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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New boyfriend and how he responded when I cancelled plans due to being sick

214 replies

Bestbuys4 · 04/02/2023 19:54

Could someone give me some perspective on this-
My boyfriend of 7 months has made plans today to go to the pub this afternoon with his friends. I too was going, some of his friends were bringing their partners and some weren’t.
I haven’t been well past few days with a headache, just been coming and going and I haven’t been sleeping well. Today is the first day in a number of weeks my children are with their dad. I was looking forward to going out, got my hair done etc. woke up this morning feeling awful, sore head, sore ear and exhausted.
Boyfriend new I hadn’t been feeling well. I told him I wouldn’t make it out today that I needed to rest (kids will be back tomorrow).
he was annoyed and said I wasn’t making the effort. He was extra annoyed that I went to the shop (to get painkillers and collect a parcel from same shop) when I couldn’t go to meet them at the pub to watch the match. Was I really out of order? He said if I was so sick why haven’t I called the doctor and that he didn’t believe me when I said I had taken some painkillers. I tried to explain there is a big difference to nipping to the shopping and sitting in the pub all day

OP posts:
cunningartificer · 05/02/2023 15:57

Make the decision easy for him by explaining first that you don't want to see him... not this week or at all . Not only is he controlling, assuming that you're lying, and rather selfish not to think about your well-being but he is now trying to punish you!

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 05/02/2023 15:58

You've been poorly. This should be about concern for you, and seeing what he can do to help and make you feel better. Not about the pub and his mates.

He's a selfish arse, and I'm positive you can do way better. I really hope you feel better soon. 💐

Eleganz · 05/02/2023 15:59

OP, when people show you who they are, believe them.

BensonStabler · 05/02/2023 16:10

glitterfarts · 05/02/2023 15:53

He's showing you loud and clear who he is. Make sure you're listening.
This is a test to see if you'll accept his abuse. If you stay with him, he'll ramp it up.

He should already be your ex. Don't waste anymore time on this abusive man.

another one so right.

it’s a test. you accept the abuse and he ramps it up. You increasingly lower the bar of what you let him away with. They wear you down gradually until you don’t recognise your self and question your own sanity. It’s insidious. If these abusers showed people right off the bat how abusive, controlling and evil they are, they would never get a partner. So they fake being nice and normal for as long as possible, then slowly it builds up, by the time you realise you are hooked. I know it hurts and may seem rash to end it, but i promise it’s for the best and you will be glad in the end when you have gotten past the emotions that are keeping you bonded.

Daisymaker · 05/02/2023 16:10

Tell him to fuck off

MargotMoon · 05/02/2023 16:16

@Soothsayer1 I get what you are saying but he needs to be called out on his shitty behaviour and understand how he's made her feel. (He probably won't get it but he could read silence as a guilty conscience and I feel like women need to stand up for themselves more!)

Sugargliderwombat · 05/02/2023 16:18

This man is manipulating you ! Make the decision. Say "its best we don't see each other this week." And then in that week give yourself a good talking too about how you don't need him and can do so much better !

GhostsJulianforPrimeMinister · 05/02/2023 16:46

Please tell us you are going to let him know he can stay away forever if he likes... horrid bloke by the sounds of it !

Soothsayer1 · 05/02/2023 17:22

MargotMoon · 05/02/2023 16:16

@Soothsayer1 I get what you are saying but he needs to be called out on his shitty behaviour and understand how he's made her feel. (He probably won't get it but he could read silence as a guilty conscience and I feel like women need to stand up for themselves more!)

I dont disagree, but looking at the contempt he clearly has for her my feeling is that nothing she says will really land, any engagement will tend to draw him back, I would want to just get away from him and leave him to his own fate.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 05/02/2023 17:28

Part of being an adult is deciding who gets your time.

And then acting on your decision.

Only you can decide to walk away.

xprincessxjanetx · 05/02/2023 23:28

Honestly OP, you are well rid. He sounds absolutely awful and if he is prepared to treat you like this over something so inconsequential after 7 months of dating then what would he be like if you married him and had children with him?!

Shouldweno2 · 06/02/2023 02:02

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

You're not going to kick him to the curb are you?

He's going to fuck your life up. You know it. We know it. But you're going to do it anyway.

You could choose life, but you're going to choose him - just so incredibly predictable and sad.

Soothsayer1 · 06/02/2023 11:46

Shouldweno2 · 06/02/2023 02:02

You're not going to kick him to the curb are you?

He's going to fuck your life up. You know it. We know it. But you're going to do it anyway.

You could choose life, but you're going to choose him - just so incredibly predictable and sad.

Show quote history

I think we should cut the OP a bit of slack, those rose tinted spectacles can be very persistent, the fact that he has targeted her at all suggests that she he is the 'right' kind of victim for his particular type of scam so it will be hard for her to resist.
Hope you see the light eventually OP

America12 · 06/02/2023 14:42

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

Make the decision for him

MargotMoon · 07/02/2023 12:28

Agree that we shouldn't be too harsh kn the OP. It's a lot easier to be strong on Mumsnet than it is in real life!

"Let she who has never let a man be a twat to her cast the first stone..." I think that's how the saying goes, isn't it?!

Delectable · 07/02/2023 12:31

He could come round with a hot meal, pain killers and pick up the parcel on his way? This guy will give you so much trauma of you continue with or marry him.

PritiPatelsMaker · 07/02/2023 14:03

How are things today @Bestbuys4?

He's been truly horrible to you and I know how upset you must be Flowers

Original poster
Bestbuys4 · 07/02/2023 14:23

So I ended it with him yesterday. he actually asked me for a chat and said it wasn’t working for him. I think in an attempt to make me feel bad. I said I agreed and said you’re right and we’re not a good match and told him he would be better having a chat with himself about how he treats women. He didn’t want to hear it though. Thanks for everyone’s advice

OP posts:
Magpiesalute · 07/02/2023 14:34

Yes!! Well done. That can’t have been easy but it’s 100% the right thing. What a dick.

Soothsayer1 · 07/02/2023 14:35

Nice one, he expected you to plead with him, ask him what you could do to make it work for him etc
But you didn't, you told him straight, you handled it brilliantly🥇

LaFemmeDamnee · 07/02/2023 14:37

Bloody good for you. I bet he was expecting you to plead and grovel with him to forgive you and take you back. You've saved yourself a world of grief here.

Hope you're feeling better.

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 14:37

You are well rid OP.

Please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk so you are more alert to arseholes like him.

Spudlet · 07/02/2023 14:46

Hooray! Well done op. In The Bin with that one 💪

rainbowstardrops · 07/02/2023 14:47

Well done! You're worth more than him!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/02/2023 15:00

Well done!

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