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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New boyfriend and how he responded when I cancelled plans due to being sick

214 replies

Bestbuys4 · 04/02/2023 19:54

Could someone give me some perspective on this-
My boyfriend of 7 months has made plans today to go to the pub this afternoon with his friends. I too was going, some of his friends were bringing their partners and some weren’t.
I haven’t been well past few days with a headache, just been coming and going and I haven’t been sleeping well. Today is the first day in a number of weeks my children are with their dad. I was looking forward to going out, got my hair done etc. woke up this morning feeling awful, sore head, sore ear and exhausted.
Boyfriend new I hadn’t been feeling well. I told him I wouldn’t make it out today that I needed to rest (kids will be back tomorrow).
he was annoyed and said I wasn’t making the effort. He was extra annoyed that I went to the shop (to get painkillers and collect a parcel from same shop) when I couldn’t go to meet them at the pub to watch the match. Was I really out of order? He said if I was so sick why haven’t I called the doctor and that he didn’t believe me when I said I had taken some painkillers. I tried to explain there is a big difference to nipping to the shopping and sitting in the pub all day

OP posts:

Scout2016 · 04/02/2023 21:12

I hope (you feel better soon.)

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/02/2023 21:15

Why didn't he bring painkillers to you?

Reugny · 04/02/2023 21:16

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/02/2023 21:15

Why didn't he bring painkillers to you?

We all know why.

WeeOrcadian · 04/02/2023 21:27

He's a walking red flag. Throw him back, you deserve better.

Skodacool · 04/02/2023 21:28

Dump him.

SherlockStones · 04/02/2023 21:30

This is a harbinger of things to come.

Toosensitiv · 04/02/2023 21:37

Red flag. At 7 months you'd think he'd be texting saying - awwww, shall I come over after the match then? Do you need anything? And texting to see how you're feeling.

Instead he's controlling, manipulative and guilt tripping you. Dump and run.

FinallyHere · 04/02/2023 21:43

Reugny · 04/02/2023 20:08

When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.

Maya Angelou lived through a lot so believe her red flag warning and put him back in that sea.

This

Just, absolutely, completely this.

MzHz · 04/02/2023 21:43

Bestbuys4 · 04/02/2023 20:50

Thanks for all your replies.
I’ve spent the day trying to justify how sick I am. And felt bad as if I am overreacting.
he hasn’t once asked how I am

Yeah this is a binnable offence

just end it. He’s not there for you and now you know this

Goodread1 · 04/02/2023 21:47

He sounds like A grade one Arsehole

He should have shown some concern such as Are you ok?
What can I do for you as in do you need painkillers ect from a shop

This is should be honeymoon period and he already is acting like this,

Take heed listen and get rid off
At least you have had a lucky escape from this one,
He is not even friend material let alone potential partner material...

At least he is showing you his true colours
So you don't waste anymore time with him thats got to be one positive thing out of this isn't it...

eatsleeppaddle · 04/02/2023 21:50

Please dump him. He needs to know that's not how you react to someone being poorly.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/02/2023 21:52

Suggestion: step back. He is showing zero empathy towards you, and your response is to doubt yourself. That's not healthy.

Repeat to yourself: I am an adult, I'm in charge of life, I can make decisions about what's best for me

Goodread1 · 04/02/2023 21:53

I don't expect him to stay home all night with you feeding you chicken soup ect

Obviously Bonus points if he had considered doing that

He is just another Arsehole.

No great loss whatever

JudgeRudy · 04/02/2023 21:53

Not liking the sound of this one. If you were meeting new friends in particular I can understand him being disappointed and perhaps letting this get in the way of his common sense however if does sound controlling. I always find too thstvits dishonest people who accuse others of the same.
If this is your first 'disagreement ' and he's otherwise a decent person l might let it go depending on what he says when you next see him. If it's all about him saying how awkward he felt because everyone was asking where you were (ie about him) I'd call it quits. If he is his usual pleasant self and hopefully asks about you, then I'd accept it as a blip, you'll have one yourself I'm sure.....but the cards marked

strawberry2017 · 04/02/2023 21:56

Arsehole is the name I would be giving him.
I would then be telling him it is him not me and ending it.

Sugargliderwombat · 04/02/2023 22:01

Wow, major prick. Please dump him.

skippymcflippy · 04/02/2023 22:02

What a dick.
Get rid.
Sorry, but that's just not on. How the hell else are you supposed to get painkillers if you don't go to a shop?
Does he not understand painkillers help but aren't magic bullets which mean you can just carry on and go to the pub and watch a match, with all the associated noise?
He has shown no concern for you, has been annoyed when there is no reason to be annoyed and accused you of lying.

Johnduttonsbuttocks · 04/02/2023 22:03

Yep, he should get in the bin.

Spudlet · 04/02/2023 22:30

When DH and I were just dating, I got quite a nasty flu-type bug that turned into a chest infection; and that man used to finish work and drive an hour over just to sit with me while I accumulated tissues and shivered in my bed. He never moaned once. Which is one of the reasons why he was a keeper.

This one? Imagine what he’s going to be like if you’re sick when you live together and maybe have small children together - doesn’t sound like he’s going to be stepping up and bringing you a cup of tea in bed so you can rest. Taking care of the children so you don’t have to stress. Doing the basic things a good partner would do for the person they love, in other words. Which is a low bar, but one an alarming number of men seem to fall over, looking at these boards.

Not a keeper. Back into the sea with him.

StarsSand · 04/02/2023 23:10

Dump him.

People who are this inflexible usually turn abusive. It shows no respect or understanding of you as a separate autonomous person.

To him- You're only as good as your ability to fit around him.

Original poster

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 08:36

Yeah I think it’s a bit of a red flag too.
he said he’s annoyed because he was looking forward to us spending the day together and it was important to him. I said I was too and wish I wasn’t unwell. He just kept texting then saying I had pissed him off. He was meant to come here to stay after but he text to say he wouldn’t be coming which I think was an attempt to ‘punish’ me

OP posts:

perfectcolourfound · 05/02/2023 08:46

Hi @Bestbuys4 I hope you're feeling a bit better today. There are a few warning signs here, that you need to listen to:

You're ill and he doesn't care. Hasn't checked up on you / asked if he can drop anything off or just keep you company for a bit. That's what a normal, caring person would do if a friend or family member was ill.
You cancel, for very good reasons, and he gets angry / sulks / wants to punish you.
He doesn't believe that you're ill. ie he doesn't trust you. OR he does believe you're ill but thinks you should pretend you aren't, and make yourself feel dreadful by going out, because his needs are more important than yours.

His total lack of care or concern or understanding for you is shocking.

And that leads me to WHY he was like this (not that there is any good reason for his awful behaviour). It certainly isn't that he loves you so much, he couldn't wait to see you and just wanted to be with you. (If that was the reason, well he could have offered to come and keep you company). No - I think he's angry that you've shown him you have your own needs. You weren't willing to drop everything at his command. He wants to be in control of you and the fact you've stood up for your own needs has made him angry.

Whatever his 'reason' it isn't a loving one. He hasn't even tried to apoligise, but is still trying to punish you.

I beg you to get rid. This is not a good man. He will get worse.

category12 · 05/02/2023 08:49

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 08:36

Oh ditch him.

Imagine this kind of crap when living together or if you had children together. Spoiler: it won't improve, it'll get worse. You won't be 'allowed' to be ill or tired.

This fish stinks. Throw him back.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2023 08:54

Do not ignore the many red flags re this bloke.

This relationship should now end. Dump him by text. You do not owe him anything, let alone a relationship here. Love your own self for a change.

Do also read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Flowerpotspring · 05/02/2023 08:54

He sounds like a pathetic teenage boy not a grown man

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