Dating a man with no money

[Moneyworriess]

I’m in a new relationship with a man who is fairly recently divorced (18 months ago) and has retrained in his career so starting out on a fairly low ish salary for London where we live but slightly higher than average wage. He has many expenses which take up all his salary - he’s very open about his financial situation and I know the outgoings. He spends a lot on renting a place for himself. A car on finance. He has a daughter who lives abroad who he sends a lot of money to but isn’t entitled to any benefits because she is in a foreign country. In his new career there is much potential to earn more as each year passes with good progression.

i like him so much, and he’s the first decent man I’ve met in over ten years, he makes me feel so loved and wanted. Money isn’t that important to me, I am comfortable with my own place etc. I am looking for a man to settle with and build a life with and start a family. These are things he is looking for. I’m late 30s, he’s early 40s.

It’s been amazing for the past three months but lately he’s started to become so down about his financial situation, it dominates every single conversation we have. He manages to get by every month, he’s not in debt but things are tight. He is bitter and resents his situation. I try to be positive for him. He apologised for never being able to take me out. So we just sit in and watch TV. Food is an issue. He barely eats and cooks very basic meals. I see him very reluctantly pay for a coffee and if a food item isn’t reduced by £1, he won’t buy it in the supermarket. He says this will get better once the weather improves so we can start going out more on walks etc. he said he’s had a lot of expenses this month so next few months will be better.

it’s starting to get me down. I went to his cold place again last night and and watched TV while he ate a bowl of pasta and I had crisps. I often leave his place hungry. He didn’t want to come to mine as
my lodger was in. He moaned the whole time about the state of the country etc. i don’t feel comfortable asking him to buy a basic ingredient if I’m cooking a nice meal for us or suggest we go for a basic meal out. We’ve been out three times for a meal and I’ve paid every single time cos I know he’s been so short - and I couldn’t face being at home and cooking again.

i am not sure he is in the right place for a relationship. I want to be be happy, falling in love, going on dates, restaurants, theatre etc - these are the early days. I don’t even expect to be paid for! And doesn’t even have to be every week. But it’s never happened.

i was willing to overlook the lack of money but he’s becoming such a downer now it’s not even fun when we stay in together now and im starting to get cabin fever. I’m not sure it will ever get better. he’s obviously very keen for us to move in together later this year.

anyone else been in a similar situation?

I had a similar relationship for 4 months, very nice person and thoughtful etc however the lack of finance meant he was constantly worried how he'd pay his bills and I started to feel guilty buying myself non essential things I'd worked hard for. I begrudged paying for things in the end especially when he expected it.

I suggested he took a second job etc but he wanted a quick fix answer and when he suggested he moved into mine after 2 months I realised I was the answer he was after.
I love meals out and holidays and I don't feel guilty by saying I didn't want to sacrifice those things when I was with him.
I met a man months later who is even better and financially we are similar.
Looking back, I think I was desperate for attention and vulnerable after divorce so my boundaries were lower.

The only issue is money.

No this isn’t the only issue, actually it isn’t the issue. The issue is he is using it as an excuse to be a miserable git. For years I was skint but made the best of it, I was upfront with friends about my finances and was very careful with my euros. However, I invited friends over when going out proved prohibitively expensive.

It sounds like he’s conditioning you to feel sorry for him and even worse, shoulder some of the financial burden.

His lack of money isn’t the problem but his shitty attitude is. Op you’re already talking sunken costs and you’ve been with this guy for only 12 weeks.

Definitely this. You end up taking on the burden. I remember lying awake worrying about how he will pay his gas meter while he happily snored away beside me.
You sound a lovely person but this will suck the joy out of life for you.
I have also been very skint years ago, however it's the way you deal with it and effort to get out the situation. Sounds like he wants the problem solved for him.

I've been with older men with no money. It never got better. He would have known money would be an issue when he retrained. People are very good at playing on emotions, when you have something they want so please be careful. I understand connections are hard to find, but please remember life is long with someone who finds negatives so frequently.

"OP, there are a lot of man haters on here so you have to wade through the posts of people who just attack men in every post."

There aren't a lot of men haters here. I bet most of us have have men in our lives that are good which is why we can see how the ops post raises concern. Some have experienced this kind of relationship and know it doesn't get better.
If the op had said he doesn't have any money but they have fun going on walks and watching tv, and he often cooks meals, even though it may be cheap etc then it just looks like just a money issue and the responses would have been more positive.
It's his miserable attitude that's the issue.

Sounds miserable. Why are you with him, eating crisps in a cold house listening to him moan?

I think you would be unwise to have children with him, or marry him

You’ve only known him 3 months so I’m not sure that’s long enough to be sure about what he’s told you. It could be true but he could only be telling you what he wants you to know.

It doesn’t sound like you’re having much fun together sitting in his cold flat eating crisps. There are loads of free museums and events and places to walk and get outside.

I’m not sure how the situation will improve really. He’s always going to need to pay his rent, car, bills, help his child. If you move in with him I suspect you’ll end up covering a lot of his costs so I would tread carefully there. To have children I’d be looking for a more stable financial set up too. You’d be on maternity pay and he won’t be able to support you both.

You’ll make up your own mind in time but I don’t think I’d be investing my time in this situation if it were me.

Is the child who lives ‘abroad’ , the product of the recent divorce, or another relationship? Why do she and her mother live ‘abroad’? Did he used to live there too?

OP, this bloke has a lot of baggage, charming though you may think him.

anyone else been in a similar situation?

Yes, before I met DP.
He was always talking about how he had to pay this bill, that bill, how little money he had, what a struggle it’s as. I had a well paid job. Angled to move in with me.
I found out he’d lied about everything. He’d left his wife about 6 weeks before he met me — not the almost two years he told me. He lied about his job. I discovered he was cheating the benefits system ( had been for at least 10 years) He even lied about the number of children he had !
Im not saying your man is lying but it doesn’t sound what you’re looking for and I think you’ll end up as his financial and emotional prop.

Thee are many men haters on here. They resort immediately to name calling, they put down and criticize men generally, they blame men for women's feelings and problems, they assume the worst about men and their intentions and motivations, they feel women are better than men and women deserve better, they encourage women to treat the man badly and use him to their advantage etc.

The posts sound exactly the same as the ones you read on misogynistic women hating sites - just with the sexes reversed.

Take the pasta example. If a guy said that he went to his date's house who he knew was struggling with money and saw all she had to eat was leftover pasta so he refused a plate and told her he wasn't very hungry and would eat the snacks he had as he knew he could get a meal when he went home but that this was all she had to eat - would the thread be filled with people calling her every name in the book, trashing her as a person, telling the guy he is an idiot for dating her, and telling him to get as far as possible from the horrible person she is. No. The nasty anti-male knee jerk reactions and name calling on here are from men haters. As I said, they say the exact same lines as the women haters, almost word for word.

It seems because she wants a child/ren.

He's laying on the financial misery and woe because he wants to move in with you and thereby wants you to solve his current financial issues. He's also trying k demonstrate that he'd be useful around the house.

He's already happy taking from you for meals etc out.
He wants to take more.

If he can't afford to live ATM, how are you going to afford kids with him? Are his circumstances going to improve that much in the next couple of years?

He's recently divorced and has retrained, he wants someone to solve his problems for him. You're currently it.

Everyone's not reading what op said about the pasta/crisps ..... She was offered some of the left over pasta he was having, she didn't want pasta ... So she ended up eating crisps she'd brought because he had nothing else to offer her.

That is obviously still an issue.

He sounds as much tight, disorganised, boring, tactically incompetent and moany as broke ..... He could have a can of soup and some reduced bread in the house to offer op. That's like £2.

You start to understand why he's divorced.

I'm also rather suspicious about his decision to either let his ex take his child abroad where he'll barely see them. Or return from abroad without his child and hardly see them. That is not the behaviour of a good, devoted Dad .... And not the behaviour of a mother who thinks he is a devoted, excellent Dad

Men will always say "she wanted to .. she decided to ... She went off to her family" etc etc.

Behind that is usually a wealth of stuff not being said about why the mother made those decisions. Usually she went where she'd get support & offer her kid a good childhood .... Ie not with him, whether together or separated - co-parenting.

And he could entirely prevent such decisions (if they were made againsg his wishes) with the Hague convention if he was really motivated and give enough of a fk. Men who go along with that are not usually devoted Dad's. What devoted Dad would accept rarely seeing their own child.

Btw if the child was in the UK or a reciprocal country, he'd be paying about 12% of his income as CM. Unless he had his child overnight loads (he doesn't sound organised or independent enough to look after a child overnights, he's not budgeting well as a single man).

There are issues having kids with a man who already owes a portion of his income for kids he already has. And CM is absolutely minimal; anyone decent would be paying considerably more.

You'd be better finding a man who's having kids for the first time with you.
Unless someone has a high salary, is wealthy etc. - he's already giving a portion of his income to kids who aren't yours. Surely in London there are a few men in their 30s or 40s who'd like to settle (?)

(Men who don't already have kids, and aren't broke/stingy/priorities off, I mean).

So What’s wrong with men who already have kids ?

Nothing wrong with men who already have kids. But would I choose to date them ? No.

And I fully understand why men choose not to date women with children.

He's doing a very good show of simultaneously being miserable while making you think he's your soulmate so you'll let him live with you to end his whining

This ^^

If his story's true I'd have said all credit to him for retraining in something where he can hopefully progress, except that the noises about moving in are a huge red flag after just 3 months, and from someone in his position
And if you wanted to go down this route a sperm donor would be much cheaper, in that you'd only be paying for 2 people instead of 3

If I could choose who I was to spend the rest of life with, it wouldn't be a misery-guts like him. Ideally it would be someone with the ability to make the most of life, with or without money

Sorry but fuck that

All of my alarm bells are going off reading your post. Not because he’s broke; I have a long history of dating men who don’t have two coins to rub together, but because I also have a long history of choosing very bad men and can now recognise one at 100 yards. None of what he’s saying makes sense. He sounds like he’s on the make.

I’m in a new relationship with a man who is fairly recently divorced (18 months ago) Have you seen his decree absolute? Have you done a BMD search?

He has many expenses which take up all his salary - he’s very open about his financial situation and I know the outgoings. He spends a lot on renting a place for himself. A car on finance. He has a daughter who lives abroad who he sends a lot of money to but isn’t entitled to any benefits because she is in a foreign country It has been three months, why has he been so keen to explain his finances to you? Why is he spending loads on rent rather than moving to a cheaper place? Why doesn’t he get a lodger? Or become a lodger? Why is he paying finance on a car when he’s in a city with the best public transport network in Britain? How is he affording to put petrol in it if he struggles to buy a coffee? What’s the point of having it? Is there any evidence of this daughter? Birth certificate? Photographs?

In his new career there is much potential to earn more as each year passes with good progression Did he tell you this? It’s almost like he’s trying to convince you that he’s got good economic prospects and can be trusted to give good returns if you invest in him.

i like him so much, and he’s the first decent man I’ve met in over ten years, he makes me feel so loved and wanted No you don’t. You don’t know him. You only know this image that he’s projected to you. You have no idea who he really is.

It’s been amazing for the past three months Even the Tindler Swindler managed to be amazing for a few months. It’s about gaining your trust and making you believe that things would be perfect if only his situation was better.

but lately he’s started to become so down about his financial situation, it dominates every single conversation we have Would it be him who brings it up, by any chance? He’s sounding you out. It’ll start with a ‘I hate to ask but I’ve got no food, could I borrow £20 until payday’? And before you know it, you’ll be cashing in your ISAs because he’s told you that you can start a family as soon as he’s paid off some debt.

it’s starting to get me down. I went to his cold place again last night and and watched TV while he ate a bowl of pasta and I had crisps. I often leave his place hungry. He didn’t want to come to mine as my lodger was in He’d rather sit in front of the tv in the cold at his, than in the warm in front of the tv at yours, simply because someone else is in the home?

He moaned the whole time about the state of the country etc His financial situation seems to be largely of his own making, unless that’s his way of wearing you down so you offer to help him just to stop him moaning.

i am not sure he is in the right place for a relationship I think he knows exactly what he’s doing.

he’s obviously very keen for us to move in together later this year 😂 I bet he is!

Of course he's keen to move in together..noone falls in love faster than a man needing /wanting anolave to stay.... you'll be replacing your lodger with a c**klodger

Someone has coined the phrase "Hobosexual".

Relationship decisions made around accommodation.