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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband infiltrated group Whatsapp

211 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/02/2023 22:46

I'm on a group Whatsapp with three other friends. I had a phone call from one of them asking if I was free on a particular date and I'm not, we chatted about other possibilities and I've got loads on so she suggested I let them all know when I wasn't available to work around it, so I did.

A message appeared tonight clearly written by one friend's husband. Three of us are single.

He started off trying to wind me up about football as he supports a rival team and he's obsessed. They've come home from holiday early so he doesn't miss a game. The message went on suggesting I'm not a proper supporter because I don't hold a season ticket and suggesting I've not been to the matches since 1999 which is untrue. (The reason I couldn't make one date is I'm going to football with another friend) The message goes on:

You have never bothered since 1999.Why change habits of so long .Much more enjoyable lunching with M, S and W. Maybe they have some important dates too? Compromise is usually best as it could get tricky if there are 4 lists?

This sounds like I'm expecting everyone to work around me and I'm not. But what it has to do with him I've no idea I'm not at all happy he's muscling in on group Whatsapp chat! He's somehow got hold of her phone. It's definitely him not her.

I'm not sure what I'm going to say, it's bloody bizarre.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/02/2023 08:28

Very funny Nigel; give the phone back to Daphne now, there’s a good chap.💀

PositiveIntelligence · 07/02/2023 08:28

I would leave the group and stop messaging friend altogether if she can’t have a private phone.

Calls only

Wouldlovetobeinthesun · 07/02/2023 08:31

Could it be that if nobody else has responded they have been contacted by your friend about the dates? Doesn't give her husband the right to interfere though.

NeedToChangeName · 07/02/2023 08:34

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 08:27

@NeedToChangeName I wasn't expecting three people to change plans. No plans were made. The married friend posited a potential date that didn't suit me because I'd got firm plans. I was then asked for alternatives.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron Yes I understand you were happy for them to go out without you

My point was that if your friend had a moan (however unjustified) it still wasn't normal behaviour for her DH to intervene

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 08:37

I'm also furious because I've shared personal details in that group about some medical issues I'd had and this chump now knows those.

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 07/02/2023 08:41

Another vote for ignore the chump, that'll hurt him more than any words you could use.
You can check with your friend if she's ok and explain to her how distressing it is that said chump now knows your personal medical details.

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 08:43

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 08:37

I'm also furious because I've shared personal details in that group about some medical issues I'd had and this chump now knows those.

If he's happy to start using her WhatsApp randomly she probably already tells him all that information too.

Some relationships have really skewed boundaries.

HyacinthineMacaw · 07/02/2023 08:44

I am still a fan of my robust suggested response, but I agree that this looks like a controlling relationship to whatever degree, so the most important thing is to be sure your friend knows you are all there for her when she needs support, refuge, help, whatever - hopefully she will leave him at some point, and she will need to know she can count on you to be brave enough to do that.

smileladiesplease · 07/02/2023 08:45

I would delete any personal info is your medical issues, leave the group and start another one with the other friends. If you start the group only you has control of it.

I would ring your friend and tell her why.

My guess is though that she's moaned to him about you never being available and he's having a pop (stupidly in my view) but I think both in this together

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 08:47

One of the other women has messaged me saying he's a twat and ignore him and she's also unavailable some days too but we'll arrange something when we can. She knows him better than I do.

OP posts:
Eleganz · 07/02/2023 08:51

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 08:37

I'm also furious because I've shared personal details in that group about some medical issues I'd had and this chump now knows those.

Unless you've explicitly asked for absolute secrecy it is better to assume that long term partners and husbands of friends know the big details of stuff that is going on. Many couple share stuff like this as part of pillow talk.

Theonlyone67 · 07/02/2023 08:55

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 08:37

I'm also furious because I've shared personal details in that group about some medical issues I'd had and this chump now knows those.

Nothing you share with anyone is ever private, written or spoken. My close friends discuss everything with their husbands as do I so if you want something to truly be private don’t share it with anyone

Hawkins002 · 07/02/2023 08:59

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 07:51

@GoodChat if she was going to grumble she'd be more likely to do that with the other two women than him.

true but sometimes it's a mix as to who they discuss x with

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/02/2023 09:00

Theonlyone67 · 07/02/2023 08:55

Nothing you share with anyone is ever private, written or spoken. My close friends discuss everything with their husbands as do I so if you want something to truly be private don’t share it with anyone

Show quote history

You might, but not everyone is the same. I would never share anything with DH if a friend asked me to keep it secret (except in some unlikely scenario that it somehow harmed him not to tell). I can't bear women who chuck loyalty to friends out the window and behave as if they don't have a separate identity, once they are married.

Consufed · 07/02/2023 09:01

I assume if he's written it in the group chat she can see it

I think he will have deleted it from her device, as a pp said.

Mix56 · 07/02/2023 09:03

Tell the girls on the WhatsApp group is being deleted as it's a personal space that is no longer private. then close the group.
Then I would ask independently if the other 3 want to have a new group, on Signal, (for example) hopefully her Dick of a husband won't find it

Moveoverdarlin · 07/02/2023 09:04

He could be controlling or in a bizarre way, he could be sticking up for her, it’s obvious what’s happened…your friend has said something like: ‘I’m trying to get a date in the diary to see the girls, I could really do with a girly catch-up but Saffron can never make it as she has so much on, so we never get a date sorted’. He’s then stuck his oar in and sent that message. It’s an idiotic thing to do. But I often feel like this, I’m at home with kids all day and I never ever go out anymore, my longstanding girlfriends can never get a date in the diary as one is so so busy. It leaves me depressed with nothing to look forward to. My husband completely agrees and often encourages me to see my mates and always says you’re friends are useless, they can’t organise a piss-up etc. He also says ‘just go without Karen, she’s the one that can never make it.’ But he doesn’t get the upset this could cause in a girly group. You never know, your friend may be gagging to have some fun or talk to you all about something and in a weird way her husband may be sorting it out like he would with his own mates, in a footy chat, piss take way.

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 09:07

In your place I wouldn't reply on that grouping again.

As you are admin, can you delete the chat ?

Set up a new group with the others and text her directly from now on.

Absolutely no private chat including her and tell her the truth in person.

I would tell her how it looks, which is controlling and abusive, and stress that you are there for her.

maddy68 · 07/02/2023 09:08

I would comment. So very grateful for your input as us silly women can't organise our social lives without a capable man stepping in and out a load of laughing emojis. Then block him from the group

ClawedButler · 07/02/2023 09:11

Even IF the friend had complained to her husband about OP (and OP says that would be out of character - she'd just come out and say it if she had something to say), it still doesn't give this arrogant bellend the right to weigh in to a private conversation and start spewing guff and balls and un-asked-for opinions.

Derek can get in the shed.

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 09:14

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/02/2023 09:00

You might, but not everyone is the same. I would never share anything with DH if a friend asked me to keep it secret (except in some unlikely scenario that it somehow harmed him not to tell). I can't bear women who chuck loyalty to friends out the window and behave as if they don't have a separate identity, once they are married.

Show quote history

Completely agree.

Any private confidences my friends have shared with me I wouldn't dream of telling my husband.

Absolutely none of his business and he wouldn't be interested either.

I wouldn't dream of sharing my private business with anyone that shared everything with their husbands.

My friends are grown ups, and know better than to repeat a private confidence of a friend.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/02/2023 09:15

Unfortunately I think your friends been bitching too but he's taken it a step too far. It really doesn't seem the kind of thing a bloke would randomly do - even a twat!! Also if your friend (his partner) hasn't responded to his comment-that's weird too. I would have been on there like lightening . I certainly would call her .

smileladiesplease · 07/02/2023 09:25

I think it's a huge leap to controlling.

I think she's angry with you always being busy. He's a twat to involve himself like this but I know from these type of groups if one person is always busy and can't make any dates it's annoying but we meet up without the busy one.

Maybe you should reassess who you really want to spend time with snd who you don't.

b better for both of you really

Naunet · 07/02/2023 09:26

Crikeyalmighty · 07/02/2023 09:15

Unfortunately I think your friends been bitching too but he's taken it a step too far. It really doesn't seem the kind of thing a bloke would randomly do - even a twat!! Also if your friend (his partner) hasn't responded to his comment-that's weird too. I would have been on there like lightening . I certainly would call her .

Because you can’t imagine a man behaving like he’s behaved, you’ll blame the women instead, even though there’s nothing to suggest her friends have been bitching?! Nice.

Lovinmyblanket · 07/02/2023 09:27

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 08:47

One of the other women has messaged me saying he's a twat and ignore him and she's also unavailable some days too but we'll arrange something when we can. She knows him better than I do.

Would have been nicer if she'd replied in the group itself