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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Received a message

230 replies

Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:25

Received a message today from a Facebook profile which was suspicious (no other friends) lady sent me a friend request then messaged to say
'DP (named) is not to be trusted'
I asked for clarification.
She said he was involved with her 'friend'
The profile listed a town nowhere near us so I asked where friend lived and she named town right by us.

DP's reaction to all this had been weird. He's more annoyed at me than anything and feels so hard done by but venomously denied it.

I'm so confused. It seems a lot of effort from someone to create a profile to contact me if there's nothing in it. DP says maybe it's a bot.

I've asked this person for more details but they haven't responded to me in a few hours. My head is scrambled!

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 06/02/2023 18:26

He’s having an affair. His reaction is classic, I’m afraid OP.

Hawkins002 · 06/02/2023 18:27

It's a possibility to consider

VouloirCestPouvoir · 06/02/2023 18:29

I'd do some digging.
It sounds odd. Hope it's not an affair but you never know.

BreadInCaptivity · 06/02/2023 18:29

The fact he's annoyed with you is a massive red flag.

What have you done? Nothing apart from having had the temerity not to simply shrug this off and ask him about it.

It's classic deflection - be angry at you to remove the focus from him and stop you asking questions.

I'd be very, very suspicious and start getting my ducks in a row....

JessesMum777888 · 06/02/2023 18:30

Had this on and off for a year.
turns out it was my boyfriends ex girlfriend trying to cause trouble and the stupid inbred had told her kids who in Turn told me. I’m not saying he’s not up to no good but there is a chance he’s not x

SandyY2K · 06/02/2023 18:30

I do wish that if someone sends a message like that, they do so with irrefutable evidence...or at least something tangible.

Confronting, without proof is pointless IMO.

Original poster
Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:30

Oh totally not naive to consider anything but I don't know what to do because he is almost turning this on me like I'm an awful person to even mention this to him

OP posts:
Original poster
Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:31

Any ideas what I can say back to this girl to get her to give me more information?

OP posts:
soboredtonight · 06/02/2023 18:34

Ask for proof

VouloirCestPouvoir · 06/02/2023 18:35

I'd be looking for second phones, every nook and cranny in the car, spare wheel bit, everything.
Does he get showers a lot or when he gets straight in? Is he where he says he is?
Does he guard his phone?
I would not recommend phone snooping but that's how many have caught their partners out.
Is he using new sex moves or mentioning anyone a lot?
You may already know all this so ignore if you do.
If it was me I'd pretend it was a mistake. I think you sent this to me by accident and see what they offer up?

Original poster
Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:36

Ok I've messaged again just to ask her if she can provide any proof

OP posts:
Original poster
Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:37

VouloirCestPouvoir · 06/02/2023 18:35

I'd be looking for second phones, every nook and cranny in the car, spare wheel bit, everything.
Does he get showers a lot or when he gets straight in? Is he where he says he is?
Does he guard his phone?
I would not recommend phone snooping but that's how many have caught their partners out.
Is he using new sex moves or mentioning anyone a lot?
You may already know all this so ignore if you do.
If it was me I'd pretend it was a mistake. I think you sent this to me by accident and see what they offer up?

He has a work phone. He has to work away every week meaning he is away an evening at a time

OP posts:
ChatInMyFlat · 06/02/2023 18:37

Tell her you believe her but you need proof.

So sorry OP. His reaction says it all.

Original poster
Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:38

Sorry an evening a week

OP posts:
rosiebertie · 06/02/2023 18:40

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Something similar happened to me except they provided proof right away...

We managed to survive it and stay together, and I feel like we are actually stronger. But a big part of that was down to him confessing to all the details, discussing the cause of what happened, and him agreeing to see a therapist

His reaction right now speaks volumes - both about whether he did it and how much he wants your relationship to survive

Keepyourmummysboys · 06/02/2023 18:41

I never really get the need for proof.

either it’s the ow herself, and then yes she could send you messages
if it’s not her but someone who knows, then what proof could they have, what would you like them to do, follow them and film them, record themselves?

the only possible way to get proof is if this is the ow herself. Which I suspect it is.

VouloirCestPouvoir · 06/02/2023 18:41

His angry reaction is not good.

Keepyourmummysboys · 06/02/2023 18:42

Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:38

Sorry an evening a week

Hmm does he face time you on these nights?

DrivestraightuptheA1 · 06/02/2023 18:45

If I was the OW this is exactly how I would tell the wife. I’d send a message first and send proof only if she asked for it.

Hope it’s nothing for your sake!

GoodnightJude1 · 06/02/2023 18:47

Sounds a bit dodgy OP….especially with that kind of reaction. Without any proof though it’s difficult. Any ex’s bearing a grudge? Anyone that likes winding you/him up?

gettingalifttothestation · 06/02/2023 18:49

No smoke without fire

itsnote · 06/02/2023 18:52

He's angry with you because he wants you to shut up and stop asking him about it. Classic

gab254 · 06/02/2023 18:52

I had similar, it was all true, had been going on close to 2 years and she'd had his child.

It was brutal but I'm glad I know it all and I'm free from that nasty piece of work.

PiedPipa · 06/02/2023 18:53

He's cheating. I'd bet a very large sum. Sorry OP.

I was with a man for over a year, before I found out he had a LT girlfriend, the lies he told to cover up the red flags were truly disgraceful. Turned out he'd done the same thing before too.

A friend tried to warn her anonymously in this exact same way as this person is warning you, new Facebook profile with fake name etc. He didn't react angrily, he reacted how he always did when I confronted him with anything suspicious- pure denial and gaslighting. 'Don't you see how ridiculous it is, it's just someone trying to break us up', 'just ignore them, just block them'.

I believe he also said it's a 'bot'.

She just took his word for it, blocked the profile, and I'm given to understand she didnt even look in to it. I feel sad for her, knowing she's stuck in that lie. She desperately wants a baby and he's stringing her along, putting her off, wasting her time.

It's very sad. Please do some digging.

juliettesmother · 06/02/2023 18:53

gab254 · 06/02/2023 18:52

I had similar, it was all true, had been going on close to 2 years and she'd had his child.

It was brutal but I'm glad I know it all and I'm free from that nasty piece of work.

Holy moly, that is nasty.

I'm sorry you went through that.

OP, I always hope things like this are not what they seem, but they rarely are.