Husband infiltrated group Whatsapp

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

I'm on a group Whatsapp with three other friends. I had a phone call from one of them asking if I was free on a particular date and I'm not, we chatted about other possibilities and I've got loads on so she suggested I let them all know when I wasn't available to work around it, so I did.

A message appeared tonight clearly written by one friend's husband. Three of us are single.

He started off trying to wind me up about football as he supports a rival team and he's obsessed. They've come home from holiday early so he doesn't miss a game. The message went on suggesting I'm not a proper supporter because I don't hold a season ticket and suggesting I've not been to the matches since 1999 which is untrue. (The reason I couldn't make one date is I'm going to football with another friend) The message goes on:

You have never bothered since 1999.Why change habits of so long .Much more enjoyable lunching with M, S and W. Maybe they have some important dates too? Compromise is usually best as it could get tricky if there are 4 lists?

This sounds like I'm expecting everyone to work around me and I'm not. But what it has to do with him I've no idea I'm not at all happy he's muscling in on group Whatsapp chat! He's somehow got hold of her phone. It's definitely him not her.

I'm not sure what I'm going to say, it's bloody bizarre.

But if it's on the WhatsApp group won't everyone see it anyway? Or has he messaged you privately?

I wouldn't swear at him as it might make things difficult for your friend and he could make her feel she shouldn't have anything to do with you.

Have a chat with her about it but be aware all her conversations via phone, message etc might be being monitored.

In fairness this is a good point - the arse has done you a favour in a way in that you now know he is reading your WhatsApp group and her phone isn’t her own. She might not be responsive to you pointing out her husband is controlling - I’ve experienced that in my own life though she eventually came to see it. Be prepared to be a listening ear and provide support when she needs it. Controllers are v good at making it Us v. Them

Delete group chat.
Start a new group chat minus friend with infiltrated husband.
Friend with infiltrating husband doesn't get to join.
If she wants to talk, she can do that in person.

I'm in a similar WhatsApp group with my two closest friends. I'm 50 and we've been friends since our teens. I've been married almost 30 years but I would go mad and be embarrassed if DH did this. My friends would think I was a lunatic if DH did this with my blessing.
I don't say anything on our chats that I would be bothered if DH read it but my friends trust me with their problems on there and I'd hate that he knew what they said in what is supposed to be a very private chat.

Now you know he monitors her phone, don't discuss anything private via messages. I probably wouldn't discuss private issues with her on the phone either in case he listens in. I had a friend with a husband like that. He wanted to see and hear everything she discussed. She was the same, though. She would go through his phone at the end of the day too.

He’s obviously just trying to shit stir, so I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. I would be worried about the friend but ultimately you can’t fix this for her. Id be wary about what you talk about as it’s obvious she’s relaying stuff back to him. It’s not a nice situation.

I assume if he's written it in the group chat she can see it, as can your other friends.

I would completely ignore him.

She's likely mortified.

Why do people live like this

Entitlement or something? Loss of individuality. "He's my husband therefore I am entitled to know everything"? I've no idea tbh. I don't understand it. They're also one of those couples where one won't go anywhere without the other. She'd bring him on girls nights out or not come if they couldn't get a babysitter.

Oh god. Husbands on girls nights are the worst.

I would leave the chat and stay in contact another way.

I’d send this and not correct the names! 🤣

Cracker @AliceOlive

“Thanks for letting us know you are accessing our private WhatsApp group, Neil. Stop being such a creepy weirdo.”

My guess is that it will get dismissed as just banter and you know what he’s like. If the OP leaves the group, she’ll get accused of overreacting and playing the victim.

Personally, I wouldn’t reply. Leave the ball in their court to apologise. If they don’t apologise, they’ll look like bigger twats.

Well I’d want to say ‘thanks for your thoughts, but the great thing about being single, is not having to listen to men’s unwanted opinions’

Or, as he’s writing under her name ‘oh ha ha Anne, that’s brilliant, you sound just like Derek when he bores on about football’

But as said above, sounds like he might take it out on her, so I’d ignore and continue your conversation as if he’s not there.

It sounds like she might have had a grumble to him about trying to get a date sorted (which we all do sometimes but not because we're really angry about it, just a general grumble) but why the hell he's felt it necessary to read or post on the WhatsApp I don't know. I think it's deeply creepy and controlling. My dh would never do that or even consider it and visa versa, it would just be so intrusive.
I would completely ignore him on the group, as if he hasn't posted, so that he can see exactly how much input he gets to have on these matters. Maybe ask one of the other people on the group to post something (anything really) so that you can respond to that whilst completely ignoring him.
I would also be keeping a close eye out for other red flags in your friend's relationship. She may not be able to see them herself and she may need your help at some point.

i just dont understand this. are they your cloe friends.if so someone on mine would have replied to this by now.or i would. what is the problem?

Odd cunt.

There's a special kind of humourless, fairly thick bloke who we've all humoured too long and is under the impression he is actually funny, rather than that we're all 'laughing' politely. They get older and less and less funny. Oh and call it banter. Fucking banter. It's just being a cock.

Look out for her and don't let him get a word in. Stop engaging.

As far as your friend is concerned, I imagine he will have removed the comment just for her account. She won't know what he's done unless you tell her, or reply to his comment so she can see it. Or even screenshot and send to her.
He's an ass.

Yes, had that too. A few years ago he showed up at a night out I'd arranged with his wife. He also tried to come to an evening at another friend's house.

I'm the owner of the WhatsApp and I'm going to delete it.

Don't delete the chat op. He's made you aware he's reading all her messages.
speak to her in person where you can and keep the messages dull.
He could be abusive and she needs her friends; it's common for abusers to try to cut off friendships and family links.

@kateandme The problem is that a friend's husband is reading her messages in a group chat and taking it upon himself to join in with stupid comments he thinks are banter but, annoying as that is, may be indicative of more.