Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband infiltrated group Whatsapp

211 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/02/2023 22:46

I'm on a group Whatsapp with three other friends. I had a phone call from one of them asking if I was free on a particular date and I'm not, we chatted about other possibilities and I've got loads on so she suggested I let them all know when I wasn't available to work around it, so I did.

A message appeared tonight clearly written by one friend's husband. Three of us are single.

He started off trying to wind me up about football as he supports a rival team and he's obsessed. They've come home from holiday early so he doesn't miss a game. The message went on suggesting I'm not a proper supporter because I don't hold a season ticket and suggesting I've not been to the matches since 1999 which is untrue. (The reason I couldn't make one date is I'm going to football with another friend) The message goes on:

You have never bothered since 1999.Why change habits of so long .Much more enjoyable lunching with M, S and W. Maybe they have some important dates too? Compromise is usually best as it could get tricky if there are 4 lists?

This sounds like I'm expecting everyone to work around me and I'm not. But what it has to do with him I've no idea I'm not at all happy he's muscling in on group Whatsapp chat! He's somehow got hold of her phone. It's definitely him not her.

I'm not sure what I'm going to say, it's bloody bizarre.

OP posts:
Redebs · 07/02/2023 07:37

Message the group telling your friend that it seems her phone seems to be being used by a ten year old boy. Kids can be so irritating at that age 😉

SkankingWombat · 07/02/2023 07:38

Is she able to answer her phone at work? I'd be trying to call at a time her husband is guaranteed not to be around to see if all is OK.

A bit off-topic, but have you tried meet-o-matic for working out a mutually agreeable date? Get the person with the most availability to set it up, then everyone else ticks which of those dates they can do. The website works out the best date. Much easier than date ping pong!

Mummyratbag · 07/02/2023 07:43

I may have woken up in a bad mood, but the level on mansplaining in that message has wound me up is something else ..."come on love leave the football to us men proper fans and you little ladies go and do something else." What a twat.

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 07:45

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron it's to do with him if his wife keeps making it his business

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 07:48

mincedtart · 07/02/2023 07:33

I also get the impression your friend’s been bitching about you to him and he’s gone “right give me the phone,” and decided to reply on her behalf

That's out of character for her. She's really plain speaking. I can't imagine that. There's no rule that we all have to go out together either. There's been occasions where one of us couldn't make it in the past and nights out and lunches have still gone ahead.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 07:51

@GoodChat if she was going to grumble she'd be more likely to do that with the other two women than him.

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 07/02/2023 07:51

Don't delete - that's playing right into his hands 'see, I told you your friends were flaky, they can't be bothered to sort a lunch date now they can't even be arsed to stay on the group chat. You're better off at home with me love, you can't trust anyone else.'

I'd send a jokey meme, keep it light. That calls him out in a low conflict way, going right in with a fuck off Neil message, though tempting, will lead to the above.

I'd assume that all her messages are monitored and act accordingly. Don't put anything private in a chat to her from now on, it will be used against you.

I'd potentially have a chat with the other friends.

I'd move hell and high water to see her soon and I'd let her know you're there for her, whatever, whenever. And become the most dogged, reliable friend ever (not suggesting you aren't, but I'd make a point with this one).

I'd read up on coercive control.

At best he's a mansplaining football obsessed arsehole who thinks the world revolves around him. At worst, he's controlling and abusive. Remember coercive control is an offence now.

ALittleBitAhAh · 07/02/2023 07:51

Has anybody else replied yet? Or messaged you separately? I'd be trying to meet up in person to talk to my friend.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 07:54

ALittleBitAhAh · 07/02/2023 07:51

Has anybody else replied yet? Or messaged you separately? I'd be trying to meet up in person to talk to my friend.

They're probably having the same reaction as me. Nobody has replied at all!

OP posts:
Coffeesnob11 · 07/02/2023 07:57

My exh would never have written anything but he was checking all my WhatsApp somehow. I worked out he was reading them from what he said so I started emailing people from an email he couldn't access and kept all WhatsApp super boring until I left. He will be more suspicious if you delete the group.

gamerchick · 07/02/2023 08:01

I think in this instance I would totally ignore what he posted and start a completely different conversation. These kind of people hate being ignored. Then I would have a chat with my friend in person the next time I see her.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/02/2023 08:06

Marblessolveeverything · 06/02/2023 23:16

Unfortunately I think it is very common. Don't rise to his bait keep it light. Meanwhile if you feel it's appropriate try talking to your friend to let her know there is support.

It took my friend a decade to eventually leave an abusive realtionship. We now can identify a lot of times where the dh manipulated her to try separate her from friends or supports.

Yes, please don't go back with an angry comment (tempting, though it is). That's exactly what he wants - he wants to separate her from her friends, and make her feel that she has no one other than him.

Either ignore completely or go back with something breezy, "thanks, Neil - I'll bear that in mind".

Calmdown14 · 07/02/2023 08:10

You need to play this one carefully.

If he is controlling then this is quite smart from his point of view. His wife has clearly had a little moan about trying to arrange dates so she'll know that you now know that.

He's also made it very banterish and about football.

This allows him to say you are over reacting, he was only trying to be friendly and it's just about football, no need to be so sensitive.

Meanwhile your friend feels a bit embarrassed that she's been mouthing off to him so distances herself a bit to 'let it blow over'.....and will probably be told 'she's in the wrong making such a massive issue out of this, let her apologise'. And suddenly your friendship isn't the same and slips away.

So I entirely agree that he's an arse but try to ignore him and concentrate on what is best for your friend (which is ignoring this and not reacting then carrying on as normal).
Ask about it face to face but not on text where he can see it and twist it to suit his version.

Hiddenvoice · 07/02/2023 08:12

I would agree with other pp and say she’s moaned about it with her husband and he’s typed a reply and she’s sent it. I know you say this is out of character but realistically most women moan about their friends to their partners, even about the smallest thing. I would say she’s annoyed that the date suits the other 3 and is upset that you’re going to football making them change the date. The fact that the others haven’t replied kind of makes me feel she’s mentioned it to them too and they maybe agree? I say this as if they thought it was an out of the blue reaction then surely one would reply and say any date suits them?

ZenNudist · 07/02/2023 08:14

Easiest pass agg solution is for everyone to ghost the thread.

Message your other friends separately saying you are happy to do x and y dates.

Explain to your other friend in person that if shes going to get her husband to reply for her telling everyone what to do then you don't really know where to go with that. Check that she is OK though.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 08:18

@Hiddenvoice They can still go out on that date, just without me. I wouldn't be upset about that. Well I would be, because I'm missing out, but it's a commitment I've bought tickets for along with another friend who's travelling 150 miles.

OP posts:
Minimalme · 07/02/2023 08:18

Agree he is displaying some strong indicators of coercive control there.

If your friend is going to stay with him, then this will continue to be a problem.

I couldn't have that and would have to end the friendship. I wouldn't want to be controlled by anyone, and your friend is allowing his to abuse you.

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 08:21

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 07:51

@GoodChat if she was going to grumble she'd be more likely to do that with the other two women than him.

That doesn't seem to be the case...

Minimalme · 07/02/2023 08:22

Also, I doubt your friend was moaning about you re:dates.

He wants you to think that so your friend is embarrassed. He is shutting you both down.

He is creepy and not to be trusted.

NeedToChangeName · 07/02/2023 08:24

mincedtart · 07/02/2023 07:33

I also get the impression your friend’s been bitching about you to him and he’s gone “right give me the phone,” and decided to reply on her behalf

@mincedtart Even if that's the case, he's still a jerk to reply

If I had a quick (unjustified) moan to my DP that friend A is expecting 3 of us to change our plans to suit her, my DP would just say "yeah, that's irritating" and forget all about it. He wouldn't be taking my phone and interfering

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 08:25

He's always been a bit stupid, really childish sense of humour and plays on his wife's name with quips that he's her bodyguard and so on. (Think song titles) it might be more sinister than jokes and I've taken on board what many of you have said about watching out for her.

OP posts:
ViVi77 · 07/02/2023 08:26

😂

Naunet · 07/02/2023 08:26

Hiddenvoice · 07/02/2023 08:12

I would agree with other pp and say she’s moaned about it with her husband and he’s typed a reply and she’s sent it. I know you say this is out of character but realistically most women moan about their friends to their partners, even about the smallest thing. I would say she’s annoyed that the date suits the other 3 and is upset that you’re going to football making them change the date. The fact that the others haven’t replied kind of makes me feel she’s mentioned it to them too and they maybe agree? I say this as if they thought it was an out of the blue reaction then surely one would reply and say any date suits them?

So you think it would be totally normal to moan about your friend to your husband, for your husband to then take your phone and wind your friend up, being pretty rude about it in a group chat, as some kind of revengeful not easily being able to find a lunch date that worked for the group?!

Who are these people acting like that’s normal behaviour? Far more likely he’s a controlling arse trying to ruin his wife’s friendship.

BTMadmummy · 07/02/2023 08:26

You can put a PIN code on What’s App that you need to put in before you can read any messages. Maybe your friend could do this?

SETTINGS > ACCOUNT > TWO STEP VERIFICATION

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 08:27

@NeedToChangeName I wasn't expecting three people to change plans. No plans were made. The married friend posited a potential date that didn't suit me because I'd got firm plans. I was then asked for alternatives.

OP posts: