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Original poster

New boyfriend and how he responded when I cancelled plans due to being sick

214 replies

Bestbuys4 · 04/02/2023 19:54

Could someone give me some perspective on this-
My boyfriend of 7 months has made plans today to go to the pub this afternoon with his friends. I too was going, some of his friends were bringing their partners and some weren’t.
I haven’t been well past few days with a headache, just been coming and going and I haven’t been sleeping well. Today is the first day in a number of weeks my children are with their dad. I was looking forward to going out, got my hair done etc. woke up this morning feeling awful, sore head, sore ear and exhausted.
Boyfriend new I hadn’t been feeling well. I told him I wouldn’t make it out today that I needed to rest (kids will be back tomorrow).
he was annoyed and said I wasn’t making the effort. He was extra annoyed that I went to the shop (to get painkillers and collect a parcel from same shop) when I couldn’t go to meet them at the pub to watch the match. Was I really out of order? He said if I was so sick why haven’t I called the doctor and that he didn’t believe me when I said I had taken some painkillers. I tried to explain there is a big difference to nipping to the shopping and sitting in the pub all day

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 05/02/2023 08:58

Sorry I missed something out that I meant to say....

He treated you terribly. Yet you are second-guessing yourself, wondering if you've been unreasonable, trying to engage with him, apologising for letting him down. This is a really dangerous dynamic. The only person who should be apologising here is him. Profusely. Even then I don't think I could look at him the same again. DO NOT get in to a dynamic where you feel you have to please him, to apologise even if you've done nothing wrong, where he punishes you if you don't show him (what he thinks is) due defrence. Really, really dangerous territory, and not how good healthy relationships work.

Secondly, in really simple terms - you are ill. You've been ill for days. It came to a head. Did your bf a) show sympathy and try to make things better for you, or b) make your life miserable and make it all about him and his wants?

Not a man you want or need in your life.

XmasElf10 · 05/02/2023 08:59

If you don’t ditch him for this now at first offence you’ll be back here in 12 months complaining that he’s an unreasonable arsehole and you don’t know what to do about it. This is who he is. He is not very nice.

JennyDarlingRIP · 05/02/2023 09:01

Oh absolutely get rid. What an arse.

MissingMoominMamma · 05/02/2023 09:05

Oh dear- he’s blown it hasn’t he?

eish · 05/02/2023 09:10

Definitely ditch him

Newyearnewmeow · 05/02/2023 09:15

He’s horrible and uncaring. Why would you want to be with anyone like that.
Treating you badly and punishing you because you’re ill. Get rid.

Morechocmorechoc · 05/02/2023 09:18

Have you dumped his sorry arse yet

Naunet · 05/02/2023 09:21

It’s always good to test a new man out on how he takes you saying no to him. Looks like this one doesn’t take it too well.

namechange1487 · 05/02/2023 09:25

OMG what a horrific read your posts have been, OP.

Get out now, my lovely Flowers

winterbegone · 05/02/2023 09:26

He sounds even worse after your update, surely you aren't going to continue seeing him?

deeperthanallroses · 05/02/2023 09:27

Send another text: I think i deserve to be in a relationship with someone who cares that I’m unwell, not someone who gets mad at me if I cancel plans because I’m unwell. I’ve spent all day stressing about you being mad instead of resting and getting better. That’s a terrible way to treat a poorly girlfriend. I deserve better.

and anything other than huge apologies is the end.

Waterfallgirl · 05/02/2023 09:28

perfectcolourfound · 05/02/2023 08:46

Hi @Bestbuys4 I hope you're feeling a bit better today. There are a few warning signs here, that you need to listen to:

  • You're ill and he doesn't care. Hasn't checked up on you / asked if he can drop anything off or just keep you company for a bit. That's what a normal, caring person would do if a friend or family member was ill.
  • You cancel, for very good reasons, and he gets angry / sulks / wants to punish you.
  • He doesn't believe that you're ill. ie he doesn't trust you. OR he does believe you're ill but thinks you should pretend you aren't, and make yourself feel dreadful by going out, because his needs are more important than yours.

His total lack of care or concern or understanding for you is shocking.

And that leads me to WHY he was like this (not that there is any good reason for his awful behaviour). It certainly isn't that he loves you so much, he couldn't wait to see you and just wanted to be with you. (If that was the reason, well he could have offered to come and keep you company). No - I think he's angry that you've shown him you have your own needs. You weren't willing to drop everything at his command. He wants to be in control of you and the fact you've stood up for your own needs has made him angry.

Whatever his 'reason' it isn't a loving one. He hasn't even tried to apoligise, but is still trying to punish you.

I beg you to get rid. This is not a good man. He will get worse.

Please read this - then get rid of him.

GallantGus · 05/02/2023 09:29

Bestbuys4 · 04/02/2023 20:50

Thanks for all your replies.
I’ve spent the day trying to justify how sick I am. And felt bad as if I am overreacting.
he hasn’t once asked how I am

Please dump this selfish loser.

Original poster
Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 09:34

I know I probably need to end it.
im feeling a good bit better this morning and am going for a walk with a friend. I’d even been anxious to tell him that (when he does eventually awake) because I think that would fuel the fire even more that I was ‘lying’ yesterday

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 05/02/2023 09:37

You really do need to end it. Before you know it you'd be apologising and then he'd ramp it up next time. You're seeing his underbelly now and it's really not nice.

HelloBunny · 05/02/2023 09:40

I often think that folk who don’t get headaches, just don’t understand them. My DH knows how bad my headaches are now. A bad one can make me quite sick, rest is the only answer. Your boyfriend doesn’t get it.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 05/02/2023 09:41

So @Bestbuys4 you are walking on eggshells already IN THE HONEYMOON PERIOD!

No probably at all, you definitely need to end it.

You are worth so much more.

TheSmallAssassin · 05/02/2023 09:41

You definitely need to end it, not probably! It sounds like you know that really? Feeling anxious about justifying a walk with a friend, you know that's not a sign of a healthy, happy relationship. You deserve better.

Luckingfovely · 05/02/2023 09:42

deeperthanallroses · 05/02/2023 09:27

Send another text: I think i deserve to be in a relationship with someone who cares that I’m unwell, not someone who gets mad at me if I cancel plans because I’m unwell. I’ve spent all day stressing about you being mad instead of resting and getting better. That’s a terrible way to treat a poorly girlfriend. I deserve better.

and anything other than huge apologies is the end.

Don't even bother with this kind of thing. Firstly, you do not need to explain yourself to him, at all; and secondly, he's clearly not equipped to understand a word of it.

Just tell him to fuck right off out of your life, and block him.

PritiPatelsMaker · 05/02/2023 09:43

You definitely need to end it, not probably! It sounds like you know that really? Feeling anxious about justifying a walk with a friend, you know that's not a sign of a healthy, happy relationship. You deserve better

You really do.

You deserve someone who will come around with the paracetamol fir you and check that you're ok not punish you for being ill.

Flowersintheattic57 · 05/02/2023 09:43

He’s not really ever going to come through for you is he? In a really mild situation he didn’t think to ask you if you needed anything, didn’t offer to bring a takeaway after the match, didn’t even pop by to give you a cuddle and hope you feel better soon. Nothing. Imagine if you had actually needed help and support.
Not a keeper this one.

ZenNudist · 05/02/2023 09:44

Wow stay strong and ditch him. He should be sympathetic and look after you!

Nicedayout22 · 05/02/2023 09:46

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 09:34

I know I probably need to end it.
im feeling a good bit better this morning and am going for a walk with a friend. I’d even been anxious to tell him that (when he does eventually awake) because I think that would fuel the fire even more that I was ‘lying’ yesterday

Why "probably"?! The man's an arse!! You're worth more than this: why not act like that?

ijustneedanamefgs · 05/02/2023 09:46

Please please end this. You are ill and he’s pissed off. You are afraid to tell him things (rightfully so imo) and walking on eggshells. You are only 7mths in and not living together. How do you think things look in 7yrs. I don’t normally tell people to end things because I know better than many it’s easier said than done, but you need out of this now. And don’t let him talk you round. He’s shown who he is, believe him.

Spudlet · 05/02/2023 09:46

There is no ‘probably’ here my lovely. He is punishing you for being ill. Just think about that for a moment - he is punishing you for being ill. That is objectively ridiculous and awful. And it is not normal! Nice, decent people do not do this to anyone, let alone people they supposedly care for. You deserve better than this man.