Dating a man with no money

[Moneyworriess]

I’m in a new relationship with a man who is fairly recently divorced (18 months ago) and has retrained in his career so starting out on a fairly low ish salary for London where we live but slightly higher than average wage. He has many expenses which take up all his salary - he’s very open about his financial situation and I know the outgoings. He spends a lot on renting a place for himself. A car on finance. He has a daughter who lives abroad who he sends a lot of money to but isn’t entitled to any benefits because she is in a foreign country. In his new career there is much potential to earn more as each year passes with good progression.

i like him so much, and he’s the first decent man I’ve met in over ten years, he makes me feel so loved and wanted. Money isn’t that important to me, I am comfortable with my own place etc. I am looking for a man to settle with and build a life with and start a family. These are things he is looking for. I’m late 30s, he’s early 40s.

It’s been amazing for the past three months but lately he’s started to become so down about his financial situation, it dominates every single conversation we have. He manages to get by every month, he’s not in debt but things are tight. He is bitter and resents his situation. I try to be positive for him. He apologised for never being able to take me out. So we just sit in and watch TV. Food is an issue. He barely eats and cooks very basic meals. I see him very reluctantly pay for a coffee and if a food item isn’t reduced by £1, he won’t buy it in the supermarket. He says this will get better once the weather improves so we can start going out more on walks etc. he said he’s had a lot of expenses this month so next few months will be better.

it’s starting to get me down. I went to his cold place again last night and and watched TV while he ate a bowl of pasta and I had crisps. I often leave his place hungry. He didn’t want to come to mine as
my lodger was in. He moaned the whole time about the state of the country etc. i don’t feel comfortable asking him to buy a basic ingredient if I’m cooking a nice meal for us or suggest we go for a basic meal out. We’ve been out three times for a meal and I’ve paid every single time cos I know he’s been so short - and I couldn’t face being at home and cooking again.

i am not sure he is in the right place for a relationship. I want to be be happy, falling in love, going on dates, restaurants, theatre etc - these are the early days. I don’t even expect to be paid for! And doesn’t even have to be every week. But it’s never happened.

i was willing to overlook the lack of money but he’s becoming such a downer now it’s not even fun when we stay in together now and im starting to get cabin fever. I’m not sure it will ever get better. he’s obviously very keen for us to move in together later this year.

anyone else been in a similar situation?

He’s ‘everything you want’ at the moment because you’re providing sex, meals out and company at zero cost to him. These men don’t change - there’s always an excuse as to why they’re skint and can’t possibly spend a penny on you. I’m willing to bet he has slightly more than he lets on and is just a cheap skate who is happy to let his date pay for him to save himself a few quid. He’ll keep feeding you lines about how things are about to improve and he sees a future with you but it won’t arrive. Please don’t waste any more time on him.

I want to be be happy, falling in love, going on dates, restaurants, theatre etc

Dont underestimate this. The skint and stressful times come when you have a child, you don’t need the backdrop of skint and stressful dates to go with it. I often revisit mine and DH’s lovely dates in my mind when the going gets tough!

The mother would be supporting her , her father needs to send money as well.

Who says the mother isn't supporting her own child, the father isn't even in the country! Do you really think that he shouldn't be paying what he's obviously deemed an appropriate amount for his child, so that he can go on dates?? And how much does he send?? This is none of our business, it's not for OP to put on a public forum when it's not her information to share, and not information she should necessarily be privy to after just 3 months of dating.

yes this - please don’t suggest a man cut down what he pays out in child support! And tbh they usually don’t pay enough, despite claiming they pay “loads” it’s usually a drop in the ocean considering how much children cost. It’s the parent or whoever has custody who tends to foot most of the costs.

Also, realistically is he going to be able to support a child with OP in addition to his maintenance costs? It’s not easy finding someone you’re compatible with but might be better in the long term finding someone who is more ready to have a child.

To be honest cheap men usually blame child support as it seems like a ‘noble’ reason not to have any money 🤷🏼‍♀️ unless you’ve seen the amount he pays versus his earnings I wouldn’t assume he pays the Earth.

Please don't move in together with this miserably tight wad. He is an aspiring cocklodger and unlikely to want more children.

I was talking to a guy on OLD for a few days and one of the things that made me end it was his constant mentioning of all the walks we could do together. I love walking but I also have clearly stated to him and on my profile that I love theatre, and life music and travelling and yet his idea of a date was just walking and going to the gym together. He was a nice guy but I’m in my 30s and so was he so I expected him to be able to do more than that (and I’d have been happy to pay my own tickets btw).

This man’s finances and how he got there ( having a child and leaving them abroad etc) tells it’s own story that shouldn’t be ignored. So you can’t say it’s just his finances that’s the issue. The lack of money is a telltale sign of deeper issues.

You should get your fertilility checked out at a fertilility clinic and see where it's at, this could also help you make a more informed decision. How desparate are you to have children, more than having a relationship?

Honestly you need someone to take care of you and provide security. I have separated from my husband as he was so shit with money and I felt constant stress. You will go nowhere in life with him and you will hate him and he will become more unattractive to you

Maybe give it some time for summer - it sounds like he's got cabin fever from a very restrictive winter and may perk up a bit?

Have you talked to him about how the money misery is making you feel? Obviously he's entitled to his feelings but could he find someone else to vent to?

DH had no money when I met him but it didn't matter as I knew he was on a path to doing better and had the drive to do so - so I guess once question is do you think he has the drive up realise better or might he risk being stuck in the doldrums?

No. Just end it now before you get in too deep.

I find it extremely difficult to meet someone like him and my time is running out
This is why he seems so 'wonderful'. You're worried you're going to miss out so he's looking WAY better than he actually is. Lowering your standards so you don't miss out won't end well.
He's still a stranger really and showing you this side of him after 5 minutes together doesn't bode well 🤷‍♀️

I would be cautious here.Sure his money is tight .However its not your fault .If you had a baby together it would be difficult I think.Read your letter again "Last night I went to his cold place ,and had crisps while he ate pasta"while watching TV,Sounds like a fun night!You could do that at home .If he doesnt want to come round yours as your lodger is home ,presumably hes expecting Sex after this warm up. TBH he sounds like a teenager ! Also how much money does he send to his DD? Obv deadbeat dads are a no no ,However surely he should be left with some cash to be able to live? As you are in London surely lots of Museums to visit for free, (I love the British Museum ,could visit every day for a year, and still not see everything!)a walk by the river or in one or more of the parks with a bag of chips.FFS DO NOT let him move in! He needs to sort himself out

How the heck does he expect to start a family??

He's miserable and he's choosing it.

Why would he remain in London if it's making him so poor he can't even afford food? Why would he rent a pricey car instead of just buying a cheap af run around one if he is so poor he can't even afford to go on dates with his new gf?

Some people are poor and can't do much to increase their finances. He isn't one of them. He's just stingy and probably spending money on the 'look at me' things instead of what matters.

As for his kid being abroad, why isn't he with her? He sounds pathetic tbh.

You want to stay with him so you’re only taking advice from people who are validating your feelings. We all do it to a degree….I used to do this all the time.

Ive had two relationships with men who have lived in student accommodation. One was abusive but devastatingly handsome and one was a really lovely person - far better than the man you’re dating. I didn’t break up with him for this reason but I have since decided that I won’t be dating men who don’t own their own homes. I want someone who’s going to add to my life and I’m not ashamed to say that money is very important to me, because as you know it equals fun, freedom and security. When a couple’s finances are unequal everything becomes transactional and the one with more money is constantly wondering whether they’re being taken advantage of. And it’s no one’s fault necessarily - it’s just what happens when things aren’t equal.

Lol isn't this the opposite of the usual chat on Mn. He SHOULD send money because he is the child's father!

What is he doing to change his situation? That's the main question?

Does he pick up extra work at the weekend, like Driivng Uber etc or a bar job, or does he just sit and moan??

You met him three months ago, you barely know him.

He's doing a very good show of simultaneously being miserable while making you think he's your soulmate so you'll let him live with you to end his whining.

Meanwhile you can't hear yourself think over the clanging of your ovaries.

In practical terms, nobody needs a lease car, and he needs to learn 101 ways with lentils, he's being pathetic to let you sit in a cold house and eat a bag of crisps or go hungry. Pathetic.

You can do better. This is not a man to have a child with, because that's what this is about. Do not leave the last chance saloon with him, even if that's where you believe you are. If he's making your life a misery after a few weeks, try being saddled with the fecker for the rest of your life because you share a child. No child should be dragged into this mess.

It wouldn't do for me . I don't expect someone to be rich but we're talking very basic requirements here , food and activities are part of the fun of dating . How much fun can you have if he literally has no money . I'd also feel he was trying to tap me for money if he doesn't shut up moaning about it . He sounds joyless tbh .

Have you considered being a solo mum by choice op@Moneyworriess and not relying on this man as your last chance saloon?

And where is this place that he is pushing to move into??? Yours I presume. And he's uncomfortable with the lodger so by then I'm sure you will feel desperate enough and kick the lodger out? You will be footing accommodation, the lodger rent and now this guy. As someone said op, raise your standards.

Yep. Donor sperm would be infinitely preferable.

If you want to start a family and life together, how is this possible without money? There must be something he can do to improve it. Ditch the car?

"start a family"

How do you think he will have the means to finance a family with you, when he can't even cook you a simple meal ?

Look at his actions, not his words

He cannot think of romantic free things to do in London together - how boring

He cannot cook you a simple meal - how uncaring

It's Valentines day soon, look at what he organises for that

This is not a good start to a relationship

Or, just don't have kids.

And certainly not whilst you still have poor boundaries and lack of self love and as such, would likeky pass that on to your children. You need to tackle that first.