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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Received a message

230 replies

Imagineit · 06/02/2023 18:25

Received a message today from a Facebook profile which was suspicious (no other friends) lady sent me a friend request then messaged to say
'DP (named) is not to be trusted'
I asked for clarification.
She said he was involved with her 'friend'
The profile listed a town nowhere near us so I asked where friend lived and she named town right by us.

DP's reaction to all this had been weird. He's more annoyed at me than anything and feels so hard done by but venomously denied it.

I'm so confused. It seems a lot of effort from someone to create a profile to contact me if there's nothing in it. DP says maybe it's a bot.

I've asked this person for more details but they haven't responded to me in a few hours. My head is scrambled!

OP posts:
CatchHimDerry · 06/02/2023 20:45

Family member had this, the “messenger” was the OW

Cheater in question turned whole family against each other, massive fallout that continues to this day

He is still with both the OW and wife

Its a shambles

CoconutQueen · 06/02/2023 20:46

Good luck OP

VouloirCestPouvoir · 06/02/2023 20:46

rwalker · 06/02/2023 20:40

Wouldn’t you be pissed off if someone did this to you

I would

Show quote history

Of course. You misunderstood. I meant it's a red flag. What's your problem?

VouloirCestPouvoir · 06/02/2023 20:52

Have you even read the OP's responses @rwalker? her DH was angry when she confronted him. So I was referring to that.
I've tried to help as far as I'm aware but will butt out since I'm causing offence.

MadeForThis · 06/02/2023 21:01

A bot? Really?

Mercyovermerit · 06/02/2023 21:02

I had same around July of 2019. Random lady messaged me on FB. Her words to me were “ your husband is a cheater “. I looked through her profile.. of course, no friends in common. Then I remembered this strange individual attacking me on a post on twitter. It was her ! But at this point , she’d blocked me.
Checked on LinkedIn, same !

Anyway, I responded to the message & thanked her .. asked for details but she came back with “ sorry , wrong person “. Of all accounts on FB !! Lol. How she found me, I’ll never know , seeing as I use my maiden name on FB so I could connect with folks from my childhood.

Of course, I asked my DH if he knew her. Yes. They worked together in Manchester. We lived in London at the time. The penny dropped.

Wait for it… She was the OW ! Not sure what happened between them that she chose to expose him , but I later found messages between them on his phone. Him asking why she’d messaged me & her saying he treated her badly , even though he’d lied about his relationship status but she chose to be with him regardless, even after finding out the truth. …..

My point is ,the lady that messaged you is probably the one he’s involved with.

AmandaHoldensLips · 06/02/2023 21:18

Anyone being protective of their phone from their own wife has something to hide.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2023 21:18

I personally wouldn't mention it again to him unless you have evidence, as he'll keep denying it.

Another thing is, if he is cheating... will it be the end of the relationship? If you feel it would be, you can tell him he had one chance to come clean, or there'll be no coming back when it all comes out.

Only say that, if it really would be the end ..otherwise say nothing and sit tight to you have proof.

Mylaferret · 06/02/2023 21:31

Yeah it doesn't look good op, sorry to say.

Happygone · 06/02/2023 21:58

I would wait til you get a reply

sweetsuzie · 06/02/2023 22:13

Remember it takes about 2 yrs to get over ptsd it does not have to be over. Good luck.

Heyboooo · 06/02/2023 22:27

Did you call/get through? X

Wagsandclaws · 06/02/2023 22:28

I'd say it's probably true as well.

My Dh wouldn't hesitate to show me his phone in this situation.

I hope you get some resolution op.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 06/02/2023 22:36

A bot?!?! Really?!?! Fgs.

well, I dont trust him and ive never met him. But i hope theres another explanation for you.

good96 · 06/02/2023 23:06

There’s no smoke without fire.

A fake account has most definitely been created to hide the real identity of the person sending you the messages.

Backtoblack1 · 06/02/2023 23:10

The messenger is probably the other woman.

Original poster
Imagineit · 06/02/2023 23:16

Hey everyone. This did not go well. I didn't get through to the messenger busy phoning. I confronted DP and asked what was going on. I said he needed to tell me what was going on and that I didn't believe him. He got so so angry. I said show me messages on your phones and he lost it, ranting raving, throwing stuff then eventually left the house and had gone to his brothers. Before he left he skimmed me through some messages, all the while screaming at me. Thing is, he was in the bathroom after I asked to see them so could easily have deleted them.

I sound like a mad woman but I just want to know what is going on. He has just driven two hours to his brothers house

OP posts:
IWineAndDontDine · 06/02/2023 23:18

Goodness me. Hope you are holding up OK 💕

Backtoblack1 · 06/02/2023 23:21

Sounds guilty as hell. Hope you’re ok x

redastherose · 06/02/2023 23:21

His reaction is exactly what happens when you've caught him bang to rights! Don't worry about him or where he's gone try and find out more information from the person who messaged if you can but I'd bet he's been cheating. Sorry OP

blackbeardsballsack · 06/02/2023 23:22

Imagineit · 06/02/2023 23:16

Hey everyone. This did not go well. I didn't get through to the messenger busy phoning. I confronted DP and asked what was going on. I said he needed to tell me what was going on and that I didn't believe him. He got so so angry. I said show me messages on your phones and he lost it, ranting raving, throwing stuff then eventually left the house and had gone to his brothers. Before he left he skimmed me through some messages, all the while screaming at me. Thing is, he was in the bathroom after I asked to see them so could easily have deleted them.

I sound like a mad woman but I just want to know what is going on. He has just driven two hours to his brothers house

After that, you don't even need to know any more. That should be enough for you to make your decision.

Testng123 · 06/02/2023 23:23

You are not the mad one here. A reasonable person wouldn't have an issue with showing their phone...they would have nothing to hide.

Original poster
Imagineit · 06/02/2023 23:23

I can't help feeling like I've done wrong here. It's so shitty. Just wish this woman would reply or I had concrete facts. He's away tomorrow so I'm going to turn the house upside down looking for bank statements and such

OP posts:
SouperNoodle · 06/02/2023 23:25

He 100% sounds insanely guilty.
If he accused you of cheating would you scream at him or would you do literally everything in your power to prove that you'd done nothing wrong?
He's turning it around on you to make you look like the bad guy and take the heat off him.

If he went to the bathroom after you asked to see his phone and then came out and showed you, he definitely deleted all the incriminating messages.
He is trying so hard to play you!

Irisheyesareshining · 06/02/2023 23:26

He’s playing the victim card ! My guess he’s guilty and trying to make out you’re the trouble maker .

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