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Original poster

Dating a man with no money

220 replies

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:07

I’m in a new relationship with a man who is fairly recently divorced (18 months ago) and has retrained in his career so starting out on a fairly low ish salary for London where we live but slightly higher than average wage. He has many expenses which take up all his salary - he’s very open about his financial situation and I know the outgoings. He spends a lot on renting a place for himself. A car on finance. He has a daughter who lives abroad who he sends a lot of money to but isn’t entitled to any benefits because she is in a foreign country. In his new career there is much potential to earn more as each year passes with good progression.

i like him so much, and he’s the first decent man I’ve met in over ten years, he makes me feel so loved and wanted. Money isn’t that important to me, I am comfortable with my own place etc. I am looking for a man to settle with and build a life with and start a family. These are things he is looking for. I’m late 30s, he’s early 40s.

It’s been amazing for the past three months but lately he’s started to become so down about his financial situation, it dominates every single conversation we have. He manages to get by every month, he’s not in debt but things are tight. He is bitter and resents his situation. I try to be positive for him. He apologised for never being able to take me out. So we just sit in and watch TV. Food is an issue. He barely eats and cooks very basic meals. I see him very reluctantly pay for a coffee and if a food item isn’t reduced by £1, he won’t buy it in the supermarket. He says this will get better once the weather improves so we can start going out more on walks etc. he said he’s had a lot of expenses this month so next few months will be better.

it’s starting to get me down. I went to his cold place again last night and and watched TV while he ate a bowl of pasta and I had crisps. I often leave his place hungry. He didn’t want to come to mine as
my lodger was in. He moaned the whole time about the state of the country etc. i don’t feel comfortable asking him to buy a basic ingredient if I’m cooking a nice meal for us or suggest we go for a basic meal out. We’ve been out three times for a meal and I’ve paid every single time cos I know he’s been so short - and I couldn’t face being at home and cooking again.

i am not sure he is in the right place for a relationship. I want to be be happy, falling in love, going on dates, restaurants, theatre etc - these are the early days. I don’t even expect to be paid for! And doesn’t even have to be every week. But it’s never happened.

i was willing to overlook the lack of money but he’s becoming such a downer now it’s not even fun when we stay in together now and im starting to get cabin fever. I’m not sure it will ever get better. he’s obviously very keen for us to move in together later this year.

anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 02/02/2023 08:31

Bin this off.

I had more thoughtful BFs when I was a student and none of us had any money. They'd have always stretched to a bowl of pasta, and probably grated cheese on the top too.

This man is not in a good place.

Original poster
Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:32

Blip he notices things I do, the way I am - that no man has done before. He compliments me, he’s very open about his feelings, his values are same as mine. He’s the first decent man I’ve met in a long time of dating! He is very affectionate, always helps me with things. He has fixed things in my place. He does thoughtful things without me asking. He’s very hands on. And he does make a fuss when I go to his place - but past week he hasn’t, he seems to be quite down. We have talked about going out more and he says we will - he always apologises, it’s not like he lacks self awareness. He is a good man. Just in this situation - I’ve tried to be patient but he dragged me down with his mood last night so much, that’s why I posted.

OP posts:
PotKettel · 02/02/2023 08:32

If you’ve only been seeing him for 3 months you know very little about him. It sounds fairly miserable.

btw, why is this on YOU? is his only suggestion to wait for better weather? Is your future going to be entirely made up of going for vigorous walks around London because that’s all he can afford or be bothered with?

if I was skint but had found myself a fantastic new woman who I wanted to impress, I wouldn’t plonk her in front of the TV with a bowl of crisps.

I’d organise a candle-lit picnic (of yellow sticker food!) on the living room floor watching old movies on TV.

I’d treat my dp to a shoulder or foot massage and play her my favourite music so we could get to know each other’s tastes.

Anything, even a game of scrabble would be a start!

It sounds like you’ll be doing ALL the heavy lifting OP, think seriously if that’s what you want.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/02/2023 08:32

Does he even want more children??

You obviously want your own. I’d start looking at doing it solo.

maddy68 · 02/02/2023 08:33

Go .....I can't believe he ate pasta and you had crisps ...
He's mean. Not skint.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 02/02/2023 08:34

Why does he have a car on finance, given that he lives in London which has great public transport? Seems odd as he can't even afford to feed himself.

That's before we get to the constant negativity.

Could it be that he is nurturing you to become his Lady in Shining Armour and rescue him?

Gloschick · 02/02/2023 08:36

I wouldn't necessarily have an issue with dating someone with no money (better than in debt!) but this guy doesn't sound great. Presumably he was he one to initiate retraining, where as many of us stick in our jobs as we know we can't afford to retrain. You have taken in a lodger to make ends meet, whereas he insists on having his own place then winges about the cost and winges about your lodger! Presumably he has had at least 2 failed serious relationships in recent years (recent divorce + mum of child abroad). Maybe they got fed up of him moaning too. Don't let the worry about time running out cloud your judgement.

Ragwort · 02/02/2023 08:38

Raise your standards! He sounds bitter and miserable. Nothing to do with no money .. there are lots of free things to do in London. He could easily suggest something nice and you each take a picnic for example. Does he expect sex as that's 'free'? Hmm. He could always get an additional part time job in hospitality or something if he wanted to earn a few extra ££s - plenty of casual work in London.

One of my nicest friends is skint and never spends on eating out but always suggests interesting places to meet.

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 08:39

The pasta/crisps thing is just so bizarre.

Decent men, in my experience, want their partners to be healthy and nourished. They would insist on sharing their dinner if they could see that the alternative was crisps.

But this man just watched you eat crisps, after guiltripping you (over a period of months, through his behaviour) into saying you didn't want dinner.

illtakeit · 02/02/2023 08:43

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:17

He’s everything I’ve been looking for - I find it extremely difficult to meet someone like him and my time is running out. The only issue is money. It’s such a bummer.

STOP IT OP!!
I'm actually really annoyed with you for this comment. Don't say things like that because you'll just end up settling for shite men. Have your standards and stick to them!

Isthisexpected · 02/02/2023 08:44

The lovely things you describe about him are the basics you should expect OP. Your bar is so low here you'll accept him refusing to by food so you just have crisps?!

Whatever his personal circumstances and responsibilities to his child, he doesn't sound in a good place for a relationship.

Activelyannoyed · 02/02/2023 08:49

Didn’t he know you were coming round then that he couldn’t make enough pasta for 2? Because that isn’t an eexpensive thing to do. 50p or so. So maybe part of this is he’s just fucking tight.

winterbegone · 02/02/2023 08:50

Cooking a bit of extra pasta wouldn't of cost more than the crisps, he's unthoughtful and mean. I look again for someone that's fun to date.

hryllilegur · 02/02/2023 08:52

Divorced men whose finances are a mess very often look to find a GF who will sort that out for them.

you can do better than being his meal ticket.

Original poster
Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:52

As I said, I didn’t want pasta again and bought the crisps myself so I could have purchased more for myself. The pasta was from the night before which we had.

OP posts:
Grimchmas · 02/02/2023 08:52

If she's a child why isn't the mother supporting her? How much does he send monthly? Can he cut it down?

Who says the mother isn't supporting her own child, the father isn't even in the country! Do you really think that he shouldn't be paying what he's obviously deemed an appropriate amount for his child, so that he can go on dates?? And how much does he send?? This is none of our business, it's* *not for OP to put on a public forum when it's not her information to share, and not information she should necessarily be privy to after just 3 months of dating.

He is bitter and resents his situation.

This is the problem really. He's not your dream man, because of his attitude. It's his attitude, demeanour and mood that is the problem, which is him, not his financial situation.

In London you are ideally placed for so many dates that are free entry, but if he can't even afford the tube ride to them, then that IS a financial barrier to dating.

Why not cool it off with him, stay friendly and suggest you revisit dating properly when his financial situation improves (if you're still single by then). My hunch is that he won't like it and will become bitter and twisted with you, but a nice man who you actually want a future with would understand, and stay in touch in a no pressure kind of way while he worked hard to improve his financial situation.

For goodness sake do not move in with him so soon! Therein lies the perfect path to misery.

MajesticWhine · 02/02/2023 08:54

The money isn't the main problem here. It's the attitude and the moaning. Don't move in with him. This is unlikely to improve so go carefully.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/02/2023 08:55

I had very few criteria when I was dating ten years ago. Solvent was one of them.

HaggisBurger · 02/02/2023 08:55

Money isn’t the only issue at all. It’s his downbeat attitude and self pity that sounds a lot worse. And will get worse and worse. Remember at 3 months this is him with best foot forward!!

Run. Do not have a child with this man. Life is way too short.

balloontrip · 02/02/2023 08:55

He’s everything I’ve been looking for

He isn't though, he falls short.

Emmamoo89 · 02/02/2023 08:56

If he was a decent man he would of given you the pasta and he would have had the crisps.

LookingOldTheseDays · 02/02/2023 08:58

it's not for OP to put on a public forum when it's not her information to share, and not information she should necessarily be privy to after just 3 months of dating

Good point. I wonder why he's told her about how much he sends at this stage?

Because he's bitter and stingy. And lining her up to move in with her.

GooseberryCinnamonYogurt · 02/02/2023 08:59

Moneyworriess · 02/02/2023 08:17

He’s everything I’ve been looking for - I find it extremely difficult to meet someone like him and my time is running out. The only issue is money. It’s such a bummer.

I'll come back to this as in a similar situation but have to pop out now.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 02/02/2023 08:59

OP, your biological clock is ticking loudly and your common sense has gone out of the window.

listen to the advice everyone else has given you and walk away. Or, hang in there and waste the next 5 years of your life.

waterSpider · 02/02/2023 09:02

Anyone who's miserable this week -- Jan 31st is the HMRC tax deadline for those with self-employment and other non-standard forms of income. Are you completely sure about his finances? Do you have a lodger, and does he live alone??

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