Dating a man with no money

[Moneyworriess]

I’m in a new relationship with a man who is fairly recently divorced (18 months ago) and has retrained in his career so starting out on a fairly low ish salary for London where we live but slightly higher than average wage. He has many expenses which take up all his salary - he’s very open about his financial situation and I know the outgoings. He spends a lot on renting a place for himself. A car on finance. He has a daughter who lives abroad who he sends a lot of money to but isn’t entitled to any benefits because she is in a foreign country. In his new career there is much potential to earn more as each year passes with good progression.

i like him so much, and he’s the first decent man I’ve met in over ten years, he makes me feel so loved and wanted. Money isn’t that important to me, I am comfortable with my own place etc. I am looking for a man to settle with and build a life with and start a family. These are things he is looking for. I’m late 30s, he’s early 40s.

It’s been amazing for the past three months but lately he’s started to become so down about his financial situation, it dominates every single conversation we have. He manages to get by every month, he’s not in debt but things are tight. He is bitter and resents his situation. I try to be positive for him. He apologised for never being able to take me out. So we just sit in and watch TV. Food is an issue. He barely eats and cooks very basic meals. I see him very reluctantly pay for a coffee and if a food item isn’t reduced by £1, he won’t buy it in the supermarket. He says this will get better once the weather improves so we can start going out more on walks etc. he said he’s had a lot of expenses this month so next few months will be better.

it’s starting to get me down. I went to his cold place again last night and and watched TV while he ate a bowl of pasta and I had crisps. I often leave his place hungry. He didn’t want to come to mine as
my lodger was in. He moaned the whole time about the state of the country etc. i don’t feel comfortable asking him to buy a basic ingredient if I’m cooking a nice meal for us or suggest we go for a basic meal out. We’ve been out three times for a meal and I’ve paid every single time cos I know he’s been so short - and I couldn’t face being at home and cooking again.

i am not sure he is in the right place for a relationship. I want to be be happy, falling in love, going on dates, restaurants, theatre etc - these are the early days. I don’t even expect to be paid for! And doesn’t even have to be every week. But it’s never happened.

i was willing to overlook the lack of money but he’s becoming such a downer now it’s not even fun when we stay in together now and im starting to get cabin fever. I’m not sure it will ever get better. he’s obviously very keen for us to move in together later this year.

anyone else been in a similar situation?

No just no, a man in his early 40s.. if he's reluctant to even buy a coffee, then that's a massive warning sign.

Nailed it.

If you’re a childless woman for many of us it’s not ideal for many reasons. Nothing ‘wrong’ with them as such but no one is for everyone.

I meant to say childfree actually.

He already wants to move in with you and is telling you he doesn't like your lodger there but makes staying at his uncomfortable and uninviting.
He moans about money all the time so when you do go out you pay for everything!

^^This. The man is doom on 2 legs. & I don't believe for a moment that all that money he's sending abroad is to a daughter. You're brave to last 3 months & furthermore waste brain matter analysing him when you should've bailed out already.

Imagine Mr broke miserable & bitter as the father of your future child? Are you aware of how much it costs to raise children?

Tragic doesn't even begin to cover this situation

Not sure if you are returning @Moneyworriess but how did you meet and who drove the relationship forward? When did the disparity between your disposable incomes become apparent? Do you think he could recut his cloth to make your relationship more viable?

My SIL has had two partners who have lived off her, from age 32 to close to 52 She is in a dire financial position now aged 56, horrific.

Idoubt if the OP will return till the thread but in case you're reading, OP, please don't let him move in with you.
Well, not unless you can find out for sure about his daughter, and not unless he starts being less tight-fisted.
Meanness is a very unattractive trait.
I remember a bloke I went out with years ago who was so mean that he would only buy one fish supper between the two of us. He was an investment banker.

I wish she would come back and update us it’s annoying not knowing what she decided!

Sack it off. It's not the Lack of money that's the problem by the sounds of it his attitude is pretty miserable. Who needs that?

Dear OP, I can understand that some posters are not as gentle as they should be considering that this is a place where people come to ask for advice. However, I suggest you read all of them as it is very important to get a different prospective and most people here really do want to help. When I met my now ex husband, we were both broke, but we were very young and single and I did not worry so much about money. He was planning a big trip abroad and told me that he was saving money and that he wants to avoid unnecessary expenses. I was young and full of energy and wanted to go out and have fun but respected his wishes. To compensate, I would go grocery shopping and buy fun stuff to eat at my or his house. He enjoyed cooking and did cook for us, but it was usually some simple stuff, he would use lot of caned veggies and such. Things however never really changed. Fast forward twenty five years, we were in much better place financially, had two really good salaries but he would still avoid doing anything were we would have to spend money, going out, concerts, movies, travel, heck even going for ice cream with kids was “too expensive”, “waste of money”. This was not the only thing, he had many traits that drove me crazy, and so I finally left him couple of years ago.

OP trust me, while he may not have a lot of money to spend, it seems to me that he is the type who simply does not know how to enjoy life, is grumpy, complains and is in general going to drag you down with him. Please leave him and find someone who will bring energy, fun, love and laughter in your life as he is not it.

At 3 months you only know what he choses to let you know. Stories he tells you.

He might be supporting his family abroad (aka still current wife and kid(s)), you just don’t know.

This man can’t even afford to have a girlfriend and you want to have a family with? What happens once you’re pregnant or at home with two babies and unable to work?

I feel like I’m going against the grain here but if he doesn’t have disposable income and you do, then just pay for stuff. I’ve been both people in relationships, the one with more and the one with much less. With friends it’s been the same, if one of us is short the other will pay. I always pay for family members if I know they are short when we go out and they have done same for me in the past. For example I would have just brought the ingredients for a lovely meal to cook at his (and made sure I got some extra bits for him too) If he has the qualities and values you admire and this lack of funds is from a career change etc just help him out. Lots of people say they don’t care about money but I really don’t. He could earn lots and then have an accident not be able to work etc so I think it’s crazy to judge someone on this. I’ve actually ended up marrying someone successful and he has the same attitude to money as me. Of course he could be using you but I think he’s proved he’s not by now. I choose to believe the best in people and to me he sounds like a good man in a difficult situation.

Hi, I know this post is old already.

I'm going to write this from the point of view of a man and try to give you the best advice I can.

I bit about myself because that will help to understand my point of view.

I'm half British and half from a northern European country. I grew up in Europe mostly, coming to Britain a lot. I moved to Britain later in life.

I have a child and I'm separated with her mom.

I have been through a lot. Long story short, one of my parents died (the British one) at the moment we get separated. I had no family here, no help and support.
I have been sleeping in my car and everywhere I could for weeks before finding a house to rent that was good for me and my child, that was all in January.

The mother of my child straight away imposed a visitation right that was fitting her agenda. Because I'm self-employed I was able to adjust my work around her. Every Saturday after 5 until Tuesday morning. When my daughter went to school, without any notice and discussion, she imposed every other weekend. The problem is that my work have been arranged for the old system and I couldn't have my daughter before 5pm on Saturday.

Realistically, we suddenly had only 2 Sunday a month. I tried to arrange things with her mom but nothing changed.

When my daughter was born I promised her that she will have her dad for every step she takes.

I decided to go to court. Cost me a lot even if I didn't had a barrister, because too expensive.

We had a far more fair arrangement order for my daughter. 2 years later I was back to court because her mom breached it 4 times. I remember being at court for the second time and the judge asking if I wanted to go further with the breach procedure. It took me a few minutes before answering and I decided to let go. Not for me, not for her mom, for my daughter.

I know have a 50% arrangement, that has been supported by the barrister if my ex.

To prepare those court procedure, I spend thousands in solicitors.

An other factor is that, I'm self employed. Before covid I had a good source of income.

After Covid, things have been difficult.

I don't want to give up my career because I want to prove to myself and my daughter that being a victim is not a good way in life.

Now I have a lot more work but I also have a lot of debt. We are in 2023 and we all know how the economic situation is.

I work non stop, at least 15h a day and then I have my daughter when I'm not working.

I rent, I have a cheap car, I have cheap clothes.

I'm good looking, I'm a good man, I'm brave and I can put boundaries when needed.

For the birthday of my daughter, I don't have a lot of money but I managed to organize a super party. Non British conventional but I know she will loves it!

That's the thing, when life is hard and you struggle with money, you find resources in yourself that you can't even imagine.

I'm very tired all the time but I can look at myself in the mirror and I know that I can support myself and my daughter. A few extra curricular activities and I'm not depending on her mom for anything.

Like I said, no support from my parents.

I'm good looking, I'm athletic.

I'm single...

There is one thing I realised in the UK. When you get in couple, your background and CV take a huge part on your dating option.

I know my financial situation will get better because I work hard enough for it.

I don't think I would want to date someone when my finance gets better because if I have a long term relationship, I don't want someone staying because it is comfortable, I want someone that I can rely on. If we go through a hard time then we both stand up and deal with it. The same way that I know I can stand up and support ourselves when times are hard.

I have a friend in couple with a child. They struggle a lot for the moment because the mortgage situation, because all the context for the moment. His girlfriend, the mom of his child, doesn't want to cut off from holidays, doesn't want to reduce her lifestyle, so the poor guy end up having to fight every corners at the same time for paying.

That's exactly what I don't want. On harder times, you take cheaper holidays, you are able to make a budget,...

And you don't let social life taking the most of your finance.
Your friends can afford things that you can't and you are being left out because of that, then change your friends because they are not your friends. I don't need to drive an expensive car. I don't care about what people think.

The thing I realised in the UK and especially in smaller cities, is that mentalities are very backward.

A woman needs to be like this, and a man like that.

There is a very strong cliche on man. It is hard as a man to stand out from the norm.

Now, about 12 men a day are killing themselves in the UK, which is the first cause of death among men around 25-50 years old. The main reasons are divorces, child arrangement and money.

Because a man in the UK has to provide, if he doesn't, he is not a man.

That's the stereotype and that stereotype is very strong unfortunately.

Mentality evolves very very slowly around that.

Now I know that, with the way I'm doing things, I'm not following that norm.

I prefer to be loved for who I'm instead of being with someone because it is convenient.

I also realised that a few men around me, high middle class, are mocking me or try to put me down. I don't know if it is because they are jealous, or because they are unhappy with their lives, and honestly I don't give a s**t, I'm not a therapist.

Now, I'm aware of my situation, the way the society works here and I'm ok with it because it is my choice.

I don't blame others for it, because I don't have time if I want to reach my goals.

Now the guy you date (maybe not anymore) seems to siffer from that social pressure. He needs to drive an Audi, and paying for stuff to feel like a man. Which is understandable because, as I said, British society teach us that way.

Now, as a person, he seems to be a victim of his situation. He also seems to be very prompt to move in with you.

For me, that's indications that he is desperate to be with someone. The fact that he is unhappy is also a case where he hasn't found his balance in life.

Bot going for a walk for bad weather for example, is also an indication that he finds excuses for not doing things.

We are not living in south of France, we are in the UK, if you let the weather stopping you from doing things then you will end up not doing anything.

So for what you said, you like the guy, he seems like a good man.

Don't let him pushing to move in with you. Not after only a few months.

Tell him that you want to take your time and try yo lift him up and show him that it is not because he doesn't have lots of money that he is not a man in your eyes.

Start a few initiative with free activities and events, give him positive energy.

If after a few months you see that he just being passive and waits for you to take every steps, talk to him. If it doesn't change then my advice is to go away.

You can support someone depressed, but you can't sort things out for them.

Depression have ups and downs, so don't expect everything to get better in one week, but if he really wants to sort things out, he will. You can be his motivation but you can't be his therapist or his will of getting better.

Otherwise it will drag you down. So a relationship is not doing pricey things I agree, it can also be realising that our partner has his own baggage, it doesn't have to be fun 24h, that's in American comedy film, not the real life, but if you put energy in a relationship and your partner doesn't give it back then it is exhausting for you and it starts to be toxic.

That's it. That's my advice.

I admire your story and can tell you somewhat identify with the OP’s boyfriend but she’s looking for a man to settle with, build a life with and start a family. A man living in his car, scrapping by to pay child support etc… might be a “good man” handsome etc… but he’s not in the position to start a family because he can’t afford it. Unless the OP happens to be very wealthy she can pick up a poor man but she’s not.

Well if she looks after starting a family, she might want to have a man that she knows well first.

You don't start a family after dating a man for three months. That's totally irresponsible.

Unless you are desperate, in which case you are opening doors for trouble.
It might be a lucky bet and the relationship goes well.

But honestly, even after knowing my ex for 7 years, things didn't get right.

So that is a huge proof of where we are at in term of relationship in this society.

It can be that, with an extra motivation and a bit of love, that man will be able to stand up and move forward.

If you start a family with the first wealthy man that you meet that looks nice, you can go into trouble or just a very sad relationship on the long run.

It is also a very British thing to think that kids needs mountain of presents and huge expensive activities.

I mean we are the cou try with the most children depression and teenagers self harming.

Personally, as you said I used to live in a car, I manage to stay there for my daughter while it would have been easier to come back to the country I grew up. Thing is I moved 2 years earlier in this country to build a family because I thought her mom would be brave enough.

I would prefer to be with a woman that would not be scared of sleeping in a car to save the family, than a woman who runs back to mommy and daddy at the first sign of trouble. That's not a woman, that's a princess. A princess can't raised children.

Now, I will turn off any woman that will fit this description. Unless it is only a fun thing of course. 😊

The huge problem is desperation, if a guy is desperate to be with someone, he is pathetic and has no pride. He needs to stand up and do what must be done to have a balanced life. Do the best with what you have.

The same thing goes for women. A woman desperate to start a family is opening doors for the worst.

I know it is the mentality of men and women in our society, but we can't expect to have a different dynamics between men and women, having more independent women and make things change if we don't change anything.

If her only goal is to procreate, then there are plenty of way and men to do it.

If her goal is to build a family, then that will require a bit more time and effort.

You can turn that the way you want, this is the only way.

Absolute joke some of these responses.
If it was a single mother in the same rough financial position you'd be singing a different tune, half of you pretending you know the situation better than the OP herself.
OP if you trust him then have a conversation with him, tell him you understand but the constant conversations around it have to stop.

Mate

A lot of women posting on this subject are "very independent" women who have been raised for money. Not be be real independant women. They don't know what it is to work or have to sustain a life on their own.

Their advice is: "I'm independent so I need someone rich to pay for me. If he is too hard to manage, I can just be super independent and take his house and a massive child maintenance and stop him from seeing our children."

You know those teenagers who are independant and shout at you that they don't need you but take your credit card?

Same thing here.

Just don't use your brain to try to help, they just want to hear their views. BTW You should show your balance before answering.