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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New boyfriend and how he responded when I cancelled plans due to being sick

214 replies

Bestbuys4 · 04/02/2023 19:54

Could someone give me some perspective on this-
My boyfriend of 7 months has made plans today to go to the pub this afternoon with his friends. I too was going, some of his friends were bringing their partners and some weren’t.
I haven’t been well past few days with a headache, just been coming and going and I haven’t been sleeping well. Today is the first day in a number of weeks my children are with their dad. I was looking forward to going out, got my hair done etc. woke up this morning feeling awful, sore head, sore ear and exhausted.
Boyfriend new I hadn’t been feeling well. I told him I wouldn’t make it out today that I needed to rest (kids will be back tomorrow).
he was annoyed and said I wasn’t making the effort. He was extra annoyed that I went to the shop (to get painkillers and collect a parcel from same shop) when I couldn’t go to meet them at the pub to watch the match. Was I really out of order? He said if I was so sick why haven’t I called the doctor and that he didn’t believe me when I said I had taken some painkillers. I tried to explain there is a big difference to nipping to the shopping and sitting in the pub all day

OP posts:
passiveaggressivenonsense · 05/02/2023 09:47

You are a free agent who can spend your spare time as you choose. If you are noticing you have to justify or feel worried about his reactions ask yourself why you are choosing to be with someone who makes you feel like this.
First step is to stop apologizing or making the excuse.

Tell him you're off fir a walk with your friend and if he starts up playing the controlling victim don't justify yourself. Say I'm sorry you feel like that but don't react in any way that suggests it's anything more than his problem.

category12 · 05/02/2023 09:47

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 09:34

I know I probably need to end it.
im feeling a good bit better this morning and am going for a walk with a friend. I’d even been anxious to tell him that (when he does eventually awake) because I think that would fuel the fire even more that I was ‘lying’ yesterday

Please end it. It shouldn't be like this. That anxiety is telling you things aren't right.

This is not a man who cares about you.

You deserve better. Don't accept such low behaviour in your life. It's a huge red flag for the future.

piedbeauty · 05/02/2023 09:49

Massive red flags. He's selfish, controlling, lacks empathy. You should not be scared to tell him how you feel!

I'd dump.

Original poster
Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 10:06

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
GimmeBiscuits · 05/02/2023 10:10

He sounds horrible. He should have been asking how you were, and if you needed anything, not berating you. That's what people who care about others do.

honeyrider · 05/02/2023 10:11

Please end it, it will only get worse. You're only 7 months with him and you're already doubting yourself and tiptoeing around him. He doesn't care for you, he's made that obvious by his actions.

Just end it and don't let him worm his way back into your life. You do not need to have any big discussion with him, just tell him it's no longer working for you and you're out.

MargotMoon · 05/02/2023 10:15

I would send something along the lines of "thanks for making me feel shit on top of being ill yesterday. I'd been really looking forward to it as well, spent money getting my hair done etc, but at least I know now that you haven't got my back and don't care about me apart from when I'm doing what you want me to do. Saved me and my kids from getting attached to a massive baby of a man. Laters".

SnoogyWoo · 05/02/2023 10:17

You learn a lot about people when you are ill.

America12 · 05/02/2023 10:24

I hope you have dumped him by now and are feeling better

ShimmeringShirts · 05/02/2023 10:26

Please get rid, he’s an abuser. If you continue the relationship it will get worse and worse. I hope you’re ok and a day of rest helped a bit Flowers

AudieD · 05/02/2023 10:26

Don't invest any more of your valuable time on him, as many have said Big Red Flag & we are learning so much about "cursive control" this is a prime indicator of the start of it. You deserve better, end things for your sake & your kids.
Good luck, stay strong & hope you feel better soon xx

Newestname002 · 05/02/2023 10:30

@Bestbuys4

She's showed you his colours nice and early, hasn't he? You don't need to justify yourself to him.

Imagine if this was a few years down the line and you were pregnant/on maternity leave with his child.... lucky escape. 🌹

rainbowstardrops · 05/02/2023 11:48

If he claims to have been disappointed because he was looking forward to spending the day with you, why didn't he offer to skip the pub with friends and come and keep you company instead? And now he's 'punishing' you by not coming round after? What a dick!

billy1966 · 05/02/2023 12:11

7 months in and you are clearly in an abusive relationship and you have children.

Dump this nasty loser and up your standards.

Soothsayer1 · 05/02/2023 12:27

MargotMoon · 05/02/2023 10:15

I would send something along the lines of "thanks for making me feel shit on top of being ill yesterday. I'd been really looking forward to it as well, spent money getting my hair done etc, but at least I know now that you haven't got my back and don't care about me apart from when I'm doing what you want me to do. Saved me and my kids from getting attached to a massive baby of a man. Laters".

I wouldn't say any of that, it will draw him back in and he'll use it as an opportunity to manipulate you and make you feel bad.
Just drop him
Just leave him twisting in the wind
He will find that much more insulting and painful than any response that you could give him because what he wants is attention and validation, cut him off, give him nothing.
He is not worth your time

airfryerandelectricblanket · 05/02/2023 13:07

What he should be saying is something along the lines of "oh that's disappointing as I was really looking forward to you coming along. Is there anything I can get you or do to make you feel better"?

Original poster
Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/02/2023 13:26

Bestbuys4

sorry what a stupid cxxt he is

please ghost him

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 05/02/2023 13:28

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

He’s an absolute joke. What sort of a narcissist punishes someone for being unwell and unable to make it to the pub?

OP, beat him to it. You be the one to end it.

And make damn sure he knows it’s because of his insanely selfish behaviour.

category12 · 05/02/2023 13:28

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

What are you saying in return?

Do you still want to be with him?

He's really awful. A normal guy would have said "oh no, sorry you're so ill, gutted you can't come out - is there anything I can bring you or do for you?"

Mabelface · 05/02/2023 13:30

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

Save him the hassle and make the decision for him. Along the lines of off you fuck, mate. For good.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/02/2023 13:32

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

He's a manipulative arse who clearly thinks his presence is some sort of reward for you and that not having his company is a punishment. Read back one of your posts - he felt you 'pissed him off' because you were unwell.

Wombats67 · 05/02/2023 13:33

Bestbuys4 · 05/02/2023 13:22

Thanks. He’s not speaking to me now and ‘doesn’t know’ if he wants see me this week

More training, trying to get you to "make it up to him."

It's really not your problem, don't make it so.

MelloYellow · 05/02/2023 13:34

I stupidly married a man like this.
dump

MrsMariaReynolds · 05/02/2023 13:37

Please don't give him any more head space, or another minute of your time. Delete, block, ghost. He's a complete arse. You deserve so much better--for you and for your children, Op.