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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New boyfriend and how he responded when I cancelled plans due to being sick

214 replies

Bestbuys4 · 04/02/2023 19:54

Could someone give me some perspective on this-
My boyfriend of 7 months has made plans today to go to the pub this afternoon with his friends. I too was going, some of his friends were bringing their partners and some weren’t.
I haven’t been well past few days with a headache, just been coming and going and I haven’t been sleeping well. Today is the first day in a number of weeks my children are with their dad. I was looking forward to going out, got my hair done etc. woke up this morning feeling awful, sore head, sore ear and exhausted.
Boyfriend new I hadn’t been feeling well. I told him I wouldn’t make it out today that I needed to rest (kids will be back tomorrow).
he was annoyed and said I wasn’t making the effort. He was extra annoyed that I went to the shop (to get painkillers and collect a parcel from same shop) when I couldn’t go to meet them at the pub to watch the match. Was I really out of order? He said if I was so sick why haven’t I called the doctor and that he didn’t believe me when I said I had taken some painkillers. I tried to explain there is a big difference to nipping to the shopping and sitting in the pub all day

OP posts:
Johnduttonsbuttocks · 05/02/2023 13:42

Please take control of this and tell him to fuck off.

CJCreggsGoldfish · 05/02/2023 13:45

Don’t let him do this to you OP. He’s training you so next time you’ll know what’s coming and comply. Tell him to fuck off…you deserve better than this.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 05/02/2023 13:46

Tell him you don't wish to see him again and block.

I honestly do not understand how you would even consider keeping someone like that in your life for one more minute.

loobylou10 · 05/02/2023 13:47

Bestbuys4
Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

Take that decision out of hands and dump NOW. Please.

dickdarstardlymuttley · 05/02/2023 13:51

LTB

Sparkletastic · 05/02/2023 13:52

Take back control and end it OP.

Nagado · 05/02/2023 13:52

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

He’s doing that because you’re still trying to appease him by doing things like worrying about telling him you’re going for a walk, like you’re the one who’s in the wrong. He’s punishing you for not doing what he wanted and he knows that he’ll get away with it because you’re standing for his nonsense.

The only way this will stop is if you tell him to go fuck himself.

WhenDovesFly · 05/02/2023 13:52

If he's not sure if he wants to see you then make his mind up for him. Tell him he won't be seeing you this week, or any future weeks. What a knob. You deserve better than this OP.

gamerchick · 05/02/2023 13:54

Christ, just send him a text saying you don't want to see him anymore. This behaviour just gets worse.

He's clearly telling you who he is and do you really want to be treading on eggshells being scared to tell him stuff?

Newestname002 · 05/02/2023 13:58

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

Good. Some preemptive action on your part is called for. Text back that that that's OK, as you no longer wish to be in this relationship, then block and delete. 🌹

bobbytorq · 05/02/2023 13:58

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

Please block him and never speak to him again.

TedMullins · 05/02/2023 13:59

Just dump him he’s a nasty piece of work. This isn’t how people who care about you behave

Theeaglesoared · 05/02/2023 14:02

Raise your bar OP. There are lots of lovely men out there. This one is pathetic.

Mummacake · 05/02/2023 14:07

Bestbuys4 · 04/02/2023 20:50

Thanks for all your replies.
I’ve spent the day trying to justify how sick I am. And felt bad as if I am overreacting.
he hasn’t once asked how I am

And there's your answer right there. You're unwell yet he's making you question yourself. He's gaslighting you and he needs to be binned off. Red flags all over it.

aModernClassic · 05/02/2023 14:07

loobylou10 · 05/02/2023 13:47

Bestbuys4
Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

Take that decision out of hands and dump NOW. Please.

This. He's being controlling and abusive. Take back control, and block him. He will be cross and them ask for forgiveness. But please don't go back to him. As he will do this again and again.

Heavydirtysou1 · 05/02/2023 14:07

I don't get how you can suddenly expect to go back to normal after this, would he say I'm sorry that was unreasonable of me? That's the best you can hope for in this scenario. Him owning up to being a dick, and there being some context that explains why he felt so disappointed, but knows it was completely not ok and when he is calm is clear that he does trust you. If that doesn't happen, you should dump him. It will only get worse from here in on. At 7 months, when you have kids so presumably your time together has some limitations, you should be wholly in a loved up happy state.

Heavydirtysou1 · 05/02/2023 14:11

I didn't see your update about not knowing if he wants to see you, that absolutely seals the deal- dump and run for the hills. He sounds like a monster. You will feel so good if you simply say, no problem, as this relationship isn't going to work for me.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 05/02/2023 14:15

Newestname002 · 05/02/2023 13:58

Good. Some preemptive action on your part is called for. Text back that that that's OK, as you no longer wish to be in this relationship, then block and delete. 🌹

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

Spudlet · 05/02/2023 14:16

Bloody hell. Ditch the bastard. He won’t change.

mattyd · 05/02/2023 14:18

Were there small signs of this sort of behaviour before OP? There usually are.

I'd block him, he wouldn't get the chance to talk to me like that again.

RosaMoline · 05/02/2023 14:22

I really hope your next update is that you’ve dumped this awful man, OP.

Pinkbonbon · 05/02/2023 14:24

He's awful. What do you mean he 'doesn't believe' you? Dude, byyyyye then!

Don't date 'people' like him. At best they are low grade emotional abusers. At worse...not so low grade.

Nothingbuttheglory · 05/02/2023 14:25

Dump the mother ducker already. He's an obvious abuser.

If there are any of his belongings still at your place, bag them up and drop them at his house (outside it, don't ring the bell) tomorrow. Don't let him use anything of yours at his house to manipulate you. Send him one message that makes it clear you don't wish to have any more contact with him and don't reply after that. If he threatens you, contact the police.

It's always upsetting to be treated like shit, especially when you're ill, but the sooner you dump him the sooner you dodge the bullet.

Monr0e · 05/02/2023 14:27

Why on earth are you putting up with this?
Why are you spending your time trying to justify yourself to him?
It's been 7 months. He's an arse, do you really want to expose your children to this kind of person?

He sounds like he already has you bending over backwards to please him. Please tell him to fuck right off before he wears you down even more

Dontknownow86 · 05/02/2023 14:28

6-7 months in is when abusive arseholes start integrating some of that behaviour as they think you're on the hook. Don't let the fact that he's maybe been Ok til now give you pause for doubt, try to take a step back and be objective. What would you say to a friend that told you this? This is wildly unreasonable behaviour and he knows it.

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