously wouldn't have done that with Neil.

WunWun · 07/02/2023 10:11

Moveoverdarlin · 07/02/2023 09:04

He could be controlling or in a bizarre way, he could be sticking up for her, it’s obvious what’s happened…your friend has said something like: ‘I’m trying to get a date in the diary to see the girls, I could really do with a girly catch-up but Saffron can never make it as she has so much on, so we never get a date sorted’. He’s then stuck his oar in and sent that message. It’s an idiotic thing to do. But I often feel like this, I’m at home with kids all day and I never ever go out anymore, my longstanding girlfriends can never get a date in the diary as one is so so busy. It leaves me depressed with nothing to look forward to. My husband completely agrees and often encourages me to see my mates and always says you’re friends are useless, they can’t organise a piss-up etc. He also says ‘just go without Karen, she’s the one that can never make it.’ But he doesn’t get the upset this could cause in a girly group. You never know, your friend may be gagging to have some fun or talk to you all about something and in a weird way her husband may be sorting it out like he would with his own mates, in a footy chat, piss take way.

This doesn't sound like what the OP is talking about at all. This is you projecting your own issues on to things.

You have to be deranged to impersonate someone else on whatsapp.

Lookingoutside · 07/02/2023 10:11

HyacinthineMacaw · 06/02/2023 22:53

I’d write back and say ‘Fuck off, Neil. The little ladies are quite capable of managing their own diaries and relationships without a man interfering. I’m sure Deidre doesn’t need you to intervene to rescue her from the nasty women. Now get back in your shed’.

Cock.

Very very tempting. But, I don’t think your friend is safe with him.

Tell her you’re concerned for her and tell her his behaviour is potentially abusive and that you’re there for her.

Butchyrestingface · 07/02/2023 10:13

I had a friend/colleague with a partner like this (note use of word 'had'). He used to intervene in her professional communications so fuck knows what he did with her personal ones. Obnoxious, accusatory emails from her work email account, and I remember he didn't always identify himself as not-her, but it was obvious it was him as he wasn't a native English speaker.

The thing is - she didn't appear to mind.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/02/2023 10:15

@Naunet I'm not blaming the woman at all- if you casually have a bit of a moan (and please don't tell me women don't) then it's beyond my comprehension that a bloke would go on your phone and pass comment on a private group. But I would be amazed if a bloke did it just randomly off his own bat! Still there are some total tossers out there, maybe he's one!

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 10:27

@Crikeyalmighty He is a tosser. He's rocked up to one of our nights out, tried to muscle in on another, and when he took our friend on a cruise last summer came to dinner dressed in the full Huddersfield Town strip.

OP posts:
kittykarate · 07/02/2023 10:29

Best case he's a socially inept tosser who has jumped in 2 feet because his wife has complained that the social calendar is hard to sort, and expressed it in a way that blames only you for the problems because he has a personal beef.

Worst case he's a controlling tosser who has seen his chance to drive a wedge into the group, making it harder for his wife to maintain friendships.

Either way he's not coming off well.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 10:33

He's lost at least two jobs through attitude and incompetence and she's covered up for him socially, and I know that in a separate friendship group of couples he's made things difficult. I really feel for my friend now, more than I realised.

It was me that put all the dates in the WhatsApp, so he's seized the opportunity to cause trouble.

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 07/02/2023 10:34

Ah! Your friend needs support. I honestly cannot imagine even the biggest tossers I know doing that. She must be humongously embarrassed