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Original poster

Dating a man with no money

220 replies

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:07

I’m in a new relationship with a man who is fairly recently divorced (18 months ago) and has retrained in his career so starting out on a fairly low ish salary for London where we live but slightly higher than average wage. He has many expenses which take up all his salary - he’s very open about his financial situation and I know the outgoings. He spends a lot on renting a place for himself. A car on finance. He has a daughter who lives abroad who he sends a lot of money to but isn’t entitled to any benefits because she is in a foreign country. In his new career there is much potential to earn more as each year passes with good progression.

i like him so much, and he’s the first decent man I’ve met in over ten years, he makes me feel so loved and wanted. Money isn’t that important to me, I am comfortable with my own place etc. I am looking for a man to settle with and build a life with and start a family. These are things he is looking for. I’m late 30s, he’s early 40s.

It’s been amazing for the past three months but lately he’s started to become so down about his financial situation, it dominates every single conversation we have. He manages to get by every month, he’s not in debt but things are tight. He is bitter and resents his situation. I try to be positive for him. He apologised for never being able to take me out. So we just sit in and watch TV. Food is an issue. He barely eats and cooks very basic meals. I see him very reluctantly pay for a coffee and if a food item isn’t reduced by £1, he won’t buy it in the supermarket. He says this will get better once the weather improves so we can start going out more on walks etc. he said he’s had a lot of expenses this month so next few months will be better.

it’s starting to get me down. I went to his cold place again last night and and watched TV while he ate a bowl of pasta and I had crisps. I often leave his place hungry. He didn’t want to come to mine as
my lodger was in. He moaned the whole time about the state of the country etc. i don’t feel comfortable asking him to buy a basic ingredient if I’m cooking a nice meal for us or suggest we go for a basic meal out. We’ve been out three times for a meal and I’ve paid every single time cos I know he’s been so short - and I couldn’t face being at home and cooking again.

i am not sure he is in the right place for a relationship. I want to be be happy, falling in love, going on dates, restaurants, theatre etc - these are the early days. I don’t even expect to be paid for! And doesn’t even have to be every week. But it’s never happened.

i was willing to overlook the lack of money but he’s becoming such a downer now it’s not even fun when we stay in together now and im starting to get cabin fever. I’m not sure it will ever get better. he’s obviously very keen for us to move in together later this year.

anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 09:34

JoanCandy thank you - this is what I’m concerned about.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 02/02/2023 09:36

I think you are being clouded by your desire to have a child. He is NOT a good bet in this area and you are wasting your time. Throw this one back. You’d be better off just having casual sex and falling pregnant - raising the child alone. Thank you would hitching your wagon to this man. Nice as he sounds.

WinterFoxes · 02/02/2023 09:36

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:17

He’s everything I’ve been looking for - I find it extremely difficult to meet someone like him and my time is running out. The only issue is money. It’s such a bummer.

The only issue isn;t the money. The other issues are his bitterness, his depression, his lack of imagination.

Early days, wanting romance - there's loads you can do with no money.
How about a starlit walk - you can see that comet from the sky at the moment.
How about lighting a candle to save on electrictity and making a playlist of your favourite songs - taking it in turns to choose one on spotify and dancing to the upbeat ones, slow dancing to the smoochy ones and listening to the ballads and discussing them.
How about a visit to a local gallery or museum to see a couple of paintings or exhibits that mean something to you and discussing them?
Or a cheeky visit to a food market, to sample all the over priced delicious things he will buy once he gets wealthier.
It sounds to me like he has a poverty mindset - meaning he looks for ways to feel poor and hard done by not ways to feel wealthy despite having no disposable income.That's what would put me off. I was poor for decades.I was dirt poor when I met wealthy DH (our fortunes then levelled up) But I made damn sure if he came over to mine I cooked him good food and if I chose a date, even if we just mooched around the National Gallery for free then went for a Pret 99p filter coffee, that he had fun.

RudsyFarmer · 02/02/2023 09:36

*than you would

ShellsOnTheBeach · 02/02/2023 09:42

I'm still curious why he has a car on finance if he is so, so broke...

Very few people in London needs a car unless they are disabled or have young children.

Cadburysucks · 02/02/2023 09:53

It’s better to be single than in this miserable early relationship. Have you discussed children with him and would he agree? Leave him, single women without children are the happiest.

ForestLilac · 02/02/2023 09:57

Your plus points are numerous.

Your down points are he has no Monday and moan about it. I’d shove him in the direction of Moneysavingexpert and tell him to stop moaning. Don’t let him move in.

BUT you really like him! I’d carry on just for that reason. But no sharing finances etc.

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 02/02/2023 10:01

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 09:34

JoanCandy thank you - this is what I’m concerned about.

I met someone over a year ago whose finances were a lot less than mine and it worried me. But over time it has worried me less as he's a genuinely lovely person. However, I have made the decision not to join our lives too much, that is, I choose not to live with him in either mine or his place. When we do stuff together we have a kitty, altho sometimes I spend a little more than he. His kindness and ability to make me laugh outweighs that. Good luck OP

Oblomov22 · 02/02/2023 10:05

"The only issue is money." You are so wrong. How can you not see this? He made life choices. Now he's where he is. He's in a different place to you. What would he do if you showed him this thread. But bitterness, resentment, and being tight with money are very unattractive qualities.

bowlingalleyblues · 02/02/2023 10:09

He’s not in a position to offer you the things you want though. He shouldn’t be promising you a family, settling down etc when he has no money and is struggling to support the child (and wife?) he already has. He is in debt if he has a car on finance. I think you need to accept that the early weeks were a honeymoon period and now you’re seeing the reality and it’s not for you. Don’t keep chasing what he might be one day.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/02/2023 10:12

I'll bet he's keen to move in with you - more money, someone to cook etc. I think you are overlooking a LOT of flaws here as you want to settle down but you are in for a life of misery. Sitting in his flat eating crisps is something you might be willing to do at 18 but not in your 30's! And all he is offering when the weather improves is some walks?

Seriously, you'd be mad to settle for this.

Original poster
Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 10:13

Yes poverty mindset WinterFoxes that’s what it is - he has more than many people!

OP posts:
delayedtrauma · 02/02/2023 10:14

Moveoverdarlin · 02/02/2023 08:25

I would give him some time, and things will seem better in the summer. My brother ended up a bit like this. He was doing well, but after a nasty divorce, his ex bled him dry and he went from being pretty well-off to being on his uppers. But then after a year or so, he met someone else and things got slowly better. There is a big difference in not earning any money and not having any money. At least he’s earning, it takes a lot of effort to retrain in your forties. I can understand why he’s down about it, sending money overseas for a child you never see must be a killer.

Please, stop saying stuff like this about women/divorce/child support. She did not 'bleed him dry'. If they went to court she received what she was legally entitled to.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/02/2023 10:15

Saying he makes "a lovely breakfast" is really clutching at straws OP. If you go ahead and let him move in you'll be back on here in a year wondering how to get rid of this miserable stingy cocklodger who's bleeding you dry.

Unikeko · 02/02/2023 10:18

You deserve so much better.

And with all the will in the world you can't fix him. I'm sorry your experience with men is so crap, but don't settle on this man.

dontputitthere · 02/02/2023 10:24

You've Known him three months. All these things he's been 'open' with you about may or may not be true.

But he's super keen to move in with you. That's not ringing alarm bells?

Of course he's a nice man. He hasn't got his foot in the door. Yet.

Honestly. This is so depressing.

Floofydawg · 02/02/2023 10:26

The daughter thing sounds odd. She's a child in a foreign country not entitled to any benefits? Do you mean he pays maintenance?

When I met my now DH he was a bit strapped but not to the extent that he couldn't cook me a cheap meal or go out for a beer. I'm afraid I'd feel like this isn't worth it. If you're only late 30's you're certainly not running out of time.

Whadda · 02/02/2023 10:27

I’m glad you posted and have an inkling that this isn’t right.

Sorry, OP, but if you want children and are in your late 30s, you shouldn’t waste anymore time with this man. He’s not in a position to offer you the things you need and want.

I also think that a new relationship 15 months after a divorce, especially when there’s a child involved who is in a different country, is always going to be complex and you do run the risk of being turned into an emotional support human.

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 10:29

OP - you're not going to fix the poverty mindset that makes him so stingy and bitter. He's a grown man in his 40s, this is who he is.

thirtysixpercent · 02/02/2023 10:32

I grew up in a household where there wasn't much money but there was definitely still a lot of joy and fun. Money makes everything that bit easier but what you're describing is a joyless man who is earning a slightly above average wage but can't even spare you a bowl of pasta? It sounds like there's more going on here.

Times are tough, costs are high and lots of people are feeling the pinch but this doesn't sound right! I'd be extremely wary here.

bjrce · 02/02/2023 10:43

OP
With all due respect - at the moment, you are looking at this man with your heart! You are thinking about time running out to have a child, settle down etc.....

Everything about him is perfect - but - the only issue is his financial situation.

You really are not thinking with your head!
Based on what you've said - he wants to move in with you. He wants you to be his saviour. If you really listen to what he's saying, nothing will change if you allow him to move into your house. He will still be moaning about the world and how unfair his financial situation is:

Its not going to change- That's it in a nutshell. This is who he is- The only person who'll be worse off is you- taking care of him - trying to bring him "Up" to what you feel he can be. He will wear you down.

I am not saying this to be nasty - but if you stay with this man you have a lifetime of trying to make life better for him. At both your financial and mental expense.

Its been only 3 months. Honestly, cut him loose - of course he wants to move in with you - It'll make his life easier ( But not yours!).

caringcarer · 02/02/2023 10:45

You are not suited. You want different things. Look for someone who wants what you want.

caringcarer · 02/02/2023 10:50

If you did not want leftover pasta he could have made you an omelette.

LetsGoDoDoDo · 02/02/2023 10:53

You deserve better!

skippymcflippy · 02/02/2023 12:00

he’s obviously very keen for us to move in together later this year

I bet he is....

Look, I'm sorry you've had some rude replies, but you really do need to wake up here. This is a cocklodger by stealth.
He's being all nice and complimentary and listens to you etc blahblah. But at the same time he's complaining about your lodger, keen to move in and is happy to let you sit and eat crisps because he apparently can't afford to make a meal for you. Utterly ridiculous. I'm sure things are tight and it really isn't easy at the moment with the cost of living crisis but there's no reason why he can't get a few ingredients from the reduced sections in the supermarket and make a half decent meal. I made cauliflower cheese last night because the ingredients I needed were all reduced - cost under €2 and I'm in an expensive country - and there's 3 portions of it still in the fridge.

He's making no effort whatsover - words don't mean anything.
Here's my prediction - he wangles his way in by constantly pleading poverty, combined with lots of compliments and I love yous - you feel sorry for him so let him move in OR there's an "accommodation emergency" where the landlord wants to put the rent up by x amount and he then claims he's basically homeless.
In he comes. Feet under the table.
Next thing you know he's not pulling his weight around the home and sure enough there's the "employment emergency" - something goes wrong with his new career - he doesn't progress for whatever reason, he decides he doesn't like it, there's an issue and he's fired, he just quits because he's depressed.
Now you have a full on cocklodger roaming around, possibly in the dressing gown of doom, doing fuck all and screaming "depression" at you the minute you start suggesting he looks for work or makes more effort around the place.

This might sound over the top - but having been caught out once by a cocklodger I want to help others by pointing out their modus operandi.

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