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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Received a message

230 replies

Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:25

Received a message today from a Facebook profile which was suspicious (no other friends) lady sent me a friend request then messaged to say
'DP (named) is not to be trusted'
I asked for clarification.
She said he was involved with her 'friend'
The profile listed a town nowhere near us so I asked where friend lived and she named town right by us.

DP's reaction to all this had been weird. He's more annoyed at me than anything and feels so hard done by but venomously denied it.

I'm so confused. It seems a lot of effort from someone to create a profile to contact me if there's nothing in it. DP says maybe it's a bot.

I've asked this person for more details but they haven't responded to me in a few hours. My head is scrambled!

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 07/02/2023 14:39

2023a · 07/02/2023 02:20

So, to all the pp who think his reaction indicates guilt. If you weren’t cheating, someone randomly messaged your husband and said you were and his response was to ‘confront’ you with this and ask to see your phone - your reaction would be to reassure him? Really? As I’d be pretty pissed off, personally.

OP, your DH sounds like a twat and you’re probably well rid. I wouldn’t say that his reaction means he’s cheating, though.

My reaction would be what a fucking weirdo. There are some right nutters out there. Here you go. Have a look. As I handed over my phone.

If someone you love has had a shock, had a horrible message about you and because they are shocked and upset they feel they need a little reassurance - why wouldn't you just give it to them?

You can talk about trust and your own feelings later.

cfb35 · 07/02/2023 14:40

It might be worth phoning brother to see if he’s actually gone there. I suspect he’s gone elsewhere…

OrchardBloom · 07/02/2023 14:56

Something similar happened to me, I was contacted on whatsapp, told my DH was with someone else on a night that I knew he was out with work. My DH is quite a content person, he doesn't go out much (maybe 2/3 times a year). Loves his football but spends most of his free time with me of the kids. So I was a little suss. I spoke to him about it and he was unhappy but not in a defensive way. He was ready and eager to get to the bottom of it. I think I knew deep down it wasn't true but my mum always says 'there is no smoke without fire' so I couldn't just ignore it. I messaged the person back and said that I had suspected something and could they give me more information. They sent me pictures of a man with a woman kissing...this man was blonde, white and not too tall...nothing like my 6 ft 3 black husband. I told her she had the wrong wife!! She blocked me and i never got to the bottom of it. We still laugh about it now.

sweetsuzie · 07/02/2023 17:39

Great idea regards last post.

OP it looks like OW has fallen for your fella. This is what happens when foolish older ladies enter into liaisons with married men their rotten lust radar gets all jittery and excited and they want him to leave his wife. Time and time again. And they fall for the so called script. No doubt your fella cheated but this is a little Venus trap that’s not letting go.

Clear her off first.

Then decide later on what YOU want.

slackademic · 07/02/2023 17:54

You could bluff her and tell her he has a long track record and lies about everything...but at least he pays the bills - she might react either to you or to him if, in fact, she is the OW.

2023a · 07/02/2023 17:56

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 13:25

Not sure what you have taken reassurance to mean but sounds way off the mark for most people.

Show quote history

I have taken it to mean showing phones and bank accounts as these are the examples reassurance that have been given by posters on this thread. As I’ve said, I don’t think those things are healthy and I wouldn’t do them or ask DH to do them.

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 07/02/2023 17:58

Everything he’s said and done is classic if a guilty man. What a total fool he is.

I hope you get something concrete soon, kick him out and manage to make sure everyone knows what a total cunt he is.

2023a · 07/02/2023 18:05

IncompleteSenten · 07/02/2023 14:39

My reaction would be what a fucking weirdo. There are some right nutters out there. Here you go. Have a look. As I handed over my phone.

If someone you love has had a shock, had a horrible message about you and because they are shocked and upset they feel they need a little reassurance - why wouldn't you just give it to them?

You can talk about trust and your own feelings later.

Show quote history

Being messaged by a random who informed him I was cheating wouldn’t cause my husband to require reassurance. And vice versa. We trust each other and we know the other person isn’t cheating otherwise we wouldn’t be in this marriage. We’ve been together for a long time, through interesting events, so I can say this with certainty.

I would never be in a relationship without complete trust and - if I discovered I was - I would no longer be in that relationship. The perpetual terror of cheating that seems to plague everyone on MN isn’t present in my life.

WeepyWillow · 07/02/2023 18:19

Is there a halfway here? Say your husband had one too many and got in a situation, but then told the woman he us married and to back off.

Now she is stirring things up with you and him. He might not be entirely innocent, but also might not be carrying on an ongoing affair. He might be trying to extract himself from this woman but panicked by her blackmail.

Do you have anyone in his family you can talk to and act as a go between?

Original poster
Imagineit · 07/02/2023 18:29

WeepyWillow · 07/02/2023 18:19

Is there a halfway here? Say your husband had one too many and got in a situation, but then told the woman he us married and to back off.

Now she is stirring things up with you and him. He might not be entirely innocent, but also might not be carrying on an ongoing affair. He might be trying to extract himself from this woman but panicked by her blackmail.

Do you have anyone in his family you can talk to and act as a go between?

Yes this was my thought. It makes more sense to me than something ongoing

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 07/02/2023 18:33

Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:30

Oh totally not naive to consider anything but I don't know what to do because he is almost turning this on me like I'm an awful person to even mention this to him

That's a classic sign that is true. Plus you should have never told him (not yet), because now he's going to delete all this messages and be more cautious.

Sandra1984 · 07/02/2023 18:35

I would message back the woman stating: "unless you give me some details and proof of it I'm just going to assume this is BS and you're trying to wind up my good marriage" then wait.

Keepyourmummysboys · 07/02/2023 18:40

Sandra1984 · 07/02/2023 18:35

I would message back the woman stating: "unless you give me some details and proof of it I'm just going to assume this is BS and you're trying to wind up my good marriage" then wait.

Wow. Really? I’m guessing you don’t mind if your partner goes with other women?

Sandra1984 · 07/02/2023 18:59

Keepyourmummysboys · 07/02/2023 18:40

Wow. Really? I’m guessing you don’t mind if your partner goes with other women?

Show quote history

Absolutely I do! it would break my heart, however… before throwing my partner to the dogs I would want to get some evidence s as nd would try to extract more information from her. A random message from an anonymous Facebook account is not really very serious thing. His reaction however was quite telling.

Twazique · 07/02/2023 18:59

I think this is a fantastic opportunity to get rid of him, he has left you! Don't waste your time on who did what with whom, use your energy to move to a formal separation.

Mix56 · 07/02/2023 19:32

Basically, if he was innocent, he would hand over the phone, He didn't, he got angry having gone to the loo to delete posts.

sweetsuzie · 07/02/2023 21:38

Are you kidding yourself here @2023a I would never be in a relationship without complete trust and - if I discovered I was - I would no longer be in that relationship. The perpetual terror of cheating that seems to plague everyone on MN isn’t present in my life.

Deary me, one strike and he’s out mentality, yeah guys that’s a really strong relationship. Show me disrespect and I’ll show you the door. What about your kids, family, what YOU want for them. Do you want them visiting evil step mummy and deranging them between two homes 🏡 if you’d partner does stray but regrets it and is a better partner in a more honest and open relationship. It’s immature thinking 🤔 promoted on MN and supported by the crowd that grew up watching and actually believing Disney dribble. What you get is a cycle of broken families bed hopping with internet dates more cheating disappointment and possibly sexual and other types of abuse for you and yr kids as you introduce step this and that into their lives. Bollocks. A cheating man who’s the problem may have a chance of fixing it and getting his suit together the once, quite often they don’t want another life, they just don’t know what they want. Do you have to copy the shits or can you get on with your agenda of what you want and give him a single chance to catch up e with you or else. Because you hurting is one thing it’s couple years max of ptsd bullshit but hurting your kids is quite another. It’s a lifetime.

sweetsuzie · 07/02/2023 21:54

OP my gut instinct and having been through the same is that she’s trying to extract him by any means possible and exact revenge here. My OW was a shitty piece of work, and the lengths were unimaginable. Lo and behold all the correspondence pointed to her being an ageing Venus trap desperate for her exit affair to deliver. Despite the stupidity it was actually one sided for most of it. That’s not to deny the shiftiness of your DH or mine, they are shits, but perhaps not in every regard. Consider the latter as you move on into despair that is PTSD as this is inevitable, but does not last forever, thankfully. Look all of us can be curious. Some falter more than others. The intention is what matters. 88% of OW want the guy to leave only 5% do of their own accord. And 13% if they get extracted the way your OW is attempting, with the big reveal. Revealing that they’ve taken their pants off? That’s the OW shame, nothing to be proud of. When you don’t become disturbed by this fact the OW loses all and I mean ALL ammunition. Just say it does not bother you because you are reassured that he wants his family. As I said clear her off, talk to him straight and decide what You want, not an immature imbecile DH or the OW lurking in the shadows. It’s not their call.

sweetsuzie · 07/02/2023 22:02

A great cooling off for this is to write to her and say for men these things are physical. Once that’s over, they don’t want anything else. For ladies though they get over invested emotionally to the point of believing this to be some ‘great love’. Sorry to point this out to her at such a late date, but he shot her a line and she swallowed it? In time she’ll learn it’s the classic script…but that’s all advice you can really offer.

2023a · 07/02/2023 22:38

sweetsuzie · 07/02/2023 21:38

Are you kidding yourself here @2023a I would never be in a relationship without complete trust and - if I discovered I was - I would no longer be in that relationship. The perpetual terror of cheating that seems to plague everyone on MN isn’t present in my life.

Deary me, one strike and he’s out mentality, yeah guys that’s a really strong relationship. Show me disrespect and I’ll show you the door. What about your kids, family, what YOU want for them. Do you want them visiting evil step mummy and deranging them between two homes 🏡 if you’d partner does stray but regrets it and is a better partner in a more honest and open relationship. It’s immature thinking 🤔 promoted on MN and supported by the crowd that grew up watching and actually believing Disney dribble. What you get is a cycle of broken families bed hopping with internet dates more cheating disappointment and possibly sexual and other types of abuse for you and yr kids as you introduce step this and that into their lives. Bollocks. A cheating man who’s the problem may have a chance of fixing it and getting his suit together the once, quite often they don’t want another life, they just don’t know what they want. Do you have to copy the shits or can you get on with your agenda of what you want and give him a single chance to catch up e with you or else. Because you hurting is one thing it’s couple years max of ptsd bullshit but hurting your kids is quite another. It’s a lifetime.

I’ve been happily married for just shy of 20 years in a relationship with complete trust. No cheating, no ‘Disney dribble’, disrespect or broken families. So, that wall of hysteria you just wrote has nothing to do with me.

sweetsuzie · 07/02/2023 22:44

Or do you think 🤔 all of us are happily married till we find out. I honestly don’t rate your marriage any higher than anyone else’s or the OPs…oh and we all have trust till you realise that’s unrealistic too.

2023a · 07/02/2023 23:09

sweetsuzie · 07/02/2023 22:44

Or do you think 🤔 all of us are happily married till we find out. I honestly don’t rate your marriage any higher than anyone else’s or the OPs…oh and we all have trust till you realise that’s unrealistic too.

Shocking as it may be to you, your rating of my marriage isn’t really a massive concern in my life. 😂

sweetsuzie · 08/02/2023 06:45

@2023a You are a rather insensitive poster. Consider this, whilst most of us are giving bits of advice as to how OP could possibly deal with the situation, from various angles, you come on here to harp on about your ‘complete’ trust and how your ‘deep trust’ (which is subjective btw, as your partner is an individual whose feelings you can not control) is something you believe in so much that if it was broken you would immediately pull the plug.

All I am saying is you have not got a clue. Till you are in that situation and faced with your kids specific age and your own specifics of finance, you are just clueless.

But when things like this do happen, it’s important for OP to remain calm in the eye of the storm. She has a finite amount of time to get a grip of he situation that can have lifelong consequences.

2023a · 08/02/2023 11:44

sweetsuzie · 08/02/2023 06:45

@2023a You are a rather insensitive poster. Consider this, whilst most of us are giving bits of advice as to how OP could possibly deal with the situation, from various angles, you come on here to harp on about your ‘complete’ trust and how your ‘deep trust’ (which is subjective btw, as your partner is an individual whose feelings you can not control) is something you believe in so much that if it was broken you would immediately pull the plug.

All I am saying is you have not got a clue. Till you are in that situation and faced with your kids specific age and your own specifics of finance, you are just clueless.

But when things like this do happen, it’s important for OP to remain calm in the eye of the storm. She has a finite amount of time to get a grip of he situation that can have lifelong consequences.

And you are a rather hysterical poster. I don’t see OP (or anyone else) thanking you for your advice. You know nothing about literally anything about my life/relationship/situation - you are just clueless, to use your terminology.

I gave OP advice, and now I’m responding to you. Two entirely separate things. If you didn’t want me to ‘harp on’ about trust in my relationship, the rational thing to would be to stop tagging me and talking about it. It’s not complicated.

Everyone else is sensibly ignoring you. I’ll follow their example. 😊

sweetsuzie · 08/02/2023 13:17

And ignoring you too, for your lack of experience and empathy in the matter.

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