Dating a man with no money

[Moneyworriess]

I’m in a new relationship with a man who is fairly recently divorced (18 months ago) and has retrained in his career so starting out on a fairly low ish salary for London where we live but slightly higher than average wage. He has many expenses which take up all his salary - he’s very open about his financial situation and I know the outgoings. He spends a lot on renting a place for himself. A car on finance. He has a daughter who lives abroad who he sends a lot of money to but isn’t entitled to any benefits because she is in a foreign country. In his new career there is much potential to earn more as each year passes with good progression.

i like him so much, and he’s the first decent man I’ve met in over ten years, he makes me feel so loved and wanted. Money isn’t that important to me, I am comfortable with my own place etc. I am looking for a man to settle with and build a life with and start a family. These are things he is looking for. I’m late 30s, he’s early 40s.

It’s been amazing for the past three months but lately he’s started to become so down about his financial situation, it dominates every single conversation we have. He manages to get by every month, he’s not in debt but things are tight. He is bitter and resents his situation. I try to be positive for him. He apologised for never being able to take me out. So we just sit in and watch TV. Food is an issue. He barely eats and cooks very basic meals. I see him very reluctantly pay for a coffee and if a food item isn’t reduced by £1, he won’t buy it in the supermarket. He says this will get better once the weather improves so we can start going out more on walks etc. he said he’s had a lot of expenses this month so next few months will be better.

it’s starting to get me down. I went to his cold place again last night and and watched TV while he ate a bowl of pasta and I had crisps. I often leave his place hungry. He didn’t want to come to mine as
my lodger was in. He moaned the whole time about the state of the country etc. i don’t feel comfortable asking him to buy a basic ingredient if I’m cooking a nice meal for us or suggest we go for a basic meal out. We’ve been out three times for a meal and I’ve paid every single time cos I know he’s been so short - and I couldn’t face being at home and cooking again.

i am not sure he is in the right place for a relationship. I want to be be happy, falling in love, going on dates, restaurants, theatre etc - these are the early days. I don’t even expect to be paid for! And doesn’t even have to be every week. But it’s never happened.

i was willing to overlook the lack of money but he’s becoming such a downer now it’s not even fun when we stay in together now and im starting to get cabin fever. I’m not sure it will ever get better. he’s obviously very keen for us to move in together later this year.

anyone else been in a similar situation?

Op,people aren’t being rude or nasty they are concerned for you,lots of us have lived experiences of this type of man.If you live with him you will have years of misery ahead.

Have you actually read the thread?!!?? Stop projecting.

Never believe a person who says things like 'oh it will be better when the weather improves' etc. these people are always full of excuses and will bring you down.
If he was that type of person, he would have suggested things already and you'd be doing them.
Come on. You're in London. Walks are free, museums and galleries are free, buses are cheap. He has a car.
He's just a moany, tight miserable person and he won't change.

This is a difficult one,

As a bloke who did a career change at 40 for something I love which pays crap.

Eventually it drove a wedge into my relationship. Totally understandable from her point of view

But more concerning is the fact he didn't offer you any of his pasta ffs!
he could have split it with you, or had the crisps. The age of chivalry is dead!

This is indicative of something unpleasant in his personality

Surely he's not so broke he cant afford to cook some simple dishes, he could make a soup for less than a quid or batch cook some pasta?

As a single dude I tend to spend around £6-15 a week on food and eat really well, Tesco's and Sainsways yellow labels are the key! Poundland also sells food and their yellow label stuff is pennies.

The trick is to get friendly with the security guards they know the best times for Yellow label hunting!

Its easy to make a batch meal for a quid or two that can be reheated

Added to that there's tons of stuff to do in London that costs bugger all, museums parks the Southbank, Hampstead heath too!

Yes. Run for the hills while you still can. Don’t get trapped with this man. You can do better. You say you want children - well, put them first and find them a father who can provide for them properly.

Fair play to him for retraining and starting a new career path however, how much are kids a priority for you? If major and you're late 30s then I'm not sure he's a great option. It's nothing to do with his income in and of itself.

You say he earns over the national average so, what, about 27-30k for an entry level job in his new field? That's fine. Plenty live on that or less. However it's his lack of resourcefulness and making the best of things that would be unattractive to me.

He is temporarily not earning much for an expensive city. So he should be proactively cutting his coat accordingly. Shared house. Lose the car (or use it to do some uber shifts). Learn to cook cheap, tasty things. Take you to free places and events, of which there are hundreds in London.

Perhaps he is depressed if he's recently divorced and he rarely gets to see DD. Understandable. But if he wants to meet a new partner then it shows quite a self centred nature to me if he just expects you to sit at home and listen to him complain bitterly, rather than take steps to help his own mental health or finances, and nurture the new relationship.

I fear that he sees you as a solution to his issues and your needs don't really register. It is unusual to suggest moving in together as early as 3 months in, with his age and life experience. He also shouldn't be moaning about your lodger. Having one is part of your income.

I also don't like this bitterness and ranting at the world, when actually the causes of his problems are pretty quantifiable. It smacks of 'miserable old git at the pub'. Or one of those people where every suggested solution to a problem has a counter.

You sound great and deserve someone bringing a bit of joy to your life. Compliments, however perceptive, and odd bits of DIY are a pretty cheap price to pay for a therapist and potential landlady.

He doesn't necessarily sound a bad lad, but he's not in a great place and I'm not sure you should spend your time finding out whether this malaise is temporary or whether he picks up.

I know it must feel like people are focusing on the crisps thing and you've explained but it's actually pretty indicative of his all round behaviour that that was a typical night with him.

OP, there are a lot of man haters on here so you have to wade through the posts of people who just attack men in every post.

You have been with him for 3 months. It is possible he was just slogging along okay but the reality is now hitting him as he wants to be able to afford more at the moment than he can. His life is now being looked at in comparison to your life and he sees the disparity in what you have and can afford and what he can. That is making him miserable. He probably realizes it will be a few years until he is a good place financially and the light at the end of the tunnel seems dim right now. He may also be depressed.

It seems like there just isn't financial compatibility right now and that is going to make both of you unhappy. Seems like it might be a case of great guy but at the wrong time in life. If you can part ways amicably, then down the road if that financial disparity eases and you are both still single, there might be a chance to rekindle things on a more equal foundation.

I would have a really honest conversation. Does he 'have' to have a car etc - it's a nice to have but probably not necessary etc. it seems a shame if it's just the money if you like everything else. He doesn't sound like a cock lodger- just a bloke who has little money spare. I think about this with regard to my 24 year old son who lives in London but even on £35k has little money spare due to rent and bills etc- he's a very lovely lad and would make someone a great boyfriend but couldn't afford constant holidays or nights out. Put this in reverse, would we condemn all single women without much cash to not be worth a relationship?

3 months is just 13, maybe 14 weeks by now and he is suggesting moving in with you?
If this isn't a red flag what at else would be?
There are so many free events in London to fill in the time. I live here and use them all the time.

He doesn't sound like a cock lodger

He's proposing to move in with her after just 3 months.

He doesn't even feed her when she visits him - she often leaves his place hungry.

This isn't a "very lovely lad" who just happens to be skint.

Some real Female Dating Strategy energy here

@LookingOldTheseDays Ah I totally missed the 'moving in' That's a no, no!!

OP, there are a lot of man haters on here so you have to wade through the posts of people who just attack men in every post.

Oh yea, all of this advice only because we hate menz🙄 This is getting boring now.

Maybe some of us have standards and self esteem and don't just jump at anything?

Maybe some of us have been in the exact same shoes as OP and it ended horribly so we're giving her the heads up? Let your imagination run wild.

It isn't what he hasn't got, it's more about his attitude towards it that would worry me. He is living beyond his means in one of the most expensive cities in the world and needs to work out how to get himself out of the hole. He doesn't need a car on finance, he could make do with a cheaper run around and getting some additional part time work to help support himself to a better standard. My dh has never worked a 40 hour week in his life - in the early days we wouldn't have been able to afford it, but even now he is more like 50+ hours with his normal job and side projects.

This. He's not happy to socialise with your lodger, he wants to move in. He pays for a car (in London!) but can't manage to cook enough pasta for two. And he moans about having nothing to do in London. I was a penniless student in London before student loans and I was never bored. Why doesn't he work a couple of evenings in a bar to earn a bit extra?

He's trying to take financial advantage. Get rid and move on.

Come on love! This man sounds tight fisted and bitter. After only 3 months he's doing
very little to impress you and it doesn't have to cost much money.
I bet he bloody wants to move in with you! Please don't let him!

I’ve been dating my boyfriend a little less than 3 months. He doesn’t have money issues and we have been for meals but I prefer to just stay in with him so we have some privacy, for now anyway until we are over the phase of snogging and sex all the time! So lack of money wouldn’t bother me, but the moaning would

Im not sure why my post warranted this reply. It was my viewpoint, and yes I have read the OP. It was some of the replies that saddened me.

OP, sounds like it’s worth weighing up the pros and cons to see if he will be right for you. I can imagine it’s a difficult predicament to be in and wish you well.

He decided to change career and he is not earning a lot at the moment. Yet he lives on his own when it would be cheaper to rent in a shared place. He has a car on a lease in the London area which has good public transport. He got divorced in the past 18 months.
He already has a child that lives abroad and he send money to the child's mother. I wonder how much he sends her? I also wonder how often he sees the child?

When you call around to his flat you sit in the cold. He never brings you out of a meal or on a date that would cost him some cash.
Last night he eat pasta and left you eating crisps when you called around to see him. He did not want to call to you because your lodger would be their.

He is in his early 40's and it seems like his life has not worked out the way he expected. He sits there moaning about being short of money, the expenses he has and the state of the world. Yes it hard at the moment for most people money wise but he has to cut his his expenses to manage.

He meets you. You have more money than him. You have your own place and you rent out a room to a lodger. Despite the fact that your with him just 3 months he has already mentioned moving into your apartment.

I know you're in your late 30's and you want a child. You over looking all the red flags with this man. If you go out for a meal ect your always paying. He is always moaning about money but is not willing to make changes to cut his expenses or to get extra work.

In the early days of a new relationship most people show their best side, they make an effort to do nice things and they bring their other half out for a meal. He is making no effort for you and being honest he will just drag you down with his moaning/meanness. He is lining you up to move into your apartment and he will want your lodger gone at the same time.
If his career change does not work out you will end up supporting him.

I know you want a baby but don't have a baby with this man because it's all about him and what he wants. He is showing you his true colours and he won't be a good partner if you have a child. I say that he made plenty of mistakes in his life but anything that went wrong is someone else's fault. He has a child living abroad and I say he resents giving their mother money. He also got divorced in the past 18 months and I am sure it her fault also.

From what you said about him I would tell him it over because he has shown you his true colours and you don't want or need a cock lodger.
I personally would not have a child on my own either in my late 30's in case they ended up with special needs. I had friends that had children on their own and it was hard going.

I think you were projecting though.

Unless you also invited dates to your house and didn't feed them? And then tried to move in with them quickly to save money on rent?

This guy's financial situation isn't that poor - he is choosing to lease a car when he lives in London. It's the bitter stingy behaviour that's the problem.

What an absolute waste of space. I'd run a mile.

What does he have that's attractive?

He's tight, he moans, he's depressed, he won't go out...

Well presumably the mother is bringing her up! He SHOULD contribute financially!

It's only been 3 months op. I'd cut my losses and RUN if I was you!

It sounds like he is sending more to his daughter's mother than he can really afford to.