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Original poster

Dating a man with no money

220 replies

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:07

I’m in a new relationship with a man who is fairly recently divorced (18 months ago) and has retrained in his career so starting out on a fairly low ish salary for London where we live but slightly higher than average wage. He has many expenses which take up all his salary - he’s very open about his financial situation and I know the outgoings. He spends a lot on renting a place for himself. A car on finance. He has a daughter who lives abroad who he sends a lot of money to but isn’t entitled to any benefits because she is in a foreign country. In his new career there is much potential to earn more as each year passes with good progression.

i like him so much, and he’s the first decent man I’ve met in over ten years, he makes me feel so loved and wanted. Money isn’t that important to me, I am comfortable with my own place etc. I am looking for a man to settle with and build a life with and start a family. These are things he is looking for. I’m late 30s, he’s early 40s.

It’s been amazing for the past three months but lately he’s started to become so down about his financial situation, it dominates every single conversation we have. He manages to get by every month, he’s not in debt but things are tight. He is bitter and resents his situation. I try to be positive for him. He apologised for never being able to take me out. So we just sit in and watch TV. Food is an issue. He barely eats and cooks very basic meals. I see him very reluctantly pay for a coffee and if a food item isn’t reduced by £1, he won’t buy it in the supermarket. He says this will get better once the weather improves so we can start going out more on walks etc. he said he’s had a lot of expenses this month so next few months will be better.

it’s starting to get me down. I went to his cold place again last night and and watched TV while he ate a bowl of pasta and I had crisps. I often leave his place hungry. He didn’t want to come to mine as
my lodger was in. He moaned the whole time about the state of the country etc. i don’t feel comfortable asking him to buy a basic ingredient if I’m cooking a nice meal for us or suggest we go for a basic meal out. We’ve been out three times for a meal and I’ve paid every single time cos I know he’s been so short - and I couldn’t face being at home and cooking again.

i am not sure he is in the right place for a relationship. I want to be be happy, falling in love, going on dates, restaurants, theatre etc - these are the early days. I don’t even expect to be paid for! And doesn’t even have to be every week. But it’s never happened.

i was willing to overlook the lack of money but he’s becoming such a downer now it’s not even fun when we stay in together now and im starting to get cabin fever. I’m not sure it will ever get better. he’s obviously very keen for us to move in together later this year.

anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 09:03

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:52

As I said, I didn’t want pasta again and bought the crisps myself so I could have purchased more for myself. The pasta was from the night before which we had.

You could have purchased more for yourself?

So this Prince, this caring wonderful man, invites you to his home for the evening and the arrangement is that you purchase your dinner (crisps) for yourself.

He couldn't even make you beans on toast? OP - most people have higher standards than this when they invite their friends round. You're his new girlfriend of 3 months and he cares this little about impressing you?

If he's this bad after 3 months, what will it be like after a year, 5 years? At what point will he deem you worthy of being treated well?

JumbleSailor · 02/02/2023 09:04

Binfluencer · 02/02/2023 08:21

A man who won't even feed you pasta is 'everything you've been looking for'.

Raise your standards OP. By a factor of 100.

I know it's not a funny situation and I really feel for the OP, but this comment absolutely cracked me up!

JumbleSailor · 02/02/2023 09:04

Binfluencer · 02/02/2023 08:21

A man who won't even feed you pasta is 'everything you've been looking for'.

Raise your standards OP. By a factor of 100.

I know it's not a funny situation and I really feel for the OP, but this comment absolutely cracked me up!

CPL593H · 02/02/2023 09:04

The issue isn't really being broke is it, lots of people are through no fault of their own. The issue is that he seems to be embracing being miserable rather than trying creatively to make the best of it, especially as he's fit, well and working. There could be better meal planning. Also, you're living in the best place in the UK to take advantage of free activities. Museums, galleries, parks, endless.

I'm not surprised he wants to move in fairly sharpish as it will solve all his problems in one fell swoop. It will create new ones for you though OP, especially as you seem to have a fairly low bar in terms of your own worth. That doesn't mean being winded and dined but the expectation that a new relationship will actually be fun.

CPL593H · 02/02/2023 09:06
  • wined and dined doh!
TeeBee · 02/02/2023 09:06

You want children. How's this man going to afford more children? What happens when you need maternity leave? Come on.
Do not move in with this man! It's worrying that you're even thinking about it after three months. Spend at least two years with someone before thinking about the big things. People generally show their hand after that amount of time. If you're keen to pursue the relationship, take a big step back. Don't even talk about moving in together. Observe, see what he does to change his own situation without relying on a solvent woman to rescue him.

AmandaHoldensLips · 02/02/2023 09:09

When you consider that the early days of any relationship are usually the best heady days of being "in love" then you know this isn't going to get better. It will only go downhill from here.

Throw this one back.

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 09:09

The issue isn't really being broke is it, lots of people are through no fault of their own. The issue is that he seems to be embracing being miserable rather than trying creatively to make the best of it, especially as he's fit, well and working.

And expecting the OP to embrace it too. He's a drain, not a radiator.

PP are right - there is so much a fit healthy londoner could do with their free time that costs nothing, or just a bus/tube fare. He's choosing not to do those things.

And cooking your relatively new girlfriend a dinner when she comes over is a bare minimum expectation. Doesn't have to be pricy - just a veggie curry or something would at least have shown he gives a shit.

Back2Back2t · 02/02/2023 09:11

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:52

As I said, I didn’t want pasta again and bought the crisps myself so I could have purchased more for myself. The pasta was from the night before which we had.

OP, Do you even hear yourself?

By the sound of your posts, I think we're all wasting our time here.

Experience is the best teacher so crack on!

Original poster
Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 09:12

I posted here for good reasons but some of the replies are just rude and offensive. Thanks to all those who took the time to reply with good advice. I won’t be returning to this thread.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2023 09:13

Is he devastatingly handsome and amazing in bed? You’d have to assume so because this is meant to be the fun bit and it sounds anything but.

ocadodeliveroo · 02/02/2023 09:13

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 09:12

I posted here for good reasons but some of the replies are just rude and offensive. Thanks to all those who took the time to reply with good advice. I won’t be returning to this thread.

Off course you wont be. See you in a few months then.

Ryder68 · 02/02/2023 09:14

He’s a cock lodger in waiting
So very very much this!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2023 09:15

"He’s the first decent man I’ve met in a long time of dating!"

If this is true then what on earth have the other men been like?. This man is truly no better than the others you've seen. Its further proof sadly of just how lowly you value your own self because these crumbs from him are all you think you deserve or are worthy of.

Why is your relationship bar this low; what happened to you to arrive at this further low point in your life?.

Original poster
Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 09:17

ocadodeliveroo no thanks. There are better places for advice and support.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 02/02/2023 09:21

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 09:12

I posted here for good reasons but some of the replies are just rude and offensive. Thanks to all those who took the time to reply with good advice. I won’t be returning to this thread.

You deserve better

Lampzade · 02/02/2023 09:22

This is supposed to be the honeymoon period. Three months and you are already burdened with his issues
It is not just the lack of money, this chap is a
Debbie Downer.
It is up to you Op.

Lizziet64 · 02/02/2023 09:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MissMaple82 · 02/02/2023 09:27

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 02/02/2023 08:24

If she's a child why isn't the mother supporting her? How much does he send monthly? Can he cut it down?

Wtf... he is paying child support, and rightly so

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 09:28

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:52

As I said, I didn’t want pasta again and bought the crisps myself so I could have purchased more for myself. The pasta was from the night before which we had.

I know I harp on about the food thing, but for me it really does encapsulate the whole issue here.

You're defending him here, but in your OP you literally said "I often leave his place hungry"

So he often invites you over and then pays no care at all to your wellbeing and nourisment.

A man who doesn't care if you are fed after 3 months isn't going to care about making sure you have the food you need when you are pregnant or breastfeeding. He isn't going to make sure you have a healthy dinner to heat up when you get back from work super-late after a nightmare day. He isn't going to put himself out to make sure you're not too stressed or tired. He isn't going to drive to a 24hr pharmacy when you need medication late at night.

No, because he doesn't actually give a shit. He's saying the right words, but his actions say the opposite.

"I often leave his place hungry"

Just think on that.

MissMaple82 · 02/02/2023 09:29

Ragwort · 02/02/2023 08:38

Raise your standards! He sounds bitter and miserable. Nothing to do with no money .. there are lots of free things to do in London. He could easily suggest something nice and you each take a picnic for example. Does he expect sex as that's 'free'? Hmm. He could always get an additional part time job in hospitality or something if he wanted to earn a few extra ££s - plenty of casual work in London.

One of my nicest friends is skint and never spends on eating out but always suggests interesting places to meet.

It's winter.. not alot of free stuff to do in winter, certainly not picnics ffs

RenoDakota · 02/02/2023 09:31

Seems like he love bombed you to reel you in. That worked.
Now the whining and moaning and feeding you on crisps is to prove a point about how hard done by he is. Probably all a preamble to trying to weasel his way into living at your place.
Sounds utterly repulsive.
Please see this, OP. There are good (and solvent) men out there. This one will only get worse.
All the best to you Flowers

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 09:33

MissMaple82 · 02/02/2023 09:29

It's winter.. not alot of free stuff to do in winter, certainly not picnics ffs

Show quote history

London has art galleries, museums.... it's the best place in the country for free stuff to do.

JoanCandy · 02/02/2023 09:33

@Moneyworriess You’ve asked to hear from others who have been in this position, I was.
I didn’t listen when I was warned it wouldn’t get any better because I convinced myself they were wrong.
We moved in together quickly, after just a few months, and I then spent 15 years shoring this person up financially. I’ve heard all the excuses, all of the reasons - he was a similar age to your BF at the time too … it didn’t get any better.
He was bitter too, constantly going on about the ‘state of the world’ and blaming it for all of the things that were going wrong in his life.
It was utterly exhausting.
I see so much of my early situation all those years ago in your post, OP, even down to the compliments and shared values, and I thought that would be enough for us to not have the other stuff - ultimately it was not.

Bananalanacake · 02/02/2023 09:34

He sounds lovely, you should stay with him. But definitely no living together for a good few years

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