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Original poster

Husband infiltrated group Whatsapp

211 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/02/2023 22:46

I'm on a group Whatsapp with three other friends. I had a phone call from one of them asking if I was free on a particular date and I'm not, we chatted about other possibilities and I've got loads on so she suggested I let them all know when I wasn't available to work around it, so I did.

A message appeared tonight clearly written by one friend's husband. Three of us are single.

He started off trying to wind me up about football as he supports a rival team and he's obsessed. They've come home from holiday early so he doesn't miss a game. The message went on suggesting I'm not a proper supporter because I don't hold a season ticket and suggesting I've not been to the matches since 1999 which is untrue. (The reason I couldn't make one date is I'm going to football with another friend) The message goes on:

You have never bothered since 1999.Why change habits of so long .Much more enjoyable lunching with M, S and W. Maybe they have some important dates too? Compromise is usually best as it could get tricky if there are 4 lists?

This sounds like I'm expecting everyone to work around me and I'm not. But what it has to do with him I've no idea I'm not at all happy he's muscling in on group Whatsapp chat! He's somehow got hold of her phone. It's definitely him not her.

I'm not sure what I'm going to say, it's bloody bizarre.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 10:41

When I was with my ex he used to say that my friend was "nuts". For example we were all round at this couple's and we were all shooed out quite early and he remarked on it saying they were a pair of nutcases. I think the husband was behind this.

Then my friend's husband lost his job, and my friend was embarrassed. I still don't know if she knew all the details or if he had told her his version of events, but I think there was some incompetence or irregularity. My ex was insistent my friend knew all about it and why and was in league with her husband. I think differently, even more so now.

She and I had a great day out in London the summer before lockdown, we went to Kensington Palace and out for lunch. We never stopped chatting all day. She might be controlled, even if subtly, or not knowing she's controlled. As I read in Why Does He Do That (driven there by my own ex!) you start to regulate your actions so as not to set them off.

OP posts:
wednesdaynamesep · 07/02/2023 10:47

He sounds a total creep OP. Slight aside, but I've found meeting polls really useful for bringing together a group of busy friends. I think I used Doodle in the past, but recently bookmarked this one to try.

https://whenavailable.com/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6q7pnp2DQIVTNTtCh0jZAlGEAAYASAAEgIBTPDD_BwE

TwinMama6 · 07/02/2023 11:07

HyacinthineMacaw · 06/02/2023 22:53

I’d write back and say ‘Fuck off, Neil. The little ladies are quite capable of managing their own diaries and relationships without a man interfering. I’m sure Deidre doesn’t need you to intervene to rescue her from the nasty women. Now get back in your shed’.

Cock.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌

SpookyBlackCat · 07/02/2023 11:12

Has the friend still not said anything. It’s so strange!

SlightlyJaded · 07/02/2023 11:14

Actually, I would compose a reply that I hope would embarrass him, a bit gas-lightly/passive-aggressive as well - jokey but not jokey... something along the lines of:

'Dave - you do know it's weird and controlling to join a WhatsApp chat between three girlfriends? Is friends name not allowed to have chats that plans that don't include you? I mean, I didn't have you down as that much of a twat (even if you do support a shit football team 😊).

Not quite rude enough for him to start on your friend or get nasty, but clearly calling him out.

GoldenCupidon · 07/02/2023 11:27

"Do you read the messages about my gynaecological problems too Neil, or just the ones about diary planning? Either way I think the four of us can sort it out between us thanks very much."

I had a different but not dissimilar situation where a friend's partner was messaging me privately but purporting to do it from both of them (e.g. "Jen and I would really appreciate it if you could do XYZ thing") I didn't have that relationship with him at all and knew he was taking the piss. what I did was email her (so he couldn't see it) and fake-innocently ask if her phone was broken and tell her about the messages. Obviously this case isn't the same but I would email her at work, or preferably talk to her face to face (not easy though) and ask if she's ok and pretend to think she's the one who's bothered about you being being available enoguh. When she tells you it's fine it's just Nigel being an idiot you can then try to meet up one to one or engage in a proper chat about why he's done this, how much of your messages he reads, and how she is.

smileladiesplease · 07/02/2023 11:38

Mmmmm seen your update and yes he's a creep who probably thinks he's terribly funny!

I wasn't criticising you op but trying to help see other sides. But agree he's a twat

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 12:26

Moveoverdarlin · 07/02/2023 09:04

He could be controlling or in a bizarre way, he could be sticking up for her, it’s obvious what’s happened…your friend has said something like: ‘I’m trying to get a date in the diary to see the girls, I could really do with a girly catch-up but Saffron can never make it as she has so much on, so we never get a date sorted’. He’s then stuck his oar in and sent that message. It’s an idiotic thing to do. But I often feel like this, I’m at home with kids all day and I never ever go out anymore, my longstanding girlfriends can never get a date in the diary as one is so so busy. It leaves me depressed with nothing to look forward to. My husband completely agrees and often encourages me to see my mates and always says you’re friends are useless, they can’t organise a piss-up etc. He also says ‘just go without Karen, she’s the one that can never make it.’ But he doesn’t get the upset this could cause in a girly group. You never know, your friend may be gagging to have some fun or talk to you all about something and in a weird way her husband may be sorting it out like he would with his own mates, in a footy chat, piss take way.

Are you this naive in real life? Why would the wife be inviting the husband to weigh in on her WhatsApp groups? Why would she need him to? It’s a total non issue that the OP cannot attend on a particular date. The gymnastics people contort themselves in to to stand up for pathetic men. Even if he isn’t a controller (unlikely) he is a pillock with no idea of social rules. This is a private group. He isn’t part of it.
Why can’t you get a date in the diary to meet your own friends all together? Surely if your friend is super busy the solution is you meet when she is available and your husband looks after the children? Husbands bad mouthing friends is rarely a good thing. What’s he doing to make it easier for you to meet them? I mean you are maybe cutting your nose off a bit, if one of you can’t go the rest of you still can? How often does he get out?

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:31

One of the other women in the group has been in touch to say that the other friend, who she spoke to this morning, knew zero about it and she was mortified. She didn't know how to respond to the group.

OP posts:
LadyLaLaa · 07/02/2023 12:35

If it's 'your' group, can you delete just him? Also, there used to be an option where only the message starter and no one else could add people, not sure if that's still an option.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:36

LadyLaLaa · 07/02/2023 12:35

If it's 'your' group, can you delete just him? Also, there used to be an option where only the message starter and no one else could add people, not sure if that's still an option.

He isn't in the group. He grabbed his wife's phone and sent the message as if it came from her.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 12:46

Has she spoken to her husband?

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 07/02/2023 12:46

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:31

One of the other women in the group has been in touch to say that the other friend, who she spoke to this morning, knew zero about it and she was mortified. She didn't know how to respond to the group.

So the "other friend" - is she cock man's wife? (Sorry getting confused.)

NoDairyNoProblem · 07/02/2023 12:48

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:31

One of the other women in the group has been in touch to say that the other friend, who she spoke to this morning, knew zero about it and she was mortified. She didn't know how to respond to the group.

I bet she is, however like you I think it sounds like there’s something deeper going on.

I would be reluctant to put anything of note in the chat/text to this friend as I fear she has no privacy.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:53

@iwantmyownicecreamvan My friend S messaged this morning and said that he is a twat, also that she is seeing his wife, W, later today, and thinks W hasn't responded because he's made her look stupid in front of her friends, she's just mortified and doesn't know how to handle it.

OP posts:
LadyLaLaa · 07/02/2023 12:58

Sorry, I misread it 🤦🏼‍♀️

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 12:59

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:53

@iwantmyownicecreamvan My friend S messaged this morning and said that he is a twat, also that she is seeing his wife, W, later today, and thinks W hasn't responded because he's made her look stupid in front of her friends, she's just mortified and doesn't know how to handle it.

I will bet any money that meeting will be cancelled.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 13:01

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 12:59

I will bet any money that meeting will be cancelled.

Show quote history

They were going to a spin class together. I'll watch and wait!

OP posts:
PicnicBunny · 07/02/2023 13:46

HyacinthineMacaw · 06/02/2023 22:53

I’d write back and say ‘Fuck off, Neil. The little ladies are quite capable of managing their own diaries and relationships without a man interfering. I’m sure Deidre doesn’t need you to intervene to rescue her from the nasty women. Now get back in your shed’.

Cock.

Best laugh all day hahaha 🤣😂

Pinkbonbon · 07/02/2023 13:55

Sounds like he's trying to alienate her from her friends.

Common tactic for abusers to be embarrassing/nasty af infront of your mates so that you feel you can't take them anywhere in future. And then if you go alone, they sulk. So you stop going out with your friends as much and lose touch.

They'll try anything to rid you of supportive people in your life.

Hope you can let your pal know soon that you are all there for her.

Lookingoutside · 07/02/2023 14:56

‘Not quite rude enough for him to start on your friend or get nasty, but clearly calling him out.’

He will not be considering whether a remark is rude enough for him to get nasty. He is abusive and doesn’t play by those rules. He will invent reasons for his behaviour and say and do as he pleases.

Clever comments are not the answer, they may make this woman’s friend’s feel better and amuse those reading here but all they will do in reality is aggravate the situation.

OP focus on supporting your friend with a view to getting her away from him.

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 15:49

I just remembered something he did a few years ago. He told my friend he had arranged to take her out for dinner. It turned out to be a club night at Huddersfield Town. She told us about it as an amusing anecdote but really I doubt that it was.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 15:51

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 15:49

I just remembered something he did a few years ago. He told my friend he had arranged to take her out for dinner. It turned out to be a club night at Huddersfield Town. She told us about it as an amusing anecdote but really I doubt that it was.

Guy is a wanker. Give your friend a call and see if she wants to go for a walk.

Springis · 07/02/2023 15:53

HyacinthineMacaw · 06/02/2023 22:53

I’d write back and say ‘Fuck off, Neil. The little ladies are quite capable of managing their own diaries and relationships without a man interfering. I’m sure Deidre doesn’t need you to intervene to rescue her from the nasty women. Now get back in your shed’.

Cock.

This!

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2023 15:56

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:53

@iwantmyownicecreamvan My friend S messaged this morning and said that he is a twat, also that she is seeing his wife, W, later today, and thinks W hasn't responded because he's made her look stupid in front of her friends, she's just mortified and doesn't know how to handle it.

Now is the time to reassure her and tell her there's not issue at all. He wants her mortified. You don't.