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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New boyfriend and how he responded when I cancelled plans due to being sick

214 replies

Bestbuys4 · 04/02/2023 19:54

Could someone give me some perspective on this-
My boyfriend of 7 months has made plans today to go to the pub this afternoon with his friends. I too was going, some of his friends were bringing their partners and some weren’t.
I haven’t been well past few days with a headache, just been coming and going and I haven’t been sleeping well. Today is the first day in a number of weeks my children are with their dad. I was looking forward to going out, got my hair done etc. woke up this morning feeling awful, sore head, sore ear and exhausted.
Boyfriend new I hadn’t been feeling well. I told him I wouldn’t make it out today that I needed to rest (kids will be back tomorrow).
he was annoyed and said I wasn’t making the effort. He was extra annoyed that I went to the shop (to get painkillers and collect a parcel from same shop) when I couldn’t go to meet them at the pub to watch the match. Was I really out of order? He said if I was so sick why haven’t I called the doctor and that he didn’t believe me when I said I had taken some painkillers. I tried to explain there is a big difference to nipping to the shopping and sitting in the pub all day

OP posts:
Mummacake · 05/02/2023 14:37

aModernClassic · 05/02/2023 14:07

This. He's being controlling and abusive. Take back control, and block him. He will be cross and them ask for forgiveness. But please don't go back to him. As he will do this again and again.

Show quote history

All of the above and more. Block and delete is the only response to an abusive arse. You & your kids deserve more than tiptoeing around someone who is showing you how he plans to control you and demands that you put his needs above your own. He'll also want priority over your kids too so do yourself a favour and get out now.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 05/02/2023 14:42

OP, most people have suggested a really active, you-focussed response: dump him. And this is without a doubt the only sane response from someone with good self-esteem.

I think you need to ask yourself why you, on the other hand, are being so passive and him-focussed. I'm guessing low self-esteem. Please believe us all: you need to DO something here and that something is dump him. Else your self-esteem will decrease as time goes by Sad

dontputitthere · 05/02/2023 14:46

Why is he still in control of the situation?

He doesn't know if he wants to see you?

Well you know. You don't want to see him

He's punishing you for being ill. I'm not sure what you're hoping to get out of this. You said you think you need to end it. Surely this is your out. If he's going to be this shitty to you for being ill. Otherwise where's your line? Are you going to tolerate more crappy behaviour?

BensonStabler · 05/02/2023 15:06

the posts from @perfectcolourfound are SPOT ON

I can say with 100% conference this will turn into an abusive controlling relationship. This is how it starts.

My abusive Narc Ex used to do this exact thing.

FinallyHere · 05/02/2023 15:15

which I think was an attempt to ‘punish’ me

Whatever else you do in life, do not allow anyone who punishes you for being sick to have any part of your life.

Sorry, but it's best to know this early in.

I'm one of those who say you should see how someone reacts to being told know as early as possible in a relationship.

Lalliella · 05/02/2023 15:15

OP you deserve someone who cares about you and is concerned when you’re ill. it’s not much of a relationship when he doesn’t do these things. Dump, block, move on.

AlwaysGinPlease · 05/02/2023 15:17

Run. He's bad news.

Lalliella · 05/02/2023 15:17

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

Hadn’t read all your posts when I posted. He’s not speaking to you? What a fucking man child. Make the decision for him about whether he sees you or not this week please OP. Let it be a no for this week and forever. You deserve far better.

winterbegone · 05/02/2023 15:21

I wouldn't give him the choice, are you stringing this out only to let him know you won't be seeing him once he's decided to see you again?

BensonStabler · 05/02/2023 15:23

The punishing you is classic abuser.

PLEASE I beg, dump this bastard. If not for your self, please do it for your children!

I cannot express into words the HELL you have ahead of you if you let him away with this. He will gas lights you, punish you and silent treatment, being cold to get his way. Then if he feels he is losing you because you are going to leave him, he will flip it to being an emotional victim who love bombs the shit out of you, and will apologies and agree to do better. (he’s not capable) He won’t change, and will only get worse. His apologies are not genuine, only another tool in his control belt, and his tears and “love” is not the love you feel. He’s not capable. people who completely lack empathy are not capable of it. They see you as a possession and you meet certain needs that feeds his ego. He will be on his best behaviour for a couple weeks then go back to being an asshole because this is who he is. After the apology love bombing stage, it cycles back to the abuse.

I cannot shout this loud enough. RUN!!

I Wish someone helped point these things out to me when it was still early stages and encouraged me to leave.

IsThePopeCatholic · 05/02/2023 15:26

He’s a selfish pig. Dump him.

BensonStabler · 05/02/2023 15:30

Soothsayer1 · 05/02/2023 12:27

I wouldn't say any of that, it will draw him back in and he'll use it as an opportunity to manipulate you and make you feel bad.
Just drop him
Just leave him twisting in the wind
He will find that much more insulting and painful than any response that you could give him because what he wants is attention and validation, cut him off, give him nothing.
He is not worth your time

Show quote history

@Soothsayer1 You are so right about this OP please listen carefully from those who have been there.

If i sound dramatic it’s because the things these types of men put you through is dramatic, they leave you emotionally scarred and I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. I just want to spare you that pain. Especially as a Mum.

BlueLabel · 05/02/2023 15:31

Oh god walk away now. It shouldn't matter whether he wants to see you or not, his behaviour is a clear sign that he's not worth spending any more energy on. No decent person responds that way to a partner being ill.

Let him know it's over, block and hope you're back to feeling 100% soon

BensonStabler · 05/02/2023 15:39

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/02/2023 13:32

He's a manipulative arse who clearly thinks his presence is some sort of reward for you and that not having his company is a punishment. Read back one of your posts - he felt you 'pissed him off' because you were unwell.

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@MrsDanversGlidesAgain is a totally right.

aargh. It’s so frustrating, we truly see your bf for who he is because we now know the signs. Red flags all over the place.

OP I hope you find the strength and self worth to end things. This isn’t just a petty row that you can get passed. He is fundamentally broken, there’s no fixing him or improving your situation by bending to his will so as not to upset him. The littlest things will set this guy off. Imagine when it’s a big thing!

please read up on this behaviour and personality type.

Rainbowshine · 05/02/2023 15:41

Every update just reinforces that he’s only interested in himself and that he expects you to comply to his demands. A relationship is never going to be good when it’s run by one person. It is scary that you have probably been “groomed” over the last 7 months to think that he’s somehow in charge or control of you and that you have to justify basic normal things to him. I think things like the Freedom Programme and the book Why Does He Do That might be worth you looking at.

He ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see you this week - hurray! I think you should text him back saying “That’s ok I don’t ever want to see or hear from you again ever, it’s over. You have shown me that you have no regard for me or my feelings and that’s a dealbreaker. Don’t bother trying to persuade me otherwise, I am done with you “.

It might be good to block, sometimes seeing the reaction, even if uncomfortable, gives you an idea of whether he’s going to be a nuisance or will just want the last word and then flounce away.

BensonStabler · 05/02/2023 15:42

CJCreggsGoldfish · 05/02/2023 13:45

Don’t let him do this to you OP. He’s training you so next time you’ll know what’s coming and comply. Tell him to fuck off…you deserve better than this.

THIS!

MadMadMadamMim · 05/02/2023 15:42

Dump him. His behaviour is unacceptable. There's no excusing it.

I'd do the courtesy of sending one text that said, 'Your attitude to my feeling ill has raised massive red flags with me. It's utterly irrelevant if you aren't sure you want to see me this week now. Because of your behaviour I don't ever want to see you ever again. Bye'.

Then I'd block.

This one is awful - be glad you didn't waste any more time than a few months on him. He won't get better.

BensonStabler · 05/02/2023 15:43

Nagado · 05/02/2023 13:52

He’s doing that because you’re still trying to appease him by doing things like worrying about telling him you’re going for a walk, like you’re the one who’s in the wrong. He’s punishing you for not doing what he wanted and he knows that he’ll get away with it because you’re standing for his nonsense.

The only way this will stop is if you tell him to go fuck himself.

Show quote history

ALSO THIS

Copperoliverbear · 05/02/2023 15:46

Tell him to fuck off, dump him and block him, it will only get worse. X

BensonStabler · 05/02/2023 15:46

aModernClassic · 05/02/2023 14:07

This. He's being controlling and abusive. Take back control, and block him. He will be cross and them ask for forgiveness. But please don't go back to him. As he will do this again and again.

Show quote history

This too

Shows so many people have been there and done this. Sad. Be strong OP Flowers

Janblues · 05/02/2023 15:51

Chuck this one back, he's not a keeper.

glitterfarts · 05/02/2023 15:53

He's showing you loud and clear who he is. Make sure you're listening.
This is a test to see if you'll accept his abuse. If you stay with him, he'll ramp it up.

He should already be your ex. Don't waste anymore time on this abusive man.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 05/02/2023 15:55

This isn't just a red flag, this is fucking reams and reams of red flag bunting!!

Get out now!!

anonymousMuse · 05/02/2023 15:55

Oh love no, he "doesn't know if he wants to see you?" Fuck that. A man, when you tell him you're ill, at the very least sends you something along the lines of an aww babes no, is there anything you need? Do you want me to drop painkillers off/walk your dog/mow your lawn/resurface your driveway depending on how long you've been together and what you're most likely to appreciate! What you have bagged yourself there is a manchild. Who needs to be the centre of the universe no matter what is going on around him. I would suggest a simply text along the lines of, "please don't worry about deciding if you want to see me as I won't be dating you any more. I don't have to justify my illness, presence or absence. Enjoy the pub and I wish you well. Goodbye."

BensonStabler · 05/02/2023 15:55

Rainbowshine · 05/02/2023 15:41

Every update just reinforces that he’s only interested in himself and that he expects you to comply to his demands. A relationship is never going to be good when it’s run by one person. It is scary that you have probably been “groomed” over the last 7 months to think that he’s somehow in charge or control of you and that you have to justify basic normal things to him. I think things like the Freedom Programme and the book Why Does He Do That might be worth you looking at.

He ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see you this week - hurray! I think you should text him back saying “That’s ok I don’t ever want to see or hear from you again ever, it’s over. You have shown me that you have no regard for me or my feelings and that’s a dealbreaker. Don’t bother trying to persuade me otherwise, I am done with you “.

It might be good to block, sometimes seeing the reaction, even if uncomfortable, gives you an idea of whether he’s going to be a nuisance or will just want the last word and then flounce away.

So true.

I also second/third that you look into the freedom program and read why does he do that.

These guys can retaliate, stalk and make your life hell when you leave, as they cannot stand losing complete control of you and the entitlement that you are ‘his’ property.

I am too hoping it is early enough that he gets that need for the last word and then just goes away.

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