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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Received a message

230 replies

Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:25

Received a message today from a Facebook profile which was suspicious (no other friends) lady sent me a friend request then messaged to say
'DP (named) is not to be trusted'
I asked for clarification.
She said he was involved with her 'friend'
The profile listed a town nowhere near us so I asked where friend lived and she named town right by us.

DP's reaction to all this had been weird. He's more annoyed at me than anything and feels so hard done by but venomously denied it.

I'm so confused. It seems a lot of effort from someone to create a profile to contact me if there's nothing in it. DP says maybe it's a bot.

I've asked this person for more details but they haven't responded to me in a few hours. My head is scrambled!

OP posts:
highdaysandholudays · 07/02/2023 00:49

Man I feel for you and no it's not easy to leave. Like many others I had the blame and anger thrown at me as well. This too shall pass. It's him. Not you. Keep remembering that. He will try to psychologically break you. That's him making his own fear of the consequences of his poor choices your problem and a classic response.

samqueens · 07/02/2023 01:10

I’m so sorry OP. You have NOT done anything wrong. As so many people have said - his reaction is completely unreasonable and all the 🚩🚩🚩

Ideally you need to stop focusing on the message person and on him for a short moment. Try to focus on getting those ducks in a row, seeking some legal advice, making sure you Hve copies of important documents etc. it doesn’t mean you have to leave - it means you’re using this time productively to help make yourself better informed and protect yourself in the medium/longer term.

I really recommend you read the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (you can download on kindle app). It’s very insightful and I promise will make you feel less crazy. You’re not btw, but his aggressive and gaslighting behavior is designed to make you feel that way and it’s a tactic that works. Just try and hold on to the basics will you figure out the rest. Don’t engage with him - focus on you.

I’m so sorry 💐

CassieMc · 07/02/2023 01:58

He's gaslighting you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, it must be a shock to the system being so out of the blue as well. Like others have said his reaction is not normal for someone who's supposedly innocent. If he was he would be much calmer and even possibly laugh it off in the end saying how ridiculous whilst passing you his phone. That's what I'd do anyway. He's angry he's been caught out. Don't let him turn the tables on you❤️

2023a · 07/02/2023 02:20

So, to all the pp who think his reaction indicates guilt. If you weren’t cheating, someone randomly messaged your husband and said you were and his response was to ‘confront’ you with this and ask to see your phone - your reaction would be to reassure him? Really? As I’d be pretty pissed off, personally.

OP, your DH sounds like a twat and you’re probably well rid. I wouldn’t say that his reaction means he’s cheating, though.

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 02:29

Being pretty pissed off might be reasonable. A screaming fit and driving two hours away absolutely isn’t. Yes a loving partner would want to reassure you, not rant and rave and blame it on bots

journeyofinsanity · 07/02/2023 02:31

2023a · 07/02/2023 02:20

So, to all the pp who think his reaction indicates guilt. If you weren’t cheating, someone randomly messaged your husband and said you were and his response was to ‘confront’ you with this and ask to see your phone - your reaction would be to reassure him? Really? As I’d be pretty pissed off, personally.

OP, your DH sounds like a twat and you’re probably well rid. I wouldn’t say that his reaction means he’s cheating, though.

I'd be taken aback and say something like 'of course I'm not, who in earth is spreading this story about me??' And feel like both me and my partner were under some sort of attack. I certainly wouldn't get angry and start insulting my partner. If that's your approach you are not very suited to a relationship

2023a · 07/02/2023 02:35

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 02:29

Being pretty pissed off might be reasonable. A screaming fit and driving two hours away absolutely isn’t. Yes a loving partner would want to reassure you, not rant and rave and blame it on bots

Oh, I agree that his reaction was OTT. He’s a pillock.

But I will never reassure DH (who I love very much) that I’m not cheating and I’d never expect him to do so. That’s not what I’d consider a healthy relationship, either.

2023a · 07/02/2023 02:39

journeyofinsanity · 07/02/2023 02:31

I'd be taken aback and say something like 'of course I'm not, who in earth is spreading this story about me??' And feel like both me and my partner were under some sort of attack. I certainly wouldn't get angry and start insulting my partner. If that's your approach you are not very suited to a relationship

Show quote history

I said nothing about insults and I’ve agreed that her DH has behaved poorly. However, if you wouldn't be annoyed about being accused of cheating (which is what being asked to show your phone amounts to), then you’re either a doormat or positively saintly. So, either ‘poor you’ or ‘well done’, whichever applies.

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 02:41

@2023a I don’t see what is unhealthy about reassuring your partner? That’s a totally normal thing to do.

2023a · 07/02/2023 02:44

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 02:41

@2023a I don’t see what is unhealthy about reassuring your partner? That’s a totally normal thing to do.

Reassuring them that you’re not cheating on them is healthy? You think a relationship where the other person thinks you might be cheating on them and you need to convince them you’re not is a healthy state of affairs? Really?

CrescentMoons · 07/02/2023 02:45

samqueens · 07/02/2023 01:10

I’m so sorry OP. You have NOT done anything wrong. As so many people have said - his reaction is completely unreasonable and all the 🚩🚩🚩

Ideally you need to stop focusing on the message person and on him for a short moment. Try to focus on getting those ducks in a row, seeking some legal advice, making sure you Hve copies of important documents etc. it doesn’t mean you have to leave - it means you’re using this time productively to help make yourself better informed and protect yourself in the medium/longer term.

I really recommend you read the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (you can download on kindle app). It’s very insightful and I promise will make you feel less crazy. You’re not btw, but his aggressive and gaslighting behavior is designed to make you feel that way and it’s a tactic that works. Just try and hold on to the basics will you figure out the rest. Don’t engage with him - focus on you.

I’m so sorry 💐

This. You asked a normal question and his response is not trustworthy, kind etc

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 02:47

2023a · 07/02/2023 02:44

Reassuring them that you’re not cheating on them is healthy? You think a relationship where the other person thinks you might be cheating on them and you need to convince them you’re not is a healthy state of affairs? Really?

Show quote history

Hang on, this hasn’t come out of the blue. The OP hasn’t plucked the idea out of the air. Someone has contacted her to say he isn’t to be trusted. Yes I would expect my partner to say Of course I’m not???

2023a · 07/02/2023 02:51

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 02:47

Hang on, this hasn’t come out of the blue. The OP hasn’t plucked the idea out of the air. Someone has contacted her to say he isn’t to be trusted. Yes I would expect my partner to say Of course I’m not???

Show quote history

Is simply saying ‘of course I’m not’ all you meant by reassurance? That, I have no issue with.

However (with all this talk of going through phones), that doesn’t appear to be what pp have meant by ‘reassurance’.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/02/2023 03:40

Anger at the person who said he was cheating.....perfectly understandable and I would feel it too. Anger at the partner who said "I have been told you are cheating on me...." is not.

His reaction suggests guilt on his part.

If it was me I would be pissed off that someone was shit stirring but of course I would make moves to reassure my parter that I wasnt cheating. I would show them my phone, I would point out that I am always easily reachable and can prove that I am where I say I am. But then, I live in the real world, where people lie and cheat. I am not so naive as to expect a relationship will last an entire lifetime without one iota of doubt, it is ridiculous to expect that!

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/02/2023 03:44

2023a · 07/02/2023 02:20

So, to all the pp who think his reaction indicates guilt. If you weren’t cheating, someone randomly messaged your husband and said you were and his response was to ‘confront’ you with this and ask to see your phone - your reaction would be to reassure him? Really? As I’d be pretty pissed off, personally.

OP, your DH sounds like a twat and you’re probably well rid. I wouldn’t say that his reaction means he’s cheating, though.

Those of us who say that, have experienced it. I am genuinely glad that youhavent had your trust broken that way and learned the lessons we have.

I hope you never will.

kateandme · 07/02/2023 04:20

who owns what.its not easy but you can do it.and it only starts when you start it. its not going to get any better,sounds it is getting worse.but the more you hold on actually the more tied to him you are and the hrdeer it is to make a life for yourself and split things easily..
your scared which is more of what putting you off. your more capable than you think.
can you not go to family.
or depending on who owns what just tell him to leave and stay gone. then go from there.at least then youve mad ethe break.its begun.

Missp23 · 07/02/2023 04:52

I am very surprised at some of these comments. If my DH accused me off an affair of the back of a random fb message, and I wasnt having one, I could see myself getting angry quickly. The whole thing is very odd but if you were not having the affair, id be put out that x years of trust have been rubbished by a fake fb account sending one message. Obviously if he is having the affair its another matter.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 07/02/2023 04:57

Missp23 · 07/02/2023 04:52

I am very surprised at some of these comments. If my DH accused me off an affair of the back of a random fb message, and I wasnt having one, I could see myself getting angry quickly. The whole thing is very odd but if you were not having the affair, id be put out that x years of trust have been rubbished by a fake fb account sending one message. Obviously if he is having the affair its another matter.

But surely you'd get angry at the fb person, not at your own DH, for merely telling you they received the message. Getting angry with your spouse is massive neon red flag that they've had an affair and are trying to take the guilt out on their spouse by being angry with them.

Ladybug14 · 07/02/2023 05:00

Things haven't been right for ages

He has a nasty temper

He gaslights you

He blamed you for the Facebook message and for wanting to talk things through

Even if he ISNT having an affair (and I think he is) I'd want some space to reevaluate why I'm with him

Missp23 · 07/02/2023 05:09

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 07/02/2023 04:57

But surely you'd get angry at the fb person, not at your own DH, for merely telling you they received the message. Getting angry with your spouse is massive neon red flag that they've had an affair and are trying to take the guilt out on their spouse by being angry with them.

Show quote history

Its hard to say. If you weren't having the affair, how do you prove it? I think it would wear thin pretty quickly if your partner believed a baseless allogation from an unknown source over your own word. I could see myself getting angry as your in a no win situation.

custardbear · 07/02/2023 05:15

So sorry OP. Make enquiries about moving back to where your family are as you'll need their support of this is final. Secuire the best solicitor you can afford too - good luck

journeyofinsanity · 07/02/2023 05:49

@2023a I'm neither a doormat nor poor me or well done. I'm just an adult who doesn't spin out in anger and would feel concern that my dh was stressing about something relating to us. You seem to want to normalise angry outbursts over relational conversations

journeyofinsanity · 07/02/2023 05:53

Missp23 · 07/02/2023 04:52

I am very surprised at some of these comments. If my DH accused me off an affair of the back of a random fb message, and I wasnt having one, I could see myself getting angry quickly. The whole thing is very odd but if you were not having the affair, id be put out that x years of trust have been rubbished by a fake fb account sending one message. Obviously if he is having the affair its another matter.

If you find yourself getting angry 'quickly' then I suggest you seek help with your anger issues. If my dh banged on and on and was deeply suspicious for a good long while, sure I'd get pissy at some point but 'get angry quickly'? Nope. We approach our relationship with compassion. Life has ups and downs. Confidence can be hit. Mental health can bring irrationality. Lots of weird shit happens in life. 'Getting angry quickly' isn't a recipe for a long term relationship

hay5689 · 07/02/2023 06:02

I hate to say it but as someone who's had an affair his reaction is textbook. The way you are describing him getting angry and trying to switch the blame on you is exactly what I did. I'm not proud of what I did before anyone has a go but it takes one to know one and I'd definitely say his behaviour indicates cheating.

DaveyJonesLocker · 07/02/2023 06:04

He is absolutely cheating and he's angry he's been found out. Do not let him make you the bad guy and do not let him grovel his way back in.

You did good, its not your fault.

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