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Original poster

Dating a man with no money

220 replies

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:07

I’m in a new relationship with a man who is fairly recently divorced (18 months ago) and has retrained in his career so starting out on a fairly low ish salary for London where we live but slightly higher than average wage. He has many expenses which take up all his salary - he’s very open about his financial situation and I know the outgoings. He spends a lot on renting a place for himself. A car on finance. He has a daughter who lives abroad who he sends a lot of money to but isn’t entitled to any benefits because she is in a foreign country. In his new career there is much potential to earn more as each year passes with good progression.

i like him so much, and he’s the first decent man I’ve met in over ten years, he makes me feel so loved and wanted. Money isn’t that important to me, I am comfortable with my own place etc. I am looking for a man to settle with and build a life with and start a family. These are things he is looking for. I’m late 30s, he’s early 40s.

It’s been amazing for the past three months but lately he’s started to become so down about his financial situation, it dominates every single conversation we have. He manages to get by every month, he’s not in debt but things are tight. He is bitter and resents his situation. I try to be positive for him. He apologised for never being able to take me out. So we just sit in and watch TV. Food is an issue. He barely eats and cooks very basic meals. I see him very reluctantly pay for a coffee and if a food item isn’t reduced by £1, he won’t buy it in the supermarket. He says this will get better once the weather improves so we can start going out more on walks etc. he said he’s had a lot of expenses this month so next few months will be better.

it’s starting to get me down. I went to his cold place again last night and and watched TV while he ate a bowl of pasta and I had crisps. I often leave his place hungry. He didn’t want to come to mine as
my lodger was in. He moaned the whole time about the state of the country etc. i don’t feel comfortable asking him to buy a basic ingredient if I’m cooking a nice meal for us or suggest we go for a basic meal out. We’ve been out three times for a meal and I’ve paid every single time cos I know he’s been so short - and I couldn’t face being at home and cooking again.

i am not sure he is in the right place for a relationship. I want to be be happy, falling in love, going on dates, restaurants, theatre etc - these are the early days. I don’t even expect to be paid for! And doesn’t even have to be every week. But it’s never happened.

i was willing to overlook the lack of money but he’s becoming such a downer now it’s not even fun when we stay in together now and im starting to get cabin fever. I’m not sure it will ever get better. he’s obviously very keen for us to move in together later this year.

anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
SuperHandss · 02/02/2023 14:05

Bargainoftheday · 02/02/2023 13:59

"start a family"

How do you think he will have the means to finance a family with you, when he can't even cook you a simple meal ?

Look at his actions, not his words

He cannot think of romantic free things to do in London together - how boring

He cannot cook you a simple meal - how uncaring

It's Valentines day soon, look at what he organises for that

This is not a good start to a relationship

That’s so true! All the free museums!

Winniethepoohandtiggertoo · 02/02/2023 14:13

Pinkbonbon · 02/02/2023 14:03

Or, just don't have kids.

And certainly not whilst you still have poor boundaries and lack of self love and as such, would likeky pass that on to your children. You need to tackle that first.

Show quote history

Yeah because everyone is 100% emotionally and psychologically healthy before having a baby aren’t they? Or just you? The theatrics on here are something else!

Pinkbonbon · 02/02/2023 14:33

Winniethepoohandtiggertoo · 02/02/2023 14:13

Yeah because everyone is 100% emotionally and psychologically healthy before having a baby aren’t they? Or just you? The theatrics on here are something else!

Show quote history

No but maybe they should look to be before considering having kids. Why are we so desperate to make more people before even sorting our own shit out? The world is chalk full of people who should never have been parents.

People considering staying with an unsuitable partners just just to have them. That's mad! And yet so so common. Why is it theatrical to tell people to learn to value themselves and becone the healthiest them they can be instead of, or before creating more little thems?

Pinkbonbon · 02/02/2023 14:46

And before you say 'oh but there's only so much time' - so? If it runs out - don't have children. We aren't entitled to them. They are whole other beings and if we haven't got our shit sorted out, we shouldn't be planning to have them.

The amount of young women I see tearing their heart out on here over non existent beings or settling for shit partners and ruining their lives (and in turn their kids lives) is horrifying.

Instead of promoting 'settling down' and having kids we should tell women it's OK tand often wise to choose a different path.

That way people like op might consider other dreams that don't involve her ending up settling for loser men who will make her miserabl

anthurium · 02/02/2023 15:02

Pinkbonbon · 02/02/2023 14:46

And before you say 'oh but there's only so much time' - so? If it runs out - don't have children. We aren't entitled to them. They are whole other beings and if we haven't got our shit sorted out, we shouldn't be planning to have them.

The amount of young women I see tearing their heart out on here over non existent beings or settling for shit partners and ruining their lives (and in turn their kids lives) is horrifying.

Instead of promoting 'settling down' and having kids we should tell women it's OK tand often wise to choose a different path.

That way people like op might consider other dreams that don't involve her ending up settling for loser men who will make her miserabl

If having children/growing your family is a dimension you'd like in your life, you need to work out how best to achieve this and sometimes this is done without a partner. The issue isn't wanting a family, and needing to find something"else". it is the conventional narratives of finding a man and needing one to procreate that's keeping a lot of women trapped in sub standard relationships or starting ones with unsuitable partners (solo parent by choice here).

Pinkbonbon · 02/02/2023 16:09

anthurium · 02/02/2023 15:02

If having children/growing your family is a dimension you'd like in your life, you need to work out how best to achieve this and sometimes this is done without a partner. The issue isn't wanting a family, and needing to find something"else". it is the conventional narratives of finding a man and needing one to procreate that's keeping a lot of women trapped in sub standard relationships or starting ones with unsuitable partners (solo parent by choice here).

Show quote history

That's true, however, I would also argue that we shouldn't necessarily encourage people to do it alone either. I'm sure you know yourself how tough it can be and many people wouldn't be up to the challenge.

For some people it may be the right thing to do. And of course if you have a good support system I friends and family then even better. But I think the majority of people..lets face it, probably shouldn't even have had kids in relationships, let alone choose go it alone.

Isthisexpected · 02/02/2023 19:20

Having children isn't a right and in many ways I think society is worse off for science enabling a move towards it being something all people are entitled to.

zonky · 02/02/2023 20:59

People want connection, meaning, legacy which you aren't really going to get from your job, or hobbies. Having a family for a lot of people provides a sense of fulfillment, so I guess they will do whatever it takes to have it.

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 21:13

zonky · 02/02/2023 20:59

People want connection, meaning, legacy which you aren't really going to get from your job, or hobbies. Having a family for a lot of people provides a sense of fulfillment, so I guess they will do whatever it takes to have it.

Why wouldn't a hobby bring fulfilment?

Many hobbies involve connections with others who share the interest. I get meaning in my life from the many, many friends I've made and places I've visited doing the hobbies I enjoy.

zonky · 02/02/2023 21:15

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 21:13

Why wouldn't a hobby bring fulfilment?

Many hobbies involve connections with others who share the interest. I get meaning in my life from the many, many friends I've made and places I've visited doing the hobbies I enjoy.

Show quote history

They can just it isn't enough clearly. Enough to replace having a partner and children? If you had to choose?

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 22:28

I have chosen not to have children, and I am plenty fulfilled by my life.

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 22:39

And FWIW, my decision not to have children was at least partly informed by my hobbies.

It's bizarre when people assume that, just because being a parent is what makes them fulfilled, the same must apply to everyone. And obviously those of us without children must be filled with secret pain due to our lack or a meaningful life.

xfan · 02/02/2023 22:56

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 22:39

And FWIW, my decision not to have children was at least partly informed by my hobbies.

It's bizarre when people assume that, just because being a parent is what makes them fulfilled, the same must apply to everyone. And obviously those of us without children must be filled with secret pain due to our lack or a meaningful life.

It's bizarre that you assume everyone should derive as much meaning out of their hobbies (at the expense of having children) as you do.

LookingOldTheseDays · 03/02/2023 06:47

xfan · 02/02/2023 22:56

It's bizarre that you assume everyone should derive as much meaning out of their hobbies (at the expense of having children) as you do.

Show quote history

I wasn't the one making sweeping statement about it in the first place though.

NoDatingForOldMen · 03/02/2023 08:47

CPL593H · 02/02/2023 09:04

The issue isn't really being broke is it, lots of people are through no fault of their own. The issue is that he seems to be embracing being miserable rather than trying creatively to make the best of it, especially as he's fit, well and working. There could be better meal planning. Also, you're living in the best place in the UK to take advantage of free activities. Museums, galleries, parks, endless.

I'm not surprised he wants to move in fairly sharpish as it will solve all his problems in one fell swoop. It will create new ones for you though OP, especially as you seem to have a fairly low bar in terms of your own worth. That doesn't mean being winded and dined but the expectation that a new relationship will actually be fun.

100% this, lots of people are skint right now, but it’s the attitude that sounds like a problem

Deathbyfluffy · 03/02/2023 08:54

Zippedydoo123 · 02/02/2023 08:30

Most single men seem in a muddle over their life if you ask me.

What a load of nonsense - I have a lot of single friends and not one is in a ‘muddle’.
Some have a few money issues with the cost of living, but all have clear direction in their careers and personal lives.

Perhaps it’s just the men you attract?

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 03/02/2023 09:06

@LookingOldTheseDays I think the daughter is a child and OP was saying the father isn't entitled to any benefits here in U.K. for her (because she's abroad). It's clumsily phrased but that's how I read it.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 03/02/2023 09:25

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:17

He’s everything I’ve been looking for - I find it extremely difficult to meet someone like him and my time is running out. The only issue is money. It’s such a bummer.

This would not be "everything I was looking for"

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/02/2023 09:28

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:17

He’s everything I’ve been looking for - I find it extremely difficult to meet someone like him and my time is running out. The only issue is money. It’s such a bummer.

No he ISN'T everything you've been looking for! Come off it, who would be looking for that?! It sounds utterly miserable and depressing. And now he wants to live with you, now that he's tested you'll pay for everything.

Naunet · 03/02/2023 09:32

As I was reading your post, the question I wanted to ask was if he’d mentioned moving in with you, and I get to the end and see that, surprise surprise, he has. 3 months is very quick to talk about moving in together, especially as he has a child. Out of interest, how many times has he been to see his child since you’ve been together? When was the last time? Also, if he’s so skint, why on earth does he need a car? It’s easier getting around London without one, so I really can’t understand why he’s got one on finance when he can’t even afford to feed himself properly.

Proceed with caution OP, and don’t rush to move in with him.

Lipstickresolve · 03/02/2023 09:36

Oh some of these comments make me a little sad, as I was a struggling single parent who had little money 10 years ago. I would hate that if I started seeing someone that others would be telling him to leave me because of my money situation and that I have nothing to offer them. Is there potential for him to get out of his poor financial situation at some point? I understand that it’s not up to you to fix and it must be draining when he is feeling overwhelmed by it all.

Quitelikeit · 03/02/2023 09:44

So the guy has retrained in a career that is going to eventually be financially rewarding - that is a good thing

If he lives in London I guess he is paying at least 1k in rent per month, plus council tax, plus bills. That’ll be at least £1500 a month, then his car on top then his daughters money. I guess he only has the bare minimum left over for food.

Id be pretty miserable if that was my predicament too - I’m guessing there’s no options for him? Sure he must have thought about selling the car?

Could he use food banks?

In his position I would never have started dating I must admit as I would be quite embarrassed to not manage to pay my way!

LookingOldTheseDays · 03/02/2023 10:20

Quitelikeit · 03/02/2023 09:44

So the guy has retrained in a career that is going to eventually be financially rewarding - that is a good thing

If he lives in London I guess he is paying at least 1k in rent per month, plus council tax, plus bills. That’ll be at least £1500 a month, then his car on top then his daughters money. I guess he only has the bare minimum left over for food.

Id be pretty miserable if that was my predicament too - I’m guessing there’s no options for him? Sure he must have thought about selling the car?

Could he use food banks?

In his position I would never have started dating I must admit as I would be quite embarrassed to not manage to pay my way!

He can't sell the car because he doesn't own it. It's leased.

He could however choose not to lease a car, because it's not needed in London. That might enable him to splash out on a pasta bake next time the OP visits, rather than letting her leave his place hungry.

IneedanewTV · 03/02/2023 10:34

KangarooKenny · 02/02/2023 08:22

He’s dragging you down, move on.

This.

when I joined online dating one of my unofficial rules was that they earn the same as me. I wanted fun I didn’t want to sit in because they are supporting another family, have huge debts or just can’t afford to eat out at the cheap local pub. I don’t have high expectations but I was not sitting in every weekend.

LadyMary50 · 03/02/2023 10:34

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:32

Blip he notices things I do, the way I am - that no man has done before. He compliments me, he’s very open about his feelings, his values are same as mine. He’s the first decent man I’ve met in a long time of dating! He is very affectionate, always helps me with things. He has fixed things in my place. He does thoughtful things without me asking. He’s very hands on. And he does make a fuss when I go to his place - but past week he hasn’t, he seems to be quite down. We have talked about going out more and he says we will - he always apologises, it’s not like he lacks self awareness. He is a good man. Just in this situation - I’ve tried to be patient but he dragged me down with his mood last night so much, that’s why I posted.

I’m afraid this is how cocklodgers work,compliments,doing little jobs for you,gradually pulling down your barriers.You really need to find out more about his background and family before committing to moving him in.Also,I meet a lot of people who are earning very little money but seem to be able to look on the bright side.If he’s a miserable bugger now he has probably always been miserable.Why did his wife divorce him?

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